[MBTI General] NFP's and friends of the opposite sex

[Lady_X]

haha luminous...i know what you mean.

edited. i don't like sharing

 

[kiddykat]

Keeping in touch with old flames really hasn't been successful for me. As much as I always say, "Yeah, we can be friends" I often find that in the end, we weren't 'really' just 'friends.' The ex's wanted more (maybe it's because they think they can get some pootang or something, but they're obviously barking up the wrong tree as I see it merely as a 'brother/sister' type bond).

Once a relationship is over for me the chemistry is irreversible. Once it's there, it's there, and is sustainable. Once trust is broken, that's it for me. My attraction for them plummets to zero. Nada for those muchachos.

I also would like to think of it in terms of respecting their time so that they can move on and find someone else (probably have/are, which I'm glad). Should 'our friendship' inhibit other people in terms of developing prospects for future relationships? That's when I completely back away. Don't want to cock block. I encourage them to find their true loves, sincerely. I even help them.

There is a fine line between friendship/sexual attraction that I'm aware of. If I can maintain a totally platonic relationship at arms length- I totally would, whether or not I'm committed. I see it more like being able to forgive, be friends, and keep it at a level of familial type bonding.. My ENTJ cousin is really good at this, and that is why she is so popular. Be'n ENFP does not equate to hopeless/blind flirt. Maybe it's me; that's how I see it anyway..

 

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

I am going to change the pace here, and ask a more specific question. I know we NFP's like to make our lives into a dramatic and profound love story, ( I think we do anyways), so the question is....do any of you know someone that you are friends with now, or that has been an old flame of yours whom you think you will be together with again, in other words, is there, in the realm of your mind, an ever unfolding romance that happens between you and this person, and the story is so profound and real to you, that you know it may take a few more relationships for each of you, before you finally open your eyes for each other in a completely new fashion, and fulfill this ultimate romance that is being played out, hopefully in both of your heads?

This essentially means that you are actually pursuing relationships with other people but these relationships are ultimately doomed because that is part of the necessary tragedy that must take place before you and your ultimate love can be together.

The reason I ask is because when I was 18, the girl who had my heart and did with it whatever she wished, told me that we would eventually end up getting married when we were 30, because somehow she conceived in her head that she was too crazy for me, and I was too innocent for her, so we needed to live more life before we could be right for each other. Well, not too long ago, I saw this girl again, both of us approaching 30, and she seemed to be feeling out the potential of us being together again. I however, having made some serious life changes since our relationship, was on a completely different page, and didn't even want to pursue friendship with her. I just wasn't interested, period. This girl was extremely attractive, at 18, and at 30 she hadn't changed a bit, but my life has just taken a drastic turn in one direction and her's in another. Though, I felt like I could help her and love her as a friend, I really had no desire to pursue her, as I had once imagined I would when I was head over heels for her.

Having gone through this, and having even tried to maintain a "true love" for this girl for at least four years of my life, I found that after a while the desire just went away. Are there any girls who think this way? Have you ever made that silent promise to yourself that you would wait for this special person, and how long have you waited, or how long have you been waiting?

 

[paradox fox]

Blargh. It's really hard for me to be "just friends" with a guy. I get my feelings all tangled up in him, and at times it can happen fairly quickly. I'm getting better about not being a bimbo like that, but still. It no make me happies when they say "no, really, just friends."

With ex's, I do not remain friends with them. Even if there wasn't much drama. If the relationship got into a really high gear and we break up, I know we can't get there again. It's not the same. I'm not the same, and usually he's not the same. What's the point of demoting the relationship to friendship, or even *shudder* acquaintance?

On the other hand, when I'm in a relationship, I don't get distracted by other dudes. Not a problem.

 

[kiddykat]

Wait a sec. I don't know if we're talking about the same girl here or two different ones? Because if one had already mentioned that they would be together once again and be married by 30, then essentially, it's not a silent promise to herself, but to 'both' parties involved.

It may be a silent promise to herself if she keeps it a secret from her current partner or potential relationships, which means she's playing the other guys, knowingly.

. . . do any of you know someone that you are friends with now, or that has been an old flame of yours whom you think you will be together with again, in other words, is there, in the realm of your mind, an ever unfolding romance that happens between you and this person, and the story is so profound and real to you, that you know it may take a few more relationships for each of you, before you finally open your eyes for each other in a completely new fashion, and fulfill this ultimate romance that is being played out, hopefully in both of your heads?

