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Thread: ENFJ questions

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    Member Kymlee's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ questions

    So as some of you know, I'm brand new not only to TypeC but to the world of Typology in general.

    I have read so many threads here and I find it a bit difficult to understand when everyone is referring to their N, or their Fi or Fe, etc...
    I really came here to learn more about myself, and how to move along in personal growth, so that I can be a better person, in turn making me more effective as a helpful and good person with anyone I interact with.
    I also think that this thread could end up helping other types to understand ENFJ's better, and allow other ENFJ's to take what they can from the feedback and apply in their own lives if need be

    When I first started reading all of the descriptions of types, and my interaction with others and personality traits, I was floored. I had no idea that I could be summed up that easy. (Kind of *ouch*) regardless, I know that I'm a healthier ENFJ than some, but there are still so many areas I need to grow in, and come to terms with.

    For those of you who are fellow ENFJ's I would love to hear your experiences and lessons learned, so to speak throughout your life...
    and also those who interact with ENFJ's regularly, I would really like to hear how you helped/interacted with ENFJ's and what things you noticed, patterns etc that can be harmful to ENFJ's and others around them.

    If there's anything I forgot, please feel free to chime in and offer suggestions, concerns, all that jazz.

    Thank you for reading, hope to hear from you soon
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    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Cognitive functions, my dear friend. They are something i am terrible at grasping even now.

    As for experiences and lessons:
    Recognizing one's limitations.
    ENFJs can be hellbent on saving the world, but investing too much of themselves toward that can go badly. We don't have endless energy and emotional strength (though we'd like to think we do). That doesn't mean abandon ideas of helping people or don't push, but don't burn out.
    I realized these limitations early on and have already led a better life thinking "I'm going to do what i want and use more public mediums to accomplish my goals. If they impact anyone then fantastic, but no loss if not."

    Strive for self-awareness
    This is always a good one, but ENFJs can neglect it when heavily involved with other people. The thing about us is that we have extreme emotional intensity, believe we know what is best, and tend to have different motivations than other people. Becoming aware helps us gauge ourselves around others better. We will suffer if our chameleon qualities are sub-par.
    I've kept my self-awareness up since i was twelve, but it didn't quite kick in to do good until seventeen. I accept more view points and don't suffocate people with my emotions. If it looks like it, i inform them that i am aware and apologize. Understanding that i have my own set of motivations/goals is how i keep from feeling crazy and glitchy.

    Squishy ENFJ Core
    Usually, the very beginning of ENFJs is letting people in and allowing them to see the squishy, vulnerable core. We have a lot of faith in people until they start giving us reason not to. We'll be hurt before we start to close everyone out and sift through the people who deserve to really get close and see who we are. This is a hard one, actually. First we build up our core to exclude people, but then we have to break it down a bit to include people.
    Personally, i've been good at feeling out and excluding people for a long time. The adverse effect of that is being unable to break down the barriers and let a few worthy people in. I've been more closed off than desired. This is something that can be a constant battle.

    More sometime.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

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    Member Kymlee's Avatar
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    @Unkindloving
    Thank you for that.
    Yes the cognitive functions are a mystery to me, and how people can recognize what's working there in others and themselves is making me scratch my head. It's not that I'm not smart enough to understand, but this place is almost like jumping into another dialect. I don't always understand the topics or the lingo.

    oh well, it's to be worked on.

    as for the rest, I can obviously relate to feeling/going through these things, although the closed off thing, not so much. I mean I generally "do it on my own" often, but I still love to be around people, helping, trusting, etc.

    I have had moments of anger and bitterness, but they quickly fade. (This being because I've trained myself to let stuff go...)

    a lil background

    I'm 23. Eldest female of now 6 kids from different parents.

    2 biological brothers, 1 half brother, (1 deceased sister), 1 step sister, & 1 step brother.
    we usually don't use those terms, we're all just brothers and sisters. We have a very close and loving family dynamic (now that is)

    Childhood was tough, I was "mom" at 8yrs old, and constantly struggled from that point on to let go of needing to be maternal and "controlling" but seeing as I was put in the situation of authority and stability it was and is a hard habit to keep under control.
    Music has been a HUGE outsource for me, for stress and emotion. I think this might have saved me from becoming a total basket case.

    moreso, I've always felt very old inside. Like My mind and my world views etc have aged much faster than my body, which is both good and sad.

