[MBTI General] Anorexia and recovery

[lunalove]

I'm not sure which types are most likely to have anorexia...

I know I'm an ENF for sure, so I thought I could post this here.

I'm a recovering anorexic. My husband wants no part in supporting through this...except paying for a nutritionist once every 2 months and a therapist.

I can't afford support groups.

I've been anorexic since I was abused when I was really young...

I'm having a really hard time right now. For the first time in my life, I'm almost at a normal weight. I'm not binging on sugar or starving myself! And now all the emotions are here!! And I can't stop crying. Hubby is going on a bike trip without me. We used to be religious Jews...and we're still part of the community (they're our clients for our business!) so I have to follow all of the rules publicly. This means no leaving the house (they don't drive) Friday sundown till Sat sundown. Btw, I think he NEEDS this trip I encouraged him to take it. And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I want him to go and have a good time...I just don't want to feel this way...

My husband is a 5w4 on the enneagram (don't know his MBTI type yet), and so he feels a lot but doesn't express it and pushes it away a lot. Lately our business is picking up (which is great...it's an artistic business we're trying to make work out full time...he works full time in a different profession in the meantime), but our lives are so busy! Especially as he is s 5...he's very preoccupied in his head with everything going on. This is very difficult for me...especially now that I can't just numb out my feelings and fears, etc. No more starving myself!!

I called my therapist but she never calls me back and she never seems to have openings in her schedule if I ever call for a last minute appointment. (I know I need support...which is why I'm posting here!) I think I'm doing a great job at recovery...

My husband doesn't seem to think it's happening fast enough, my recovery. I have nightmares that he's going to leave me. I have been reassured he will not, especially after 7 years together! But I'm soo scared right now! Why should he WANT me? I'm very emotional. I have issues. He hates that I can go from being happy to crying because of something he says (maybe my prolem is that I believ I have to earn his love and be perfect to get it?)

I just need to know that it's all in my head. That my mind/my OCD is getting the better of me. he isn't leaving. He may be frustrated that I'm not recovered....but it doesn't mean he doesn't love me or he's gonna leave.

I hate being such a scaredy six!! I need to go to my nine space and have some faith! Any suggestions?

Also...what would you do if you were cooped up at home, alone, and scared (I get scared of being abused again at night...)? Unfortunately, we moved here for the religious community and we never made friendships there...and now we're in a city where we have no friends!

Thanks if you've read all of this ((hugs))

luna~

P.S. If you have anorexia and are recovering/in recovery I would love your support!! Feel free to PM me, that would be great! I'm proud of my recovery...but it would sure help to have some friends who have been there!

 

[SillySapienne]

Do you also have BPD?

Just curious.

 

[lunalove]

Bipolar disorder? Or borderline personality disorder? No to the 1st...the 2nd was considered as a possibility by a neuropsych. why do you ask?

 

[SillySapienne]

Regardless, dialectical behavioral therapy seems to help me a lot, I am not anorexic or bulimic, but I have a history of engaging in self destructive behavior, because I was abused.



My sister is in recovery for bulimarexia, she has good months and bad months, I don't know if there is necessarily a cure!

 

[SillySapienne]

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I believe that 25% of people with BPD have eating disorders, and the way your therapist is "ignoring" you, and the fact that you were a victim of childhood abuse, all of these things are pretty indicative of BPD.

I've been diagnosed by two psychiatrists as having it, I'm not sure, I think I display some of the symptoms, but certainly not all, or most.

Regardless.

This is the shit.



Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Phantonym]

Thank you for sharing. It's good that you're here so you can vent and I'm sure we can give you at least some kind of support (I'm taking the liberty of speaking for others ). You are definitely not alone. I can agree with you, you are doing a great job at recovery because you are being honest with yourself, you are acknowledging that you are having a hard time and you are trying to deal with it. That is a healthy way to go about this in my opinion.

The fears and doubts you have are most probably in your head. I know how emotions can start to overflow and make everything seem much worse than they are. Have you tried some relaxing techniques, meditation maybe? It might help to stay focused on the positive thoughts instead of being succumbed by the negative thoughts.

