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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    and now he gets to be happy. when he should be in jail. or alone. whatever.

    I have to live with this pain & he walks away.
    His new girlfriend will soon get the same treatment you got as soon as the "honeymoon" is over. You should look her as another unwitting victim rather than as a co-conspirator.

    Don't let him waste any more of your time.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    he always did bring out the worst in me

    you want depth, I could offer you emotional insight up the wazzoo
    I was referring to how you talked about his new girlfriend.

    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    and it was never a game, honestly our relationship was much more like a war. and I dont like loosing battles.

    but c'est la vie.
    Well, I'm sorry you've gone through that, and I don't know if it's in any way related to what happened while you were with him, but if he was abusive for so long...I'd be inclined to think there is some connection : you mentioned you cant let people and in and you hate being alone. Being vulnerable with someone is normal....but hating being alone....THAT is something you need to fix. Pronto. Being "alone" should never be regarded as a bad thing. People need to be self-sufficient and say no any sort of dependency.

    Do you know why he regarded you as a "bitch"? Obviously abuse is inexcusable, but was there any validity to why he regarded you that way? I'm asking because this seems like a problem of self-esteem perhaps. You can't let others be abusive towards you, and you can't give in to fear. Good self-esteem and the ability to be independent and/or single are related concepts as far as romance is concerned.

    I could be way off base here, but you tell me.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    he was abusive for 3/4s of our 2 year relationship and I never pressed charges because I was too scared

    then he told me I deserved it, and that he'd never hurt anyone else, it was all because I was a bitch

    and now he gets to be happy. when he should be in jail. or alone. whatever.

    I have to live with this pain & he walks away.
    I retract my last statement

    Give me his address and I'll have a hit put out on him. No charge

  4. #14
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Hey gigi... so sorry you're going through all this.

    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    and I do need to give it time to exist. but I dont know how, I just cant let people in, and I hate being alone. I wish I knew what I needed
    Some more ideas relating to giving yourself time/space to let things heal:

    It is definitely important to spend time with other people, but let yourself be alone sometimes too. This could involve going for a walk, spending some time in your room by yourself, meditating... whatever feels right to you.

    Write your feelings in a journal.

    Listen to sad or angry music (I can give you suggestions, if you like ).

    Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures that you weren't able to in the relationship.

    Maybe see if your school has counseling services for students, it could be beneficial to talk to someone who is professionally trained in helping people figure things out about themselves, like how to heal and move on from traumatic experiences...

    Also, do you have a close friend or family member nearby with whom you can talk about it, who can hug you and cheer you up when you need it and let you cry when you need it and eat ice cream and watch cheesy movies with you? Letting people know "I need emotional support right now" is difficult, of course, but it can help people be the kind of friends you need them to be.


    Whatever else, the important thing is that you are done with that relationship and ready to reclaim your life for yourself. It's really harder than people realize.


    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    he was abusive for 3/4s of our 2 year relationship and I never pressed charges because I was too scared

    then he told me I deserved it, and that he'd never hurt anyone else, it was all because I was a bitch
    UGH. I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about filing a police report, but I'd think that would still be an option, if you were up for it. Perhaps somebody more knowledgeable can advise...
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  5. #15
    Senior Member gigi_xo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Hey gigi... so sorry you're going through all this.



    Some more ideas relating to giving yourself time/space to let things heal:

    It is definitely important to spend time with other people, but let yourself be alone sometimes too. This could involve going for a walk, spending some time in your room by yourself, meditating... whatever feels right to you.

    Write your feelings in a journal.

    Listen to sad or angry music (I can give you suggestions, if you like ).

    Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures that you weren't able to in the relationship.

    Maybe see if your school has counseling services for students, it could be beneficial to talk to someone who is professionally trained in helping people figure things out about themselves, like how to heal and move on from traumatic experiences...

    Also, do you have a close friend or family member nearby with whom you can talk about it, who can hug you and cheer you up when you need it and let you cry when you need it and eat ice cream and watch cheesy movies with you? Letting people know "I need emotional support right now" is difficult, of course, but it can help people be the kind of friends you need them to be.


    Whatever else, the important thing is that you are done with that relationship and ready to reclaim your life for yourself. It's really harder than people realize.




    UGH. I'm so sorry. I don't know anything about filing a police report, but I'd think that would still be an option, if you were up for it. Perhaps somebody more knowledgeable can advise...
    the suggestions are wonderful

    its hard for me, because if I start feeling sad I go find someone or something to distract myself from it instead of dealing with it

    and I don't trust many people so I don't like talking about what happened with anyone besides my new boyfriend and my best friend since junior high... and apparently and entire forum of strangers lol but no, this feels safer than talking to one of my friends for some reason. less vulnerable or something, idk

    but yes, I like the sound of all of those things. I'll do whatever it takes. I just want to move on for good.
    I live my life for the stars that shine & people say its just a waste of time- Oasis

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  6. #16
    Senior Member gigi_xo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    I was referring to how you talked about his new girlfriend.



