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  1. #21
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    i can relate, as well. i have improved with age, though. i used to feel really awkward about touching. it's like when the moment was coming that i was about to leave, or arrived to see a friend and then there was the hug... i used to have these avoiding tactics, like i just started talking a lot and you know... just to avoid the hug... the same thing with my family.

    i began to feel better about hugging/ touching later in life. that's not to say i don't still probably at times come off as aloof and distant and i still sometimes use those avoiding tactics. at times it almost feels like the stronger the feeling (on both sides?) the more i try to avoid physical contact... i suppose it confused my Fi, or something?

    i was so surprised and relieved that with my ISFP ex it came so naturally... and the thing is that it wouldn't have, if he hadn't been so incredibly right on and comfortable with it. he was totally at ease with my awkwardness and probably saw through my attepts to try to cover it all up with smiling and talking some rubbish... x)

    also, it really takes time for me to open up emotionally... and getting comfortable and trusting someone. i am just... careful that i am not going to get in their way, or hurt them, or getting confused, or getting fooled...

    and still i often feel like i fail at relationships.
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  2. #22
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    I don't have a hesitation about showing affection to those I'm close to. I come from a very huggy/kissy family so that's how I was raised and it doesn't bother me. I was always hesitant though to be the first to show physical affection in a new relationship. Would be very very nervous about that first kiss, or first time to hold hands, then after that I'd be okay and very affectionate. :-)

  3. #23
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Hmmmm...I come across as cold and awkard, and extremely standoffish (and extremely proud) which equals intimadating. It kinda cuts me up inside some times, as I'm anything but...some people figure it out. Most don't.
    As for touching, I absolutely hate it, unless I trust the person...however I have moments where that's all I desire...to be touched. It's so meaniless to so many people though...but I have moments of vunerability.
    The akwardness of expressing affection is some thing I struggle with. When I finally say my feelings to people, it often comes out as effusive, and a bit sticky sweet, and people dismiss it or think it's not genuine. Especially as my default mode is rather sarky, and sardonic. Nobody expects gushing from a cold arsed b-yatch, even if they suspected she was actually kinda sweet and gentle hearted underneath it all. I just find people find it too intense, too much, so I hold back. Some times I'm like pressure cooker ready to explode.
    Unfortuantly for me, I don't think it's gotten better with age, I just get more and more out of step with the rest of the human race.
    I'm just a lonely hermit who wishes other people loved her as much as she loved them.
    Doggies and Kitties are lovely....they don't care if you lavish them with affection. Baybees too (I have to admitt, not particularly willingly, only one friend and her child can attest to the strength of my nurturing spirit, as usually I'd rather die than admitt it.)
    So, Yeah I do identify with the OP. I hope you have an easier path than I though. I've lost many a relationship because I've never got the balance right.
    Maybe it's the intensity thing...
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #24
    :) INFtha14's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueStone View Post
    I don't have a hesitation about showing affection to those I'm close to. I come from a very huggy/kissy family so that's how I was raised and it doesn't bother me. I was always hesitant though to be the first to show physical affection in a new relationship. Would be very very nervous about that first kiss, or first time to hold hands, then after that I'd be okay and very affectionate. :-)
    I don't either I suppose for people close to me .
    My family wasn't to huggy though we did but not all the time only under certain times. Like I never really saw much physical affection between my Parents though I knew they loved each other.

    It's quite weird but i'm terribly clueless when it comes to physical affection when in a romantic relationships like i could do without it you know? But I crave it too, I do love physical touch especially massage.

    I'm not really aware of the clues that are given by anyone to kiss or cuddle you know? I actually am scared of such display of affection cause it's so foreign to me. It's more i'm just not normally affectionate or even used to kissing, cuddling, being close to someone heh.

