I am new to this forum, and this is my first post. I want to tell everyone a story about a girl. A girl for whom I have never felt anything like what I'm feeling, and I wish she would be plain with me, but I have a feeling that she may not even know what being plain is, and maybe I don't either for that matter.
***If you are not in the mood to read a long post, give up now***
I met this girl, Lisa, through a friend/acquaintance who was going out with her at the time, when he brought her over to our house for a party my roommates and I were having. Though she came with him to our party, she spent about 5 mins with him, and the rest of the time talking to my roommate and I, and I should add that she also helped us do the dishes that night. From the very beginning, I was suspect of her extreme friendliness. Though, not in a negative way, I just got the impression that this girl was so outwardly friendly, and so easy to talk to, that there must be a great deal more to her then met the eye. That impression didn't linger in my mind too long however, because I didn't really think that I would see much of her after that night.
Her boyfriend was becoming much closer friends with my roommate, to the point that my roommate Nick consequently became closer friends with Lisa also. Lisa's boyfriend, found a job in another city across the country, and what ensued was a long term relationship between the two of them. Lisa, however, now being close to Nick, was beginning to spend some time with him, and as a result would come over our house every now and again. Needless to say, her amazing personality eventually won us all over, and she slowly but surely, became a regular fixture at our place. We would cook and eat together, watch movies, talk, sing, etc.. She was over so often, she would start to say things like " I feel more at home here, than I do at my place with my roommates."
The time came for her to help her boyfriend finalize his move to that city across the country, and she went with him on a road trip, which we were all imagining would be the perfect opportunity for him to ask her to marry him. Nick was especially frustrated by this, because he, more than any of us was becoming secretly attached to her. She got back from the trip, informing Nick that they had broken up. It had now become Nick's mission to win Lisa over, and what this meant for us was that, we now saw Lisa practically everyday of the week. I was always hesitant to get too close to Lisa, even though I really liked her, I would not or could not engage in any prolonged conversation with her, nor did I facebook friend her, nor would I pay any special attention to her. Rather, I found myself enjoying our group activities and subconsciously would find myself never really addressing her directly. I think this was the case because I strongly believed that she and Nick would eventually become a couple.
One fateful night she got on the computer and decided to have us all try to figure out our personality type. This intrigued me but also raised some alarms in me. First, I thought, if she was the type to be curious about people's personalities, then this must have meant that she was somewhat of a social architect or engineer. In other words, I began to realize that there was a method to her playfulness, and her friendliness. I was and am thoroughly convinced of her good will though, so it didn't really mean that I was suspicious of her intentions, I was just finally starting to see an avenue open up for my first impression of her. I was beginning to be intrigued by the potential of depth within her. It turned out that I was an INFP, and she was an ENFP, and Nick, I believe was a I/ESTJ. Our other roommate Theo was an Artisan of some kind. I took this info with a grain of salt, as it didn't really concern me at the time to know all about my type, but the information did stick with me.
As time passed, Nick felt he was ready to discuss the nature of he and Lisa's relationship. Lisa stated that she was not fully over her boyfriend and therefore wanted to keep their status as "friends". Nick was not deterred by this and moved forward with renewed vigor with the hope that he would and could win her over with his lucid displays of love for her. Nick, a very loving, positive person, planned so many things for them to do, and kept the friendship so entertaining that we all believed that she indeed was growing to appreciate him at a deeper level. Which perhaps she was, but as we were to find out later, that level never reached the state that Nick was hoping it would, a commitment. Lisa, eventually confessed to Nick that they "just weren't on the same page".
