^^^ yes exactly. if you can get a valium for a dentist visit you should be able to get one for that as well...especially given your history and god it makes me mad how an experience like that just effects someone their whole life....
There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
I hate pap smears too....and your emotional reaction makes total sense considering your history. I don't even have a reason and it freaks me out. I'm somewhat more comfortable with women doing it, I suppose you might be much more comfortable with them too?
I'm supposed to go yearly and I'm overdue, should go soon. I hate being naked in front of a stranger, especially *that* naked. It doesn't help that it hurts either (for me, at least) ! Bleh...has to be done though, I guess.
I fully trust another woman doing something like a Pap Smear, but I still can't shake the paralyzing fear. Like I have to be perfect or I can't have anybody that close to me. That sort of proximity to me, and I'm literally quivering and fighting the powerful urge to run away.
Have you shared some of these thoughts with your doctor? Sometimes part of the stress can come from trying to hide our weaknesses or act in a manner that is incongruent with our inner selves (ie trying to be 'adult' and calm when inside you're freaking out)... sharing will leave you incredibly vulnerable, but it seems your other alternative is crippling fear, so you won't have much to lose.
FWIW, your response is perfectly natural given your history. Your doctors seem to understand this.. maybe you need to understand it yourself? You are not required to be perfect, calm, or cool. Sure, admire these things in others, but pretending to be these things when you're not will just give you pressure that you absolutely do not need.
I usually don't let it stop me, but I'm concerned by my reaction.
Let yourself be you. Give yourself a break.
Oh, I just read what Orobas said. Yes, that (including the Te ass-kicking part). And
I agree about the valium - I got over the female dr/male dr when my sister became a medical assistant and was choosing dr's based on ability rather than gender of the dr. I had a really bad experience as a preteen - a male dr. we were going to for hyperactivity did a full exam (not pap, but I had to take my pants off) without my parents in the room when I didn't know he was going to. I was scared of drs for years, especially male drs.
You are basically putting yourself in the place of having no control when you go to a dr. especially a gyno, I remember feeling that way. You might want to ask around to some friends about what their drs are like, my (male) gyno is actually very caring and wonderful.
I never had a problem like this with the doctor, Domino, but I feel for you. I was always shy in a locker room and I have some body issues, too. I can't relate entirely, but sympathize. Clearly your trauma has to do with the physical exam distress. Abuse like that is so evil. But you mention that you are so worried about being perfect. Are you worried the doc will see something wrong with your body? Evidently a number of women are worried enough about it to consider having cosmetic surgeries.
I can be paralyzingly looks-conscious when it comes to going out. I don't know why but I feel like if I don't look perfect, all the people who may have considered me decent looking or cute up to that point will suddenly "see" that they were mistaken all along. I guess part of me doesn't think I'm nice looking, and its some kind of ruse I have to keep up. I don't know what makes me worry about something like that, it sounds so stupid when I actually voice it, but I thought I would be brutally honest since you were and let you know you aren't alone. Maybe it is insecurity + nfj that makes us this way.
I'm going to try to access my Fi. I think that will help. Probably bringing Jaye along when it comes time.
Or I'll just knock myself out with a shoe and have it over with unconscious.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling, at least.
Yes, I've had hideous image problems since childhood. I didn't take teasing well and I got teased a lot for some reason. I was publically humiliated a few good times too about my appearance, in a fashion that would have fit a movie perfectly. This, while getting cat-called, stalked and told that my clothes were too tight to rape me.
eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
AIS Holland code