    At 23, I feel as though I need to grow more intelligence wise and psychologically as well, because I've buried things for years, and I KNOW it's not healthy to do.... This is kind of like therapy for me, this and blogging when I'm not playing music.
    .... blah blah. enough about me haha
    more about you, and anyone else that wants to jump in.
    Kymlee: Life Story
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    Libra (Sun)
    "When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us."
    -Sydney J. Harris

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    From my experience interacting with ENFJ's, I would offer this:

    -Do not expect other people to do things or make certain decisions just because you think that's what they should do. Quite simply, they are not you and they do not want to be your clone and live their lives by everything you think they should do. In short, do not be so offended and have your feelings hurt when those close to you do not do what you want them to do. In the nicest (and genuinely constructive) way possible, I would say, "Get over it" when this happens. Spend way less time being offended and way more time moving on. Let them be individuals. People usually do not like to be coerced, forced, or talked into doing things just because you want them to do it or because you feel it's right.

    -Really focus on not over-extending yourself. You ENFJ's are unbelievably gifted in offering your help in so many different arenas - often at the same time. Sometimes it's good to slow down a bit and/or to once in a while say, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. As much as I'd like to, I just have too many things going on." And don't feel bad about that. There's nothing wrong with that. There's only 24 hours in a day. Stop trying to take on activities that will require 25 of your hours. Sometimes, really slow down and do nothing. Just reflect. Watch TV. Help nobody for a week. Sleep in. Relax. Be in a hurry for nothing.

    Those are the two major points that I have seen cause problems for ENFJ's and those around them. Other than that, you guys are great and other people love your type and appreciate your skills, compassion, enthusiasm, mostly positive attitude, willingness to help and contribute what you can, and everything else that you bring to the table.

  5. #5
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kymlee View Post
    @Unkindloving
    Thank you for that.
    Yes the cognitive functions are a mystery to me, and how people can recognize what's working there in others and themselves is making me scratch my head. It's not that I'm not smart enough to understand, but this place is almost like jumping into another dialect. I don't always understand the topics or the lingo.

    oh well, it's to be worked on.

    as for the rest, I can obviously relate to feeling/going through these things, although the closed off thing, not so much. I mean I generally "do it on my own" often, but I still love to be around people, helping, trusting, etc.

    I have had moments of anger and bitterness, but they quickly fade. (This being because I've trained myself to let stuff go...)

    a lil background

    I'm 23. Eldest female of now 6 kids from different parents.

    2 biological brothers, 1 half brother, (1 deceased sister), 1 step sister, & 1 step brother.
    we usually don't use those terms, we're all just brothers and sisters. We have a very close and loving family dynamic (now that is)

    Childhood was tough, I was "mom" at 8yrs old, and constantly struggled from that point on to let go of needing to be maternal and "controlling" but seeing as I was put in the situation of authority and stability it was and is a hard habit to keep under control.
    Music has been a HUGE outsource for me, for stress and emotion. I think this might have saved me from becoming a total basket case.

    moreso, I've always felt very old inside. Like My mind and my world views etc have aged much faster than my body, which is both good and sad.

    At 23, I feel as though I need to grow more intelligence wise and psychologically as well, because I've buried things for years, and I KNOW it's not healthy to do.... This is kind of like therapy for me, this and blogging when I'm not playing music.
    .... blah blah. enough about me haha
    more about you, and anyone else that wants to jump in.
    It's great when you've got an understanding of what goes on here and then you try to talk to other people about it. It's a whole other language to them. It will all settle in over time.

    Hmm the early family life puts your ability to let things go into perspective. Also, without a proper outlet we go insane. How early did you find yours?
    I've often referred to journaling as my form my therapy. I do tons of self-damage-control. That may be another gigantic part of being ENFJ. Other people/types have often let me contribute to their own damage controlling, but i don't let people into mine or find others capable enough.

    I also think i'm a selfish ENFJ . I adore helping people i am close to, but i can be very out for myself and my own gain (which isn't even desiring much). My guess is that it's been an extreme reaction to seeing i won't get anywhere if i'm not up to par yet so i get quite self-absorbed.
    Then the enneagram comes into play, because i want to be a special little snowflake. It's crazy enough in our type's world.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    ...

