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  1. #21
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post

    The deal breaker: is an emotional discussion about where the relationship is headed (or where I'm at). Over time, I believe INFP's become very, very loyal to those they care about and that's where commitment naturally occurs for us. (No discussions necessary.) I personally am turned off by any such discussions about commitment and won't do it; especially, early on. I will flee in my Mustang and never look back! ...just be careful about initiating any emotional discussions like that.

    [edit]:
    PS, you mentioned she's under stress, so give her some space to work it out. Be nice and check in on how she's doing every now and then; have empathy. She'll bounce back!
    **
    Don't worry, PerfectGirl, I try to avoid "where are we" discussions unless absolutely necessary

    Based on the info you've provided, I'm going to give it some time and then check in with her. You're right that she's under so much stress, and I need to be supportive of her, as I have tried to be. I was just trying to avoid getting my heart trampled since I couldn't read her mixed signals at all. At the end of the day too, to borrow from my favorite best friend ENFJ, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be." My heart is in the right place, and I think this girl knows that...she's just unsure if we're a good match.

  2. #22
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=CzeCze;1137708]

    To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

    ***
    Thanks CzeCze. it's funny because when speaking to my other friends, none of whom are INFPs, they tend to agree with your input saying that I've been really patient and not pressured her. But what's interesting to me is to see how much is below the surface of her "openmindedness" as someone put it...I'm completely willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because I really like her...however I also don't want to walk my heart off a cliff, as I tend to do Thanks again for your point of view.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Hmm, como?

    Which part do you think is wrong and why?
    Your words:
    "The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all."
    It's manipulating, pressuring and robs me of any positive emotions. I'm not 'feeling' the luv right now. lolz!

    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    **
    ...I was just trying to avoid getting my heart trampled since I couldn't read her mixed signals at all.
    I understand. Based on what you said, I honestly don't think she's playing with you. A younger INFP maybe, but I think a 30yr old INFP would be straight-up about her feelings and careful not to hurt you.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.
    You are right.

  4. #24
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    Your words:
    "The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all."
    It's manipulating, pressuring and robs me of any positive emotions. I'm not 'feeling' the luv right now. lolz!
    [QUOTE=kccrush;1137744]
    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post

    To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

    ***
    Thanks CzeCze. it's funny because when speaking to my other friends, none of whom are INFPs, they tend to agree with your input saying that I've been really patient and not pressured her. But what's interesting to me is to see how much is below the surface of her "openmindedness" as someone put it...I'm completely willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because I really like her...however I also don't want to walk my heart off a cliff, as I tend to do Thanks again for your point of view.
    ---

    Ha! Ha! See PerfectGirl, the OP agrees with me!!! So THERE!

    LOL.

    I'm kidding of course. :P

    I don't want to invalidate your feelings PG, and I think it's really helpful for the OP and for anyone else who wants to date an INFP to hear your viewpoint. I believe it when you state how you would perceive someone 'walking away' from you. I'm sure it would feel crappy and even like punishment or maybe spiteful? Or like they are doing something sneaky.

    However the intent isn't punishment and there is no ulterior motive. Just the opposite, it's to provide as much clarity and known elements into a very confusing situation. It's to leave everyone with the best outcome possible. To make it as win-win as possible.

    Because again, from my experience, I don't think INFPs or really anyone who says "I need time" means to be selfish or grab all the power in the relationship - but people often do a lot of damage in romantic situations without meaning to. In fact, I think it's more common for people to hurt others in romantic situations unintentionally or as an unavoidable side-effect - because rejection just means they don't want to be with you, not that they don't care. And the definition of 'thoughtlessness' is not taking something or someone into consideration.

    And frankly, and this may be an unpopular viewpoint, but in general you really, really, do NOT want to be led around in a relationship by the seeming whims or changing emotions of an XNFP. You are just asking, BIG TIME, for trouble. By all means, people should be allowed to feel and express and share what they are feeling with their partners, but NEVER let a relationship be run by the emotional currents of one partner, regardless of that person's type.

    KC, I completely understand the desire to be supportive and nurturing to your INFP, however, (and the good thing here is that you are a 'J') some of the best ways you can do that for her, yourself, and the situation/relationship is to implement structure and expectations and keep a clear view of the whole situation.

    I think striking a balance, as you seem to want to do, is the best bet. Be respectful, be supportive, but remember, you are the J! YOU ARE THE 'J'!!!

    LOL.