This essentially means that you are actually pursuing relationships with other people but these relationships are ultimately doomed because that is part of the necessary tragedy that must take place before you and your ultimate love can be together.

. . . Are there any girls who think this way? Have you ever made that silent promise to yourself that you would wait for this special person, and how long have you waited, or how long have you been waiting?

With me- I don't wait, not especially in what's mentioned above. I may say "we'll see in the future" to let a guy down gently, but don't want to hurt his feelings in the moment, but will eventually tell him that I don't think he's the one so that I don't mislead. Reading the first portion of the quoted section breaks my heart.

I couldn't do that to another person. Get into other relationships knowing that it wouldn't work out just to play a role in some kind of tragic love comedy? I can't. It's like committing a sin, black magic. There are other parties involved here, and things don't just exist within themselves and just stay 'there.' Consequences occur.

If I were to make a silent promise to be with someone, it would be because we both agreed to it. I couldn't make a promise based on assumptions of not knowing but assuming to know. Hope I understand the question/scenario correctly. It's not to say that I haven't made a silent promise to myself to stay true to one person, and not date others. I think if someone's worth fighting for, something will happen. I stayed loyal for a long time .. but time fades and people move on. I broke my own promise because I felt it was irrational/stupid, and maybe it's because both he/I were too shy. Both were young, so.

Basically- to sum it up- when it comes to old flames I don't know what there is to re-kindle- bc in the back of my mind, if both people *truly* wanted to be with each other *that* much, they wouldn't let time fly by like that and date others and jeopardize what they do or did have. It doesn't make sense..

There are stories about how some retired senior citizens end up 'reuniting' after being years apart from each other and having family of their own. In reuniting after all of those years, is their bond still the same? I don't know. It's too on the surface to really know. Couples can appear happy on the outside, but miserable on the inside.

If on the other hand, say they both were young and for extenuating circumstances, couldn't be together, but let it be known they felt the same like in wartime situations (socioeconomic upheaval).. then maybe as an NFP I would wait, but wouldn't date others. In that case, I would need to be in contact with that person somehow where we both know we will find each other/meet up once again. That would take it onto a whole other level of commitment.

I knew a girl I worked with who was a mail order bride who, similar situation, asked me to get into contact with her former lover because she 'promised' him she would reunite with him in this country.. I felt sorry for her husband, and for that guy. Kinda felt sorry for her because she was that poor/desperate to get out of her situation, but was upset at her, because we're dealing with several people here, and she could potentially be pregnant by a guy whom she doesn't even love, and in her own words knows he's 'not the one.'

I've always been under the impression that for a healthy relationship to occur, we start off on a 'clean slate.' Meaning- no bullshitting. No tampering with other people's emotions. No getting other people involved for the sake of drama. Sorta like finding clarity in why/whom we love- it's about being 'real.' Anyway, sorry if this response was longer than expected, but no- I don't make promises to wait, because life's too short. Not unless if I'm married to someone, then that's a different case. Even then, I think proximity is important and being at that stage in life where we both growing together. For similar reasons to the 18 y.o. girl, now 30, being apart, time, distance, can put a huge strain on romance.. hence, it didn't work out, and both weren't willing to commit. Hope this helps. I think these questions make for really cool hypothetical situations.. (Hollywood story lines).

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't have any "old flames", but I haven't keep in contact with any of the guys I've casually dated. We were never close to begin with. I generally don't see myself wanting to keep in contact even if we were - it seems like it would just be confusing emotionally.

Now, as far as male friends go, I have yet to have one marry on me. Some have been in serious relationships & they end up gushing to me about them like they are a female friend . That's cool though - I am happy to play that role.

I notice other women often "losing" their male friends once they or the friend marries - not that they don't consider each other friends anymore, but they don't keep in contact as much and the dynamic is never the same. I anticipate that happening, but it makes me sad to think about....

 

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

Wait a sec. I don't know if we're talking about the same girl here or two different ones? Because if one had already mentioned that they would be together once again and be married by 30, then essentially, it's not a silent promise to herself, but to 'both' parties involved.

