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  1. #11
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Sorry I am assuming I found a pot of gold with access to so many INFPs. Well, she admitted to "being really into you" at the beginning...and now she likes me and cares about me, that much she said last night. I asked her for the terms of the break, and she said there are no terms. It's just whatever we feel like. Since she had just told me I was too black and white, and pressuring her too much, I felt like not trying to dig further into the terms. That's why I feel like this is a break-up. Because unclear and vague to me is very uncomfortable. However, as I mentioned to her, being ok in the gray zone is an area for self improvement. So here I am. Also, thanks again for your input. This is really very useful for my head and heart.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Well, the whole thing about her smothering me was so ironic since I'm normally the one who does that in relationships. First time to be on the receiving end, and it seriously freaked me out! But I thought we made it through that and then I ended up being the one who was constantly communicating my interest in her - in fact I have always been very consistent in that type of communication. Last night she acknowledged that she sent me mixed messages (ie being very eager in the amount of communication) but also feeling "chased" by me. I thought this was weird because I was only responding to what I thought were mutual feelings.
    One more question then for the group: what does it mean now? Is she thinking this over? Are INFPs prone to sit in the gray zone for a while? I tend to be very black and white, but at least for the time being I'll thoroughly dissect this.
    First of all, I'm into men, so I'm not sure how this works being pursued by the same sex.

    It's doubtful she's thinking it's over. As I said, it's all about leaving options open. Time, space and patience. INFP's are easy to reel back in if you're nice; at least for me.

  3. #13
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Just out of curiosity, do INFPs ever do the reeling? I mean, I'm more likely to continue doing my own thing and think that she's going to realize what's missing and come back to me. In reality, I think there is a good chance of this. But not knowing INFPs, I'm unsure if this is an INFJ pipe dream or not? Sorry to pick your brains with so little information. I'm big on generalizations, so if you want, generalize away on INFPs as regards to being proactive int seeking out what they want. and most of all, Thank You!

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Just out of curiosity, do INFPs ever do the reeling? I mean, I'm more likely to continue doing my own thing and think that she's going to realize what's missing and come back to me. In reality, I think there is a good chance of this. But not knowing INFPs, I'm unsure if this is an INFJ pipe dream or not? Sorry to pick your brains with so little information. I'm big on generalizations, so if you want, generalize away on INFPs as regards to being proactive int seeking out what they want. and most of all, Thank You!
    Very good question... for me, I hope for some natural occurence where we cross paths again. Even better, I prefer to be pursued. It's good you keep in touch with her if you like her. Maybe just give her a little space (a day or two) and then make contact. Don't ask silly questions as to why or if she likes you. If she likes you, she'll be happy, enthusiastic, and affectionate again. If you date an INFP, you gotta learn to roll with the punches... (even when we don't) I know I'm high maintenance that way, but I'm sweet if you are.

  5. #15
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    Hi everyone,
    I'm an INFJ - 37 years old. I'd been dating a 30 year old INFP for only several months. We're both females. She's Japanese and I had lived in Japan for nearly a decade, so it seemed like a match made in heaven. However, we just broke up (or have decided to go "on a break" - which in my mind is a break-up), and I'm trying to piece together what has happened.

    My question is about her indecisiveness. Throughout the three-month relationship, it was impossible to figure out if she was on or off. Let me explain: In the first month and a half, she continued to date another woman, so I gave her an ultimatum: "either you focus on me solely, or I'm not able to date you." So after much deliberation, she said she wanted to just see me. Then she turns up the heat and starts to smother me, tells me constantly how much she likes me, etc. So, had to ask her to chill out. After requesting this several times, she finally does. But then she turns everything down, to the point where I started to wonder where the passion went...so I asked her, and then she said she wasn't sure if we were compatible or if we were having communication issues. I said I still wanted to date, but just figure out our communication issues and then determine if we were compatible. But she said she needed to think about it...

    Here's where the mixed signals start. That same night she said she didn't know if she wanted to date me, she asked if I would stay over. (I didn't.) The next 10 days until last night, she calls me constantly, texts, makes plans, asks to meet my friends, says she wants to meet my brother when he's in town, etc. Generally, I'm taking this as a sign that she likes me. But when I ask her for an update on her feelings about us - 10 days after the initial discussion - she says she's still thinking!

    At this point, I'm getting annoyed and I ask her what she's doing hanging out with me, when she feels so unsure. She responded that she was just trying to be with me, but that she felt really pressured by my request for an answer.

    The other component is that she's really stressed at work and she's tired all the time. This has impacted our intimacy. I have asked her if she is into me, attracted to me, etc. She said she is, but we had once had an issue with sex because she was very vocal in bed, and I wasn't sure how to respond, being very quiet myself. It wasn't a big deal, but she's still hung up on it.

    The bottom line is that I've made clear that I want to date her, accept her for who she is, and want to develop a deeper connection so we can enhance all other aspects of our relationship. She often responds that she wants someone lighthearted and playful. All these signs lead me to think that we shouldn't be together.

