it's going to be a serious sharing from me, which I need a kind advices/opinions from fellow INFPs here*
so here it goes:
My dad last night just argued heavily with me, and quite frustrated with how I've become with my life.. of how very dissapointed & crushed he is to see my current state, ie: I still haven't succesfully 'become' or DO anything.
I will turn 28 this august (and how I hate growing older with passion, how I often wish I could turn back time, go back to my childhood, and this time started doing things more differently into what *I* like, not what others told me!..).
I'm still 'working' in a family-business now as my day job, and the reason I said 'working',...is because my dad (& everybody else in the family-business, ie: cousin, uncle) already know that I have zero passion/heart in there, and hence, after all these 7 years I'm here (yes,..that long! it's all because of my 'soft' INFP nature, and my indecisiveness, which I'll explain in frustration below), I don't do, or become anything!
I also seem to dislike any 'corporate' job suggestion that my dad used to offer me.
meanwhile,..I always, always love music with all my heart, in fact, Music is very inseparable with me, I myself am a musician/songwriter/composer.
ever since I returned back here to my home-country (ie: Indonesia) 7 yrs ago (in year 2003), I've been forming, and also got involved in few bands , but unfortunately, except the last one, it's all just a combination of lack of seriousness, lack of commitment, experiences & "industry" knowledge (yes...music is, sadly, heavily related with the word 'industry' & 'business' :/ )
,basically just "playing around" without what I'm (we're) doing.
the last one (around two years ago) was a serious one, but unfortunately, we clashed, due to differences in skills (ie: I'm the main songwriter, and also an arranger, and I'm perfectionistic in nature, so often, other members have a 'difficult' time with me) , and also attitude/personality (the vocalist (female) is quite a temperamental & easily-angry person, and there's some "elitism" and "favoritism" in the group, which became unhealthy).
But long story short, basically now I want to start again, the path of being a true "professional" musician/songwriter/composer.
but my dad always stressed me to STOP PLAYING AROUND, and get a REAL job.
and being an 'understanding' eldest son of him,..I can somewhat understand that he actually meant well, ie: he basically want to see me have good (or 'BIG') enough money to be able to finance myself, my living, and later when I have a family, house, car, etc, and also,..as a part of usual Chinese (asian) culture, to be able to support him (& my mom) in their old days.
I am heavily stressed now,..because of several facts:
1. My dad is getting older, he's going to turn 60 in few years
2. his business & financial condition of the family is not going very well in these recent years (compared to those 'happy' past 10, 15 years ago).
it's very very frustrating to see this, but it's a Reality.
2. thus, he seems to start putting more responsibilities on me, as his eldest son (which so far has been nothing but big dissapointment to him,..he said that himself...it break my heart so much,..but it's also a fact)
3. which is the main topic of this thread:
being an INFP myself, I've now realized that I've basically spent my 7 years being "too laid-back" about these kind of serious things, even admitedly, I've been 'escaping' too much to run from the pains of Reality, ie: I often hide & sleep in my office/factory, browsing Internet endlessly, watching anime & playing video-games, communicating with online & Youtube friends, etc etc .
but only last night,..after some serious frustrated anger from him,
I've started to realize, and got 'hard-slapped' on my face by REALITY,
...........that I'm such a 'loser' , I've become or done NOTHING proudful to my dad,..that I am a very spoiled young 'adult' ,
that's been living life too laid-back (I've started to feel that all my "niceness" & "warmness" that many people seem to acknowledge & appreciate to become an USELESS thing, in this HARD COLD REALISTIC WORLD!).
sorry,.....I've suddenly vented.
I don't know what else to say..
worse, I even don't know what is the RIGHT thing to do, to please & make my dad (parents) happy, and I even don't know - being a "weird" INFP who seem to have a world-apart differences in terms of perspective, hope, and ambitions with my dad - if I'll ever make him happy/proud of my 'uniqueness' !
I feel worthless, an indecisive nobody at this point!
my point is:
all these "I am indecisive by nature because I'm an INFP" only might seems 'cute' when we're still like in our early teens, up 'till 23, 24 yrs old.
but once you're turning 25, or hell, about to turn 30 in few years (like me),
all those 'rosy, colorful' world that I've always seen, felt, & also shared,
ALL seems to start crumbling down, in the hard face of Reality, that it's all about Money & being smart at it! ...such a 'cold' world, I've felt.. but it's a reality.
"don't be damn naive like a little kid", my dad often told me that,...and I guess he's right.
Fellow INFPs, reading my story above, and also according to your OWN experiences now, have you succesfully dealt with your indecisiveness, "putting-off life" nature of yours?
(because we all know, that EVERY kind of job needs a true, SOLID consistent efforts, instead of sporadic huge interests only in the beginning!)
how did/have you handled that?
and how to stop "putting off lives",
and to start getting serious in Life,
especially,..if it's going to be following your passion, which probably "out of mainstream", and don't pay much money (to make a living, and to eat??)
how did you handled all of this,
and how can you become something proudful to your parents??....
or,.....is it actually quite a near-impossible thing to achieve,
as an INFPs ?
will it always forever be our 'fate/destiny'
to run 'scattered', and forever wondering in our life, about the "unfairness" of Life, and on "what should I be doing in this 'Realistic' world??", and "what I'm going to do is going to be a very few, or less travelled path?"
'cuz this indecisiveness and 'escaping reality' nature has started to crush me real bad,..and I need to 'wake up' and DO something really really quick! (since I'm going to be 28,...no more "playing around",..as much as I want it).
I want to stop putting-off my life,
and hopefully, choosing the rightest path,
...and 'become' somebody...
would love to hear your opinions/advices!