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  1. #1
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Default Anorexia and recovery

    I'm not sure which types are most likely to have anorexia...

    I know I'm an ENF for sure, so I thought I could post this here.

    I'm a recovering anorexic. My husband wants no part in supporting through this...except paying for a nutritionist once every 2 months and a therapist.

    I can't afford support groups.

    I've been anorexic since I was abused when I was really young...

    I'm having a really hard time right now. For the first time in my life, I'm almost at a normal weight. I'm not binging on sugar or starving myself! And now all the emotions are here!! And I can't stop crying. Hubby is going on a bike trip without me. We used to be religious Jews...and we're still part of the community (they're our clients for our business!) so I have to follow all of the rules publicly. This means no leaving the house (they don't drive) Friday sundown till Sat sundown. Btw, I think he NEEDS this trip I encouraged him to take it. And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I want him to go and have a good time...I just don't want to feel this way...

    My husband is a 5w4 on the enneagram (don't know his MBTI type yet), and so he feels a lot but doesn't express it and pushes it away a lot. Lately our business is picking up (which is great...it's an artistic business we're trying to make work out full time...he works full time in a different profession in the meantime), but our lives are so busy! Especially as he is s 5...he's very preoccupied in his head with everything going on. This is very difficult for me...especially now that I can't just numb out my feelings and fears, etc. No more starving myself!!

    I called my therapist but she never calls me back and she never seems to have openings in her schedule if I ever call for a last minute appointment. (I know I need support...which is why I'm posting here!) I think I'm doing a great job at recovery...

    My husband doesn't seem to think it's happening fast enough, my recovery. I have nightmares that he's going to leave me. I have been reassured he will not, especially after 7 years together! But I'm soo scared right now! Why should he WANT me? I'm very emotional. I have issues. He hates that I can go from being happy to crying because of something he says (maybe my prolem is that I believ I have to earn his love and be perfect to get it?)

    I just need to know that it's all in my head. That my mind/my OCD is getting the better of me. he isn't leaving. He may be frustrated that I'm not recovered....but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or he's gonna leave.

    I hate being such a scaredy six!! I need to go to my nine space and have some faith! Any suggestions?

    Also...what would you do if you were cooped up at home, alone, and scared (I get scared of being abused again at night...)? Unfortunately, we moved here for the religious community and we never made friendships there...and now we're in a city where we have no friends!

    Thanks if you've read all of this ((hugs))

    luna~

    P.S. If you have anorexia and are recovering/in recovery I would love your support!! Feel free to PM me, that would be great! I'm proud of my recovery...but it would sure help to have some friends who have been there! :-)

  2. #2
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Default

    Do you also have BPD?

    Just curious.

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  3. #3
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Default

    Bipolar disorder? Or borderline personality disorder? No to the 1st...the 2nd was considered as a possibility by a neuropsych. why do you ask?

  4. #4
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Default

    Regardless, dialectical behavioral therapy seems to help me a lot, I am not anorexic or bulimic, but I have a history of engaging in self destructive behavior, because I was abused.



    My sister is in recovery for bulimarexia, she has good months and bad months, I don't know if there is necessarily a cure! :confused:

    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  5. #5
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I believe that 25% of people with BPD have eating disorders, and the way your therapist is "ignoring" you, and the fact that you were a victim of childhood abuse, all of these things are pretty indicative of BPD.

    I've been diagnosed by two psychiatrists as having it, I'm not sure, I think I display some of the symptoms, but certainly not all, or most.

    Regardless.

    This is the shit.



    Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  6. #6
    Phantonym
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    Thank you for sharing. It's good that you're here so you can vent and I'm sure we can give you at least some kind of support (I'm taking the liberty of speaking for others ). You are definitely not alone. I can agree with you, you are doing a great job at recovery because you are being honest with yourself, you are acknowledging that you are having a hard time and you are trying to deal with it. That is a healthy way to go about this in my opinion.

    The fears and doubts you have are most probably in your head. I know how emotions can start to overflow and make everything seem much worse than they are. Have you tried some relaxing techniques, meditation maybe? It might help to stay focused on the positive thoughts instead of being succumbed by the negative thoughts.

    I wish I could give you more constructive advice. But just that you know, you are not alone.

  7. #7
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    What is dialectical therapy? Did you mean bipolar or borderline, btw? I'm sorry you were abused ((hugs)) Are you over it? I'm sick of being a victim! (Which is why I eat now)

    My nutritionist has a wall of recovery in her office!! I'm convinced I'm going to join that wall! She believes you can recover completely! If you deal with your emotions It's not about the food at all!

