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  1. #11
    Senior Member mr.awesome's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?
    it doesnt happen.
    depending on the person i may still greet them and small talk with them, but my Fe does a complete 180 in the relationship and said 'flame' catches on and often no longer wants anything to do with me/ moves on.
    works everytime 95% of the time.


    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?
    i think of them as someone ive learned from. they were there for a reason and whatever i felt, i felt. all i ever really know is what i feel in the present moment and if im already in a devoted relationship im not going to focus on building upon any old love interests.
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  2. #12
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    In regards to the whole sexual thing. You have romantic, sexual, seductive, expression of love(making love) and they all intertwine to a degree that is actually extremely complicated.

    For me romantic touch is not sexual unless read into, sexual touch feeds into desire through seduction as opposed to romance. Feelings of love can lead into making love, which peaks at a sexual experience. This is different then sex which I almost want to say peaks in the inticipation. All these things can interplay though depending on what each person brings to the table.

    If you read into romantic touch you can cross the line mentally into making love, the same with seduction and sex. You are no longer in the moment, but in the future. You dont feel whats going on but feel what could happen. Eventually one of 2 things happen. You become immune to the possibility and enjoy it for what it is or you realize nothing is gonna happen and seek it out else where.

    The problem is that even if you become immune to the possibility and what could happen, things will always happen that pique your interest. Sometimes this is intentional, sometimes its not.

    Thoughts just are, feelings just are. Try to recognize when you cross between what is and what could be and know that the thought or feeling of what could be can easily kill what is. And that the feeling or thought of what could be was driven by the moment and when you destroy the moment you destroy the dreams.

    Yes this loops around the other way as well in regards to destroying the dream which destroys the drive at which point you seek things elsewhere and this ties back into what I said about realizing nothing is gonna happen.
    Im out, its been fun

  3. #13
    Junior Member experimental human's Avatar
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    Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?

    Not usually, I fit the ENFP stereotype of sticking around far too long for my own good. By the time a relationship has ended, there's usually nothing that would really make me want to keep the connection alive.

    How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?

    There is one ex, that I wanted to remain friends with. She broke it off with me. I may have had a bit of my old feelings for her, but I didn't go looking for her, until about a year after our relationship had ended. When I found her, she was in a pretty serious relationship. I kept it extremely friendly, because I certainly had no desire to mess that up, but she started sending me racy texts, making it pretty obvious, that a friendship was, unfortunately, not possible. I just let her be, and silently disappeared.

    What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage?

    This is a bit of a different question, and something I struggle with a lot, because most of my friends are women. None of them are married, at the moment, but their lovers usually feel threatened by the emotional connection between us. I can't say anything, so do most of the women I date. There's usually some redefining of things between us, less flirting, less time spent together, things like that. It's a little hard to deal with, because I miss the closeness, but I make an effort to make it clear to their guys, that I'm the least threatening guy on the face of the planet. I don't believe in helping people cheat. I won't say that I haven't, but that was quite some time ago, and I quickly came to realize the error of my ways.

  4. #14
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    In regards to the whole sexual thing. You have romantic, sexual, seductive, expression of love(making love) and they all intertwine to a degree that is actually extremely complicated.

    For me romantic touch is not sexual unless read into, sexual touch feeds into desire through seduction as opposed to romance. Feelings of love can lead into making love, which peaks at a sexual experience. This is different then sex which I almost want to say peaks in the inticipation. All these things can interplay though depending on what each person brings to the table.

    If you read into romantic touch you can cross the line mentally into making love, the same with seduction and sex. You are no longer in the moment, but in the future. You dont feel whats going on but feel what could happen. Eventually one of 2 things happen. You become immune to the possibility and enjoy it for what it is or you realize nothing is gonna happen and seek it out else where.

    The problem is that even if you become immune to the possibility and what could happen, things will always happen that pique your interest. Sometimes this is intentional, sometimes its not.

    Thoughts just are, feelings just are. Try to recognize when you cross between what is and what could be and know that the thought or feeling of what could be can easily kill what is. And that the feeling or thought of what could be was driven by the moment and when you destroy the moment you destroy the dreams.

    Yes this loops around the other way as well in regards to destroying the dream which destroys the drive at which point you seek things elsewhere and this ties back into what I said about realizing nothing is gonna happen.
    The STP gets it!

    Just enjoying what is can be perfect and more than enough. It doesn't have to lead anywhere, as you know it would only complicate things and cause harm. Doesn't mean you don't smile occasionally at the potential there
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  5. #15
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    I don't disagree with the idea of being firmly embedded in the moment, and learning to accept whatever comes, and going with the flow of emotion as it happens. It is very exciting and requires a lot of focus and your special attention, which can be very fulfilling if both people are on that same "wavelength". It makes one feel very alive!

    However, it just seems crazy to me that this is how "open" we have to be as individuals. I mean underlying this kind of mentality is the idea that if you keep your mind and heart open all the time like this, you are liable to make a deep connection with just about anyone. All you have to do is remain alert and aware of your surroundings at all times. I don't disagree with this either, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it just seems to be a recipe for disaster, especially once someone has settled down with an SO. At that point, I think one must begin to control their awareness and alertness towards the moment, or else they will be recieving and perhaps sending unwarranted signals towards the opposite sex that can potentially be harmful to a long term commitment.