    Those are the two major points that I have seen cause problems for ENFJ's and those around them. Other than that, you guys are great and other people love your type and appreciate your skills, compassion, enthusiasm, mostly positive attitude, willingness to help and contribute what you can, and everything else that you bring to the table.
    Good points.
    Some of the time, we need someone we trust peering over our shoulder and telling us to get over things or to hold off of helping. We just can't help ourselves and the wrong person telling us to relax is like asking for an explosion. It can turn out great when we actually listen though.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kymlee View Post
    @Unkindloving
    Yes the cognitive functions are a mystery to me, and how people can recognize what's working there in others and themselves is making me scratch my head. It's not that I'm not smart enough to understand, but this place is almost like jumping into another dialect. I don't always understand the topics or the lingo.
    Basically, each of the 16 personality types exhibit each of the following 4 characteristics in one way or another:

    1. Feeling
    2. Thinking
    3. Sensing
    4. Intuition

    Each of the 16 types exhibit these 4 functions in a different order of preference and/or in a different manner (extroverted or introverted).

    ENFJ's, for instance, tend to exhibit the 4 functions listed above in the following order:

    1. Extroverted Feeling (Fe): this shows up in your desire to organize events and get people together for a common purpose or goal and to make sure everyone is happy or satisfied in your external environment. This primary function is what you are most naturally drawn to, what you usually spend most of your time doing. Basically, it is what you do best.

    2. Introverted Intution (Ni): Ni is difficult to put into words, but it's your vision. You can see possibilities and scenarios before they develop; you can see the bigger picture of what is going on and it can be sort of like an internal compass for you.

    3. Extroverted Sensing (Se): Se is experiencing the external world with the 5 senses. Wanting to touch, feel, taste, etc, as a means to enjoy, experience, and understand things.

    4. Introverted Thinking (Ti): This is the inferior function of ENFJ's, but for an INTP like myself, it is our primary function. Ti is basically thinking very deeply about things, pondering, studying, analyzing in order to understand better.

    These are very "rough" descriptions, but hopefully that gives you a start on understanding some of the lingo being thrown around on these forums. Being able to determine what someone's primary function is (what they do most naturally and most of the time) goes a long way in being able to recognize what types people are.

  7. #7
    Member Kymlee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    From my experience interacting with ENFJ's, I would offer this:

    -Do not expect other people to do things or make certain decisions just because you think that's what they should do. Quite simply, they are not you and they do not want to be your clone and live their lives by everything you think they should do. In short, do not be so offended and have your feelings hurt when those close to you do not do what you want them to do. In the nicest (and genuinely constructive) way possible, I would say, "Get over it" when this happens. Spend way less time being offended and way more time moving on. Let them be individuals. People usually do not like to be coerced, forced, or talked into doing things just because you want them to do it or because you feel it's right.

    -Really focus on not over-extending yourself. You ENFJ's are unbelievably gifted in offering your help in so many different arenas - often at the same time. Sometimes it's good to slow down a bit and/or to once in a while say, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. As much as I'd like to, I just have too many things going on." And don't feel bad about that. There's nothing wrong with that. There's only 24 hours in a day. Stop trying to take on activities that will require 25 of your hours. Sometimes, really slow down and do nothing. Just reflect. Watch TV. Help nobody for a week. Sleep in. Relax. Be in a hurry for nothing.

    Those are the two major points that I have seen cause problems for ENFJ's and those around them. Other than that, you guys are great and other people love your type and appreciate your skills, compassion, enthusiasm, mostly positive attitude, willingness to help and contribute what you can, and everything else that you bring to the table.
    I appreciate your input and I most certainly agree with taking time for yourself. Moi Importante! (and this is the extent of any Spanish I hope to know lol) As for others not doing what we suggest or want, I also remember a time where I felt like this, like people wouldn't listen and it offended me because I was trying so hard to help but no one really wanted to "do it my way" I've since learned that it's best to help when it's desired, sometimes when it's not, but you must be careful not to smother someone, and to allow them to make decisions for themselves. I also learn more this way. Like the Minsky quote in my signature... Truth in that.
    Thanks again!

    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    It's great when you've got an understanding of what goes on here and then you try to talk to other people about it. It's a whole other language to them. It will all settle in over time.

    Hmm the early family life puts your ability to let things go into perspective. Also, without a proper outlet we go insane. How early did you find yours?
    I've often referred to journaling as my form my therapy. I do tons of self-damage-control. That may be another gigantic part of being ENFJ. Other people/types have often let me contribute to their own damage controlling, but i don't let people into mine or find others capable enough.

