[NF] Anger/revenge/letting go...

[gigi_xo]

my exboyfriend was a psycho

I am so lucky to be rid of him


but I cant help feeling entirely furious seeing one of our mutual friends post a picture of him, my exboyfriend, and my ex's UGLY new girlfriend as his profile picture.


I just can't LET GO.

and I'm FURIOUS.
and I want to get back at him.

I want to tell him that he sucks at life & that she's UGLY

am I just being insanely immature? I feel like I based my life around him, all my daydreams and future planning, and I gave him my heart and feel like I got nothing in return.

maybe its the hopeless romantic NF in me thats angry for being proved wrong.

she's so not cute. why cant I let this gooo???


I sound like a lunatic. sorry.

 

[gromit]

I guess what matters more than feelings is how we respond to those feelings and what we do with them.

Of course you feel hurt and betrayed and angry and sad. I don't think it's immature to feel that way. Not at all. In fact, it is a pretty normal human response. Probably actually seeking revenge would be immature, though (although I hate labeling things like that), and you would probably immediately or eventually regret it...

Better to just seek wholeness.

Here are some suggestions for things that have helped me in similar situations:

Give yourself the chance to mourn, to be angry, to yell or cry, but don't dwell on it. Give it the space to exist, but don't let it fester. Instead, invest the energy you feel into a new project, a new pursuit, learning a new skill... post-relationship times are some of my most creative times of my life. So see what you can do to harness that. Finally, do some sort of private closure ceremony to help you to let go (I have recently become a huge fan of ceremonies). It can involve whatever you want, but I love symbolism, like burying something to represent a part that has died, or water for impurities being washed away, or fire or whatever. It somehow helps to give these feelings, these transitions, a physical form.

It's your life, and it will be beautiful.

 

[Moiety]

Yes, you are being insanely immature. Not because it ticks you off (you have obviously not let him go in heart yet fully) but because you'd consider getting back at him like this is some sort of game and because you mentioned more than once that she is ugly as if : a) that's a bad thing b) it fucking mattered!

What happened to being a deep ENFP?

 

[Hate]

Yes, you are being insanely immature. Not because it ticks you off (you have obviously not let him go in heart yet fully) but because you'd consider getting back at him like this is some sort of game and because you mentioned more than once that she is ugly as if : a) that's a bad thing b) it fucking mattered!

What happened to being a deep ENFP?

Ouch!

But what Sytpg says is true though. All that ugly and revenge talk ain't cool homey.. I hope that was just a spur of the moment anger thing. I've had my moments so I can't judge, but I do hope you get some closure though.

 

[Hate]

Just curious though.... If your ex-boyfriend was a psycho and your glad to be rid of him... then what exactly is the issue?

 

[Randomnity]

Chill out, don't dwell on things, distract yourself with hobbies and friendships (new or old), recognize the awesome people around you, and work towards making yourself happy instead of trying to make him miserable.

Revenge will only make things a million times worse, I promise.

 

[gigi_xo]

I guess what matters more than feelings is how we respond to those feelings and what we do with them.

Of course you feel hurt and betrayed and angry and sad. I don't think it's immature to feel that way. Not at all. In fact, it is a pretty normal human response. Probably actually seeking revenge would be immature, though (although I hate labeling things like that), and you would probably immediately or eventually regret it...

Better to just seek wholeness.

Here are some suggestions for things that have helped me in similar situations:

Give yourself the chance to mourn, to be angry, to yell or cry, but don't dwell on it. Give it the space to exist, but don't let it fester. Instead, invest the energy you feel into a new project, a new pursuit, learning a new skill... post-relationship times are some of my most creative times of my life. So see what you can do to harness that. Finally, do some sort of private closure ceremony to help you to let go (I have recently become a huge fan of ceremonies). It can involve whatever you want, but I love symbolism, like burying something to represent a part that has died, or water for impurities being washed away, or fire or whatever. It somehow helps to give these feelings, these transitions, a physical form.

It's your life, and it will be beautiful.

thank you sooo much

I think thats exactly what I needed to hear

and I dont have time for revenge, I can only focus on me & my life.

and I do need to give it time to exist. but I dont know how, I just cant let people in, and I hate being alone. I wish I knew what I needed

but this helped

 

[gigi_xo]

Chill out, don't dwell on things, distract yourself with hobbies and friendships (new or old), recognize the awesome people around you, and work towards making yourself happy instead of trying to make him miserable.

Revenge will only make things a million times worse, I promise.

