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  1. #1
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Default Unhealthy INFJ + ENFJ Team Dynamic?

    I'm so frustrated. On the verge of desperation today for advice. (but I also had <2 hrs sleep for finals last night) Generally I just view situations from the perspective an external problem solver but this is becoming more.

    I don't have time to post the entire story but will update with scenario tonight.

    In short, what do you know about the team dynamic of an unhealthy insecure INFJ + ENFJ?

    I have been going to class with this woman every day for the past 8 months, and noticed we have a ton of things in common and potential for friendship. So have been trying to be-friend her, but of course it's very hard for her to open up. She's been through some abuse and is bipolar, but a darling and intelligent.

    Recently seems like no matter what I say she takes it the wrong way. I don't know if I intimidate her, but she's accomplished all kinds of things I admire too and I've told her so. I have no clue what to do with her, as generally I connect or at least understand where most people are coming from if I take the effort to.

    My friends would probably type me as a healthy ENFJ (although there's always room for growth and learning), but I'm wondering if our inner negative traits are echoing off each other and creating massive misunderstandings? I would just ignore the situation but we are on a team together this semester and anytime I say (or don't say!) anything it just seems to get worse that apparently I "cop an attitude" when I'm thinking, and today she said I'm "the most condescending and judgmental person ever met". !!

    So sad! Not at all what my other friends have ever said, so I just don't get it... I'm just trying to be her friend. I've figured out recently she just needs her space but even then if I don't make an effort to be her friend everything I say is viewed as an insult. Even apologies!

    Third friend in group is ISFP who said I think too much. Both INFJ and I are very detail oriented...
    3w2


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    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

  2. #2
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Don't apologize, but show your sincerity in trying to befriend her?
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

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    I don't know too much about unhealthy INFJ's but from the description you gave it sounds like she is the main problem. When the INFJ in my life goes through periods of depression or over all 'unhealthiness' she just becomes reserved and reads emotions and intents into situations that just aren't there. So you definitely aren't "the most condescending and judgmental person ever met", she's just a turd (Weird thing to say but it fits her ) You've gone out of the way to be nice to her and some dynamic inside her can't get that.

  4. #4
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brendan View Post
    Don't apologize, but show your sincerity in trying to befriend her?
    Right... That's what I've been trying to do for the last four months particularly working together. It's perplexing because out of the people I meet I see a rare depth and complexity in her where I think we could connect as friends. But whatever I say somehow comes across as nearly the exact opposite of what I meant! At this point I've given up on friends per say, but just being able to function together as a group for our term project would be nice! :/



    Thank you for the reassuring words... Stress at work today and school combined with virtually no sleep and words that bite. ugh. So thank you, I needed that today.
    3w2


    Those who are content being normal lack the depth and passion to rise above mediocracy.
    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

  5. #5
    Guerilla Urbanist Brendan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    Right... That's what I've been trying to do for the last four months particularly working together. It's perplexing because out of the people I meet I see a rare depth and complexity in her where I think we could connect as friends. But whatever I say somehow comes across as nearly the exact opposite of what I meant! At this point I've given up on friends per say, but just being able to function together as a group for our term project would be nice! :/



    Thank you for the reassuring words... Stress at work today and school combined with virtually no sleep and words that bite. ugh. So thank you, I needed that today.
    Never give up!

    Tell her you want to be friends.
    There is no such thing as separation from God.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brendan View Post
    Never give up!

    Tell her you want to be friends.
    Oh and this

  7. #7
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    I guess my question is more... How can I change my communication style so she at least doesn't think everything I'm saying is directed at cutting her down?
    (And yes, I'm naturally a nice understanding person, have been told a good listener and such. But I don't understand this one, need advice beyond what I typically think of. :-/)

    Are there particular things that are most important or naturally difficult to INFJs within a school group setting that I should make sure to not say things offensive about etc?

    I've told her I admire her, I think we could be friends, etc... And when she thought I was trying to confront her two weeks ago, I said "Bottom line, I'm not upset with you, never was.. never had 'a bone to pick' so to speak or I would have come to talk to you of course. So no worries. You're my friend ____, and that's all that matters me in the long run."
    3w2


    Those who are content being normal lack the depth and passion to rise above mediocracy.
    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    You can't. Her insecurities are getting triggered by *everthing* you say becoz she's hearing the things she's most afraid are potentially true about her.

    Whenever you see her flinch though, smile, and reassure her that you did mean it as a compliment or it was definitely not meant the way she understood it. Don't tell her '*You* are misundesrtanding!', tell her, I think I should've worded that differently, with a smile and reassure her that you think she's great. Even if she still takes it wrongly, don't take it badly. Smile, and change the subject. Let her mull it over in her head, and let it go.

    Keep in mind you'll be doing this for a looooooonnngg asss time, before she'll let her guard down adn actually believe you. She won't understand why you think she's great, as she herself probably doesn't like herself, but she'll believe you...at some point
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    I guess my question is more... How can I change my communication style so she at least doesn't think everything I'm saying is directed at cutting her down?
    (And yes, I'm naturally a nice understanding person, have been told a good listener and such. But I don't understand this one, need advice beyond what I typically think of. :-/)

    Are there particular things that are most important or naturally difficult to INFJs within a school group setting that I should make sure to not say things offensive about etc?

    I've told her I admire her, I think we could be friends, etc... And when she thought I was trying to confront her two weeks ago, I said "Bottom line, I'm not upset with you, never was.. never had 'a bone to pick' so to speak or I would have come to talk to you of course. So no worries. You're my friend ____, and that's all that matters me in the long run."
    If you've done your best to be sweet and open, and you've come out and told her you want to be friends and she's still becoming offended then there really isn't much you can do. Maybe try asking her what you could do to make things more comfortable for her.

  10. #10
    Obsession. Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    I'm wondering if our inner negative traits are echoing off each other and creating massive misunderstandings?
    I hear you. Once I was completing a project with an ENTJ & ISTJ, and because we all shared the same negative traits, we just couldn't help going down that downward spiral! It was so bad that we spent more time arguing than accomplishing anything else.



    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    So sad! Not at all what my other friends have ever said, so I just don't get it... I'm just trying to be her friend. I've figured out recently she just needs her space but even then if I don't make an effort to be her friend everything I say is viewed as an insult. Even apologies!
    Been there, done that. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out a more effective way around having to be friends with the said FJ person, but I think there's a loophole -- you HAVE to communicate your respect for her (as a person; as member of the group) clearly as possible until she fully acknowledges it.

    For FJs, it's incredibly important to have a good bond, so the information can be transferred in the manner you want it to. If they don't trust me, no matter what I say, everything can be an insult.

    So, I'd recommend getting started on building that trust fund. I often do what Dahlila says, "Try asking her what you could do to make things more comfortable for her" -- that usually opens the lines of communication, or assist her on major problem areas. FJs (especially IFJs) can be very slow at accepting new people into their sphere of friends, so don't loose hope if she continuously rejects you. You'll know when you have managed to earn her trust, as soon as she thinks everything you say is a compliment! A little ironic, but no matter how callous/blunt I am, they're not affected by it because they know I truly respect them.
    "I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan

    Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
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