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  1. #11
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    Hi Enflamed I think you'll get a lot of helpful comments from posting your situation here.

    The most overwhelming feeling I had while reading your post is that you could be heading in a direction to waste a good deal of time and energy for nothing. Good 'ol NF "what if" can make someone stay in a bad situation and try to work something out when it would be a lot better to just cut your ties. I don't doubt her honesty with you, but perhaps her honesty with herself with the email she sent you. You deserve more than a maybe! To adress the feeling of 'overwhelming attention' you experienced with her inthose moments was probably very real, but whatever you had then is likely gone now.

  2. #12
    Senior Member ZiL's Avatar
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    As the others have said, be careful with this. You might feel energy coming from a person and be totally convinced of its nature, but it may not be as mutual as it seems. And of course avoiding the friend of someone who desperately wanted to be with her might also cause some confused reactions.

    However, with ENFPs, I just wanted to add my experience... I fell in love with an ENFP I had met first as a child and then later knew in high school and college. I didn't realize I'd fallen in love with him really, but I was strangely obsessed and incensed. I was also totally convinced that I could win him over, as I felt we shared a lot in common and I felt that he gave me a lot of attention and warmth. But for a solid 3 or 4 months of hanging out with him, he kept a poker face in tact, had a massive crush on another girl, enjoyed hanging out with me but the idea of us being a couple seemed to not occupy the furthest corner of his mind. He's naturally attentive and warm to a lot of people, really. But after some months, suddenly things turned and we ended up together. But for the longest time I had no idea what he thought of me. I didn't say anything beforehand either, I waited until he did. Ha! who's aloof now lol.

    All I'm saying is, my experience is it can be really difficult to read behaviors in these situations, and that the ENFP that I have experience with has a habit of being exuberant around a lot of people, so you can not be sure exactly what you're going to get until you are told something straightforwardly.
    ALL AROUND THE WORLD PEOPLE EATIN' GUMBO

  3. #13
    Senior Member alexx's Avatar
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    Run. Not healthy.

    Run fast.

    89% Extroverted ~ 68% Intuition ~ 84% Feeling ~ 89% Perceiving
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    Sanguine | Phlegmatic
    Right Brain Dominant

  4. #14
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnflamedHeartofSand View Post
    When I initially wrote the post, I think I was looking for someone to explain what those non-verbal episodes meant, looking back on it now though, I realize that those instances aren't pivotal to what she may or may not feel about me.
    Personally, as an ENFP, I sometimes like to gravitate to who I'm most comfortable with. Sometimes when I'm in a group, if one of the people shows a special interest in me or does something kind specifically to me, I will be around them a lot because I feel a positive energy from them and it makes me happy. (And if it's a guy, I have to at least have minimal interest in them, cuz I won't lead someone on if there's no way I'd ever like them).

    It worries me that she's being so indecisive about whether she likes you or not. Usually, when I like someone, you can tell. I'll try to talk to them as much as I can. She probably sees you as potential.

    Whatever you do, don't force her to make a decision about whether or not she likes you. She needs to make the decision herself for it to be her 100% true feelings. She will come to you if she decides that she likes you; she won't admit it right away, but she'll slowly start talking to you more and more and want to hang out all the time. Just go along with it and really get to know her. Ask her really meaningful things about herself to make her feel like you really care about her.
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

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    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

  5. #15
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    sorry my dear but I would suggest some distance. Consciously or not, she has placed you in her possibilities "cookie jar" so to speak. I dont think she means to hurt you, but you are very sweet and sensitive and by adding that clause-I dunno, that is a lot of "maybe".

    Perhaps the best way to move forward is for you to make the choice-either directly or via distancing from her to allow yourself closure as otherwise you will sort of linger on in this weird limbo.

  6. #16
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    sorry my dear but I would suggest some distance. Consciously or not, she has placed you in her possibilities "cookie jar" so to speak. I dont think she means to hurt you, but you are very sweet and sensitive and by adding that clause-I dunno, that is a lot of "maybe".

    Perhaps the best way to move forward is for you to make the choice-either directly or via distancing from her to allow yourself closure as otherwise you will sort of linger on in this weird limbo.
    I don't think he's listening HP...^_^

    Enflamed Heart of Sand -

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I don't think anyone was saying this is situation was 100% doomed as the universe is full of vagaries and suprises. What we (okay what I) were saying is that the situation is not in your favor and it is *very likely* it will continue to be a bad situation for you and in only get worse.

