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  1. #1
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Question How do you get over the bitterness?

    I have recently suffered deep shame and sadness from being hurt by and unwillingly hurting someone I care about and that incident put an end to the relationship.

    I apologized, humiliated myself and did what I had to do about it. The person told me not to hold on to my negative feelings and to stop feeling bad about it, but I find myself in a situation where everything that revolved around her makes me feel kind of bitter. That person had a big place in my idealistic perspectives, and tons of things I love, care about and inspire me are linked to her in some way (in my head, at least). How do you deal with this kind of bitterness?
    I feel like I can't allow myself to love those things or find joy in them anymore.

  2. #2
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    that's hard. i feel bad for you.

    i wish i had some words of comfort, but words just fail me now... i've experienced similar feelings, though, so i can sympathize.

    i suppose... sometimes we need to mourn for the ideals, as much as for the hurtful situation... i don't know if this makes any sense, though. i'm sorry that the conflict was so bad that it ended the relationship.

    you don't think that perhaps, sometime in the future, you two could meet again and patch things up? things change, people change... they do. i have.

    it probably isn't that bad, though? she already forgave you. maybe you need time to forgive her? maybe you need time to rearrange your ideals? maybe you need time to calm yourself, forgive yourself?

    don't be too hard on yourself. it might take a while. someday... you'll probably be laughing...
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  3. #3
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    I feel like I can't allow myself to love those things or find joy in them anymore.
    Why?

    This is an interesting statement.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    You have to let that person and the past go. It is not easy and it will take time. I don't know the details so...

    By you not allowing yourself to love those things, you are pushing back feelings, you are denying connections/feelings, accept your feelings, and let those feelings go. And then when you see a bench where you two once sat, it is just a bench (in my experience), whenever I pass it now, it is just an old, rotting bench, not a symbol of what we had.

    Give it time, I'd say. Don't expect it to go away immediately. Find some new things to be excited and inspired about. Find peace and acceptance within yourself. Talk with a friend, objectify the situation a bit, give yourself space and time to get over this. Don't push yourself so hard.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post

    it probably isn't that bad, though? she already forgave you. maybe you need time to forgive her? maybe you need time to rearrange your ideals? maybe you need time to calm yourself, forgive yourself?

    I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

    Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.

  6. #6
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

    Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.
    by accepting that no one is perfect. people just misunderstand each other, too. maybe she needs time, also? it's ok to feel bad. don't feel bad about that. it will pass. your sadness is yours now, and her sadness is hers. you've talked about it. give it time.
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  7. #7
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

    Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.
    Forgiving yourself takes time. The feelings of bitterness will linger for some time, but do not let them eat you away. Give yourself time to recover and recollect what went wrong. Trust me, allowing the bitterness to consume you is not a good situation to be in. Been there, done that.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  8. #8
    Senior Member Xellotath's Avatar
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    Just one word of advice.
    No matter what you do at this stage, do -not- blame it on personality, typology or whatever.

    You cannot imagine how quickly your mind sinks into shame-based insanity if you tell yourself that your pain is due to a personality mismanagement. Ie, if I had used more Ne or Fi or whatever.

    You'll end up chasing after ghosts, while your insides are torn apart because you feel like you are the problem on a deep fundamental level.

    I spent 11 months experiencing -that- hell. I can easily say it was longer and more psychologically brutal than the pain of losing someone in family or losing my job ..or anything else for that matter. Not even existential psychotherapy did a thing. I went totally insane. So don't make the same mistake.

    /emotionally-charged advice

  9. #9
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Oh, I've felt this before. Its really irritating to have an ideal shattered and then sort of internally beat yourself up (without control) for having made it. I have felt the same 'I can't like these things' that revolved around the ideal and fed it while giving me joy at the same time. I'm not sure if its a coping mechanism to snap out of it & let go of the frustration faster or if its self abasement. I can never tell because I usually feel equally ashamed at having been naive and unrealistic, and feeling just whiney that I can't go back in time and make it all not happen. Of course, being an ENFJ, the above nearly always involves a person I'm close to...

    The only thing that ever gets things back to normal is time & distraction. As long as I avoid the bitter things just a little while and don't let myself dwell on what happened, I can usually snap back and be close to the person again (and what's associated with them) without hard feelings.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  10. #10
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    I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I've definitely been there. I've found that the only thing that seems to help is time passing. It takes time to start enjoying those things again and you will again. Try to notice when the bitterness enters your mind and then try not to dwell on it. Distract your mind and change the way you think at that moment by trying to put the negativity aside. It gets easier as the time passes along. Best of luck!

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