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  1. #1
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Default Trying to understand him(ESFP)

    This is going to be complicated to explain...lol. If you're too impatient, you can just skip to the bottom, but I thought some background info would help.

    So there's this ESFP (enneagram 6w7) I've known for about 6 years. We went to the same church and flirted with each other (well, I was shy back then so I tried to flirt...), blah blah blah. I was basically obsessed with him, even though he was a flirt.

    He moved away a year later and we lost touch.

    Then, another year later he visited our church catching me completely off guard. He acted like everything was just how it was back then, flirting with me like crazy. I tried to act like I wasn't interested, cuz I didn't know how else to deal with the craziness of seeing him again. He even asked me to kiss him goodbye O_O (of course I didn't...even though I wanted to). I couldn't stop thinking about him for about 2 months after that day.

    Then 2 years passed by and then suddenly I get a friend request from him on facebook (oh how the internet loves to screw with our lives...). After I accepted it we never even talked. It wasn't until about 6 months later when I messaged him that we finally starting talking. He was depressed so I tried to cheer him up and he said that I actually did help =D Then he asked me for advice on this girl he met. I gave him advice, but he never replied.

    Then another 2 months passed and it was Valentine's Day. I saw him on facebook chat and talked to him. He was upset that he had no girlfriend to share the day with lol. Then I mentioned to him that I had a crappy Valentine's Day too cuz of my psycho ex. boyfriend (INFJ) who wouldn't leave me alone. Then he suddenly got all protective of me and wanted to kill the INFJ. He sent him an angry message, even though I told him not to...

    After that day we started talking more and more. He called me constantly and couldn't ever stop talking. There was a couple days of this until he admitted on the phone that he liked me and always has and wanted to date me. I was blown away. I mean...why did he wait so long to tell me? X_X He was surprised when I told him that I've always liked him (even though I thought I made it plainly obvious in the past, but I guess not now that I think about it...I always tried to look strong in front of him).

    I told him "no" and for the first time in his life, he had absolutely no idea what to say. I basically told him that I had just gotten out of a relationship with a psycho and I wasn't ready for another one so soon. He asked how long it would take and I said 6 months XD (He flipped out). He said he needed time to think and we hung up.

    He called the next day saying that he'd be willing to wait however long it took for me. O_O

    He came to our church a few days after the phone conversation (I hadn't seen him in 2 years O_O) and he kissed me XD...

    A month passed of us acting like a couple without...actually..being..a couple (however that works). And then one day he randomly said, "We can't do this, we aren't together, so we can't act like it. On Monday (It was Friday) we have to stop." So we stopped. He also asked me when I'd be ready for a relationship, and I said to wait until my birthday (much less than 6 months lol). He said that he'd still talk to me and call me twice a week, but we wouldn't be able to say that we love each other.

    This is where I need the advice:

    He never talks to me. He did in the beginning, but it slowly stopped. I sent him a few texts, no responses.

    The one time he talked to me this week, he said "Hey. I wanted to know if I could take my friend to prom. I know it's a little weird, but she has no one to go with. Is that ok?" I said it was ok as long as he didn't kiss her or smack her butt...and he said, "Will do. And Thanks. She really didn't want to go alone."

    After that, no communication again. I'm probably overreacting, but I really wonder if he's second guessing if he should like me. I know that's probably not true since he asked for my permission to take the other girl to prom. He could've easily not mentioned it to me and I would've never known.

    But I got tired of the days of no communication, so I messaged him asking why he hasn't been talking to me, and that it makes me feel distant from him and wonder if he even remembers me. Then he texted me the next day saying, "Happy Easter. We need to talk." I replied, and then no answer....and still no answer or talking or anything of the sort.

    He said earlier on that however long it took, he would use that time to get to know me and be the happiest guy in the world by just being able to talk to me.

    What happened to that?

    Is he in too much pain? Or is he just lazy? Is he avoiding the conflict? Is he testing me? Is he second-guessing whether he should wait for me? I don't understand why he refuses to talk to me!!!

    Ah...I talked too much.
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

    ~Don't ignore the truth, it will set you free.

    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

  2. #2
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    From your post, it could be anything. You are not really a couple yet, and I don't think guys feel the need (or obligation) to contact 'friends' all the time. You're not even dating! He wanted a relationship, but you were the one who said no, so he might be confused if you are really waiting or if you are unsure whether you like him or not and just want to string him along as a backup.

    I think you need to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with this guy. I understand that you might need some time to get over your last relationship, but I don't think it's fair to ask him to wait without letting him know what is going to happen in the future. The best thing to do is to have a talk with him and clearly define what you are right now. It's okay to take it slow, but why must it be a specific amount of time from now before you start a relationship with him? Won't it be better to let it progress naturally? Are you the one testing him if he likes you enough to wait for you?

    In short, I just want to say that if you want a relationship with him in the future, tell him, and try to progress towards that together. If you aren't sure yet, he has the right to know, and also the right to choose not to wait. I think having a serious talk about this would really help.

  3. #3
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Yeah, I wanted to have a serious talk with him, because I felt like I was doing that to him. I understand that he has no obligation to call me, so I'm not mad at him. I just wish that he'd at least answer me when I text him once a week...(which doesn't seem too smothering in my opinion. I'm trying to be patient)

    When I told him he needed to wait the first time, I told him that I wanted us to grow closer as friends and let it happen naturally, but he seemed to completely ignore that and kissed me and told me he loved me.