    And the point about whether she is doing this consciously or not or is a "good person" or not is a moot point. I was trying to point out that whether she means to or not, whether she feels affection for you or not, she could behave incredibly irresponsibly (which I think the 'maybe who knows' comment already was) and thoughtlessly towards you and you're the one who will end up getting hurt and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

    Because she already told you clearly NO. If someone tells you "NO" - no matter what they say afterwards or before, just take the "NO"

    I am speaking from experience as an ENFP involved with INFPs, having been on both sides of that equation personally and because you asked. Honestly, I'm a little miffed that you ask for feedback and then you dismiss the answers you don't like with (paraphrased) "you're strangers who don't have all the details to my story."

    Honestly, and don't take offense to the word, but it seems like you're willing to risk a lot, including your living situation and relationship to your roommate(s) who you've known longer, and your happiness and mental health - based purely on infatuation with someone you don't even know very well and it doesn't even seem like you really know what you yourself want right now.

    You *feel* you "know" her, but you really don't. Even from your post you said you've barely had any personal on-one-on time with her. It's an important distinction to make - actually knowing someone and 'feeling' like you know someone - or more dangerously feeling like you are close or drawn to someone. The former is a good basis to make significant decisions on, the latter - not so much.

    That psychological feeling on your part of intimacy and safety is ARTIFICIAL and will get you in big time trouble if you let heart go.

    If people (okay maybe just me) sound a little harsh, it's only because we care. Like..."internet care". I don't want to be a Debbie Downer XXL, but I foresee bad things in the future for you if you continue on this path.

    BUT, what do I know? :shrugs: This is your life and I respect the fact you have to make your own decisions, as we all. For better or worse, and as long as you are committed to what you are going to do, who cares what the nay-sayers and the peanut gallery say?

    I sincerely wish you the best in this situation and hope you thoroughly enjoy this forum. I'm going to bow out of this thread now because it seems clear you don't really want to hear let alone agree with what I'm saying, which again, is totally your prerogative.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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    Johari/Nohari

  7. #17
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    I am speaking from experience as an ENFP involved with INFPs, having been on both sides of that equation personally and because you asked. Honestly, I'm a little miffed that you ask for feedback and then you dismiss the answers you don't like with (paraphrased) "you're strangers who don't have all the details to my story."
    CzeCze,
    I apologized beforehand for precisely the reason you state above. After hearing words, admittingly, I didn't want to hear, I considered them and came to the conclusion that the information I gave was insufficient. I realize you are trying to help and surely, based on your own experiences, are more aware than I may be of the potential dangers of this particular situation. I completely agree with your analysis on the difference between feeling and knowing.

    I think you need to understand though, that even though you may have had this experience and have grown to learn a great deal from it, it doesn't necessarily qualify you to make such an in depth, and overreaching analysis on this seemingly similar circumstance.

    Again, I don't mean to offend you, and I am thankful for your effort to make me aware of all the potential dangers of my situation. Please rest assured and know that I will be okay. I am sure I am much older than you suspect me to be, and have gone through my own fair share of heartbreaks, episodes of unrequited love, and serious bouts of depression. I really, really like this girl, not only because she makes me feel special but because, as much as I am able to, genuinely appreciate her personhood. Even though this appreciation is definitely generated by the hope that we could possibly be together in the future, just the fact that I am aware of that makes the whole process of thinking about her, liking her, wishing we were together a sobering experience. In other words, reality is being forged not by avoiding the situations that have previously caused me pain, but by reexamining that pain as it happens, faithfully working through it, trying hard to accept that what I will is not necessarily what may happen.

    I hope that last point resolves the crux of our miscommunication.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Lol, other people's social circles details never cease to amaze me.

    People need to start understanding that love is at least partly scientific. Some situations are so predictable and people do nothing to prevent them...


    PS: (semi-related piece of advice, not saying it is the case) Stay away from people everybody likes. Considering there are so many different people out there, one must be VERY fluid indeed to be liked by everyone. Or it's a very superficial way of liking someone. I.e. not conductive of real love.

  9. #19
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    you've been given some good advice already. here's my two cents...

    think about what is real and what is, or could be imagined in this situation, and about the "what if"- loop. others have suggested various reason as to why she might have added the clause at the end. there could possibly be other reasons, too...

    distance yourself a bit from your feelings for her and from her and see what happens when you see things more clearly. what do you actually want and what does she actually want? what has actually happened?

    get yourself ready for what is real. if nothing else, it can be a learning experience.

    good luck, friend.
    Enneagram 5w4.

  10. #20
    Member EnflamedHeartofSand's Avatar
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    People need to start understanding that love is at least partly scientific. Some situations are so predictable and people do nothing to prevent them...
    Sytpg,
    This statement confuses me, could you please elaborate?


    get yourself ready for what is real. if nothing else, it can be a learning experience.
    Yvonne, I am trying, God help me. Thanks friend!

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