Before this happened however, two things occurred which caused me to change my disposition towards Lisa, from aloof to consciously interested in her. One night during the holiday season, Lisa, Nick, Theo, and I, along with another very sweet & pretty young girl visiting from another city decided to go out and buy a Christmas tree and decorations. I was being my normal shy and rather quiet self, but did manage to have some small and pleasant conversations with the pretty new girl, which were scratching the surface of depth. We got into talking about culture, life etc.. Lisa, never having really made an effort to discuss topics like this before was all the sudden agreeing with me, and in general being very amiable during these conversations. I made a slight note of that in my mind, but didn't know what to make of it. After purchasing the tree, we went to buy decorations from a store, and while looking, Lisa drifted into the next isle alone, to which I immediately followed her instinctively, without thinking, and said "Where are you going Lisa, we need your help choosing!". Her response to this action jolted me so thoroughly, I am still feeling the effects of it. Once I said this to her, she, without saying a word followed me over to the other isle, standing very close to me, exuding a energy I could literally feel warming my heart. The feeling was so intense, I believe I fell in love with her from that moment onward. The feeling was so amazing and powerful, it confused me and left me unable to respond to it. I was so convinced that she and Nick were going to be together, and now here she was directing this overwhelming attention to me, all without saying a word. I felt both guilty towards Nick and loved by her at the same time. Somehow I was able to put that episode in the back of my mind and not concentrate on it again for the rest of the night.
The next instance happened when Lisa, Nick and I volunteered for a dinner fundraiser thing, and at the end of the night when cleaning, Lisa presented herself before me, exuding again a radiant energy without saying a word. Now I realize this sounds a bit mystical, but I know with all my heart that I felt this energy, and it made me feel wonderful and loved.
These two instances placed the burdensome thought in my head, that Lisa was into me. I decided that I would let this thought pass right through my head, but made the mistake of confiding in my very good friend, that I began to think about her, that I had begun to like her. Once I materialized this thought, there was no going back, and slowly but surely I started making tiny steps towards showing her my interest.
It all began with an email that I sent her after having not seen her for a week, to which I ended it with a casual, "I miss you". Then I began to text her, inviting her over personally and making plans to do things with her and the rest of us. Nick, now having to acknowledge that they were to remain friends was growing a bit uneasy by all this, so I had to eventually confess to him, that I liked her. He was not surprised, nor was he pleased. We talked about it but did not find any resolve. He loves her, and is having a difficult time accepting their status as solely friends, and her sticking around us was only making things more difficult. I completely understood and understand.
More pressing matters were weighing down my heart however, and I quickly reached the point where I felt I had to be plain about my feelings for her. Not having the opportunity or the courage to speak to her about face to face, I wrote her a long email jumbled with my feelings, essentially asking her what she really thought of me. I, being somewhat of a fifth wheel during most of our friendship, was a bit confused by the instances in which she acknowledged me with her non-verbal displays, which left me enamored.
I somewhat expected her to say what she said in her response, which was something to the effect of, "I cherish you as a unique individual in my life, but see you as a friend"...with the special clause however, that "no one can say whether the nature of friendship will always remain the same", to which I, as a feeling person, am compelled to want to believe because I know how we feelers aren't necessarily the most reliable types when it comes to consistency of emotion. Yet, having been hurt so many times before due to my excessive naivete, cannot find the trust and strength I would need to continue working towards loving this beautiful, clever, and emotionally closed off woman.
The last few times we have hung out together (in a group), I have found her to be kind but reserved. I cannot continue to try if it will stay at this level, but then again, when certain opportunities have arisen for us to spend some time alone, I found myself completely unable to open up to her as well. I am afraid of her using her cleverness to escape the uncomfortable situation, my asking her to explain herself, will cause. I will perceive this and become instantly hurt by it. I know I will, and will probably not be able to be around her anymore, not without some form of resentment. So I keep things safe, writing her such things like, "I know that I cannot grow attached to you because of your kindness, but need to constantly examine my intentions towards you so that I can be sure that no undue attachment develops".
If you have made it this far, than I need to ask your advice, you other NFP's out there. Please tell me, what do you think? I have been reading the ENFP, INFP personality traits for a few months now thinking to myself how amazing of a connection Lisa and I could have. But this is only serves to make things more painful because whenever I see her in person, that connection seems impossible to achieve. Sometimes I get the impression that she has pulled my card, and is in the process of letting me down easy. In other words, she is playing along with my futile attempt to develop some form of relationship with her, but she knows that I will eventually lose hope and will fizzle away. Which leads me to another thought, is my love for her real? I find myself gazing into her eyes, and being moved physically, I always imagine kissing her cheek, and working my way towards her lips. When it comes to knowing whether or not we are compatible beyond my attraction to her personality and her appearance, I do believe that we could be if we were ever able to open up to each other, but there are so many obstacles between where we are now towards that blessed state.
Can anyone offer some insight, I'd appreciate it.