[ENFP] ENFPS -- Are you difficult??

[Elemental Chaos]

I don't think anyone ever told me that I was exceptionally difficult. Still, it feels like my emotional roller-coaster and principles makes some people wary of me

Also:

(check this out too ENFP Personal Growth)

Bookmarked.

 

[garbage]

What? No. I'm accommodating of others to a fault.

I do tend to respond to others as they respond to me, though--for good and for bad. If you yell at me, expect me to raise my voice and be much more direct in kind. If you're snarky, then, well, congratulations; you've given me license to be snarky, too.

So, for the people who can dish it out but can't take it, I'm pretty difficult.

 

[Elemental Chaos]

What? No. I'm accommodating of others to a fault.

I do tend to respond to others as they respond to me, though--for good and for bad. If you yell at me, expect me to raise my voice and be much more direct in kind. If you're snarky, then, well, congratulations; you've given me license to be snarky, too.

So, for the people who can dish it out but can't take it, I'm pretty difficult.

So true. Just that I also tend to turn it up just a bit too much.

 

[Malkavia]

I had my first child very young which forced me to commit to completing college to be self supportive.





Both of these sort of highlight things my entp friend says about me. I can quickly grasp the big picture, and skip all of the details-aka the Ti system she is trying to build. She also says enfps always think we are right. And we do right up until you provide us with more data-at which point we change our minds and are right again... I think this is because our Ideas are grounded upon ideals. We "value" the idea we just came up with, thus will spring to it's defense, even if it is kinda wrong as we attached some Fi to it.

Fine, if actually an Fi problem, but the innate Fi defense response-"Of course I am right"-is not fine if it is a calculus problem.

Oddly, internally we feel as though we are very flexible, but externally this can look odd as you will see different facets of our personality as we mold to others around us to match them. All facets are very real-but we can look like we have no fixed core as a result-yet have a very firm sense of identity.

So I guess the bigger question is how do improve these?

 

[sculpting]

So I guess the bigger question is how do improve these?

you know one of the real cool things about being an ENFP? I think we can use Te to understand and structure ourselves-our own minds.

When we see someone else in need we seem to first mirror their response to validate their emotions (Fi), then second come up with a plan to help get them back on track (Te).

In this case we must be aware of our OWN patterns, monitor our behavior, then choose to modify those innate patterns using Te plans. Understanding the pattern itself is extraordinarily useful, as then I know what my next innate response would be-and I can choose if I wish to continue in that direction or not.

an example-when hurt badly I will first withdraw in an Fe defensive shadow mode, if pushed further, lash out in Te defensive mode, and finally totally have an emo crying fit. By understanding these patterns, when hurt emotionally I can decide NOT to withdraw and NOT to lash out. I can decide to instead ask for time alone to process. But before understanding the above patterns-it just feels being pulled in a hundred different directions, none of which make any sense.

For these particular issues-

"I am always right"-
1) Consciously recognize our logic (Te) is grounded in "Fi values" thus will always "FEEL" right. Our default mode is to protect those value judgments with an ass kicking helping of Te-thus the slight defensive posture we take when questioned and the almost insulted "of course it is right" air we assume if questioned. This is how we are wired as we are kinda designed to take care of other people by standing up and fighting for them.

2) Identify if the problem is purely logical or not. Is there a need to defend a value? Is the feeling of "right" even relevant if it is a math problem? If it is logical, then try and distance yourself from the gut pull, mentally reframe the problem at stake as being logical and then-well-reperceive the problem in that context. I learned this early on as an undergrad.

3) If it is a value based problem, then it becomes subjective. You have to internally ask if this is a good value to fight for, is there more good to be gained by compromise, and again if reframed from a different perspective, perhaps you could judge the problem against a different set of values? Maybe it is best just not to say anything at all, even if you feel strongly.

4) Recognize often ENFPs will say a lot just via our tone of voice. The value based judgment is there so that even if we are just stating a fact, we will do so in an authoritative, almost condescending manner at times. You have to learn to listen to your own voice and monitor-self regulate I guess.


