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[INFP] INFP fathers

deep rain

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFP
I'd really like to hear some experiences of INFP fathers, whether you are one, or know one.

Examples...
When your child is in a rut with another child, and let's say that the other child's father is an ESTx. Deeply caring for your children, you know that you'd be there to listen to them, spend much time with them, etc. But what if other fathers who are of the ESTx types get really aggressive or hard-charging because that's their way of defending their kids -- do you feel inferior in parenting in this way? Like you don't have the ability to stand up for your kids in front of an ESTx society while the ESTx world is in-your-face against you? Do you just walk away and ignore, and inside you secretly feel like you're not a good enough parent in the sense that you can't defend them "as much"?

There probably won't be much INFP fathers on here, so experiences and perceptions of others can apply too (e.g. if you're the son/daughter/wife of one, a friend of one, etc.)

My dad is an INFP and one of the main reasons he left me when I was young was because of this. Of course he never actually said this directly to me, but I know this is one of the main reasons why. Being it difficult to even stand up for himself, I know he couldn't bear to deal with having/seeing his child in this state as well (not being able to stand up for me).

Do you sometimes wish that you weren't an INFP father because of your sensitivity that gets in the way of this? For the INFP males that don't have kids, does this "problem" affect your decision or desire for having kids in the future? Or for the non-INFPs whose had experiences with them, do you sense or think that they feel "afraid" of being a father for similar reasons and situations because of this?
 

Sandy

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2007
Messages
552
MBTI Type
INFP
I'd really like to hear some experiences of INFP fathers, whether you are one, or know one.

Examples...
When your child is in a rut with another child, and let's say that the other child's father is an ESTx. Deeply caring for your children, you know that you'd be there to listen to them, spend much time with them, etc. But what if other fathers who are of the ESTx types get really aggressive or hard-charging because that's their way of defending their kids -- do you feel inferior in parenting in this way? Like you don't have the ability to stand up for your kids in front of an ESTx society while the ESTx world is in-your-face against you? Do you just walk away and ignore, and inside you secretly feel like you're not a good enough parent in the sense that you can't defend them "as much"?

There probably won't be much INFP fathers on here, so experiences and perceptions of others can apply too (e.g. if you're the son/daughter/wife of one, a friend of one, etc.)

My dad is an INFP and one of the main reasons he left me when I was young was because of this. Of course he never actually said this directly to me, but I know this is one of the main reasons why. Being it difficult to even stand up for himself, I know he couldn't bear to deal with having/seeing his child in this state as well (not being able to stand up for me).

Do you sometimes wish that you weren't an INFP father because of your sensitivity that gets in the way of this? For the INFP males that don't have kids, does this "problem" affect your decision or desire for having kids in the future? Or for the non-INFPs whose had experiences with them, do you sense or think that they feel "afraid" of being a father for similar reasons and situations because of this?

I know this is for INFP fathers (I don't know any personally)... however, as an INFP mother, I can't imagine that being a problem. I had no problems staunchly and aggressively defending my children (or any child who was bullied) in whatever situation with other extroverted/introverted parents. (For years, I was in the PTA board and finally, I had to pull them out completely - I couldn't stand the ignorance of the parents and some of the teachers). Grant it, when the boys got older (when I knew the boys would feel badly if I were to get involved), I would stand back and watch... but I would give my kids serious "go get 'em" talks.

I'm sorry to hear about the experience of you and your father, deep rain. That's sad. (((hugs)))
 

deep rain

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFP
Thanks Sandy. I didn't want to get personal, but I threw my little story in there to give a clearer example. I never blamed my dad at all though, I totally understand.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
When I was having issues with bullies in school my father told me to go to the teacher three times, then go to the principle three times. Should neither do their job: knock the kid on his ass, pound him till he's not moving, and be ready to take your licks. Reality beats INFP children in my family very early...
 

Mempy

Mamma said knock you out
Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Messages
2,227
Yeah, Deep Rain, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's one of the many interesting personal stories floating around here. Thanks for sharing.

Hmm... I'm with Sandy on this one. Even if I'm not a parent, I am INFP, and I think I would encourage my kids (if I had some) to go get 'em, aggressively, if need be. Your dad may have been INFP, but maybe he just didn't have the backbone he needed to stand up for himself and his kids. Hmm...