    My question to you all is: Is it normal to be so indecisive as an INFP? If she's not into me, then she should just say so instead of giving mixed signals (which she admited to giving). Do INFPs do this often? Mixed signals, wishy washy, hot and cold, can't decide, etc.?

    Thanks!
    OMG you are my dating twin, lol.

    In answer to your questions YESSSS.SSS.SSSSS. INFPs are *hella* indecsive in love. At least, the INFP women that I have dated.

    The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all.

    Also the intimacy thing - any Fi dom/aux (har har, thanks for the clarification mystery member!) can get super sensitive/paranoid about comments you make about their sexuality. Clamming up or suddenly seeming to lose interest in sex is a Big Deal. Not sure how you are gonna be able to address that given the current situation...

    Again, I would tell her how you feel about her, what you would like for the both of you, and walk away.

    Otherwise, you'll be going in circles ad infinitum.

    Also, I think Wyst had a similar situation, if only that he was studying in Japan and had a Japanese gf. There are probably cultural factors in play too and issues with interpretation.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    The best thing to do is tell the INFP the ball is in their court but you won't wait forever, or at all, and walk away from it all.
    um, not. read my last post.

  7. #17
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush
    I asked her for the terms of the break, and she said there are no terms. It's just whatever we feel like.
    Okay, I'm really thinking she just wants to take a step back & return to dating casually without pressure. If she wanted to break up, I don't think she'd continue to be that vague (or else that is really messed up...).

    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    Very good question... for me, I hope for some natural occurence where we cross paths again. Even better, I prefer to be pursued. It's good you keep in touch with her if you like her. Maybe just give her a little space (a day or two) and then make contact. Don't ask silly questions as to why or if she likes you. If she likes you, she'll be happy, enthusiastic, and affectionate again. If you date an INFP, you gotta learn to roll with the punches... I know I'm high maintenance that way, but I'm sweet if you are.
    I'm going to agree with this.....I need to be pursued. I'm a straight woman also though, and I don't know how much male-female dynamic changes things up.

    The idea is to back off a little, but still contact her enough to let her know you're interested. If you totally disappear, that may seem like rejection. I'm not the kind to run after anyone anyway....
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  8. #18
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone. It seems like a hard line to discern how to pursue an INFP without making them feel pressured? Of course, I will avoid, as someone put it, silly questions like why do you like me (I am certain I never asked her that ...but are there other things to not do (or to do) so as not to make her feel pressured? For example, if I was to reach out again, it would simply just be to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" or would it be more like an update on my life and see how her life is? I'm guessing the latter since the former seems too much?

  9. #19
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    If you date an INFP, you gotta learn to roll with the punches... (even when we don't) I know I'm high maintenance that way, but I'm sweet if you are.
    ^ YES!!!! You gotta roll!

    For example, if I was to reach out again, it would simply just be to say "hey, I'm thinking about you" or would it be more like an update on my life and see how her life is? I'm guessing the latter since the former seems too much?
    Short and sweet? I remember when 'someone' emailed me and just said...I miss you. Or I am thinking of you. That way, there is no pressure to say anything back or make the moment better by trying too hard or getting too deep into the every-day blah blah blahs. Just a nice little . When I received it, it made my day and I was relieved that I didn't have to talk because I was stressed and had nothing to say. I don't really...enjoy talking about life.......that much...unless there is a funny story I'd like to share...is that just me? Even when I care about the person...

    I like to be encouraged...constantly...I keep thinking things have changed overnight and it would make me feel stupid if I act all lovey and opens my heart to you and you are plotting in your head how to get rid of me.

    And yes, we are indecisive - though I prefer 'open-minded'. I am very indecisive because I am idealistic and because I am aware that reality does not Always correspond with my idealism so I think sometimes I should give people more of a chance or just 'experience the fun' instead of waiting for a perfect story.

  10. #20
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    um, not. read my last post.
    Hmm, como?

    Which part do you think is wrong and why?

    Just speaking from personal experience, I think from the OP's perspective walking away is the best way to go. You can't wait around forever for someone to make up their mind, especially when it's causing more confusion and distress for both parties. Sometimes you just have to give people space. And timelines.

    To expect someone to wait around for you indefinitely until you figure something or "become ready for a relationship" can be really selfish. I've been on the receiving end of that from INFPs and it's not cool.

    So from the OP's perspective, I still think that's the best thing to do. Particularly because INFJs (like INTPs, INFPs, and ENFPs) can really go in circles indefinitely about the issue and eat themselves up inside. Why would you put someone through that when you aren't even sure what you want?

    I think in this situation the INFP may not be aware of how much power they are wielding in the situation and over the INFJ and that's dangerous and bad for both of them. So it's up to the OP to act in her best interests. I seriously think sticking around too long in such a muddled situation just makes things worse and kills, or at least seriously delays, any chance for a functional happy relationship if it's gonna even happen.

    Sorry if I was misreading what you were disagreeing with.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

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