The Te vs Ti-

This is huge and we will fuck it up badly. Ti users are your best friends, so recognize you are missing info-even if you "feel" like you have the right answer and force yourself to listen. But the Fi/Fe communication issues can become real road blocks here.


um, I hope some of that was helpful....I dunno...thinking up a lot of it as I go along...

 

[MafiaAngel180]

i'm really too sleepy brained to even attempt answering but maybe it'll make sense...we'll see

i think we can be confusing and frustrating. i think we can be so quick to pick out just a bit of information and think we have the full picture and respond to that but then we're lazy and don't realize not everyone else is seeing the same picture and the few details we provide is not enough...so it just isn't very effective communication...but we don't always do that....i should say me...maybe that's a me thing not an enfp thing.

but...i don't really have anyone say i'm difficult to get along with...but i'm sure that ^^ is annoying.

Wow yeah...I do that.

Here is an example of how I frustrated my mother. My mom was taking me to the bus station. (The day before she wanted to know the exact time the driver left the station.) I got in the car. She said something about my father (which I could have cared less about because it was just a remark). Like 30 seconds later, I told her "Now, he leaves at exactly 6:30am." So she started going off about "Him taking me to the bus stop and not herself." We were in this long conversation where I got mad because she wasn't making sense and LAUGHING at me because I didn't understand what she was talking about. After some investigation we discovered that she thought I was talking about my dad and not the bus driver. It was so frustrating, because how clear do I have to be? She insists it was my fault. And that I am difficult and exhausting. Should I omit any pronouns when speaking and be SPECIFIC as possible?? It's almost like I have to talk to someone who is mentally challenged. I just feel like I have to do this with everyone because this misinterpret everything I say.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

Yes, I hear it. Hang around here and you will find other crazy people like you.

I adore crazy people.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

yes.

So what do you do about it??

 

[Arclight]

i'm really too sleepy brained to even attempt answering but maybe it'll make sense...we'll see

i think we can be confusing and frustrating. i think we can be so quick to pick out just a bit of information and think we have the full picture and respond to that but then we're lazy and don't realize not everyone else is seeing the same picture and the few details we provide is not enough...so it just isn't very effective communication...but we don't always do that....i should say me...maybe that's a me thing not an enfp thing.

but...i don't really have anyone say i'm difficult to get along with...but i'm sure that ^^ is annoying.

Bold.. This is always my conflict with ENFPs ..

 

[MafiaAngel180]

ENFPs are [too] difficult for ME (its the other way around )

I tend to bother my ENFP friend with my snarkiness (Gotta love the ESTP shadow) and perfectionism, but that's because they aren't so worried about everything 'fitting together.' They get all impatient like 'cmonnnnn lets gooooo' and then I'm like 'GTFO I'm working here!' then they're like fiiiiiinnnnne *huff*.

Lol I wonder if my friend is an ENFJ. I just get snarky back with him. Then I feel bad. Then I tell him I love him. Haha. I am a very hurried individual and my friend is more leisurely. We went on vacation. He slept in until 2pm everyday and took 2 hours to get ready. I think my sister is also an INFJ. I love that type though.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

Can you give us more examples? And how old are you?

How exactly do you communicate? What specifically do people get angry at you about?

As for your mom - if you don't see eye to eye, I wouldn't necessarily blame it just on yourself and think something is "wrong" with you. Some people just love criticizing their kids or want their kids to be Exactly Like Them. Parents also have a job (and actually more of a responsibility IMHO than their kids have to them) to try to understand their children and communicate clearly with their kids so that you at least understand why they are getting angry with you.

I'm 31. I bet you weren't expecting that. I used to think I was soooooo good at communicating with people, until I realized that I wasn't.

I posted above an example of a conversation with my mother. They usually involve some slight misunderstanding where I chose to use a pronoun instead of a proper noun. I find that I jump around in conversations. I could be talking with someone about relationships. We will go onto something else. But in my mind I am still thinking of relationships. So then I mention something about relationships 10 minutes later. And they think it's soooo random. "Where did that come from???" When in fact, it was still in my mind. Just random to them.