I wish I could give you more constructive advice. But just that you know, you are not alone.

 

[lunalove]

What is dialectical therapy? Did you mean bipolar or borderline, btw? I'm sorry you were abused ((hugs)) Are you over it? I'm sick of being a victim! (Which is why I eat now)

My nutritionist has a wall of recovery in her office!! I'm convinced I'm going to join that wall! She believes you can recover completely! If you deal with your emotions It's not about the food at all!

I love to cook and eat now I only have 5lbs left to gain! I am eating a mostly vegan diet...and that made a huge difference for me! I felt like I was doing something to make the world a better place. Now the issue is simply...how to deal with all of the emotions that arise! All my life, I've starved them, fed them sugar, or numbed out in some way. That's not for me anymore! I can tell this means I'm healing...and I'm excited about that...

I know it's gonna be hard/scary while hubby's gone...I need a plan! Some things I can do to make it so that I can ENJOY my time alone as much as he does! I journaled about it all morning and I haven't come up with much...I did write all the things I WOULD do if we could afford them...that calmed me down a bit It's the stupid fears that keep me knocked down...

Thanks again for reading ((hugs)) I'm glad you found a therapy that helps you! That's great

 

[phoenix13]

God, I wish I could hug you . It sounds like you need a lot of social support, and aren't getting it. Your husband only wants to pay for a nutritionist and therapist, and feels that your recovery isn't happening fast enough, correct? You two need to sit down and find a way to get you (and possibly him) into a support group. I included your husband because there are probably special challenges in a relationship where one party has been abused. It always helps for him to be as educated as possible in what you're going through.

Perhaps there's a group out there that doesn't cost money... not necessarily a therapy group so much as a group of like-minded people helping eachother overcome a shared problem. Check the internet. I'm sorry for how hard this is, and I hope you find the support you need.

 

[lunalove]

Btw, I don't think my therapist is "ignoring" me. this is just the way she is!! it's not personal for me...it just means she's unavailable for support until our next appointment and I know I could use some support today So I thought I'd post! She has ADD...she's actually called me back a day later once when I called for an earlier appointment and said "I forgot to call you back...I didn't have any openings!) Sorry if it came across as I thought she was ignoring me!

I never looked into BPD after the neuropsych said I might have it. I'm tired of getting diagnosed with things. I'm tired of the labels! I think it just keeps me a victim! I'm reading the link you sent...I'm interested in a type of therapy I've never heard of before, thanks!

 

[lunalove]

Thank you for sharing. It's good that you're here so you can vent and I'm sure we can give you at least some kind of support (I'm taking the liberty of speaking for others ). You are definitely not alone. I can agree with you, you are doing a great job at recovery because you are being honest with yourself, you are acknowledging that you are having a hard time and you are trying to deal with it. That is a healthy way to go about this in my opinion.

The fears and doubts you have are most probably in your head. I know how emotions can start to overflow and make everything seem much worse than they are. Have you tried some relaxing techniques, meditation maybe? It might help to stay focused on the positive thoughts instead of being succumbed by the negative thoughts.

I wish I could give you more constructive advice. But just that you know, you are not alone.

Wow....thank you is an understatement! ((hugs)) My brain LOVES to play tricks on me. "He's gonna leave you" seems like one of the only tactics it has left to get me to starve (dumb anorexia!!) That's me drowning it out btw! It probably is just my brain telling me he doesn't love me anymore, etc. It's not the 1st time it's told me that!! I hope it's the last though!!

Meditation is tough for me. I did one this morning! i'm doing Dr. Schubiner's mind body program. I think I need a way to just stop replaying hubby's negative statements in my head all the time...and replace it with positive ones! just cause he's frustrated or upset with me doesn't mean it's over...even if it DOES feel that way!

I was kinda warned that when you recover, all this stuff comes out. You end up having to make new dynamics in relationships. I'm scared he'll leave me if I stand up for myself (I doubt that's true...and if he felt that way, honestly, we probably shouldn't be together anyway!) when I have stood up for myself...I end up crying afterward which just negates the whole thing anyway.

