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  1. #21
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gamine View Post
    So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?
    Probably. Especially if you are safe to show strong emotion around.

    Edit: Pertaining to the points above, it can be tricky to tell with an INFJ, at least, what is deep and personal and what is small talk. Confusing, I know. Sorry.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  2. #22
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Probably. Especially if you are safe to show strong emotion around.

    Edit: Pertaining to the points above, it can be tricky to tell with an INFJ, at least, what is deep and personal and what is small talk. Confusing, I know. Sorry.
    I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?

  3. #23
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gamine View Post
    So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?
    Most likely, but not always. I've been known to be pretty open with people I've just met (because there's nothing to lose, or I may never see them again), but if it's a *regular* occurrence, and I'd say especially if he/she's being more raw with emotions...yes, you're probably 'in'.

    Anyway -- this may vary from one INFJ to another. But, for myself, when I actually start talking about my feelings & beliefs, more controversial things, or really try to share a lot about myself (rather than focusing on the other person and trying to get them to open up to me), I am investing in the relationship and trust you enough to treat what I share with respect and understanding. And it probably means that even if I know our beliefs/views are different, that you'll still treat my views as equally valid as I would treat yours.

    I'm also someone who doesn't really sustain the casual friendship/acquaintance thing..at least in the longterm. I'm either really close to you, or if not, then I don't see a purpose in keeping you in my life. Sort of what the_state was saying. I'm all about both people getting something out of the relationship and growing/supporting one another. I'll tactfully (to the best of my ability) remove acquaintances from my life if I sense they see me as more of a friend and connection than I can reciprocate.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  4. #24
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    If I share something when I'm actually still processing it and am vulnerable, rather than just telling about it after, that probably is the difference for me. Pitseleh said it well. I second though that what some people might consider deep and personal to share is something I might share quite easily. On the other hand, something like a music or book or person I really like wouldn't be a big deal to someone, but to me it is if someone makes a comment rejecting it, because it reflects me and what matters to me. Therefore, I am only open about those kinds of things, or about ideas/beliefs that are important to me once I feel it is safe to share it and it will be treated respectfully.

  5. #25
    Phantonym
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pitseleh View Post
    I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?
    I think you are spot on.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    If I share something when I'm actually still processing it and am vulnerable, rather than just telling about it after, that probably is the difference for me. Pitseleh said it well. I second though that what some people might consider deep and personal to share is something I might share quite easily. On the other hand, something like a music or book or person I really like wouldn't be a big deal to someone, but to me it is if someone makes a comment rejecting it, because it reflects me and what matters to me. Therefore, I am only open about those kinds of things, or about ideas/beliefs that are important to me once I feel it is safe to share it and it will be treated respectfully.
    To the bolded: people are very different and, considering this thread, I think you can't really know if NFJ's mean "it" unless you've gotten to know them well and are able to pick up on the nuances. This isn't really helpful, sorry, but that's just how things are.

  6. #26
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gamine View Post
    So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?
    yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.

  7. #27
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.
    Word, I say!

    This especially true when we're in a closed-up, bad mood. The only people we are willing to deal with more than minimally are the friends we're close to. Those people are people we feel like we can be ourselves with. Basically, if there's a click, we automatically like you unless you call us out on our weak points. For example, I hate it when people call me dumb for being socially maladjusted, or if they call me out on my logic in a tone that logic is a 'duh' subject that I must be too dumb to understand. If I can't say everything around you, why should I say anything?

    This can be tough for well meaning people that just don't 'get' us. We screen every action (that we notice) through our Ni/Fe to judge what stance you are taking with us. If it's a 'WTF are you talking about, make sense!' half the time, there is no way we'll open up. In my case, if you can be casual with us, we open up fairly quickly. Probably why I make more male xxxP friends than any other kind of person, since they're not as judgmental (All the female ExxPs I know, ugh, it feels like I'm being judged harsher than I judge anyone else!)

    Anyway, be yourself. If it doesn't work out when you're yourself, it never will work out.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

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  8. #28
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pitseleh View Post
    I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?
    Yeah, I think so.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #29
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    You'll know if you've cracked me open. I'll be wearing an unmistakable "WTH?! I'm a goner!? Whaddya mean, Domino?! We didn't authorize this!!" face paired with some level of blushing and/or silence. A favorite trick of my ENTP ex to end a verbal sparring match was simply to invade my space. It was like dropping an A-bomb on me. I'd turn into a mess. I get quite gooey. *grumblestupidviscositygrumblegrumble*

    As a friend, I'll seek you out frequently for advice or just to joke around. I'll ask you a lot of personal questions. I'll roll you around on the floor and poke at various places like a curious monkey.

    WHOA. Edit: State has said it perfectly.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.
    Yes definitely, for me. I only have a handful of people that I can do this with as well. One I have feelings for and I have opened up with him at very intense in-the-process moments that I wouldn't have thought I would have ever been able to do. He has done the same. When I allow myself to be this vulnerable to someone, it's special. I never, ever say anything to this person but the truth of how I feel or the truth about anything (my mistakes and all) and I always listen to him without judgment. The ability to share something that's not finished, that trust, opens the door to deeper intimacy and trust.

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