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  1. #1
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Default Just thinking about feelings.

    Have any of you NFs just gotten tired of all these feelings? Particularly anger. I forbid myself to feel anger. Even when I am overwhelmed by it, I push it back unless I have an extremely legitimized reason, like she hurt my dog or she offended me and I thought she was a good friend. Partially, I know my anger is toward my past and not at the present situation and at the present person. I suppose this is a personal distinction and it is something I have learned in the past year, not to blame the current people in my life for something someone from the past did. But sometimes I wonder if that makes me unrealistic in my portrayal of feelings. Like, I should express this anger instead of rationalizing it away. The lines are blurry for me; I don't know. My friend recently told me that I confuse people. She is either talking about my lack of emotions or my inconsistency with emotions. When I feel hurt, I feel the need to hide it because it gives the other person tremendous power and me a lost of control. Should I be doing that? I guess, the problem is I don't know how to show proportional anger and proportional hurt. It is either extreme or completely withheld within me. There is no middle ground. It is either I don't care; It doesn't matter. or :steam: I hate you. You are Evil.

    What do you think?

  2. #2
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    feelings: continuing annoyance/ my core

    1. i have feelings and i can't get rid of them
    2. i don't want to get rid of them - they are important
    3. how do i deal?
    4. i go to myself and before i act out to others i try to find other ways to let them out
    5. if needed i go to others, but more calmed/ without too many expectations
    6. i realize they pass and take notice how...
    7. i use my feelings to assist me in making good decisions in life
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  3. #3
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    As someone who is from opposite side of the border and pretty far from it I will say something and I will simply be blunt with you.



    What you are doing is possibly the worst option for you and others since this way you come as a chaotic person. In other words I see people as you as a problem which is because I never know with who I am actually dealing with.
    I mean you are a FP which are naturally little bit chaotic plus you are hidding things from us. In other word you make sure that we don't notice the paterns about your behaviour. So we are unable to plan avoiding hurtful situations.



    I as a person I would much rather that you explode right in to my face once a week than play guessing game with you in the case I am your co-worker or something. One of the reasons why this is the case is bacause I would probably have a better understanding of what is going on since I want to know why are you angry at me. Which is not often the case if I get something in my face "6 months too late".


    For some of us emotional conflict is in a way unfamiliar territory. Plus we dislike it since we are forced to have it since if we stay impersonal you will become even more angry at as. What means that I will have to become personal with you in order to make it possible for you steam. However we usually want to know about what was that all about if we are making it personal. Especially since the conflict could have a long term consequences on our relations.




    This post probably wouldn't make you feel much better about yourself however I though you could use an insight about strong Ts.
    I hope it makes some sense to you.

  4. #4
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    If you suppress anger until you have a "legitimate" (which I assume means "big enough") reason to release it, you will be releasing more anger than is warranted by the circumstance.

    Free-flowing communication, even (especially) with the little things (little things add up), is what I have learned is best. Nothing is worse than burying anger. It takes on a life of its own.

  5. #5
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    ^ actually, that doesn't make much sense to me...

    i am willing to talk about my feelings with people, if i think it is necessary... i don't think "blowing up" at people is necessary, but it can happen.

    i think i'm personally getting better at dealing with impersonal critique/ opinions. that is how some people function, so why should i have a problem with their inability/ reluctance to "sugarcoat" what they wish to say?
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  6. #6
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I generally try to suppress all negative feelings until I am alone and can sort them out, usually by thinking, crying, writing, those things. With anger, if it's someone I love and I know that they deep down don't want to hurt me, talking with them and explaining why I was hurt helps. If it's someone I don't love and I know they do have the intention to hurt me, then it's an eternal good bye for them.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    I used to be pretty-in-your-face about things when I was younger- ESPECIALLY when I saw someone get picked on? I'd jump in and bitchslap the hell out of the other person. Now? Noway. Not. At. All. I did a 180- realizing all that anger got me nowhere.
    Yes, I figured that out too. It would just deplete me of energy and calm, but not do anything in the end because anger/yelling isn't constructive and bitchslapping everyone is just not who I want to be known for, haha. I do argue pretty hard for my position if it is very important and esp. if it is with my friends. I like them to know my position.


    What you are doing is possibly the worst option for you and others since this way you come as a chaotic person. In other words I see people as you as a problem which is because I never know with who I am actually dealing with.
    I mean you are a FP which are naturally little bit chaotic plus you are hiding things from us. In other word you make sure that we don't notice the patterns about your behavior. So we are unable to plan avoiding hurtful situations.
    Hmm...this above is very interesting. I do agree with that - yes I do - I suppose that would be extremely confusing for whoever is on the other end for me to hide very prominent emotions because I don't want to lose control - but I do, at some point anyway. I will have to talk to my isfj friend about this. Thanks for the insight.

