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  1. #1
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Default In Love/Lust?? with an ENFP

    Hi everyone,
    I am new to this forum, and this is my first post. I want to tell everyone a story about a girl. A girl for whom I have never felt anything like what I'm feeling, and I wish she would be plain with me, but I have a feeling that she may not even know what being plain is, and maybe I don't either for that matter.

    ***If you are not in the mood to read a long post, give up now***

    I met this girl, Lisa, through a friend/acquaintance who was going out with her at the time, when he brought her over to our house for a party my roommates and I were having. Though she came with him to our party, she spent about 5 mins with him, and the rest of the time talking to my roommate and I, and I should add that she also helped us do the dishes that night. From the very beginning, I was suspect of her extreme friendliness. Though, not in a negative way, I just got the impression that this girl was so outwardly friendly, and so easy to talk to, that there must be a great deal more to her then met the eye. That impression didn't linger in my mind too long however, because I didn't really think that I would see much of her after that night.

    Her boyfriend was becoming much closer friends with my roommate, to the point that my roommate Nick consequently became closer friends with Lisa also. Lisa's boyfriend, found a job in another city across the country, and what ensued was a long term relationship between the two of them. Lisa, however, now being close to Nick, was beginning to spend some time with him, and as a result would come over our house every now and again. Needless to say, her amazing personality eventually won us all over, and she slowly but surely, became a regular fixture at our place. We would cook and eat together, watch movies, talk, sing, etc.. She was over so often, she would start to say things like " I feel more at home here, than I do at my place with my roommates."

    The time came for her to help her boyfriend finalize his move to that city across the country, and she went with him on a road trip, which we were all imagining would be the perfect opportunity for him to ask her to marry him. Nick was especially frustrated by this, because he, more than any of us was becoming secretly attached to her. She got back from the trip, informing Nick that they had broken up. It had now become Nick's mission to win Lisa over, and what this meant for us was that, we now saw Lisa practically everyday of the week. I was always hesitant to get too close to Lisa, even though I really liked her, I would not or could not engage in any prolonged conversation with her, nor did I facebook friend her, nor would I pay any special attention to her. Rather, I found myself enjoying our group activities and subconsciously would find myself never really addressing her directly. I think this was the case because I strongly believed that she and Nick would eventually become a couple.

    One fateful night she got on the computer and decided to have us all try to figure out our personality type. This intrigued me but also raised some alarms in me. First, I thought, if she was the type to be curious about people's personalities, then this must have meant that she was somewhat of a social architect or engineer. In other words, I began to realize that there was a method to her playfulness, and her friendliness. I was and am thoroughly convinced of her good will though, so it didn't really mean that I was suspicious of her intentions, I was just finally starting to see an avenue open up for my first impression of her. I was beginning to be intrigued by the potential of depth within her. It turned out that I was an INFP, and she was an ENFP, and Nick, I believe was a I/ESTJ. Our other roommate Theo was an Artisan of some kind. I took this info with a grain of salt, as it didn't really concern me at the time to know all about my type, but the information did stick with me.

    As time passed, Nick felt he was ready to discuss the nature of he and Lisa's relationship. Lisa stated that she was not fully over her boyfriend and therefore wanted to keep their status as "friends". Nick was not deterred by this and moved forward with renewed vigor with the hope that he would and could win her over with his lucid displays of love for her. Nick, a very loving, positive person, planned so many things for them to do, and kept the friendship so entertaining that we all believed that she indeed was growing to appreciate him at a deeper level. Which perhaps she was, but as we were to find out later, that level never reached the state that Nick was hoping it would, a commitment. Lisa, eventually confessed to Nick that they "just weren't on the same page".

    Before this happened however, two things occurred which caused me to change my disposition towards Lisa, from aloof to consciously interested in her. One night during the holiday season, Lisa, Nick, Theo, and I, along with another very sweet & pretty young girl visiting from another city decided to go out and buy a Christmas tree and decorations. I was being my normal shy and rather quiet self, but did manage to have some small and pleasant conversations with the pretty new girl, which were scratching the surface of depth. We got into talking about culture, life etc.. Lisa, never having really made an effort to discuss topics like this before was all the sudden agreeing with me, and in general being very amiable during these conversations. I made a slight note of that in my mind, but didn't know what to make of it. After purchasing the tree, we went to buy decorations from a store, and while looking, Lisa drifted into the next isle alone, to which I immediately followed her instinctively, without thinking, and said "Where are you going Lisa, we need your help choosing!". Her response to this action jolted me so thoroughly, I am still feeling the effects of it. Once I said this to her, she, without saying a word followed me over to the other isle, standing very close to me, exuding a energy I could literally feel warming my heart. The feeling was so intense, I believe I fell in love with her from that moment onward. The feeling was so amazing and powerful, it confused me and left me unable to respond to it. I was so convinced that she and Nick were going to be together, and now here she was directing this overwhelming attention to me, all without saying a word. I felt both guilty towards Nick and loved by her at the same time. Somehow I was able to put that episode in the back of my mind and not concentrate on it again for the rest of the night.

