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[INFJ] Is it common among INFJ's?

cfs1992

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Jul 26, 2009
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211
Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
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Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?

For sure, and as a male its sometimes easy to fool people into thinking I am much more rational then I let on. At the core im basically a bundle of insecurities and complexities even i cant fully put together, I do know I feel things deeply though and thats a strange wild card for me because I have always been super self sufficient and a loner, but to need people the way I do, its scary because it opens the door to hurt... so its easy to project an image of like power and coolness even though under the surface things might be bubbling or even boiling over. If I acted on every emotional whim going through my mind people would assume i was batshit insane because the nature of Ni + Fe = serious clingy / neurosis so its like my never ending chore to keep all those negative connection making's under wraps and to not assume the worst case scenario(s).

It also makes me aloof, which makes people think i am not paying attention but if my mind is in overload processing something i am paying total attention even if i am focusing off into space lol.
 

cafe

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Apr 19, 2007
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Yeah. I have had more than one person believe I was cold because I don't like showing a lot of emotion.
 

cfs1992

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Jul 26, 2009
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Your situation is identical mine! I'm a female, and women are more likely to show feelings, but because of some happenings of my past, when my feelings was so cruelly hurted I started to become like this. But like you said "under the surface things might be bubbling or even boiling over". Exactly like this.
 

cfs1992

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Yeah. I have had more than one person believe I was cold because I don't like showing a lot of emotion.

:yes:

Sometimes when I show them people become surprised...

But it's good to show that I am not a rock...
 

Lux

Kraken down on piracy
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Aug 6, 2009
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I too, have heard this. It just shows me how little the people who have said it actually know me.

It is not a defense for myself, personally. I don't typically show a lot of emotion because usually a situation is not helped by an overt display of it. Just because I don't show it does not mean I don't feel it.
 

cafe

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To me, I would not go around with my feelings hanging out all over the place anymore than I would go to the grocery store naked. Nobody wants to see that.
 

cfs1992

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I don't typically show a lot of emotion because usually a situation is not helped by an overt display of it. Just because I don't show it does not mean I don't feel it.

Yeah, there's this side too...

I identified myself with all posts here.
 

whatusername

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Aug 3, 2009
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INFJ
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4
Not "cold" per se, but some people have pointed out that I don't share much of what's "going on with me." I've had one friend point out that she doesn't have a clue what my problems are, while I know each and every one of hers.

I feel like if we somehow let people into our own lives, it feels like a concession, that we're somehow wary of being "known". Maybe we fear being pinned down by what people think of us.

Maybe the "coldness vibe" is the manifestation of that wariness.
 

Tikka

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Aug 15, 2009
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INFJ
I agree completely with every statement above. Usually people tell their life stories to me (which I'm usually very interested in) but I really, really hate to tell much about my private life. I just think theirs are more interesting, whilst I know mine is not boring at all as well. It's just.. hard to explain my quirks to other people.

Also, especially in stressful or emotional situations, I usually try not to show an overtly amount of emotion, because I don't think the situation is helped by that. But trust me, I feel a lot of emotions inside and my mind is racing with thoughts and feelings.

When I see someone in need of emotional comfort, I feel his/her pain, and sometimes I'd rather walk away than to put a hand on his/her shoulder, because it would hurt myself too much. It's almost a rational decision to go there and start comforting.

I like to sit on the sidelines and observe, while my mind is figuring out what is going on, especially in group dynamics or the chemistry between two persons. I think people find me very aloof when I'm doing this. While I know I needn't be, I'm also sensitive of what people think of me.

I'm quite bad at showing empathy because I'm afraid the levees will break and all my emotions will be poured out uncontrollably. In personal life, especially in relationships, I have had a few times that I cracked and went hot headed uncontrollably. Not pretty, I can tell you that.

A couple of weeks ago I had a talk with a friend of mine who has a sister suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies. I felt very bad for her and through my questions I invited her to tell more about it. Then she cracked and cried and I started apologising immediately for my questions (while trying to keep my tears in as well) but she actually said she was relieved that someone asked the right questions and that she could open up.

I still feel bad for making her cry. :confused:

Hm, should be easier to be an INFJ female than an INFJ male. :jew:
 

Quiet

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Mar 1, 2010
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About 4 years ago, I had a strong friendship with an ESFP. She used to delve into her personal problems very openly with everyone and anyone. I cared very much about her and her situations and invested an insane amount of time with her, often just being present while she moped and repeated her complaints. I remember here and there when I tried to open up a bit about myself, she would take that opportunity to once again make it about her. I knew she was lonely etc. I remember her learning something interesting about me once and seeming so surprized. She would often tell me that it drover her crazy because she didn't feel she really knew me.

I share enough about myself here and there where and when I'm comfortable to do so. Like online, lol. More people know the truer deeper me on a couple of forums than ever in real life. That's Wayyy too close!
 

infjwatching

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Jun 10, 2010
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People tell me I am mysterious, I think INFJ are very aware and see the motives of people so they keep a distance. They are rarely caught unaware. I have a hand full of very close friends who I have known since I was a child, and extremely loyal to me and I have lot of acquaintances.
 
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kccrush

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Apr 23, 2010
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I often have people tell me I'm very intense, hard-to-read, intimidating, etc. This most often happens in the workplace if I'm uncomfortable with my colleagues. I've needed to try to push the walls that I often feel building up inside of me down and stop "feeling" intense so I can connect with people. Sometimes I find this impossible to achieve and end up feeling powerless. This often depresses me, and the wall builds up even further. Even though I've dealt with this my whole life, I still have a really hard time when these reactions occur. It helps to have friends/colleagues there to engage me and draw me out. But that's not always the case, and so it's crucial to learn how to do it yourself (myself) and if I can't, then try to get out of the room or the exchange so I don't ruin relationships. I'm 37 and I still find this to be a barrier. I've discovered that I can tell me - I'm not feeling like interacting much today, etc. But for people who only know you as being talkative and happy, they often take this personally. Sometimes it's a lose-lose situation...
 

HollyGolightly

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Nov 29, 2009
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sp/so
I get criticised a lot for being too aloof. I'm just guarded and reserved, not cold :)
 

ilovelurking

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Aug 10, 2009
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I definitely got told that I'm cold, aloof etc etc.

And then they think I'm that way because I seem intellectual. Yes, I may be an intellectual but I use my heart alot in everything I do and say.

Then again, it's mostly those that aren't in my inner circle who are most likely to say that. :)
 

Billy

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Oct 20, 2009
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The few times I have been considered cold per say were usually when I was more then willing to burn a bridge and walk away from something. Usually it was out of knowing what was best IMO for everyone involved, sometimes people feed my negative habits and, incredibly vice versa. But once that decision is made, thats that. I think people find my finality cold when I know its time to move on.
 

Quay

Peaced
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Feb 17, 2010
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271
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6w5
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sp/sx
Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?

Yes. People are surprised when they see a genuine smile from me. I normally do not display emotions and spend a great deal of time watching people, especially in new situations. Just Ni at work until I decide whether or not to Fe up the situation.
 
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