[INFJ] INFJ... What the heck is going on??

[Arclight]

No Exit
You ask if she in some way knew what she was doing?
Well yes, in the same way that an addict knows that they are destroying theselves with every hit they take. You know its bad, but you just cant seem to help it, or step away from the compulsive/impulse.
Lets keep it to the one specific pivotal point at which things seem to have taken turns for the worse.
You say you were careless and tossed her aside a few times due to your own insecurities, but that you never intended to hurt her. The intent (if shes smart) would have been obvious to her, she may have known you intended no malice, but the actions still whammed into her like a speeding train. The actions hit her full on in that vunerable spot that is her deepest fears. Its an unstoppable reaction, a lashing back out at you.. blow for blow was how she saw it. She may have wanted to stop the fight,.. but once you're running on fear fuelled adrenaline, your INFJ mouth engages and the verbal damage inflicted on the poor P person is heavy.
In all her venom against you, in her push/pull/hot/cold,..she was probably as sincere as you in wanting to work it out and be happy, but J cannot rely or feel safe with P when the J is already fearful and insecure. What a fearful J craves is security, definateness, consistency,..in order to feel like they're not balanced on a very wobby foundation.
Your P could not give that security, no matter what the inent was, it did hurt.
Is that her fault? Your fault? nope,.. just two different people getting together, each seeking something in the other that they could not give, cos they didnt have it.
She wanted security and certainty, you wanted to be able to figure stuff out and come to your own realisations without being 'directed' by the J.
Here are some of the venomous barbs i layed out to my P person whilst feeling hurt
'Youre weak willed!'
Pathetic!
You're insensitive and selfish.
'You couldnt make a decison and stick to it if you tried!'
You're messing me about, playing with me, changing your mind.
You have no real opinions on anything!
You're like a bit of driftwood.

Some of his to me..
You're standards and opinions on things are so rigid, and you're sooo judgemental on me and everyone/everything else!
You try to control me!'
You rant and rave and say the most horrible things to me
You're like a split personality!'
You're manipulative, you pretend to care about me, but you just want to rule my life.
'Dont tell me what to do and what to think!
You're venomous and hypocritical!'
Any/all of these sound familiar?
Meh, No exit, its just two incompatible people trying to turn each other into different things, a J trying to make a P into a J, and vice versa.
Its just one insecure fearful reactionary J, fighting for what she saw as her right to assert herself, and her boundaries, but in an altogether far too fear based reactionary way,... and a P who never really knew that his prevarication was causing so much hurt and fear.
two very hurt and bewildered people who like/love each other, but cant seem to be what the other one wants them to be.
So, if any of that rings true for you, think of it like this, neither you nor her are to 'blame' per se,... you both just chose the wrong person to get your needs from. In an ideal world, we would all take a step back from our emotions and motivations and discuss things calmly and rationally, but emotions and indeed human beings dont work like that.
Again, I'll say this, if its TOO difficult, and angsty, then its best to part with affection intact, and no hard feelings, if possible. yes, theres sadness it didnt work, but no ill will

Oh, and yes,.. as INFJ's are future orientated, theres every possibility I stole into the background of your dream, as a representative of your girlfreinds inner conflicts, complete with Rocker T shirt
Good luck, my freind, and dont be hard on yerself, its taken me to 40 years old to realise what I was doing and what part I play in my own downfall, cut yourself, and your ex some slack
Love G. x

Thanks again GW..

I am not so sure it was the P/J divide.
We both scored quite close to 50% on that scale ..
In fact she always tested as an INFP , never once did she test as an INFJ.. she just took a function test that scored her INFP but "suggested" she could be an INFJ and she decided that was the case.
In our case it was more an Fi vs Fi and both of us perceiving the other to lack Fe.
We got along great , so I wouldn't even say we were incompatible, In fact we were the best friend that each has ever had.
neither of us wanted to face a few certain realities and by not doing so,, we tore each other apart.. we built our relationship on shaky ground and When I couldn't trust her, she needed me to and I failed.. and when I needed her to trust me , she failed.
Both of us felt like complete failures, both of us had to step outside our moral boundaries in order to be together... and doing so sent us both into shadow land. neither of us were healthy.

But you still seem to have a pretty good grip on the dynamics of things anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to share your insight.

Oh and one other question then.. So what could you tell me about projection in a situation like this?

 

[BlueScreen]

INFJs are introverts. As are INFPs. Fe might make some difference, but look at your extroverted cousins the ENFP. Fi doesn't really make them totally socially inept (or does it? ).

 

[Arclight]

INFJs are introverts. As are INFPs. Fe might make some difference, but look at your extroverted cousins the ENFP. Fi doesn't really make them totally socially inept (or does it? ).

ENFPs are mostly lovely , but they can be very unaware of the effect they have on people it seems to me. In some respects they are socially clueless.

 

[Tikka]

Many INFJs come from a long way, in which they misunderstood the world and themselves.

I think you're describing healthy, fully matured INFJs versus INFJs that are still soul searching.

 

[vince]

I think you're describing healthy, fully matured INFJs versus INFJs that are still soul searching.

INFJs are always soul searching. But I see your point.

 

[Karen]

Somewhere in the middle

Hi..

I have a question for INFJs , or really anyone who cares to chime in.

It seems to me there are two kinds of INFJs and I am confused.
My confusion comes from a serious misunderstanding of Fe vs Fi.
As my knowledge about these two functions increases so does my confusion.

Fe is the auxiliary function. from what I understand about Fe and it's difference to Fi, why does it seem that many INFJs are actually Fi users?
What I mean is.. Why are so many INFJs loners, socially awkward and not able to get along with the general population??
Why does someone that is wired for social grace often seem to lack a sense of belonging to something they understand so deeply?
Doesn't being strong in Fe almost guarantee a socially adept person?

I see this in some INFJs..a strong sense of social responsibility and an ability to be accountable for themselves . Those who seem to understand their role in life and who thrive.
Then there is the lonely INFJ.. who is often bitter and unwilling to see how their own behavior causes much of their discomfort.. they seem unwilling to embrace others and don't know how to fit in or seem to understand social situations. They complain of feeling alienated and seem to often blame others for their miscommunications and conflict..
This says to me weak Fe .. but how can that be??

Is this a case of mistyping?
are they INFPs who are kidding themselves?
Or.. is there something more to it?
For example is it Ni related?

I would love some insight.

Thank You

Hi - I am an INFJ somewhere in the middle of the two INFJ's which you described. Although I would never dream of blaming others for my own discomfort, at 52 (and being a widow whose husband used to eloquently speak for both of us!, which I appreciated only after he passed away!), and now learning about myself all over again as an individual rather than as a member of a couple, I have learned that joining in get-togethers which have a function to them (e.g., preparing for a church fair or playing a game) is smooth sailing; however, attending get-togethers which revolve around every day talk (for instance, no tasks to complete or life events to discuss) is painfully awkward because there seems to be little opportunity to give from an emotional perspective. If I cannot give in some way, the discussion seems unnecessary (that sounds terrible). The best way that I can contribute to a group/community is by way of writing in a supportive and loving manner (e.g., via church newsletters). Otherwise, I can usually be found either at home or on a solo journey. Thank you and take care and I hope that this adds to your discussion. Karen