Your right kiddykat, the question about the silent promise was more just my curiosity, wondering if and how other women think about their old flames that have made an impression on them. The girl I know, did verbally express this scenario, so it was in both of our heads, but I doubt she told anyone else, and I'm wondering if when I saw her, it was just out of coincidence that she was entertaining the possibility of us being together, or if she consciously did what she said she would do, which is "live some more life" before we actually got together. And if so, did she not find anyone who would replace whatever it was she felt I would offer, which I highly doubt, or did her idea of me stifle her other relationships?...I don't know.

I'm curious about how other women view it, because I like a girl now, who has an old flame, who may still like her, and she may still like him, they may be perfect for each other for all I know, but for some reason they are not together and this confuses me. I will eventually have to ask her about it. Right now, I'm doing research.

I've always been under the impression that for a healthy relationship to occur, we start off on a 'clean slate.' Meaning- no bullshitting. No tampering with other people's emotions. No getting other people involved for the sake of drama. Sorta like finding clarity in why/whom we love- it's about being 'real.' Anyway, sorry if this response was longer than expected, but no- I don't make promises to wait, because life's too short. Not unless if I'm married to someone, then that's a different case. Even then, I think proximity is important and being at that stage in life where we both growing together. For similar reasons to the 18 y.o. girl, now 30, being apart, time, distance, can put a huge strain on romance.. hence, it didn't work out, and both weren't willing to commit. Hope this helps. I think these questions make for really cool hypothetical situations.. (Hollywood story lines).

I think your absolutely right, and that is a completely rational explanation, but I know that when desire gets a hold of someone, anything can happen, and ideally, we wouldn't hurt anyone and just be forward with each other. Too bad humans are so complex that sometimes we end up hurting people even though we don't want to, sometimes by trying to prevent hurt we prolong it. Sometimes to get to the level of truth your talking about is a very long process, and from my experience, doesn't ever happen at the beginning of a relationship. Not unless both people are older and really know themselves well. I guess there is no way out, except through, to quote someone, I forgot who.

I'll try and come up with some more hypothetical scenarios, once I know I can extract some valuable information from the responses.

 

[kyuuei]

What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage?

That depends entirely on the relationship he and I have, not at all on the other person. If the other person happens to hate me, then yes, it'll put a strain on the friendship, but I won't hold that against them either. In the one case I can go by, the wife happened to be super jealous.. worried he'd come back to me somehow (?? we were dating online and she was IRL?? There couldn't be much 'coming back' to begin with ) and so we still remain not very capable of talking the way we'd like to.. but it's more because I respect him enough to not make him decide between the two of us. If she won't, I at least will.

I tend to stay friends with my ex's.. I've had a couple where the relationship was just god-awful, and so I can't see myself being comfortably friendly with them anymore.. but usually, things don't work out =/= they're bad people for me. I liked being around them enough to be with them.. I wouldn't want to give that up just because a relationship wasn't the best idea we'd ever had.

Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship? How does it work out for you.

Of course I do. I'm not a very jealous person.. and I couldn't tolerate anyone being jealous for no reason. I keep myself an open book.. Anyone who tried to tell me who I could or could not be friends with wouldn't be a very ideal person for me anyways.. But it's never been a problem in the past.

How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?

My opinion of them may change a bit, depending. My opinion of most of my ex's is much the same that I had before we were together, I just happen to know more about them now. My opinion of 2 of my ex's, that happen to be the two sour relationships I've had in my life, have definitely changed.. but I didn't "love" them.. I wasn't in love with them.. so it's not like I could be angry that I spent all these emotions and time on them. I really didn't.

As far as the flame rekindling.. It's only happened once. The relationship failed again soon afterwards. I think, when you're truly in love with someone, that love never does die out. Being honest with yourself and each other, and having good communication will help out a lot with that. Know your limits, and what you are and are not capable of emotionally. If you're still physically attracted to someone, it might not be a good idea to go to events where they're flaunting their goods, or being in a room alone with them, etc. It's the same with emotional attraction.

 

[Lauren]

I think your absolutely right, and that is a completely rational explanation, but I know that when desire gets a hold of someone, anything can happen, and ideally, we wouldn't hurt anyone and just be forward with each other. Too bad humans are so complex that sometimes we end up hurting people even though we don't want to, sometimes by trying to prevent hurt we prolong it. Sometimes to get to the level of truth your talking about is a very long process, and from my experience, doesn't ever happen at the beginning of a relationship. Not unless both people are older and really know themselves well. I guess there is no way out, except through, to quote someone, I forgot who.