  6. #16
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage? Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship? How does it work out for you.

    How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?
    For me- it's Hell No territory.

    I rather not go there. I don't want to rehash something (sexual tension, emotional/or otherwise). I don't like the idea of playing with people's emotions, either consciously or unconsciously. I keep distance out of respect for boundaries. If I see something that's escalateable/preventable- I do so ASAP.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    I don't disagree with the idea of being firmly embedded in the moment, and learning to accept whatever comes, and going with the flow of emotion as it happens. It is very exciting and requires a lot of focus and your special attention, which can be very fulfilling if both people are on that same "wavelength". It makes one feel very alive!

    However, it just seems crazy to me that this is how "open" we have to be as individuals. I mean underlying this kind of mentality is the idea that if you keep your mind and heart open all the time like this, you are liable to make a deep connection with just about anyone. All you have to do is remain alert and aware of your surroundings at all times. I don't disagree with this either, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it just seems to be a recipe for disaster, especially once someone has settled down with an SO. At that point, I think one must begin to control their awareness and alertness towards the moment, or else they will be recieving and perhaps sending unwarranted signals towards the opposite sex that can potentially be harmful to a long term commitment.
    That focus and attention is my wall that protects me. The focus and attention though is also only present when in certain types of relationships and I know for me its even more present since I have an SO. In the case of 2 people who have similiar concepts in regards to walls you end up with both having a barrier as opposed to one trying every way possible to breach the others wall. Its more like play fighting where if one finds an opening they get in and then close it up. You help find the weaknesses so you can strengthen them.

    As you learn certain types you learn better and quicker where the weaknesses are, you learn when to push them, how to push them, and how to close them up. You can start to really play in lots of different areas as you get stronger. Instead of relying on offensive attacks you play very defensively.

    Yes the old flame thing can be harder and takes more time and caution because there are so many holes that need to be strengthened and closed up.
    Im out, its been fun

  8. #18
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    That focus and attention is my wall that protects me. The focus and attention though is also only present when in certain types of relationships and I know for me its even more present since I have an SO. In the case of 2 people who have similiar concepts in regards to walls you end up with both having a barrier as opposed to one trying every way possible to breach the others wall. Its more like play fighting where if one finds an opening they get in and then close it up. You help find the weaknesses so you can strengthen them.
    I like the way you describe this, and it makes sense if both people wish to remain themselves, and maintain their integrity as individuals in the case that they will not always be together. In other words it seems like an ideal situation for people who recognize that this world is corrupt and no one can really be trusted, including themselves with each other.

    It actually sounds like your describing a diplomatic war, in which each nation agrees to not take advantage of the other, but I wonder, what keeps them bound to this agreement when the intense emotional affection slowly wears away?

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    I like the way you describe this, and it makes sense if both people wish to remain themselves, and maintain their integrity as individuals in the case that they will not always be together. In other words it seems like an ideal situation for people who recognize that this world is corrupt and no one can really be trusted, including themselves with each other.

    It actually sounds like your describing a diplomatic war, in which each nation agrees to not take advantage of the other, but I wonder, what keeps them bound to this agreement when the intense emotional affection slowly wears away?
    Once the intense emotional affection wears away do you really need a wall since these are the things the wall is protecting from?

    edit: you tear down the walls slowly paying attention to things the strengthening helped make you aware of.
    Im out, its been fun

  10. #20
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
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    I noticed a while ago that I have kept most of my "old flames" as friends, the ones that I had formed strong connections to in particular. There are few in there that had hurt me too much (though I attempted to forgive them), ones that did not respect boundaries and others that I just did not get along with that were definitely tossed aside into the abyss for good haha. So what is it that makes me keep in touch w/old flames? Well, I think it is because I care about them. I recognized that I care for them despite how I may have felt romantically about them in the past, I wish them well as human beings.

    I have honestly given so many old flames advice on the opposite sex, like telling them how to get the girl, or how to keep the girl happy etc. I think that I no longer really have that intense attraction I may have once had with these guys. Usually, once it sinks in that we're not together anymore, those flames die for me.

    There are a few guys that I had intense physical chemistry with and even though I am open to online friendship, I do not hang out with them in person. The reason is obvious, physical attraction is equivalent to sexual attraction. Also, some ppl are definitely more sexual than others. When you get ppl like that together, they're bound to fuck haha...but I digress.

    In terms of having a significant other and respecting their wishes and avoiding causing any complications it all really varies on the independent parties. Some SOs are more insecure than others, some may trust you, some may not (with or w/o good reason). You also have to know yourself as a person and know your limits. If you are aware of this you will be in control of the situation. In my opinion, the people who "won't dare tread those waters" do it for one of three reasons: 1)because they doubt their own self control or their old flame's and the potential of seduction 2) they may also be insecure and do not want to cross any lines and offend their SOs in fear that they might leave them or do the same to them 3) they have strong personal values or principles that are firmly state "do not go there because nothing will be gained from it".


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