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  1. #1
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Default Are INFPs Indecisive in Love?

    Hi everyone,
    I'm an INFJ - 37 years old. I'd been dating a 30 year old INFP for only several months. We're both females. She's Japanese and I had lived in Japan for nearly a decade, so it seemed like a match made in heaven. However, we just broke up (or have decided to go "on a break" - which in my mind is a break-up), and I'm trying to piece together what has happened.

    My question is about her indecisiveness. Throughout the three-month relationship, it was impossible to figure out if she was on or off. Let me explain: In the first month and a half, she continued to date another woman, so I gave her an ultimatum: "either you focus on me solely, or I'm not able to date you." So after much deliberation, she said she wanted to just see me. Then she turns up the heat and starts to smother me, tells me constantly how much she likes me, etc. So, had to ask her to chill out. After requesting this several times, she finally does. But then she turns everything down, to the point where I started to wonder where the passion went...so I asked her, and then she said she wasn't sure if we were compatible or if we were having communication issues. I said I still wanted to date, but just figure out our communication issues and then determine if we were compatible. But she said she needed to think about it...

    Here's where the mixed signals start. That same night she said she didn't know if she wanted to date me, she asked if I would stay over. (I didn't.) The next 10 days until last night, she calls me constantly, texts, makes plans, asks to meet my friends, says she wants to meet my brother when he's in town, etc. Generally, I'm taking this as a sign that she likes me. But when I ask her for an update on her feelings about us - 10 days after the initial discussion - she says she's still thinking!

    At this point, I'm getting annoyed and I ask her what she's doing hanging out with me, when she feels so unsure. She responded that she was just trying to be with me, but that she felt really pressured by my request for an answer.

    The other component is that she's really stressed at work and she's tired all the time. This has impacted our intimacy. I have asked her if she is into me, attracted to me, etc. She said she is, but we had once had an issue with sex because she was very vocal in bed, and I wasn't sure how to respond, being very quiet myself. It wasn't a big deal, but she's still hung up on it.

    The bottom line is that I've made clear that I want to date her, accept her for who she is, and want to develop a deeper connection so we can enhance all other aspects of our relationship. She often responds that she wants someone lighthearted and playful. All these signs lead me to think that we shouldn't be together.

    My question to you all is: Is it normal to be so indecisive as an INFP? If she's not into me, then she should just say so instead of giving mixed signals (which she admited to giving). Do INFPs do this often? Mixed signals, wishy washy, hot and cold, can't decide, etc.?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Your post makes me wonder if girls really do mature faster than guys, but I might be just being a jerk...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Well, I know I can be slow to open up because it leaves me very vulnerable. I'm also hesitant to commit quickly out of fear of choosing the wrong person. To me, "exclusive" dating is a big deal which indicates serious intentions.

    So you got her to that point of exclusivity, and she felt safe & started to express her feelings, and then you criticized her for it. Possibly, in her mind, she's feeling a bit rejected & confused also. It seems like you invited her in and then slammed the door in her face. Hence the communication issue: she possibly has a different idea of what "exclusive" means. For her, it may be symbolic for a certain level of closeness & expressiveness that you are not comfortable with yet. It seems you get uncomfortable with her being herself at times (ie, vocal in bed), and that will make an INFP withdraw; we need to see that someone accepts & celebrates who we truly are. We take criticism to heart big time.

    INFPs generally like to keep options opened & not be pressured to make a decision or commitment until they've gathered enough info about something/someone to feel safe doing so. We're usually not keen on over-defining things because it boxes us in. We usually don't like to date in a contrived manner. That doesn't mean we don't like to be on the same page with someone or that we are not honest about our intentions; it's just a little less of a "forced" approach.

    You pushed a bit at first, she allowed it, but then you backed up, & so that reinforced her original angle, which is to see where things go without the pressure of labels and too many expectations. It's not a matter of indecision so much as a less structured way of dating. Her statement of wanting someone "light-hearted & playful" indicates this a bit. It seems you were coming off kind of inconsistent also, which may explain her hesitation.

    There is a possibility she is just not interested in something serious right now also, or something serious with you. It's hard to say from your description if she just got scared off or if she just isn't that into you after all.

