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  1. #31
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Thanks to everyone for the comments. I can't help but feel as though I messed this up by inquiring about how she was feeling when I couldn't read her mixed signals. I was just looking for guidance, but apparently that's a big no no with INFPs.

    At this point, I fear that going back to her is going to appear selfish - because I now feel that I was the one who could have been more chill and relaxed and "go with the flow." Won't she think I'm being selfish?

    Of course, I'm also afraid that if I walk away completely I will make her feel like I"m punishing her (someone referenced that earlier), and I don't want that. I fear she already feels that because I suggested it not appropriate to hang out as gf's and meet my family and friends this weekend if she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me. When we talked, she said she understood why I might be hurt in this type of situation, but now that I see how much she hides of her true feelings, I'm not sure that's really the case.

    How can I be sure if I contact her again that she won't perceive me as selfish?

  2. #32
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    perhaps you could tell her about your concerns and feelings? ... and if you both still want to, then take it slow?

    i don't think it's a big deal that you asked her about her feelings, but she might not have been ready to tell you. that's all.
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  3. #33
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Thanks to everyone for the comments. I can't help but feel as though I messed this up by inquiring about how she was feeling when I couldn't read her mixed signals. I was just looking for guidance, but apparently that's a big no no with INFPs.
    OMG, that last sentence makes it sound like "I want you to read my mind or else I'm going to pout even more" LOL.

    Which btw, I don't think anyone was actually saying.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone how they feel, particularly if you are in a romantic limbo. Making someone feel hounded, constantly texting or emailing them with the same question, etc. is different from simply stating: "This is how I feel, I would really like to know how you feel".

    An adult, regardless of their type, should at the least be able to tell you "I'm not sure what I want right now." Or "I'm being cautious right now because I'm the type that moves slow".

    I think the INFPs so far have said they like to be cautious and take their time making sure they want to commit to someone, not that they lack the ability to articulate their feelings.

    At this point, I fear that going back to her is going to appear selfish - because I now feel that I was the one who could have been more chill and relaxed and "go with the flow." Won't she think I'm being selfish?

    Of course, I'm also afraid that if I walk away completely I will make her feel like I"m punishing her (someone referenced that earlier), and I don't want that. I fear she already feels that because I suggested it not appropriate to hang out as gf's and meet my family and friends this weekend if she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me. When we talked, she said she understood why I might be hurt in this type of situation, but now that I see how much she hides of her true feelings, I'm not sure that's really the case.
    1) It sounds like you are too wound up in this and in her to the point you can't really "think straight" - meaning you are second guessing the options you make based on how maybe they could possibly affect her because ultimately *you want her to say 'yes' to you* and be your gf. This is like...almost the kiss of death at this stage. It's like spending 15 minutes at the grocery store trying to decide on which cereal your GF is going to like eating (because what if she hates what I buy and it seems like I don't understand her at all, etc. etc. etc.)

    2) Take a deep breath!

    3) I think here reading between the lines of what the INFPs have been saying will help the most. Give her the chance to reject you. Accept that it is okay and you will be okay if she says no. Really, I think you have way too much anxiety building over a situation you feel you can't control or understand. It will only continue to build unless she either flips a 180 (unlikely to happen) and approaches you with a firm answer OR you just let it go (this you can actually make happen! ).

    Your anxiety and fear is causing you to spend way too much time caring what she thinks of you or thinking how you can get her to like you and be your gf again instead of thinking about what is best for the situation overall and for yourself.

    4) I'm not sure if you see this, but her indecision is causing you indecision. I meant what I said about 'be the J!' but I'm going to say here, to be the 'J' for yourself and make your decision.

    5) I think if there's anything that's been made clear from the thread is that you cannot make any decision for her. And considering how unknowable/ secretive/ cautious/ [fill in the blank] she seems to you, I wouldn't even worry about influencing her decision - yay or nay. Just make your own decision, knowing that you are doing nothing with ill-will or malice. All will fall into place after that and everything will turn out the way it was meant to turn out.

    How can I be sure if I contact her again that she won't perceive me as selfish?
    See above answers.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

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  4. #34
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    ^Totally agreed.

    I mean, there isn't much else to do, right? You pretty much did all you could do. You laid all your cards out, and she's that ambivalent after all this time.. I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way.

    I also understand that being cornered in the beginning will cause people to want to flee because it starts to feel like a game of control or a cat mouse chase, but I genuinely think if she wants to be with you, then she's got to reciprocate, or at least show some kind of mutuality.

    I'd get fed up with someone who just 'takes and takes' but doesn't share for whatever reason. Healthy relationships are about being honest with one another, and having a balance of give/take on both sides.. They don't call it partnership for nuthin.'

  5. #35
    Junior Member ComplexMind's Avatar
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    This INFP you are describing OP sounds EXACTLY like me. One moment I'm cold, the next I'm warm, it just switches on and off. It's all based on the vibe I get when I'm dating someone. I tend to go with the flow in the beginning and match the vibe he's giving me. And if I'm getting the cold shoulder I go into the chaser role to win back his affection. It's like I try to make it work even though I'm unsure of our compatibility.

  6. #36
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Hi everyone, just to wrap this up...in the end we just sort of went our own ways. I requested some items back from her, and she told me I looked nice in the shirt she had purchased for me when I went to pick them up. (I wanted her to remember me as pretty just in case ... We had some nice pleasantries, and I gave her a hug good bye. It was all pretty normal but it left me thinking that I could have just been a bit more, I don't know, deep or meaningful in my final good bye...so I emailed her a very short poem afterwards that I had written and told her I was glad we had met. Since she's Japanese and alone in the US, I also offered to be there for her if she ever needed anything. It made me feel good to offer that. She responded with a rather cool, distant email yet at the same time polite saying thanks and that I deserved the best, etc. And that was it!

    In the end, I think that we just weren't compatible and I was definitely overthinking everything since I was drowning in her mixed messages. It was like I didn't have any backboard to bounce off against. That was tough. But like everything, we make it through! THanks again.

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