    I as a person I would much rather that you explode right in to my face once a week than play guessing game with you in the case I am your co-worker or something. One of the reasons why this is the case is because I would probably have a better understanding of what is going on since I want to know why are you angry at me. Which is not often the case if I get something in my face "6 months too late".
    I don't mean I have residual anger. It would be me getting extremely angry within the moment of what you said/did...and then, two days later, I will let you know I am fine and I will therefore convince myself I am fine and move along at top speed.

    What means that I will have to become personal with you in order to make it possible for you steam. However we usually want to know about what was that all about if we are making it personal. Especially since the conflict could have a long term consequences on our relations.
    I see where I went wrong with a intj - haha -

    This post probably wouldn't make you feel much better about yourself however I though you could use an insight about strong Ts.
    I hope it makes some sense to you.
    I wasn't feeling bad about myself, it was a curiosity question. And I find your post insightful and I will see how I can improve at this when I run it through my Fe-friend.

  8. #8
    I drink your milkshake. Thessaly's Avatar
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    I often get sick of my feelings too.

    I think being an NFP can be particularly hard because we can go through all sorts of scenarios in our head over and over again without forming a solid conclusion on how we feel and just keep revisiting possibilities.

    This is something that cannot be changed. It is simply how we function. Our feelings are never permanent and always taking new shape.

    What's the solution then?

    Begin with the premise that feelings don't bother you. You can have them, but keep perspective. Don't suppress them, but act intelligently on them. Engage yourself in dispassionate contemplation. Most importantly fill your mind with worthy thinking. Read an interesting book. Learn about nature.

    The best way to deal with anger specifically is catch yourself when your self-righteous inner dialogue is taking over and fueling the fire, and challenge those thoughts. Think of how you may be wrong and give serious evaluation to those challenges. The earlier the better too. Anger can reach a point where your amygdala hijacks any rationality and there is no hope to deal with it intelligently until you seriously calm down.

    Also, it is particularly hard for one to stay angry when in a good mood. Go have some fun and remove yourself from whatever is upsetting you for a period of time.
    With dreamers, pure and simple, the imagination remains a vaguely sketched inner affair. It is not embodied in any aesthetic or practical invention. Reverie is the equivalent of weak desires. Dreamers are the aboulics of the creative imagination.

  9. #9
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Typically I am very reserved with emotions. I get annoyed more than angry. Very rarely do I ever get hurt.

    If I feel anger I understand it is destructive and will hurt others. If I will any strong emotion towards another I stop and recognize it. I detach and rationally evaluate it. I often will assume that wrongdoing is mine, forgive them and very explicitly quench the anger through forgiveness. I MUST let it go. If I dont let it go through forgivness and rationalization, then it engages a more primitive side of myself into action to address the root cause-the other person-which is often counter productive.

    I very rarely ever engage in bitchslaps (ah, the irony). I grew up watching my mom and sister do bitchslap behavior endlessly and it is so energetically draining that I think I learned the forgive paradigm above as an alternative.

    I will get annoyed with others and bitch a bit, but typically when angry:

    1) I step back and establish distance if I feel a loss of control
    2) I try and rationalize the situation
    3) I will assume full acountability for the problem
    4) I will assume others acted not to be cruel but out of their own internal conflicts, thus forgive them-ie I always assume best intent on the part of others.
    5)I quench the anger and dismiss it through total forgiveness.

    Sometimes this results in distance from others for awhile but often the complete forgiveness makes it okay to be around them again very soon or even within seconds even.

    Every so often I will speak out. It is like I internally process everything inside of me-and the rules all just say "speak up. address this issue. do not let this proceed unaddressed. If you do so, then more harm will come from this event" Typically this is if I see others being hurt, or I recognize that not addressing this issue long term, will lead to suffering of multiple people.

    I think this may be the typical enfp martyr behavior though.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    1) I step back and establish distance if I feel a loss of control
    2) I try and rationalize the situation
    3) I will assume full acountability for the problem
    4) I will assume others acted not to be cruel but out of their own internal conflicts, thus forgive them-ie I always assume best intent on the part of others.
    5)I quench the anger and dismiss it through total forgiveness.
    That's what I mean, that's exactly what I do. Well, I don't forgive as much as I just let it go. But, is that healthy? To always rationalize feelings away? It could be because I am around Fe-types a lot and they just pour out emotions and I am just so reserved. Are they doing it right or am I doing it right or are the strong T types doing it right?

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