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  1. #11
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    AHHH lunalove...!!! I'm sorry I can only offer you internet support. I think you are amazing, and strong, and brave. Truly.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  2. #12
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    God, I wish I could hug you . It sounds like you need a lot of social support, and aren't getting it. Your husband only wants to pay for a nutritionist and therapist, and feels that your recovery isn't happening fast enough, correct? You two need to sit down and find a way to get you (and possibly him) into a support group. I included your husband because there are probably special challenges in a relationship where one party has been abused. It always helps for him to be as educated as possible in what you're going through.

    Perhaps there's a group out there that doesn't cost money... not necessarily a therapy group so much as a group of like-minded people helping eachother overcome a shared problem. Check the internet. I'm sorry for how hard this is, and I hope you find the support you need.
    ((phoenix)) thanks!! My therapist says therapy isn't the right thing for hubby atm. I think she's right! We've spent a lot of time fixing in our relationship...he can't handle more right now!

    We've made incredible progress! Sometimes it just feels like I'm the only one who sees it. Sometimes that's enough...for me to see it. Sometimes it's hard when he doesn't. BUT I can only work on myself. Not on him!

    I went to the only free group there was where I live and it's disbanded! I know I can recover without the support as I AM recovering...it just makes it harder. I guess I came here because it felt like a safe, open place with caring people. I was right! Sometimes...keeping things inside allows the disease a way in to take hold of you and crush you! I know when the anorexia is trying to take over and I reach out (usually to hubby) immediately! I feel like our marriage has had enough and I need FRIENDS to lean on. I can't wait until our company is strong enough that I can walk outside in jeans and a t-shirt (I have to wear a skirt and long sleeves all the time to fit in with the religious community!)

    The community makes recovery difficult as I can't express myself. A HUGE part of recovery is finding your voice and your identity. One thing I'm definitely doing this weekend is wearing watever I feel like, painting my nails different colors, and blasting some rock music when Shabbat is over on Sunday!! I'm tired of feeling so trapped

    Btw, I completely respect all religions and beliefs. I just don't believe in religion now...only in god! Being religious made me rigid and it hurt me in soo many ways. It just wasn't for me

    Thanks for caring Phoenix

  3. #13
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    AHHH lunalove...!!! I'm sorry I can only offer you internet support. I think you are amazing, and strong, and brave. Truly.
    Wow, thanks Gromit Sometimes, it helps to hear that I'm doing something right! My brain loves to tell me what I do wrong...the more amo I have to fight it off with the better!! "takes a baseball bat and whacks the negativity out of the atmosphere" score! :-)

  4. #14
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I wish I could add something.. but I know about as much about this as the guy that won the hot-dog eating contest. I can't fathom it, or grasp the concept in my head. It's beyond me.

    But, I know it's a real disorder, and it does exist. It seems as if illnesses are cured with a precise problem. Disorders like this have no precise location or trigger.. many things cause it.. and without a root cause, people tend to not know how to solve a problem. It's difficult to treat things like that.

    I hope you find the intestinal fortitude within yourself to get past this. I have a feeling it's much like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, insert-any-addiction-here.. it's a daily battle against yourself to re-create barriers you broke down long ago. I hope you find the support you need.
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  5. #15
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I wish I could add something.. but I know about as much about this as the guy that won the hot-dog eating contest. I can't fathom it, or grasp the concept in my head. It's beyond me.

    But, I know it's a real disorder, and it does exist. It seems as if illnesses are cured with a precise problem. Disorders like this have no precise location or trigger.. many things cause it.. and without a root cause, people tend to not know how to solve a problem. It's difficult to treat things like that.

    I hope you find the intestinal fortitude within yourself to get past this. I have a feeling it's much like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, insert-any-addiction-here.. it's a daily battle against yourself to re-create barriers you broke down long ago. I hope you find the support you need.
    Thanks It is an addiction of sorts! i do know what caused it for me actually. I can pinpoint the day it began. Then it grew into fulfilling other needs and avoidances. it was a great way for me to cope at the time. It's not working for me anymore so I am letting it go more every day!

    My nutritionist says you can recover from anorexia when you learn to deal with your emotions. Every time I deal with an emotion rather than stuffing it down by starving myself or obsessing about something, I am one step closer to recovery. There are women who had anorexia that do this without thinking about it! I am almost one of them

    Thanks so much for your encouragement! I'm really making it. My final steps are the completion of self identity/finding my voice! and of course loving my body. But that's not the real issue. Anorexia, to me, is a distraction from facing something painful. It's my brians way of keeping me from feeling things I need to feel. I feel so much so often so deeply...things I kept burried for years! It's one of the most difficult and rewarding things I've ever done. But I know I can do it...and so can anyone! :-)

    Btw, I like your avatar! A female warrior!! That's awesome!

  6. #16
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I believe that 25% of people with BPD have eating disorders, and the way your therapist is "ignoring" you, and the fact that you were a victim of childhood abuse, all of these things are pretty indicative of BPD.

    I've been diagnosed by two psychiatrists as having it, I'm not sure, I think I display some of the symptoms, but certainly not all, or most.

    Regardless.

    This is the shit.



    Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    This therapy sounds amazing! Sending you a PM about it, :-)

  7. #17
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Update: My plan:

    With the help of all of you and my "anorexia support team" I have made a plan:

    1) Deep breathing

    2) Bubble baths

    3) Candlelight dinner with wine and whatever creation I make to eat!

    4) Make sure I get outdoors

    5) Make sure I drink enough water/get enough vitamins

    6) Hula hoop, dance, walk, etc

    7) Get videos, screw the cost!

    8) Read

    9) Finger paint

    And anything else I come up with! If I get scared, I can watch a video until I fall back to sleep...or do any of the other things mentioned above!

    AND the best part is...I don't have to cook for hubby Just for me (he doesn't eat my food normally!) :p

    Thanks for all the love and support ((hugs)) for everyone!!

    luna~

    P.S. I forgot two more! Journaling (the most important!) and posting here

  8. #18
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Sounds like a great plan... And definitely keep posting here...
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  9. #19
    Senior Member lunalove's Avatar
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    Thanks Gromit! ((hugs)) I've never met such an encouraging bunch of people! I will keep posting here...but hopefully, this weekend I'll be too busy having fun enjoying some quality time with me to post too much! Wish me luck and light!

  10. #20
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    Luna. I admire your spirit tremendously. Years ago I was suffering from an eating disoder, partially bulimic and anorexic. I had no support as I was a student then and had no money for any sort of treatment. Only a friend knew of my ailment and tried with all of his might to get me to eat more. Several dangerous episodes of constant nose bleeding, fainting spells and most significantly, a book, however, snapped me out of it.

    I don't have a lot of helping words to offer as I believe every case and everyone is different. I will say this, from experience that you will get better day by day and the journey will only get easier, as long as you keep at it. I also believe that yes, once you come out of the eating bit (it took me 2 1/2 years to complete recover), you may have emotional swirly-whirly phases, for the lack of a better word. Stay grounded and strong and keep focus.

    It definitely helps to be pre-occupied with stuff that you love doing. For me, it was music, joining bands, playing gigs, meeting new musician friends, studying music again, learning new instruments, etc. I got better almost without any effort and at the same time, managed to remold my life around my passion and other hobbies in between instead of resorting to self-destructive tendencies. Keep happy things and happy people around you.

    Good luck and all my warmest wishes to you.

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