    I feel it would take me forever to feel comfortable in giving and receiving affection as well with someone new in general. Longer then what I hear about what is supposedly standard like people kissing on a first date. I would not want that as i need to get to know the person themselves first and see how i feel about where it's heading and if I like it. Guess i'm not that verbal either as I need to work on communication.

    I also notice I don't like affection pushed on me too soon when I'm still evaluating internally how everything is progressing, if it progresses too fast without adequet reflection time, but I must not be quite aware of how to communicate this feeling of being overwhelmed as it's internal *is this a Fi thing?*. That's what i'm getting from experiences of previous relationships at least heh. I go into relationships with the intent of improving on this but I have seemed to get no where .

    Quote Originally Posted by FireyPheonix View Post
    Hmmmm...I come across as cold and awkard, and extremely standoffish (and extremely proud) which equals intimadating. It kinda cuts me up inside some times, as I'm anything but...some people figure it out. Most don't.
    As for touching, I absolutely hate it, unless I trust the person...however I have moments where that's all I desire...to be touched. It's so meaniless to so many people though...but I have moments of vunerability.
    The akwardness of expressing affection is some thing I struggle with. When I finally say my feelings to people, it often comes out as effusive, and a bit sticky sweet, and people dismiss it or think it's not genuine. Especially as my default mode is rather sarky, and sardonic. Nobody expects gushing from a cold arsed b-yatch, even if they suspected she was actually kinda sweet and gentle hearted underneath it all. I just find people find it too intense, too much, so I hold back. Some times I'm like pressure cooker ready to explode.
    Unfortuantly for me, I don't think it's gotten better with age, I just get more and more out of step with the rest of the human race.
    I'm just a lonely hermit who wishes other people loved her as much as she loved them.
    Doggies and Kitties are lovely....they don't care if you lavish them with affection. Baybees too (I have to admitt, not particularly willingly, only one friend and her child can attest to the strength of my nurturing spirit, as usually I'd rather die than admitt it.)
    So, Yeah I do identify with the OP. I hope you have an easier path than I though. I've lost many a relationship because I've never got the balance right.
    Maybe it's the intensity thing...
    Interesting I don't know if this has any merit, probably an Introvert/extrovert thing? Well one of my best friends is an ESFJ and she has no problem dancing with someone who she's not particularly close to as in she figures he probably has no one to dance with and it's a nice thing to do are her reasons . Very caring person which I admire i just would feel uncomfortable unless i felt something toward them to dance with them.

    I'd feel terribly uncomfortable dancing with someone I don't know or even casually.

    On being out of step, I definitely relate to that too well FP. I find i have to hold back on when i feel a genuine love in my heart for people I've met. Even with friends at times as I can imagine it not appearing genuine. I wonder if that's cause they are so used to seeing people being non genuine so their more doubtful of the real thing?

    I love animals and babies. Everytime i see a baby, I have to pick it up, say "hey there little one" etc. Same with cats, I just love to pet them and if I can hold them. Actually I was at a teachers house I knew a few years ago and she had a cat smokey with this beautiful blue-gray fur. Well I was sitting at her table beginning some studying and Smokey all of sudden props his paws up onto my chair nudging it's head against my hand. So of course I nicely reached my hand out and pet the top of it's head which the cat allowed.

    Also let me pet his back and head again a few more time as he kept coming up to my chair to get me to pet him. It shocked me to hear from my teacher that "Smokey" doesn't usually open up to easily to new people heck, Smokey has been known to hiss and scratch at anyone new who would try to pet him. So I figured the cat sensed my open and accepting/nurturing nature thus knowing he could trust me from the bat. It took me by surprise I just have that magic touch with animals/babies/kids.

    Another funny animal story xD. I looked out my window one time and there's this squirrel studying me intensely from the tree. Slowly it literally creeps closer... and closer to my window. Next thing I know i'm saying to it... " hey there little guy. I don't bite, i'm very friendly in case your wondering". Finally the squirrel ends up standing up on it's hind legs merely 6 inches from my window as if wanting some food.