    Also, check My Guide to INFPs in the NF blog section for more info.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  4. #4
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I just see a set of excessive swings, though I suppose there does need to be some allowance for the culture gap.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    THanks. This is so very insightful to see it from her perspective. It makes me feel like I messed up. I tried very hard last night to say I was trying to understand this from her perspective. But it honestly seemed too bizarre to me. Perhaps INFJs simply aren't good fits for INFPs. I mean, ideally I want to be with someone who rounds me out, who makes me see things a different way, but I was really struggling with understanding how she could still be on the fence about so much and feel like I was pressuring her. I honestly felt like I wasn't pressuring her at all - just trying to clarify her perspective. But anyhow, this is all good input for the brain. thanks.

  6. #6
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I don't know about INFPs. But typically, I think people give love in the way want to receive it. So when she "turned up the heat and started to smother you, telling you constantly how much she liked you" those were real expressions and you rejected them and let her know you weren't going to reciprocate in that way. Even if you didn't mean it as such, a sensitive person who is maybe worn down from stress or tiredness can take them that way. The passion went because she was punishing you for doing that. Then when you were not moved to pursue her harder, she tried to reconnect. She may have wanted to reconnect to see how your feelings had changed or possibly grown. When you asked her for a feelings update she didn't have one because she needs to be around you to know if she can love you in a way that is acceptable to you and in turn will grow your love for her. Did you criticize her for being vocal in bed? Maybe she is sensitive to criticism (explicit or implicit) she feels you are heaping on her. Maybe she just wants to be adored, in the beginning of the relationship we NFs can get srsly enraptured from adoring our lovers and being adored by them.

    Anyway, that is my take on the content you posted.
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  7. #7
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    THanks. This is so very insightful to see it from her perspective. It makes me feel like I messed up. I tried very hard last night to say I was trying to understand this from her perspective. But it honestly seemed too bizarre to me. Perhaps INFJs simply aren't good fits for INFPs. I mean, ideally I want to be with someone who rounds me out, who makes me see things a different way, but I was really struggling with understanding how she could still be on the fence about so much and feel like I was pressuring her. I honestly felt like I wasn't pressuring her at all - just trying to clarify her perspective. But anyhow, this is all good input for the brain. thanks.
    You might not have been pressuring her, or not very much, but it may have felt that way to her. I won't deny that INFPs can be extra sensitive.

    However, this sounds like a little bit of both, and also a series of misunderstandings & just different approaches to relationships.

    As for INFJs & INFPs being good fits, that has a lot to do with the individuals involved. The pairing is usually considered good in "theory" & some people have found it good in reality too.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    My question to you all is: Is it normal to be so indecisive as an INFP?
    Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    If she's not into me, then she should just say so instead of giving mixed signals (which she admited to giving).
    Why would she? It's best to leave ones options open, in case one changes their mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Do INFPs do this often? Mixed signals, wishy washy, hot and cold, can't decide, etc.?
    Sure. At least for me, until I commit to something. Once I'm committed, I stand by it. The hot and cold could be a need for space. I get too close, then I need space... it's a vicious cycle to those looking in, but it's the only way to live; it's balance.

  9. #9
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Well, the whole thing about her smothering me was so ironic since I'm normally the one who does that in relationships. First time to be on the receiving end, and it seriously freaked me out! But I thought we made it through that and then I ended up being the one who was constantly communicating my interest in her - in fact I have always been very consistent in that type of communication. Last night she acknowledged that she sent me mixed messages (ie being very eager in the amount of communication) but also feeling "chased" by me. I thought this was weird because I was only responding to what I thought were mutual feelings.
    One more question then for the group: what does it mean now? Is she thinking this over? Are INFPs prone to sit in the gray zone for a while? I tend to be very black and white, but at least for the time being I'll thoroughly dissect this.

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    ^ It's really hard to say because it all depends on how seriously she was interested in you to begin with & how much the "chasing" turned her off. Even though we're INFPs, we can't read her mind either .

    What are the terms of your "break"? Is it to give her time to think? Is it a backing up & returning to casual dating? Is it completely unclear & vague?
    From what you've described, it seems like just dating without pressure for awhile is what she's aiming for, but that's only a guess. I'd probably just cut someone off if I had no further interest.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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