    The next instance happened when Lisa, Nick and I volunteered for a dinner fundraiser thing, and at the end of the night when cleaning, Lisa presented herself before me, exuding again a radiant energy without saying a word. Now I realize this sounds a bit mystical, but I know with all my heart that I felt this energy, and it made me feel wonderful and loved.

    These two instances placed the burdensome thought in my head, that Lisa was into me. I decided that I would let this thought pass right through my head, but made the mistake of confiding in my very good friend, that I began to think about her, that I had begun to like her. Once I materialized this thought, there was no going back, and slowly but surely I started making tiny steps towards showing her my interest.

    It all began with an email that I sent her after having not seen her for a week, to which I ended it with a casual, "I miss you". Then I began to text her, inviting her over personally and making plans to do things with her and the rest of us. Nick, now having to acknowledge that they were to remain friends was growing a bit uneasy by all this, so I had to eventually confess to him, that I liked her. He was not surprised, nor was he pleased. We talked about it but did not find any resolve. He loves her, and is having a difficult time accepting their status as solely friends, and her sticking around us was only making things more difficult. I completely understood and understand.

    More pressing matters were weighing down my heart however, and I quickly reached the point where I felt I had to be plain about my feelings for her. Not having the opportunity or the courage to speak to her about face to face, I wrote her a long email jumbled with my feelings, essentially asking her what she really thought of me. I, being somewhat of a fifth wheel during most of our friendship, was a bit confused by the instances in which she acknowledged me with her non-verbal displays, which left me enamored.

    I somewhat expected her to say what she said in her response, which was something to the effect of, "I cherish you as a unique individual in my life, but see you as a friend"...with the special clause however, that "no one can say whether the nature of friendship will always remain the same", to which I, as a feeling person, am compelled to want to believe because I know how we feelers aren't necessarily the most reliable types when it comes to consistency of emotion. Yet, having been hurt so many times before due to my excessive naivete, cannot find the trust and strength I would need to continue working towards loving this beautiful, clever, and emotionally closed off woman.

    The last few times we have hung out together (in a group), I have found her to be kind but reserved. I cannot continue to try if it will stay at this level, but then again, when certain opportunities have arisen for us to spend some time alone, I found myself completely unable to open up to her as well. I am afraid of her using her cleverness to escape the uncomfortable situation, my asking her to explain herself, will cause. I will perceive this and become instantly hurt by it. I know I will, and will probably not be able to be around her anymore, not without some form of resentment. So I keep things safe, writing her such things like, "I know that I cannot grow attached to you because of your kindness, but need to constantly examine my intentions towards you so that I can be sure that no undue attachment develops".

    If you have made it this far, than I need to ask your advice, you other NFP's out there. Please tell me, what do you think? I have been reading the ENFP, INFP personality traits for a few months now thinking to myself how amazing of a connection Lisa and I could have. But this is only serves to make things more painful because whenever I see her in person, that connection seems impossible to achieve. Sometimes I get the impression that she has pulled my card, and is in the process of letting me down easy. In other words, she is playing along with my futile attempt to develop some form of relationship with her, but she knows that I will eventually lose hope and will fizzle away. Which leads me to another thought, is my love for her real? I find myself gazing into her eyes, and being moved physically, I always imagine kissing her cheek, and working my way towards her lips. When it comes to knowing whether or not we are compatible beyond my attraction to her personality and her appearance, I do believe that we could be if we were ever able to open up to each other, but there are so many obstacles between where we are now towards that blessed state.

    Can anyone offer some insight, I'd appreciate it.

  2. #2
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Yikes, yikes, this seems like the plotline for a tragic emo movie aimed at teens and those in their early 20s.

    I really feel for you, I can tell you really like her and you tried so hard to behave 'nobly' when you thought your friend was making moves on her.

    I think this kind of situation is sadly too common with NFs...basically - why in the world are you and your roommate Nick still hanging out with her???

    That is SO WEIRD!

    Stop that!

    I'm serious.

    It can only lead to no good.

    I think your friend Nick is a bigger...okay, I won't say "fool" for that is harsh, but really, yeah, that's what he'll be saying down the road when he looks back at this.

    As for the clause she left...oh, I'm sure she didn't mean any harm but mang, how crafty and evil if she *were* doing it on purpose. Because with that one clause, she really gave you the nail with which to keep that door open in your heart indefinitely. I'm not sure why she told you that other than she is also young.