    I love to cook and eat now I only have 5lbs left to gain! I am eating a mostly vegan diet...and that made a huge difference for me! I felt like I was doing something to make the world a better place. Now the issue is simply...how to deal with all of the emotions that arise! All my life, I've starved them, fed them sugar, or numbed out in some way. That's not for me anymore! I can tell this means I'm healing...and I'm excited about that...

    I know it's gonna be hard/scary while hubby's gone...I need a plan! Some things I can do to make it so that I can ENJOY my time alone as much as he does! I journaled about it all morning and I haven't come up with much...I did write all the things I WOULD do if we could afford them...that calmed me down a bit It's the stupid fears that keep me knocked down...

    Thanks again for reading ((hugs)) I'm glad you found a therapy that helps you! That's great

  8. #8
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    God, I wish I could hug you . It sounds like you need a lot of social support, and aren't getting it. Your husband only wants to pay for a nutritionist and therapist, and feels that your recovery isn't happening fast enough, correct? You two need to sit down and find a way to get you (and possibly him) into a support group. I included your husband because there are probably special challenges in a relationship where one party has been abused. It always helps for him to be as educated as possible in what you're going through.

    Perhaps there's a group out there that doesn't cost money... not necessarily a therapy group so much as a group of like-minded people helping eachother overcome a shared problem. Check the internet. I'm sorry for how hard this is, and I hope you find the support you need.

    "OMG I FEEEEEEEEEL SO INTENSELY ABOUT EVERYTHING OMG OMG OMG GET ME A XANAX" -Priam (ENFP impersonation)

  9. #9
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Btw, I don't think my therapist is "ignoring" me. this is just the way she is!! it's not personal for me...it just means she's unavailable for support until our next appointment and I know I could use some support today So I thought I'd post! She has ADD...she's actually called me back a day later once when I called for an earlier appointment and said "I forgot to call you back...I didn't have any openings!) :-) Sorry if it came across as I thought she was ignoring me!

    I never looked into BPD after the neuropsych said I might have it. I'm tired of getting diagnosed with things. I'm tired of the labels! I think it just keeps me a victim! I'm reading the link you sent...I'm interested in a type of therapy I've never heard of before, thanks!

  10. #10
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Thank you for sharing. It's good that you're here so you can vent and I'm sure we can give you at least some kind of support (I'm taking the liberty of speaking for others ). You are definitely not alone. I can agree with you, you are doing a great job at recovery because you are being honest with yourself, you are acknowledging that you are having a hard time and you are trying to deal with it. That is a healthy way to go about this in my opinion.

    The fears and doubts you have are most probably in your head. I know how emotions can start to overflow and make everything seem much worse than they are. Have you tried some relaxing techniques, meditation maybe? It might help to stay focused on the positive thoughts instead of being succumbed by the negative thoughts.

    I wish I could give you more constructive advice. But just that you know, you are not alone.
    Wow....thank you is an understatement! ((hugs)) My brain LOVES to play tricks on me. "He's gonna leave you" seems like one of the only tactics it has left to get me to starve (dumb anorexia!!) That's me drowning it out btw! It probably is just my brain telling me he doesn't love me anymore, etc. It's not the 1st time it's told me that!! I hope it's the last though!!

    Meditation is tough for me. I did one this morning! i'm doing Dr. Schubiner's mind body program. I think I need a way to just stop replaying hubby's negative statements in my head all the time...and replace it with positive ones! just cause he's frustrated or upset with me doesn't mean it's over...even if it DOES feel that way!

    I was kinda warned that when you recover, all this stuff comes out. You end up having to make new dynamics in relationships. I'm scared he'll leave me if I stand up for myself (I doubt that's true...and if he felt that way, honestly, we probably shouldn't be together anyway!) when I have stood up for myself...I end up crying afterward which just negates the whole thing anyway.

    I think I need to find some way of doing something positive for myself while he's away. I already decided I'm going to make myself a nice supper...with some wine...and a carob dessert! (I love cooking/baking!) Other than that...I'm not sure?

    I finally feel like someone understands! I saw my nutritionist this week and she told me I should have texted her when I got my period (huge deal for anorexics since in the disease most women don't weigh enough to get one!), and I didn't understand her. She told me I should e-mail her or text her about big things...at least once a week. I started bawling! I was overwhelmed because no one has ever given me that kind of love/compassion before. She told me I deserve to be loved because I exist. Can you believe that? Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever heard? :-) I actually called her a little while ago...I know she'll call me back as soon as she can!

    ((Sky is Blue)) thanks for being here for me! Sorry I wrote you like a novel Btw, I hope you can get your avatar to work soon!! It must be soo frustrating not being able to express yourself in that way!

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