I'm sure it would
there's nothing I could do anyway.
nothing worth taking time out of my life for him

 

[gigi_xo]

Just curious though.... If your ex-boyfriend was a psycho and your glad to be rid of him... then what exactly is the issue?

he was abusive for 3/4s of our 2 year relationship and I never pressed charges because I was too scared

then he told me I deserved it, and that he'd never hurt anyone else, it was all because I was a bitch

and now he gets to be happy. when he should be in jail. or alone. whatever.

I have to live with this pain & he walks away.

 

[gigi_xo]

Yes, you are being insanely immature. Not because it ticks you off (you have obviously not let him go in heart yet fully) but because you'd consider getting back at him like this is some sort of game and because you mentioned more than once that she is ugly as if : a) that's a bad thing b) it fucking mattered!

What happened to being a deep ENFP?

he always did bring out the worst in me

you want depth, I could offer you emotional insight up the wazzoo

and it was never a game, honestly our relationship was much more like a war. and I dont like loosing battles.

but c'est la vie.

 

[Not_Me]

and now he gets to be happy. when he should be in jail. or alone. whatever.

I have to live with this pain & he walks away.

His new girlfriend will soon get the same treatment you got as soon as the "honeymoon" is over. You should look her as another unwitting victim rather than as a co-conspirator.

Don't let him waste any more of your time.

 

[Moiety]

he always did bring out the worst in me

you want depth, I could offer you emotional insight up the wazzoo

I was referring to how you talked about his new girlfriend.

and it was never a game, honestly our relationship was much more like a war. and I dont like loosing battles.

but c'est la vie.

Well, I'm sorry you've gone through that, and I don't know if it's in any way related to what happened while you were with him, but if he was abusive for so long...I'd be inclined to think there is some connection : you mentioned you cant let people and in and you hate being alone. Being vulnerable with someone is normal....but hating being alone....THAT is something you need to fix. Pronto. Being "alone" should never be regarded as a bad thing. People need to be self-sufficient and say no any sort of dependency.

Do you know why he regarded you as a "bitch"? Obviously abuse is inexcusable, but was there any validity to why he regarded you that way? I'm asking because this seems like a problem of self-esteem perhaps. You can't let others be abusive towards you, and you can't give in to fear. Good self-esteem and the ability to be independent and/or single are related concepts as far as romance is concerned.

I could be way off base here, but you tell me.

 

[Hate]

he was abusive for 3/4s of our 2 year relationship and I never pressed charges because I was too scared

then he told me I deserved it, and that he'd never hurt anyone else, it was all because I was a bitch

and now he gets to be happy. when he should be in jail. or alone. whatever.

I have to live with this pain & he walks away.

I retract my last statement

Give me his address and I'll have a hit put out on him. No charge

 

[gromit]

Hey gigi... so sorry you're going through all this.

and I do need to give it time to exist. but I dont know how, I just cant let people in, and I hate being alone. I wish I knew what I needed

Some more ideas relating to giving yourself time/space to let things heal:

It is definitely important to spend time with other people, but let yourself be alone sometimes too. This could involve going for a walk, spending some time in your room by yourself, meditating... whatever feels right to you.

Write your feelings in a journal.

Listen to sad or angry music (I can give you suggestions, if you like ).

Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures that you weren't able to in the relationship.

Maybe see if your school has counseling services for students, it could be beneficial to talk to someone who is professionally trained in helping people figure things out about themselves, like how to heal and move on from traumatic experiences...

Also, do you have a close friend or family member nearby with whom you can talk about it, who can hug you and cheer you up when you need it and let you cry when you need it and eat ice cream and watch cheesy movies with you? Letting people know "I need emotional support right now" is difficult, of course, but it can help people be the kind of friends you need them to be.​

Whatever else, the important thing is that you are done with that relationship and ready to reclaim your life for yourself. It's really harder than people realize.

he was abusive for 3/4s of our 2 year relationship and I never pressed charges because I was too scared

then he told me I deserved it, and that he'd never hurt anyone else, it was all because I was a bitch

UGH. I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about filing a police report, but I'd think that would still be an option, if you were up for it. Perhaps somebody more knowledgeable can advise...

 

[gigi_xo]

Hey gigi... so sorry you're going through all this.



Some more ideas relating to giving yourself time/space to let things heal:

It is definitely important to spend time with other people, but let yourself be alone sometimes too. This could involve going for a walk, spending some time in your room by yourself, meditating... whatever feels right to you.

Write your feelings in a journal.

Listen to sad or angry music (I can give you suggestions, if you like ).

Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures that you weren't able to in the relationship.

Maybe see if your school has counseling services for students, it could be beneficial to talk to someone who is professionally trained in helping people figure things out about themselves, like how to heal and move on from traumatic experiences...