    I said to the squirrel " Stay right there okay? I'm not leaving you, I'm going to try to find some nuts for you." Came back he was still there standing on his hind legs. I felt horrible cause I found out there was no nuts. I tried to see if there would be anything else a squirrel would be able to digest if my mother would know but to no avail.

    Point simply being apparantly animals and babies alike sense that nature I have as well so I can see what you mean FP. I don't think people know how fluffy I can be with animals and babehs. Even something as little as a worm, somehow there was a baby worm near my window so I gently picked it up with paper and carried it outside to be free. I was talking to it all sweet xD " come here little guy, I got ya don't worry. It's okay, your safe with me". I couldn't imagine hurting any animal no matter how small.

    My nurturing nature was brought especially when my one cat was dieing in front of me. My usual calm expression went away and the nurturing mama bear came into the forefront heh. I was speaking gently to her letting her know I was here while petting her so gently so she would know she's not alone. She died with barely a minute to go as we were practically at the vet, somehow I think she wanted to die amongst her loved ones not in a cold vet office.

    I love how cats and dogs/babies don't shun from affection that's what's amazing about them .

    I feel i've had my own fair share too of failed relationships cause of this nature of mine so I can definitely relate with you there Firey. It's a constant struggle, how does one integrate that to people haha.

    Just thought to add to these posts. I'm going to respond to Yvonne's too.
    What is Feeling?
    Feeling is primarily a process.....that imparts to the content a definite value in the sense of acceptance or rejection. In the same way that thinking organizes the contents of consciousness under concepts, feeling arranges them according to their value. Feeling, like thinking, is a rational function, since values in general are assigned according to the laws of reason...
    (Carl Jung, Psychological Types, Chapter XI - Definitions)

  5. #25
    :) INFtha14's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    i can relate, as well. i have improved with age, though. i used to feel really awkward about touching. it's like when the moment was coming that i was about to leave, or arrived to see a friend and then there was the hug... i used to have these avoiding tactics, like i just started talking a lot and you know... just to avoid the hug... the same thing with my family.

    i began to feel better about hugging/ touching later in life. that's not to say i don't still probably at times come off as aloof and distant and i still sometimes use those avoiding tactics. at times it almost feels like the stronger the feeling (on both sides?) the more i try to avoid physical contact... i suppose it confused my Fi, or something?

    i was so surprised and relieved that with my ISFP ex it came so naturally... and the thing is that it wouldn't have, if he hadn't been so incredibly right on and comfortable with it. he was totally at ease with my awkwardness and probably saw through my attepts to try to cover it all up with smiling and talking some rubbish... x)

    also, it really takes time for me to open up emotionally... and getting comfortable and trusting someone. i am just... careful that i am not going to get in their way, or hurt them, or getting confused, or getting fooled...

    and still i often feel like i fail at relationships.
    That's interesting you bring up avoiding tactics Yvonne. I either do avoiding tactics or if I know i'll have to face it. I try to gather information/research to find out about physical affection in relationships/ what's expected or how others who also struggle with affection learn how to just go with the flow as that is a learning experience even if you don't succeed completely at least an attempt was made.

    Pretty much I base my research on finding what others say about giving affection, what's expected in physical contact. Is it normal to feel nervous about expressing physical/verbal affection. I also go over internally in the moment how should I respond to this specific statement that was said to me especially if I perceive there might be some specific expectation if it has romantic interaction or with that potential to develop.

    I'll stew over it like mad but the whole time i'm struggling with an internal evaluation of how I feel about the statement but cause I know there is social expectation I feel like it binds me as I don't have that articulate approach with such things. Hence my dilemma.

    Right on Yvonne, it takes on my end a real long time to open up emotionally. I feel some may think that as rejection or not trusting them. well really it's me having to evaluate whoever is going to be getting to see the side of myself i don't just open up to anyone with. I have to be able to feel comfortable to thing I can express any emotional part of myself.