As for my mom, no we don't see eye to eye. Regardless of that though, communication is rough.

At any rate, it's getting worse for me lately...or maybe I just now really started paying attention to how I communicate. My thoughts are scattered too, only because there are so many of them that I take off into different directions. I might needs meds. Haha.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

Maybe you are surrounded by the kind of people that don't understand you? Maybe you are going through a phase where you are also searching for yourself and thus people can sense that you aren't sure of yourself and that is why you feel they are treating you wrongly and not understanding you?

Yeah, it could be. I am lacking N connectivity in my life, I think.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

I wouldnt say Im "difficult", I usually try my best to unite people under a banner and inspire them. How old are you?

I AM stubborn however. My idea is always right, obviously. I cant let things go and its a problem. THAT can make me difficult I think.

31. Don't get me wrong, I like to unite and inspire too. But not everyone is receptive. Not everyone thinks I am difficult to understand or communicate with. I am not stubborn at all. I think it truely is my communication style, which I am hell bent on fixing.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

I don't think anyone ever told me that I was exceptionally difficult. Still, it feels like my emotional roller-coaster and principles makes some people wary of me

Also:

Bookmarked.

Yeah...the emotional rollercoaster. I've been called moody. But I think that has more to do with my generalized anxiety disorder. I could be wrong there, though.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

What? No. I'm accommodating of others to a fault.

I do tend to respond to others as they respond to me, though--for good and for bad. If you yell at me, expect me to raise my voice and be much more direct in kind. If you're snarky, then, well, congratulations; you've given me license to be snarky, too.

So, for the people who can dish it out but can't take it, I'm pretty difficult.

Hmmm this has me thinking...

I make faces all of the time. I am so full of expression. I don't even know that I'm doing it. People always ask me what's wrong. My teacher stopped class once just to ask if I was ok and what was wrong. hahahahaha. But nothing was wrong!!!! I wonder if people notice my expressions and it causes them to act a certain way. Like you said, it gives people the license to be that way too. Like maybe is someone senses that I am mad, they act mad too. I dunno. Just a thought.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

Oddly, internally we feel as though we are very flexible, but externally this can look odd as you will see different facets of our personality as we mold to others around us to match them. All facets are very real-but we can look like we have no fixed core as a result-yet have a very firm sense of identity.

Exactly. I think I genuinely feel like I am flexible. But other people don't really think so. And it pisses me off when they think I am not flexible or hard to understand or unable to communicate effectively, because I always thought I was good at these things. So it kind of has been hampering my self esteem. How people talk, act, etc...that is their identity....who they are.

So lately, I think I've been having an indentiy crisis so to speak. How should I act...how should I talk...I am starting to doubt myself. I've been starting to shut down like I can't do anything right.

 

[Aimee]

Exactly. I think I genuinely feel like I am flexible. But other people don't really think so. And it pisses me off when they think I am not flexible or hard to understand or unable to communicate effectively, because I always thought I was good at these things. So it kind of has been hampering my self esteem. How people talk, act, etc...that is their identity....who they are.

So lately, I think I've been having an indentiy crisis so to speak. How should I act...how should I talk...I am starting to doubt myself. I've been starting to shut down like I can't do anything right.

I can relate. I've had family members and coworkers where I felt like this with. My strengths (ex: enthusiasm, sensitivity) were viewed as annoyances.
It's frustrating when you feel like you can't bring anything worthwhile to the table and you care so much to do so.

 

[MafiaAngel180]

I can relate. I've had family members and coworkers where I felt like this with. My strengths (ex: enthusiasm, sensitivity) were viewed as annoyances.
It's frustrating when you feel like you can't bring anything worthwhile to the table and you care so much to do so.

Amen!! I hear that!! And for me, it always seems to be with those I care those about.

 

[Drezoryx]

you guys are writing very well and are clearly understood, why dont you try talking the way you are all writing

 

[ilovereeses]

you guys are writing very well and are clearly understood, why dont you try talking the way you are all writing

Because we go over our posts several times before pressing "submit"

Or at least I do