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  1. #1
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Default Ugh, ENFP, awkward conversations... Lack of Fe/S?

    OK, I am an extreme E, so of course, I love social situations, and being around people, but one of my biggest fears is awkward conversation. It's like a daily obstacle I try and over come every day. It's coming to a point where I just feel completely tense when I am in a given situation that breeds awkward silences or meaningless comments.

    For example, in the past week, I have had 2 people in my life lose very important people close to them. One girl I know lost her boyfriend to suicide, and my other friend lost a close friend in a car accident. They come to me to talk about it and I try and help them but I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I end up just saying like "It'll be fine" or "I'll be praying for you and your family" but I mean, there's only so many times you can say that. I just don't know what else to say or do. and I get SO FRUSTRATED with myself. I WANT TO HELP my friends SO BAD, but I don't know how. I think I'd be better at helping them if we spoke deeper about the issue, than just feeling like I have to comment after they say that they miss them or that they're sad.

    Ugh, maybe I'm just venting. I want to know if anyone can relate to me... I want to get better. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Well this kinda sounds like me in a way. It is jus that I don't feel that much bad about it. Btw. How can you help they anyway ? Cheesy talk probably wouldn't do it anyway.

  3. #3
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    Never mind what to say, it sounds like you first need to practice your active listening skills. Try starting off by asking them how they feel etc and note how they they respond, including body language. If they want to talk about it further they will, if they don't you can move on to something else. Probably it's easy to come across as flippant or unconcerned by saying the things you are, and that's rightly worrying you. But you seem to regard conversational silence as a big hole that it's your duty to fill, before you really even have anything to fill it with.

    Sometimes we can help most in those kinds of situations by just reassuring people that we're there and care about them, and I think that's more easily achieved by giving them the time to listen to their concerns than trying to push yourself into coming out with something smart or wise all the time. The conversation is likely to take its own natural flow if you take the time to let it, but you have to trust the power of silence and let go with both hands to give the other person the freedom they're likely to need.
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  4. #4
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Not an E, or an N, or an F, or a P,

    But in that situation, you've pretty much said all you can say after that point. Let them lead the discussion regarding the deceased. If they are open to talk about the good times with that person, you can always take the lead there. Or they may appreciate some other topics to take their mind off of the situation. But if they aren't, you might have to just let it be. Sometimes just being there is enough for the person.

  5. #5
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i can't comfort people either. i think it's because i don't really think there is anything one can say...i've been in that situation and nothing anyone said to me helped...not that i really asked for much support or felt like talking with anyone about it...i just wanted to be left alone...so i guess my way to be there for someone would be to say i'm so sorry...if you need anything let me know...i can stop by with food or a movie or anything else you need...just let me know.

    so...i don't think words help but just knowing someone cares and will help take care of stuff for you or just sit with you if you want is helpful i think.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  6. #6
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post

    so...i don't think words help but just knowing someone cares and will help take care of stuff for you or just sit with you if you want is helpful i think.

    Most likely they don't remember what you say.....they may not even remember you being there. Death is such as mind altering experience.

    Just be there- however the situation demands. Good stuff.

  7. #7
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry 2Xtreme. Ragashree had good advice about active listening. Listen and if you occasionally restate what they said to you back to them a bit differently they may interpret it as you are gaining understanding to how they really feel and really hearing them. That is the best you can do. Don't feel like you have to lay down some inspirational words of insight on death that nobody has contemplated before because that is not the case. You can mirror the body language, too, if you want - but they might need a hug, or a hand held, or a shoulder held to feel connected. It can really help people in pain to make a gesture like that. If you want you can ask questions about good times and memories of the deceased. Looking at pictures together could help trigger memories. But it might be too early for that. Sometimes silence is the presence of another person who cares is comforting in its own way. Keep that in mind so you don't feel uptight. Hope this helps. Sympathy to you and your friends, 2Xtreme. You sound like a good friend.
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  8. #8
    Glycerine
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    Um, just listen to them and be there. You got that covered. I am shocked I thought NFPs were better at comforting than NFJs (based on stereotypes). Also, you could create a diversion for them to get their mind off of it.

  9. #9
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pitseleh View Post
    Um, just listen to them and be there. You got that covered. I am shocked I thought NFPs were better at comforting than NFJs (based on stereotypes). Also, you could create a diversion for them to get their mind off of it.

    As far as active listening, I think I can work on that, thought I know that I understand how they feel, and I do feel bad, but just the way I am wired, I like to be the one to take things off my friends' minds, and be there for them in that way, I do have a serious side too, I am better at taking about death/deeper things when the other person is willing, but I feel like in this given circumstance, my friends arent looking for deep discussions--they are looking for someone to listen to them. They text me and just say that they miss the people who've passed away, or they just send me a sad face, I ask if they wanna talk about it, all they say is that it hurts and that they want the other person back. I wanna be there for them, and so i write back, but I feel like I am saying such superficial things, and i guess thats what bothers me...

    It's like if someone had another awful thing happen, like lose a job, a relationship breaks up, they need advice, or they need someone to have a deep discussion with, I am ALL OVER THAT. I LOVE THAT, but its the conversations that are just so...surface level, when they should be taken deeper, thats where i struggle.

    I will work on mirroring body language/hugging/active listening, but its like, once I feel like that part of the conversation as reached tiresome, they still want to continue.. i feel lke Im not doing enough

  10. #10
    Glycerine
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    I bet you are doing A LOT more than you think you are doing. Like Lady X said, people like to know that you are there for them and care. That's usually all it takes. At the same time, you don't want to push on their newly opened hurt until they are ready. This might sound callous but I don't usually bring anything up until they are ready to talk about it. Sometimes people just need some room to grieve and then once the pain subsides, they open up.

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