It's funny, I've been thinking of this quote lately as it applies to a situation I'm in with someone:
"The best way out is always through," Robert Frost.
I so agree with this whole thought. To the bolded part: that's been my experience. It has not been a straight path at all, as things rarely are when it comes to relationships. It has been a long process and at one point I realized that the relationship will unfold as its meant to. Things happened between us that I couldn't have foreseen or controlled; if you're meant to be together, fate will take a hand. That, and a watchfullness to be in the moment and say what's in your heart in any way that you can. The human heart is mutable, fluid; emotions or feelings are usually not comprehended well or are not very certain in the beginning.

 

[kiddykat]

Your right kiddykat, the question about the silent promise was more just my curiosity, wondering if and how other women think about their old flames that have made an impression on them. The girl I know, did verbally express this scenario, so it was in both of our heads, but I doubt she told anyone else, and I'm wondering if when I saw her, it was just out of coincidence that she was entertaining the possibility of us being together, or if she consciously did what she said she would do, which is "live some more life" before we actually got together. And if so, did she not find anyone who would replace whatever it was she felt I would offer, which I highly doubt, or did her idea of me stifle her other relationships?...I don't know.

I'm curious about how other women view it, because I like a girl now, who has an old flame, who may still like her, and she may still like him, they may be perfect for each other for all I know, but for some reason they are not together and this confuses me. I will eventually have to ask her about it. Right now, I'm doing research.



I think your absolutely right, and that is a completely rational explanation, but I know that when desire gets a hold of someone, anything can happen, and ideally, we wouldn't hurt anyone and just be forward with each other. Too bad humans are so complex that sometimes we end up hurting people even though we don't want to, sometimes by trying to prevent hurt we prolong it. Sometimes to get to the level of truth your talking about is a very long process, and from my experience, doesn't ever happen at the beginning of a relationship. Not unless both people are older and really know themselves well. I guess there is no way out, except through, to quote someone, I forgot who.

I'll try and come up with some more hypothetical scenarios, once I know I can extract some valuable information from the responses.

EnflamedHeart, I kinda had a feeling we were talking about two different chicks here!

^Understood. You're right. Life isn't perfect. Sometimes I can be quite naive about these things, sometimes not.. but I sure hope that if in the case with the other girl we're talking about, she's not wasting the other guy's time. If she does end up with him, I hope by then, she clearly finishes 'unfinished' business so that she can truly let go. Usually, when we let go is when we understand. That understanding comes with time.. Best of luck!

Edit- About the girl who did make that verbal promise- could be that she moved onto finding different relationships that met her various needs. Doesn't mean that what she shared with you was better or worse, just not quite the same.. Either way, I think for *some* of us (people in general), we get into relationships through 'trial and error' because every relationship offers new experiences. We're all individually unique. Sorta like placing two people's emotions into a flask- we all come from different walks in life. The chemistry between two people can pull out elements that highlight those experiences and make it stronger. In other cases, weaker, if there's little in common to grasp upon, to attract. Like a lock & key model.

Btw- thanks for asking really candid questions. I've thought about questions like these before. Haven't been able to verbalize it quite the same. Poetic is what I get from reading these posts, questions, & responses. Beautifully written. Nice job!

 

[stalemate]

I have a lot of opposite sex friends but they aren't old flames and I'm not trying to flirt with them or anything.

But I do have a lot of female friends and it doesn't seem like an issue at all.

 

[ComplexMind]

I have 1 ex boyfriend who has tried to be friends with me for several years. I don't want to be friends with him because when I ended the relationship I also wanted to end the friendship. And every time we talk feelings rush back just as fresh as if it were 6 years ago. He's the only person I've had such a strong connection with, almost psychic and he feels the same way. Perceiving this as unhealthy I decided to really cut ties with him. But as far as the men who I've casually dated who broke things off with me, I feel absolutely rejected unless they want to remain friends.

And as far as friends of the opposite sex??? Even though I do have more male friends than female friends, my male friends consist of men I've previously dated or potentials. So if we are not dating we are definitely flirting.