    Well, I'm sorry you've gone through that, and I don't know if it's in any way related to what happened while you were with him, but if he was abusive for so long...I'd be inclined to think there is some connection : you mentioned you cant let people and in and you hate being alone. Being vulnerable with someone is normal....but hating being alone....THAT is something you need to fix. Pronto. Being "alone" should never be regarded as a bad thing. People need to be self-sufficient and say no any sort of dependency.

    Do you know why he regarded you as a "bitch"? Obviously abuse is inexcusable, but was there any validity to why he regarded you that way? I'm asking because this seems like a problem of self-esteem perhaps. You can't let others be abusive towards you, and you can't give in to fear. Good self-esteem and the ability to be independent and/or single are related concepts as far as romance is concerned.

    I could be way off base here, but you tell me.

    to be fair, I'm alone right now, but only bc I have a headache, a hangover, and several hours of honework ahead of me

    I am CAPABLE of it, but I certainly am not a fan.

    and yes, I know why he hated me so much. our relationship was a disaster, and I was certainly not a very nice girlfriend all the time. he brought out the worst in me. that being said, he clearly... well, failed, at being a boyfriend.

    and he always told me I needed to be more independant. but i don't know. I don't rely on my new boyfriend for everything. its a pretty give & take relationship. thats just who I was with my ex.
    I live my life for the stars that shine & people say its just a waste of time- Oasis

    Extroverted (E) 65.63% Introverted (I) 34.38%
    Intuitive (N) 89.31% Sensing (S) 10.69%
    Feeling (F) 74.29% Thinking (T) 25.71%
    Perceiving (P) 74.19% Judging (J) 25.81%


    3w4

  7. #17
    Senior Member gigi_xo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedruM View Post
    I retract my last statement

    Give me his address and I'll have a hit put out on him. No charge
    thank you, kind stranger
    Last edited by Patches; 12-20-2013 at 02:05 AM.
    I live my life for the stars that shine & people say its just a waste of time- Oasis

    Extroverted (E) 65.63% Introverted (I) 34.38%
    Intuitive (N) 89.31% Sensing (S) 10.69%
    Feeling (F) 74.29% Thinking (T) 25.71%
    Perceiving (P) 74.19% Judging (J) 25.81%


    3w4

  8. #18
    Senior Member gigi_xo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Not_Me View Post
    His new girlfriend will soon get the same treatment you got as soon as the "honeymoon" is over. You should look her as another unwitting victim rather than as a co-conspirator.

    Don't let him waste any more of your time.

    this is such an INTJish response
    i like it i like the logic in it. and yes, i feel guilty for not pressing charges because not some other girl will be a victim too and its partially my fault for not doing anything about him.

    and i try not to let him waste my time its just reminders are... mean.
    I live my life for the stars that shine & people say its just a waste of time- Oasis

    Extroverted (E) 65.63% Introverted (I) 34.38%
    Intuitive (N) 89.31% Sensing (S) 10.69%
    Feeling (F) 74.29% Thinking (T) 25.71%
    Perceiving (P) 74.19% Judging (J) 25.81%


    3w4

  9. #19
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    and I do need to give it time to exist. but I dont know how, I just cant let people in, and I hate being alone. I wish I knew what I needed
    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    and i try not to let him waste my time its just reminders are... mean.
    I definitely find myself in headspaces where I can’t figure out how to stop feeling angry at someone, in spite of not wanting to be angry and even recognizing it’s basically letting that person suck even more minutes out of my life that I'll never get back. It's usually a matter of seeing or hearing something about the person that triggers it, and it's frustrating because I will have thought I'd gotten past it. I think I the fact that I still feel it- anger I can’t easily shake- adds even another layer on top of the already existing anger.

    I really like something I read by Thich Nhah Hanh about this. He compared anger to a crying baby: the more you try to ignore it until it shuts up, the more attention it will ultimately demand from you. Sometimes you have to just accept that it’s there, and let it run its course- kind of like you would with a fever. This is not to say it’s a good idea to dwell on it (with revenge fantasies and whatnot); dwelling will make it worse (kinda like going outside to shovel snow without a coat will likely make a fever worse). It’s more about accepting that it’s going to take some time for the anger to completely go away and you’re going to occasionally experience unpleasant feelings until it does. And- just like with a fever- there are things you can do to make it go away faster, but you can’t always make it go away by simply not wanting it to be there anymore.


    For what it’s worth, here’s a link to the specific Thich Nhah Hanh writing that I found helpful.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  10. #20
    Senior Member mr.awesome's Avatar
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    the person who has hurt me the most, the person i most wanted out of my life, the person who put me through the most sleepless nights and head filled with furious and emotional thoughts.
    is my current girlfriend.
    so i guess i dont really let my painful and negative past feelings stick with me. im aware of them and defiantly still feel the pain from the events that occurred if i let my mind wander. but in the grand scheme of things the past is the past and all we ever know is what we feel right now.
    why focus on shit you will never change?
    my etsy Morphochroma

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    but most people they can't tell.

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