I think I need to find some way of doing something positive for myself while he's away. I already decided I'm going to make myself a nice supper...with some wine...and a carob dessert! (I love cooking/baking!) Other than that...I'm not sure?

I finally feel like someone understands! I saw my nutritionist this week and she told me I should have texted her when I got my period (huge deal for anorexics since in the disease most women don't weigh enough to get one!), and I didn't understand her. She told me I should e-mail her or text her about big things...at least once a week. I started bawling! I was overwhelmed because no one has ever given me that kind of love/compassion before. She told me I deserve to be loved because I exist. Can you believe that? Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever heard? I actually called her a little while ago...I know she'll call me back as soon as she can!

((Sky is Blue)) thanks for being here for me! Sorry I wrote you like a novel Btw, I hope you can get your avatar to work soon!! It must be soo frustrating not being able to express yourself in that way!

 

[gromit]

AHHH lunalove...!!! I'm sorry I can only offer you internet support. I think you are amazing, and strong, and brave. Truly.

 

[lunalove]

God, I wish I could hug you . It sounds like you need a lot of social support, and aren't getting it. Your husband only wants to pay for a nutritionist and therapist, and feels that your recovery isn't happening fast enough, correct? You two need to sit down and find a way to get you (and possibly him) into a support group. I included your husband because there are probably special challenges in a relationship where one party has been abused. It always helps for him to be as educated as possible in what you're going through.

Perhaps there's a group out there that doesn't cost money... not necessarily a therapy group so much as a group of like-minded people helping eachother overcome a shared problem. Check the internet. I'm sorry for how hard this is, and I hope you find the support you need.

((phoenix)) thanks!! My therapist says therapy isn't the right thing for hubby atm. I think she's right! We've spent a lot of time fixing in our relationship...he can't handle more right now!

We've made incredible progress! Sometimes it just feels like I'm the only one who sees it. Sometimes that's enough...for me to see it. Sometimes it's hard when he doesn't. BUT I can only work on myself. Not on him!

I went to the only free group there was where I live and it's disbanded! I know I can recover without the support as I AM recovering...it just makes it harder. I guess I came here because it felt like a safe, open place with caring people. I was right! Sometimes...keeping things inside allows the disease a way in to take hold of you and crush you! I know when the anorexia is trying to take over and I reach out (usually to hubby) immediately! I feel like our marriage has had enough and I need FRIENDS to lean on. I can't wait until our company is strong enough that I can walk outside in jeans and a t-shirt (I have to wear a skirt and long sleeves all the time to fit in with the religious community!)

The community makes recovery difficult as I can't express myself. A HUGE part of recovery is finding your voice and your identity. One thing I'm definitely doing this weekend is wearing watever I feel like, painting my nails different colors, and blasting some rock music when Shabbat is over on Sunday!! I'm tired of feeling so trapped

Btw, I completely respect all religions and beliefs. I just don't believe in religion now...only in god! Being religious made me rigid and it hurt me in soo many ways. It just wasn't for me

Thanks for caring Phoenix

 

[lunalove]

AHHH lunalove...!!! I'm sorry I can only offer you internet support. I think you are amazing, and strong, and brave. Truly.

Wow, thanks Gromit Sometimes, it helps to hear that I'm doing something right! My brain loves to tell me what I do wrong...the more amo I have to fight it off with the better!! "takes a baseball bat and whacks the negativity out of the atmosphere" score!

 

[kyuuei]

I wish I could add something.. but I know about as much about this as the guy that won the hot-dog eating contest. I can't fathom it, or grasp the concept in my head. It's beyond me.

But, I know it's a real disorder, and it does exist. It seems as if illnesses are cured with a precise problem. Disorders like this have no precise location or trigger.. many things cause it.. and without a root cause, people tend to not know how to solve a problem. It's difficult to treat things like that.

I hope you find the intestinal fortitude within yourself to get past this. I have a feeling it's much like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, insert-any-addiction-here.. it's a daily battle against yourself to re-create barriers you broke down long ago. I hope you find the support you need.