    Let us know how it turns out!
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  5. #25
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    The indecisiveness I exhibit is due to needs of mine not being met.

  6. #26
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    The indecisiveness I exhibit is due to needs of mine not being met.
    yes, or just wanting to take it slow. i've always thought that's the best approach to romance.

    i'm sorry to say this, but to me some of the INFP answers really sound a bit selfish... i'm not saying that people should be pressured, or anything, but the ball can't be on the other party's court all the time. that's cowardly.
    Enneagram 5w4.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    yes, or just wanting to take it slow. i've always thought that's the best approach to romance.

    i'm sorry to say this, but to me some of the INFP answers really sound a bit selfish... i'm not saying that people should be pressured, or anything, but the ball can't be on the other party's court all the time. that's cowardly.
    ^I never think about relationships that way. I don't think anybody here expects "the ball to be in the other party's court all the time". Let things evolve naturally. There's nothing "coward" about it. Come on, I know when to tell someone how I feel; I don't like being prodded or manipulated to do it. That's where it ends.

    ...I call that wise (not selfish).

  8. #28
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    Is it okay for another male to chime in?


    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    ^I never think about relationships that way. I don't think anybody here expects "the ball to be in the other party's court all the time". Let things evolve naturally. There's nothing "coward" about it. Come on, I know when to tell someone how I feel; I don't like being prodded or manipulated to do it. That's where it ends.

    ...I call that wise (not selfish).
    If anything, I spent more time trying to make things right, for my S.O. Than taking care of myself, to my own detriment. All the way till the dissolution of my last relationship. That doesn't seem selfish to me.

    If I 'Love' you, you get everything I can give. But the more relationships I have been in, the more cynical and cautious I have become. Indecisiveness, isn't the problem, I need more data.

    To put it bluntly, I'm tired of getting screwed over. Therefore, if a potential S.O. doesn't have the wherewithal to be honest, and patient, and understand the cautiousness, it isn't going to work.

    Patience is required.
    Last edited by Biaxident; 04-25-2010 at 10:40 PM.

  9. #29
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Just speaking from personal experience, I think from the OP's perspective walking away is the best way to go. You can't wait around forever for someone to make up their mind, especially when it's causing more confusion and distress for both parties. Sometimes you just have to give people space. And timelines.

    To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.
    I don't think anyone was saying the OP should wait around forever. If they are broken up & not exclusive, she has every right to pursue other people. She has every right to expect something in return also.

    The point is, the OP wants to try and patch things up. She can possibly do that by backing off a bit, dropping an occasional email & phone call, and planning casual dates. To me, contact maybe once or twice a week in such a situation would be good.

    Hanging out in a group of friends instead of intimate dates may be a good idea also. There are a lot of ways to continue to pursue someone without pressuring or waiting around. If the INFP does not reciprocate at all within a reasonable amount of time, then yes, it's time to walk. IMO, you should not have to state to someone what time frame is reasonable - if that person wants to, they will respond & do their part.

    If you start giving ultimatums & timelines off the bat though, I can almost guarantee the INFP will be run off. That sort of thing would not sit well with me; I don't want to date a parent figure. Someone being honest about their feelings and intentions and taking it slow will bring my guard down. It's pretty much the same thing, but one is done with delicacy and without demands.

    The OP did it once before - the INFP let her guard down and agreed to an exclusive relationship. I think we've analyzed why the INFP was scared off already, and some of it sounds legitimate while some is over-sensitivity. Right now her sensitive side needs to calm down and then the INFJ can reintroduce structure. It also gives the INFJ a chance to see if the INFP is being honest about the intentions of the break, or if she is just a coward who cannot break up with someone in a direct manner.

    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Thanks everyone. It seems like a hard line to discern how to pursue an INFP without making them feel pressured? Of course, I will avoid, as someone put it, silly questions like why do you like me (I am certain I never asked her that ...but are there other things to not do (or to do) so as not to make her feel pressured? For example, if I was to reach out again, it would simply just be to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" or would it be more like an update on my life and see how her life is? I'm guessing the latter since the former seems too much?
    See above. I think your ideas sound fine. I wouldn't rule out inviting her to do things now & then either. As it's been said, this is an adult INFP, and if she has any amount of maturity, she would have already rejected you if she truly did not want to continue to see you. Her vagueness sounds like cautiousness to me, not trying to wiggle out of breaking up.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  10. #30
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    ^ i agree.
    Enneagram 5w4.

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