    Did you never follow up with her about that clause?

    Getting hooked on an XNFP is a bad idea unless you have a black belt in relationship communication and are strong enough to walk away and lay down the law.

    Frankly, it sounds from your OP that both you and your friend Nick are way over your head. So is she.

    Again, I don't understand how in the world you can all be hanging out like nothing's changed. It must be awkward and painful to the third power.

    If I were you EHS, I would tell Lisa that you need time away from her until you can heal from this and get over her. And I would tell Nick this and tell him that you would appreciate it if he could stop asking her over to the house - that you have no problem with them hanging out, just to keep it out of your periphery. If he gives you grief, remind him that when he was courting her you respectfully stayed out of the way and it was only after Lisa already rejected him that you simply could not hold back on your growing attraction and it wasn't intentional.

    If either of them give you grief after that, move out. I'm not kidding.

    Learn from this experience and next time, be more proactive, act sooner, be clearer. Take the plunge and tell someone you are interested in them before you are firmly both in the friend zone and have your feelings involved.

    The whole "I like you as a friend but maybe in the future that will change" - as an INFP, never, EVER, ever accept this. Assume ^^ statement is BS and means "I want to string you along and have you shower attention on me so I can feel better about myself and not have to apologize when years later, you are still in love with me and I'm happily married with triplets". An exaggeration, but keep it in your mind as motivation.

    INFPs get your asses kicked ALL THE TIME in love and relationships because you are just waaaaaaay too nice and give people too much leeway and not enough consequences. And XNFP + XNFP in this case is just an emo disaster waiting to happen.

    I feel really feel for you, fellow XNFP, I really do.

    Walk away while the choice is still yours. Don't wait until things fall apart on you and you're left with shambles.

    And keep us informed.

    BTW...welcome to the forum I hope you stick around here way after this situation is resolved.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  3. #3
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Wow..that a long post.

    I agreed with CzeCze though. You need to get out of that situation. Shes just "keeping her options open" which is not something you want.

    Surely she did not use that clause to be manipulative...but if she did shes a woman you probably want to avoid. I just broke my arm, or I would type more. >.<

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    INFPs get your asses kicked ALL THE TIME in love and relationships because you are just waaaaaaay too nice and give people too much leeway and not enough consequences.
    I disagree with that uber generalization. We are capable of learning after being kicked the first time, just like every other type.

    Dear EnflamedHeartofSand,

    I think you sound infatuated. Infatuation is a problem for NFs. I agree that you need to distant yourself and be very careful. The worse thing you can do is keep prolonging this, waiting for rejection.

    "no one can say whether the nature of friendship will always remain the same"
    The only thing you can do is move on since she is not willing to make a decision about you.

    I really hate waiting for stuff like this, it eats away at me. I like things to be determined and then, use all my efforts to move away from it and be done.

  5. #5
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    I have been reading the ENFP, INFP personality traits for a few months now thinking to myself how amazing of a connection Lisa and I could have. But this is only serves to make things more painful because whenever I see her in person, that connection seems impossible to achieve.
    You are hoping for a relationship based on what you *think* you could have vs. what you actually have. If you look at things aside from ENFP/INFP what do you actually have? I think you are caught in the NF "what if" thing.

  6. #6
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Thanks for the input, I agree with all of you that this is not an ideal situation, and is perhaps detrimental at worst, and ambiguous at best.

    Due to lack of time and energy, I wasn't able to paint a complete picture of the relationship or the situation, which now is causing me to regret having posted anything at all.

    Aurel, I think your right, I need to assess what we really have together, and I have been doing that, but I am caught in a perpetual state of wanting to see her but not being able to be in the kind of disposition that would make me comfortable around her. She has expressed interest in keeping our friendship alive, so in a sense the ball is in my court to befriend her, but everytime I want to pursue, it begins to feel like I am forcing things, and this isn't working for me.

    I need to have faith and let things happen naturally, even if that means we will eventually grow apart. The creeping thought in the back of my mind which bothers me though, is that if I actually did try and pursue her in the right way, then she would be open to what I would offer. I guess, at the heart of the issue, I am mainly angry with myself for not having the ability to be more bold and sure about what I like about her.

    I rely on certain occasions in the past in which she has expressed interest in me to give me the courage to approach her now, which is basically telling me, that I would only pursue her if I was 100% completely sure that she liked me. Which means, I am worried more about the state of my own feelings than I am of becoming her friend. I hate that so much about myself and I wish I could change that.

    When I initially wrote the post, I think I was looking for someone to explain what those non-verbal episodes meant, looking back on it now though, I realize that those instances aren't pivotal to what she may or may not feel about me.

