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  1. #1
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    Default Is it common among INFJ's?

    Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?

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    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cfs1992 View Post
    Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?
    For sure, and as a male its sometimes easy to fool people into thinking I am much more rational then I let on. At the core im basically a bundle of insecurities and complexities even i cant fully put together, I do know I feel things deeply though and thats a strange wild card for me because I have always been super self sufficient and a loner, but to need people the way I do, its scary because it opens the door to hurt... so its easy to project an image of like power and coolness even though under the surface things might be bubbling or even boiling over. If I acted on every emotional whim going through my mind people would assume i was batshit insane because the nature of Ni + Fe = serious clingy / neurosis so its like my never ending chore to keep all those negative connection making's under wraps and to not assume the worst case scenario(s).

    It also makes me aloof, which makes people think i am not paying attention but if my mind is in overload processing something i am paying total attention even if i am focusing off into space lol.
    Ground control to Major Tom

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    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Yeah. I have had more than one person believe I was cold because I don't like showing a lot of emotion.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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    Your situation is identical mine! I'm a female, and women are more likely to show feelings, but because of some happenings of my past, when my feelings was so cruelly hurted I started to become like this. But like you said "under the surface things might be bubbling or even boiling over". Exactly like this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Yeah. I have had more than one person believe I was cold because I don't like showing a lot of emotion.


    Sometimes when I show them people become surprised...

    But it's good to show that I am not a rock...

  6. #6
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    I too, have heard this. It just shows me how little the people who have said it actually know me.

    It is not a defense for myself, personally. I don't typically show a lot of emotion because usually a situation is not helped by an overt display of it. Just because I don't show it does not mean I don't feel it.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

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    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    To me, I would not go around with my feelings hanging out all over the place anymore than I would go to the grocery store naked. Nobody wants to see that.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lux View Post
    I don't typically show a lot of emotion because usually a situation is not helped by an overt display of it. Just because I don't show it does not mean I don't feel it.
    Yeah, there's this side too...

    I identified myself with all posts here.

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    Not "cold" per se, but some people have pointed out that I don't share much of what's "going on with me." I've had one friend point out that she doesn't have a clue what my problems are, while I know each and every one of hers.

    I feel like if we somehow let people into our own lives, it feels like a concession, that we're somehow wary of being "known". Maybe we fear being pinned down by what people think of us.

    Maybe the "coldness vibe" is the manifestation of that wariness.
    Yes, I take it with no cream and no sugar.

    And yes, some of us drink it bitter.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Tikka's Avatar
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    I agree completely with every statement above. Usually people tell their life stories to me (which I'm usually very interested in) but I really, really hate to tell much about my private life. I just think theirs are more interesting, whilst I know mine is not boring at all as well. It's just.. hard to explain my quirks to other people.

    Also, especially in stressful or emotional situations, I usually try not to show an overtly amount of emotion, because I don't think the situation is helped by that. But trust me, I feel a lot of emotions inside and my mind is racing with thoughts and feelings.

    When I see someone in need of emotional comfort, I feel his/her pain, and sometimes I'd rather walk away than to put a hand on his/her shoulder, because it would hurt myself too much. It's almost a rational decision to go there and start comforting.

    I like to sit on the sidelines and observe, while my mind is figuring out what is going on, especially in group dynamics or the chemistry between two persons. I think people find me very aloof when I'm doing this. While I know I needn't be, I'm also sensitive of what people think of me.

    I'm quite bad at showing empathy because I'm afraid the levees will break and all my emotions will be poured out uncontrollably. In personal life, especially in relationships, I have had a few times that I cracked and went hot headed uncontrollably. Not pretty, I can tell you that.

    A couple of weeks ago I had a talk with a friend of mine who has a sister suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies. I felt very bad for her and through my questions I invited her to tell more about it. Then she cracked and cried and I started apologising immediately for my questions (while trying to keep my tears in as well) but she actually said she was relieved that someone asked the right questions and that she could open up.

    I still feel bad for making her cry. :confused:

    Hm, should be easier to be an INFJ female than an INFJ male.

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