Also, do you have a close friend or family member nearby with whom you can talk about it, who can hug you and cheer you up when you need it and let you cry when you need it and eat ice cream and watch cheesy movies with you? Letting people know "I need emotional support right now" is difficult, of course, but it can help people be the kind of friends you need them to be.​

Whatever else, the important thing is that you are done with that relationship and ready to reclaim your life for yourself. It's really harder than people realize.




UGH. I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about filing a police report, but I'd think that would still be an option, if you were up for it. Perhaps somebody more knowledgeable can advise...

the suggestions are wonderful

its hard for me, because if I start feeling sad I go find someone or something to distract myself from it instead of dealing with it

and I don't trust many people so I don't like talking about what happened with anyone besides my new boyfriend and my best friend since junior high... and apparently and entire forum of strangers lol but no, this feels safer than talking to one of my friends for some reason. less vulnerable or something, idk

but yes, I like the sound of all of those things. I'll do whatever it takes. I just want to move on for good.

 

[gigi_xo]

I was referring to how you talked about his new girlfriend.



Well, I'm sorry you've gone through that, and I don't know if it's in any way related to what happened while you were with him, but if he was abusive for so long...I'd be inclined to think there is some connection : you mentioned you cant let people and in and you hate being alone. Being vulnerable with someone is normal....but hating being alone....THAT is something you need to fix. Pronto. Being "alone" should never be regarded as a bad thing. People need to be self-sufficient and say no any sort of dependency.

Do you know why he regarded you as a "bitch"? Obviously abuse is inexcusable, but was there any validity to why he regarded you that way? I'm asking because this seems like a problem of self-esteem perhaps. You can't let others be abusive towards you, and you can't give in to fear. Good self-esteem and the ability to be independent and/or single are related concepts as far as romance is concerned.

I could be way off base here, but you tell me.

to be fair, I'm alone right now, but only bc I have a headache, a hangover, and several hours of honework ahead of me

I am CAPABLE of it, but I certainly am not a fan.

and yes, I know why he hated me so much. our relationship was a disaster, and I was certainly not a very nice girlfriend all the time. he brought out the worst in me. that being said, he clearly... well, failed, at being a boyfriend.

and he always told me I needed to be more independant. but i don't know. I don't rely on my new boyfriend for everything. its a pretty give & take relationship. thats just who I was with my ex.

 

[gigi_xo]

I retract my last statement

Give me his address and I'll have a hit put out on him. No charge

thank you, kind stranger

 

[gigi_xo]

His new girlfriend will soon get the same treatment you got as soon as the "honeymoon" is over. You should look her as another unwitting victim rather than as a co-conspirator.

Don't let him waste any more of your time.

this is such an INTJish response
i like it i like the logic in it. and yes, i feel guilty for not pressing charges because not some other girl will be a victim too and its partially my fault for not doing anything about him.

and i try not to let him waste my time its just reminders are... mean.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

and I do need to give it time to exist. but I dont know how, I just cant let people in, and I hate being alone. I wish I knew what I needed

and i try not to let him waste my time its just reminders are... mean.

I definitely find myself in headspaces where I can’t figure out how to stop feeling angry at someone, in spite of not wanting to be angry and even recognizing it’s basically letting that person suck even more minutes out of my life that I'll never get back. It's usually a matter of seeing or hearing something about the person that triggers it, and it's frustrating because I will have thought I'd gotten past it. I think I the fact that I still feel it- anger I can’t easily shake- adds even another layer on top of the already existing anger.

I really like something I read by Thich Nhah Hanh about this. He compared anger to a crying baby: the more you try to ignore it until it shuts up, the more attention it will ultimately demand from you. Sometimes you have to just accept that it’s there, and let it run its course- kind of like you would with a fever. This is not to say it’s a good idea to dwell on it (with revenge fantasies and whatnot); dwelling will make it worse (kinda like going outside to shovel snow without a coat will likely make a fever worse). It’s more about accepting that it’s going to take some time for the anger to completely go away and you’re going to occasionally experience unpleasant feelings until it does. And- just like with a fever- there are things you can do to make it go away faster, but you can’t always make it go away by simply not wanting it to be there anymore.


For what it’s worth, here’s a link to the specific Thich Nhah Hanh writing that I found helpful.

 

[mr.awesome]

the person who has hurt me the most, the person i most wanted out of my life, the person who put me through the most sleepless nights and head filled with furious and emotional thoughts.
is my current girlfriend.
so i guess i dont really let my painful and negative past feelings stick with me. im aware of them and defiantly still feel the pain from the events that occurred if i let my mind wander. but in the grand scheme of things the past is the past and all we ever know is what we feel right now.
why focus on shit you will never change?