    To all of you who are worried about my ass getting kicked, I accept your concern but I need to reiterate one thing--- I am thoroughly convinced of her good intentions--and even if those good intentions will eventually cause me a lot of pain, trust me, it does me more harm to believe that she has any ill will rather than believe with all my heart that she is trying to make sense of things and that she is doing the best she can with what she has. I know the latter to be true, and nothing will ever convince me of the former.

    I was so stifled by this situation last night that I needed to talk to someone about it, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to release these deeply personal feelings to a bunch of strangers. Nevertheless I did so, and please forgive me for having roused your concerns without committing to trusting your opinions. I do appreciate this forum though, and have learned a lot from it. I will be a bit more realistic about my expectations next time.

  7. #7
    Junior Member skittlesloli's Avatar
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    I kinda feel where this girl is coming from, and you're right, its very unlikely that shes meaning any harm by any of this.
    I've had this kind of situation before with guy friends, but they either never told me, which really kinda sucks, or they did and I was able to be honest with them without harming the friendship.

    Personally, I feel connected to both ENFP and INFP, I may be talkative and friendly, etc, but when it comes to matters of the heart I am very protective of myself and venture only when I feel comfortable enough. Sometimes it helped when the guy would lead, but still take my feelings into consideration "Am I hugging you too much? Are we going too fast?".
    Try and see her message as a positive instead of a negative. She may be asking you to make a move, to start courting her, to help her decide if you two are good for something more or better off as friends.

    Of course, while typing this I also imagine being her and just getting a bunch of "I don't know!" to every question you've asked. Its a really tough situation to be in because I don't think she wants to hurt you or cause any negativity with you, hence why she said she likes being your friend.

    If I were her... well, I'm not sure what I'd want. I think I'd be concerned about my ex and how quickly things were happening with this other man in my life, what this could look like to other people who aren't caught up in the feelings. I have a feeling that she could be worried about what others would think of her for not only appearing to have moved on from her ex, but to be together with the roommate of a guy she recently rejected. Cause if her an I are anything alike, which I can't be sure, we don't want others to hate us for following our hearts, and we can end up making sacrifices until we know its "safe". Maybe she needs closure from your room mate that hes okay with you two exploring your feelings more?
    Its so hard for us to make a decision, especially when people's hearts are on the line.

    I'm very new to this whole personality types thing, so I may not know as much as the other NFs here.
    I'm going to think more on this for you.

  8. #8
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    Thanks skittles,
    I think that is the only way to approach the situation, keep my feelings and aspirations positive.

  9. #9
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Hello,

    I deleted my original reply last night.. but no need to apologize. This is a forum. You're open to ask any questions, so long as the intent's not meant to harm or provoke action, I don't see anything wrong with what you wrote. In fact, I found it really endearing.

    Isn't life mostly all about ambiguity? Even if we want clear cut answers, it won't always be apparent? Even if we map out what we want, things don't always take its course accordingly. Go with the flow with whatever it tosses us?

    Anyway- my initial reaction towards her comment about "I see you more as a friend, but it doesn't mean it won't lead to anything else" was that she meant exactly what she said. When I date someone, I keep it CLEAR and simple. If I'm not into a guy, I tell him straight up. If I am, then I wouldn't play with his emotions, nor would I ever want to hurt anybody. But, everyone's different. Based on the story that's told to us- seems like she's sincere. I don't think she's trying to toy around with anyone's emotions, but that's just me. It doesn't seem that way through interactions that's mentioned in the OP.

    I think she may find you attractive, because i sure as hell wouldn't ever tell a guy, "maybe." If I'm not feeling him whatsoever, I wouldn't even leave the option of "friends" after he tells me he has feelings for me. If he insists we be friends, then I will agree just to be platonic on my part but would say something along the lines of "We can only hang out as friends, as long as you and I are clear about where the boundaries are, and that you don't feel led on, we can hang out every once in a while." I'm firm/friendly about it, but not too friendly as to give him the wrong impression. Get what I mean? I only say it in hopes that feelings will dissipate, because they do- and that's when we can truly be platonic friends. No harm in that, right?

    In regards to your situation, I would feel it out a little more, but at the same time, focus on my own life for now. Who knows what will happen.. Personally, if I were in her shoes, I'd take my time a little, not too long though, because that would mean that something's a little off (or perhaps the situation isn't right? I don't know the whole full story- her side.. so..)

    Best of luck! & Welcome!

  10. #10
    Junior Member skittlesloli's Avatar
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    Kiddy is right. Think about it, she not only dumped her boyfriend but she rejected your roommate as well, if shes been so honest with men in the past there's a good chance she is genuinely interested in you.

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