 

[lunalove]

I wish I could add something.. but I know about as much about this as the guy that won the hot-dog eating contest. I can't fathom it, or grasp the concept in my head. It's beyond me.

But, I know it's a real disorder, and it does exist. It seems as if illnesses are cured with a precise problem. Disorders like this have no precise location or trigger.. many things cause it.. and without a root cause, people tend to not know how to solve a problem. It's difficult to treat things like that.

I hope you find the intestinal fortitude within yourself to get past this. I have a feeling it's much like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, insert-any-addiction-here.. it's a daily battle against yourself to re-create barriers you broke down long ago. I hope you find the support you need.

Thanks It is an addiction of sorts! i do know what caused it for me actually. I can pinpoint the day it began. Then it grew into fulfilling other needs and avoidances. it was a great way for me to cope at the time. It's not working for me anymore so I am letting it go more every day!

My nutritionist says you can recover from anorexia when you learn to deal with your emotions. Every time I deal with an emotion rather than stuffing it down by starving myself or obsessing about something, I am one step closer to recovery. There are women who had anorexia that do this without thinking about it! I am almost one of them

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I'm really making it. My final steps are the completion of self identity/finding my voice! and of course loving my body. But that's not the real issue. Anorexia, to me, is a distraction from facing something painful. It's my brians way of keeping me from feeling things I need to feel. I feel so much so often so deeply...things I kept burried for years! It's one of the most difficult and rewarding things I've ever done. But I know I can do it...and so can anyone!

Btw, I like your avatar! A female warrior!! That's awesome!

 

[lunalove]

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I believe that 25% of people with BPD have eating disorders, and the way your therapist is "ignoring" you, and the fact that you were a victim of childhood abuse, all of these things are pretty indicative of BPD.

I've been diagnosed by two psychiatrists as having it, I'm not sure, I think I display some of the symptoms, but certainly not all, or most.

Regardless.

This is the shit.



Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This therapy sounds amazing! Sending you a PM about it,

 

[lunalove]

Update: My plan:

With the help of all of you and my "anorexia support team" I have made a plan:

1) Deep breathing

2) Bubble baths

3) Candlelight dinner with wine and whatever creation I make to eat!

4) Make sure I get outdoors

5) Make sure I drink enough water/get enough vitamins

6) Hula hoop, dance, walk, etc

7) Get videos, screw the cost!

8) Read

9) Finger paint

And anything else I come up with! If I get scared, I can watch a video until I fall back to sleep...or do any of the other things mentioned above!

AND the best part is...I don't have to cook for hubby Just for me (he doesn't eat my food normally!)

Thanks for all the love and support ((hugs)) for everyone!!

luna~

P.S. I forgot two more! Journaling (the most important!) and posting here

 

[gromit]

Sounds like a great plan... And definitely keep posting here...

 

[lunalove]

Thanks Gromit! ((hugs)) I've never met such an encouraging bunch of people! I will keep posting here...but hopefully, this weekend I'll be too busy having fun enjoying some quality time with me to post too much! Wish me luck and light!

 

[somers90]

Luna. I admire your spirit tremendously. Years ago I was suffering from an eating disoder, partially bulimic and anorexic. I had no support as I was a student then and had no money for any sort of treatment. Only a friend knew of my ailment and tried with all of his might to get me to eat more. Several dangerous episodes of constant nose bleeding, fainting spells and most significantly, a book, however, snapped me out of it.

I don't have a lot of helping words to offer as I believe every case and everyone is different. I will say this, from experience that you will get better day by day and the journey will only get easier, as long as you keep at it. I also believe that yes, once you come out of the eating bit (it took me 2 1/2 years to complete recover), you may have emotional swirly-whirly phases, for the lack of a better word. Stay grounded and strong and keep focus.

It definitely helps to be pre-occupied with stuff that you love doing. For me, it was music, joining bands, playing gigs, meeting new musician friends, studying music again, learning new instruments, etc. I got better almost without any effort and at the same time, managed to remold my life around my passion and other hobbies in between instead of resorting to self-destructive tendencies. Keep happy things and happy people around you.

Good luck and all my warmest wishes to you.