Interestingly, I've kind of always seen INFPs as those really, how shall I say... well, I think INFPs are naturally pretty calm and peaceful around people, but I imagine them being uncharacteristically unbending, protective, and aggressive when it comes to their kids, kind of like Sandy. Haha. Then again, I can also see what you described being a problem for FPs. On the other hand, FPs can also go toward the other extreme: being big momma or daddy bears.

P.S. I've noticed the conspicuous lack of INFP fathers (and parents in general) as well. I can count the number of INFP parents I know of, even online, on one hand, and that's saying something, since I've been a member of INFPg for over a year now.
 

deep rain

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFP
Your dad may have been INFP, but maybe he just didn't have the backbone he needed to stand up for himself and his kids. Hmm...

Yeah it's not just that he was INFP, I'm sure a lot of it had to do with his personal life growing up. Usually, when extroverts are abused, they tend to "act out", while introverts in this case fall to withdrawal becoming hypersensitive, especially INFPs. So in his case, I'm sure a lot of it had to do with his life experience, which couples with his personality type, resulting in this.

I've known a few healthy INFP males, and they said they want to have kids, and didn't seem to be pessimistic about it. But I am curious if they have a slight fear of aggressively defending their kids due to their sensitivity or emotionality getting in the way.
 

Mempy

Mamma said knock you out
Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Messages
2,227
Usually, when extroverts are abused, they tend to "act out", while introverts in this case fall to withdrawal becoming hypersensitive, especially INFPs. So in his case, I'm sure a lot of it had to do with his life experience, which couples with his personality type, resulting in this.

Yup. This is especially true of INs, I think. My only INFP friend in real life is male and a type four, and he seems to withdraw quite a bit for defense. I've done it too, but I'm not a four.

I'm not a male, but at this point in my life, I'm not afraid that my sentimentality will get in the way of my raising my kids right.
 

gretch

New member
Joined
Nov 27, 2007
Messages
111
MBTI Type
ENFP
My dad is an INFP and one of the main reasons he left me when I was young was because of this. Of course he never actually said this directly to me, but I know this is one of the main reasons why. Being it difficult to even stand up for himself, I know he couldn't bear to deal with having/seeing his child in this state as well (not being able to stand up for me).

Not to sound rude, but I think that him leaving you has everything to do with him being a douche (pardon the language). There is no excuse for leaving your children. Would you ever leave your child deep? It seems like you've handled it with a lot of courage and forgiveness. What is your relationship with him like now?
 

deep rain

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFP
Not to sound rude, but I think that him leaving you has everything to do with him being a douche (pardon the language). There is no excuse for leaving your children. Would you ever leave your child deep? It seems like you've handled it with a lot of courage and forgiveness. What is your relationship with him like now?

A wounded soul takes one of two paths. One with a revengeful view towards the world, and one with a forgiving one. He took the first one, but is not an evil man, just misguided. He will find the light and redemption one day.

I'll only leave it at that. I want to stay on-topic about the feelings and thoughts of INFP fathers in general.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
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496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Martoon's father is a likely INFP. He has a really dry, understated, sarcastic humor. He also feels rather attached to cute children and critters and feels strong nostalgia about life. He is a creative and gentle person with a sharp wit.
 

GZA

Resident Snot-Nose
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
1,771
MBTI Type
infp
INFP's are sensitive, but that doesn't mean spineless. I don't see why, as long as the person is reasonably confident in themselves, they wouldn't defend what they beleive is right (their values) with whatever it takes.
 

Eve

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
64
I'd really like to hear some experiences of INFP fathers, whether you are one, or know one.

Examples...
When your child is in a rut with another child, and let's say that the other child's father is an ESTx. Deeply caring for your children, you know that you'd be there to listen to them, spend much time with them, etc. But what if other fathers who are of the ESTx types get really aggressive or hard-charging because that's their way of defending their kids -- do you feel inferior in parenting in this way? Like you don't have the ability to stand up for your kids in front of an ESTx society while the ESTx world is in-your-face against you? Do you just walk away and ignore, and inside you secretly feel like you're not a good enough parent in the sense that you can't defend them "as much"?

I'm an INFP mother, not sure that counts, but I would walk away and ignore him, not because I think I'm not good enough to confront him, but because I think the other parent is an idiot and not worthy of my time. I have the potential to be just as aggressive or worse (keep in mind Te is our inferior function).
 