    Then he brought up that we needed to stop and actually wait, which I agreed with and told him the same thing as before that I wanted us to get to know each other really well before anything happens. And then this is where he slowly stopped talking to me.

    I feel stupid for putting up this thread now XD I hate sounding all whiny...but I'm really confused.
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

    ~Don't ignore the truth, it will set you free.

    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    No, you don't sound whiny at all! Your doubts are valid and I'm sure anyone in your situation would be asking the same questions

    Then he brought up that we needed to stop and actually wait, which I agreed with and told him the same thing as before that I wanted us to get to know each other really well before anything happens. And then this is where he slowly stopped talking to me.
    Did you tell him that you liked him? He might have thought you just wanted to be friends, saw no hope in it and stopped trying to pursue a relationship. However, if you made it clear that you were interested in a relationship but wanted to take it slow and he quickly lost interest, I'd say be wary of his intentions. One thing for certain is that if he is not interested in getting to know you as a person before getting into a relationship, he might not be emotionally ready for a healthy relationship after all.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    He's an ESFP you say, Se then Fi? They tend to react based on what they feel about their direct surroundings. I don't think there's much to psychoanalyse here, as whatever he's doing at any given time is likely to directly show his mood even if he doesn't admit to it.

    You however, are trying to overcomplicate by turning the entire situation into the bigger picture, thinking that really liking someone but waiting for a relationship is something reasonable (it can definitely be, but who's to say anyway).

    I think the guy may feel divided about you, in a sense that he does like you but thinks you make thing unnecessarily complex. Thinking that either you want to date him or you don't, and that waiting is a sign of the latter.
    (removed)

  6. #6
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Did you tell him that you liked him? He might have thought you just wanted to be friends, saw no hope in it and stopped trying to pursue a relationship.
    I made it pretty clear to him that I really liked him and want to be with him, but I just know that if we were together now, it would fall apart (us living hours away from each other, me still recovering from my last relationship, us both maturing, stuff).

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    However, if you made it clear that you were interested in a relationship but wanted to take it slow and he quickly lost interest, I'd say be wary of his intentions. One thing for certain is that if he is not interested in getting to know you as a person before getting into a relationship, he might not be emotionally ready for a healthy relationship after all.
    Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. He's 18 and goes out to party and stuff still. He's pretty much the leader of his group of friends, almost parenting them in a way, trying his best to keep them out of trouble. I can tell that he really cares for people; he's really loyal, yet I still have doubts whether he'd be happy with only me. He said before that I mean the world to him, but it's hard to believe now.


    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    They tend to react based on what they feel about their direct surroundings. I don't think there's much to psychoanalyse here, as whatever he's doing at any given time is likely to directly show his mood even if he doesn't admit to it.
    So since I'm not around, he doesn't often think about me? That would explain why he always forgot to meet me somewhere in the past.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    You however, are trying to overcomplicate by turning the entire situation into the bigger picture, thinking that really liking someone but waiting for a relationship is something reasonable (it can definitely be, but who's to say anyway).
    That makes a lot of sense. He did think that waiting was unnecessary, but I think it's better than jumping right into something cuz it shows that he is actually serious about me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    I think the guy may feel divided about you, in a sense that he does like you but thinks you make thing unnecessarily complex. Thinking that either you want to date him or you don't, and that waiting is a sign of the latter.
    Crap...
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

    ~Don't ignore the truth, it will set you free.

    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

  7. #7
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    To be completely honest I, ninety-nine percent of the time, think that waiting usually means no, just a way to prolong the actual answering, so I move on. I view the doubt of 'maybe' to be more poisonous than hopeful, but that's just me and meh lack of confidence.

  8. #8
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    sorry, not an ESFP... but from an ESP viewpoint, I suck at keeping in contact with people... especially if I get a feeling that I'm being strung along

    If it was me in his shoes the actions would be explained as he expressed that he wanted to be with you, you said later, he spent time with you and possibly tried to woo you into changing your mind on the timeframe without being overly blunt about it... you didn't give in so he's getting on with his life until you decide to make a move to get him

    Of course, I have different functions than he does (I have a deep black void where Fi should be for instance) so his thoughts could be completely different... but that's my spin on the ordeal
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by ilovereeses View Post
    Crap...
    It's not really crap. If you really liked him you would've taken him rather than risk it. The fact you can wait six months before going out with him is enough to make me doubt there is much there.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  10. #10
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    If it was me in his shoes the actions would be explained as he expressed that he wanted to be with you, you said later, he spent time with you and possibly tried to woo you into changing your mind on the timeframe without being overly blunt about it... you didn't give in so he's getting on with his life until you decide to make a move to get him
    Thank you, that is actually somewhat comforting...I know that he did try to change my mind, so he maybe hasn't forgotten me after all; he's just waiting.

    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    It's not really crap. If you really liked him you would've taken him rather than risk it.
    I couldn't take him how I was at the time, it would've fallen apart. I only waited because it was the smart thing to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    The fact you can wait six months before going out with him is enough to make me doubt there is much there.
    yes, I agree that if I could wait 6 months, there isn't much there. That's why I'm going more and more mad every day! (it's been about a month now since I've talked to him) And I am seriously considering just forgetting the whole waiting thing and just going for it....even though there's a big chance it won't work. But then again, maybe we can help each other grow and it'll make our relationship stronger.
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

    ~Don't ignore the truth, it will set you free.

    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

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