    Sometimes I think I'll never meet a guy who'd be willing to wait for me to feel ready to express myself emotionally as it does not come over night and does not adhere to social expectations or deadlines. It comes in it's own time when i'm ready and feel that I can indulge. I suppose that's part of the problem and sometimes I feel i can't explain it in words if i feel it won't be understood. I also notice that from my own personal experiences I have built a wall around myself and that emotional expression/opening up stage.

    .
    What is Feeling?
    Feeling is primarily a process.....that imparts to the content a definite value in the sense of acceptance or rejection. In the same way that thinking organizes the contents of consciousness under concepts, feeling arranges them according to their value. Feeling, like thinking, is a rational function, since values in general are assigned according to the laws of reason...
    (Carl Jung, Psychological Types, Chapter XI - Definitions)

  6. #26
    Senior Member niki's Avatar
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    yes, I also often get accused of "lack warmth" person by my parents,
    while it's really the opposite...
    and strangely, it's often the strangers and other people who've noticed I'm "different" in that I'm a very warm, kind, caring person,.when they know & talk with me on one-on-one basis.

    it's true,
    I often seem to have soo much difficulty in showing my affection & warmness in a physical form.. and also, it could even be much harder when I feel that the person on the receiving end might possibly ridicule or disregard my 'warm' affection,..which makes me feel even more discouraged to show the affection!
    this is what, sadly, happened in my current relationship between me and my dad.
    I often want to tell (& show!) how much I love him, and trying to do my BEST (in my own ways too, not in his ways 100%!) to make him proud,..but often, words & actions often just failed through, because I was so afraid that he'll just be cold & indifferent (my dad is a very logical, hard-thinker person, a very opposite of me) to all of it! so often, I just didn't bother trying.. 'though my heart always yearn to show it to him.

  7. #27
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    I can relate to this stuff too. I'm pretty awkward when it comes to affection. People haven't accused me of being cold but I do think most believe me to be not particularly emotionally accessible.

    For my part, this is because I struggle to just 'be'. I live so self-consciously that there is so little that I say or do without stepping back and deconstructing everything. I have trouble just being in the moment and simply letting my feelings take me wherever they lead. And all this makes me feel very uneasy in expressing myself emotionally - its like having another person (my brain) hanging around, talking away when you're trying to express intimacy to someone. At the same time (like OA said) I also feel very disinclined to say or do anything that feels forced or contrived and won't take action without my feelings compelling me to do so. I really wish I could switch my brain off at times and shut up that incessant internal monologue - then maybe I could just feel rather than overthink everything.

    On the other hand it might also have something to do with the fact that I have spent my entire adult life trying to shield myself emotionally from people. I guess its typical for INFPs to try to prevent pain suffered due to their emotional sensitivity by concealling their feelings from others. It wouldn't be a big leap to say that perhaps in doing so, this somehow closes you off from others in unexpected ways and can make affection difficult.

  8. #28
    Senior Member paradox fox's Avatar
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    The only thing I could think of when reading this thread is this:
    This world is so starved of affection.
    Just because I'm an INFP doesn't mean I'm emo!

  9. #29
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    I don't have a problem with showing affection, but I refrain from doing it sometimes when I want to because I don't know how it will be received.

    Quote Originally Posted by paradox fox View Post
    The only thing I could think of when reading this thread is this:
    This world is so starved of affection.

  10. #30
    :) INFtha14's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paradox fox View Post
    The only thing I could think of when reading this thread is this:
    This world is so starved of affection.
    Awww .
    What is Feeling?
    Feeling is primarily a process.....that imparts to the content a definite value in the sense of acceptance or rejection. In the same way that thinking organizes the contents of consciousness under concepts, feeling arranges them according to their value. Feeling, like thinking, is a rational function, since values in general are assigned according to the laws of reason...
    (Carl Jung, Psychological Types, Chapter XI - Definitions)

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