Mempy

Mamma said knock you out
Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Messages
2,227
I'm an INFP mother

Oooh, I've spotted another! :D You get points just for being one. ;)

I have the potential to be just as aggressive or worse (keep in mind Te is our inferior function).

Good point. People often don't realize that even in MBTI, everyone has two very different faces to their personality. If someone is an SF, they have an NT face underneath. For example an ESFP, whose function order is Se Fi Te Ni, seems SF on one side, and NT on the other. No one's devoid of complexity.
 
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Eve

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Apr 23, 2007
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Oooh, I've spotted another! :D You get points just for being one. ;)

Thanks! You get points for giving me points! :D


Good point. People often don't realize that even in MBTI, everyone has two very different faces to their personality. If someone is an SF, they have an NT face underneath. For example an ESFP, whose function order is Se Fi Te Ni, seems SF on one side, and NT on the other. No one's devoid of complexity.


I failed to stand up for myself a few times, but not for my son. I'd guess someone messing with an INFP's child would definitely bring that Te in full force.

(Hopefully not, after all parents can talk instead of aggravating the situation fighting over minor issues)
 

runvardh

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Jun 23, 2007
Messages
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sx/so
To quote my father: "there is only one way a person can hurt me and that's through my boys. You can hurt me, but don't hurt my boys."
 

Snowey1210

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Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
141
MBTI Type
ENTP
I think it is a bit of a misconception that INFPs are a bit of a pushover when it comes to issues in the outside world. In this context I think that I'd be able to adopt a more ESTJ persona and deal with the issue. Fi simply makes me more passionate about things, it doesn't make me a doormat.
 

will5250

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2008
Messages
83
MBTI Type
INFP
I have wondered whether to post my experiences here. I'm an INFP Father, but I didn't raise a son. I wondered what I would do if I had to defend my daughter, but our daughter was/is a strong willed very intuitive extrovert who hardly needed my defense.

I remember growing up feeling weak and defenseless. I wasn't able to do a single chin up, and I wasn't very athletic or strong. I was always one of the last persons chosen when two people in the group was asked to choose members to form teams. I was rather uncoordinated.

My approach to bullies was avoidance. I knew perfectly well what would have occurred if I had tried to win a fight with one of them. My Father said, "Stand up to them" but left out the part that explains how to accomplish this. Judo lessons might have been useful, or something to help me think I stood a snowflake's chance in hell of surviving if it came to blows.

Back in the early 60's the attitude toward bullies was that they were just a fact of life, and a person simply needed to learn to stand up to them. It would have been unheard of for a parent to go to school to complain that the school administration needs to do something about the problem. I did try to complain to the assistant principal when I was middle school and he told me that I needed to gather my friends and go get back at them. Since I had no friends at the time that pretty much let me know I was on my own. Its interesting that my experience matches the reputation of male INFP-ness.

But I am evidently an exception to the general rule. When I was 40 something a Doctor decided to do what I had been unable to get anyone else to do. He took an androgen blood level and declared from the result that I should have been receiving androgen supplements ever since adolescence. Oh well, such is life as they say.
 

badsykes

New member
Joined
Feb 2, 2008
Messages
9
I know this is for INFP fathers (I don't know any personally)... however, as an INFP mother, I can't imagine that being a problem. I had no problems staunchly and aggressively defending my children (or any child who was bullied) in whatever situation with other extroverted/introverted parents. (For years, I was in the PTA board and finally, I had to pull them out completely - I couldn't stand the ignorance of the parents and some of the teachers). Grant it, when the boys got older (when I knew the boys would feel badly if I were to get involved), I would stand back and watch... but I would give my kids serious "go get 'em" talks.

I'm sorry to hear about the experience of you and your father, deep rain. That's sad. (((hugs)))

Sandy can you be my mother too ... My mother is an E like in american pathetic movies that acting artificially and i reach desperation.....I promise that i will shut up and be a good boy and early at home..No gf and parties.I promise i will read books and play with lego despite having 24 years old.:devil:
Please please please...
 

will5250

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2008
Messages
83
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm an INFP mother, not sure that counts, but I would walk away and ignore him, not because I think I'm not good enough to confront him, but because I think the other parent is an idiot and not worthy of my time. I have the potential to be just as aggressive or worse (keep in mind Te is our inferior function).
I've discovered that you can't always make assumptions of what it is like for people of the opposite gender based upon your own experience, even of people who are your own type.
 
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