    I also think i'm a selfish ENFJ . I adore helping people i am close to, but i can be very out for myself and my own gain (which isn't even desiring much). My guess is that it's been an extreme reaction to seeing i won't get anywhere if i'm not up to par yet so i get quite self-absorbed.
    Then the enneagram comes into play, because i want to be a special little snowflake. It's crazy enough in our type's world.
    Ya speaking of ennegrams, I just did mine, and I'm a sx/so/sp 2w3
    whatever that means haha. It seems as though a lot of ENFJ's are type 2 though?

    I found music right away, at about 8-9 yrs old. I knew that the stresses of life had to get out somehow, right away, even at that age.
    You know what's weird? I never remember thinking as a child does. The words and the way I convey myself now, I used to do in my head, I feel the same voice. I wonder if anyone else feels that way... hmm

    oh, and I don't think being selfish is necessarily a bad thing either, because you still need to hold concern for your own well being. Like INTPness said as well, taking time for you, and not helping others per se, is good for you, and in the long run I would assume you taking that time would sincerely help your function in other people's lives as well.



    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Basically, each of the 16 personality types exhibit each of the following 4 characteristics in one way or another:

    1. Feeling
    2. Thinking
    3. Sensing
    4. Intuition

    Each of the 16 types exhibit these 4 functions in a different order of preference and/or in a different manner (extroverted or introverted).

    ENFJ's, for instance, tend to exhibit the 4 functions listed above in the following order:

    1. Extroverted Feeling (Fe): this shows up in your desire to organize events and get people together for a common purpose or goal and to make sure everyone is happy or satisfied in your external environment. This primary function is what you are most naturally drawn to, what you usually spend most of your time doing. Basically, it is what you do best.

    2. Introverted Intution (Ni): Ni is difficult to put into words, but it's your vision. You can see possibilities and scenarios before they develop; you can see the bigger picture of what is going on and it can be sort of like an internal compass for you.

    3. Extroverted Sensing (Se): Se is experiencing the external world with the 5 senses. Wanting to touch, feel, taste, etc, as a means to enjoy, experience, and understand things.

    4. Introverted Thinking (Ti): This is the inferior function of ENFJ's, but for an INTP like myself, it is our primary function. Ti is basically thinking very deeply about things, pondering, studying, analyzing in order to understand better.

    These are very "rough" descriptions, but hopefully that gives you a start on understanding some of the lingo being thrown around on these forums. Being able to determine what someone's primary function is (what they do most naturally and most of the time) goes a long way in being able to recognize what types people are.
    This was great, I needed a guide. Thank you for the description.
    Kymlee: Life Story
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    "When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us."
    -Sydney J. Harris

  8. #8
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kymlee View Post
    Ya speaking of ennegrams, I just did mine, and I'm a sx/so/sp 2w3
    whatever that means haha. It seems as though a lot of ENFJ's are type 2 though?

    I found music right away, at about 8-9 yrs old. I knew that the stresses of life had to get out somehow, right away, even at that age.
    You know what's weird? I never remember thinking as a child does. The words and the way I convey myself now, I used to do in my head, I feel the same voice. I wonder if anyone else feels that way... hmm

    oh, and I don't think being selfish is necessarily a bad thing either, because you still need to hold concern for your own well being. Like INTPness said as well, taking time for you, and not helping others per se, is good for you, and in the long run I would assume you taking that time would sincerely help your function in other people's lives as well.
    Ah, yes. Enneagram 2 ENFJs are very common. There's a chart floating around with the common enneagrams for each type. I'm a 4, which is less common.
    My mind started functioning at full capacity around 10, so it makes sense to me. I didn't know anything about people or the state of the world, but i was thinking it had all gone awry and needed a sort of revolution. I think the same now, but am not pessimistic about it not happening.
    I would be curious if/how that manifests in other types. Mm like those who take things apart and put them together as kids, figuring out how mechanisms work.
    Guesstimate is that figuring those things out early on makes us feel even more estranged from other people.

    True. My selfishness is with the end goal of a career helping other people on a smaller scale and just maintaining close relationships with people/enjoying that. I just can't do all of that yet while i need to help myself and get on the road to it. Makes sense.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  9. #9
    Member Kymlee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    Guesstimate is that figuring those things out early on makes us feel even more estranged from other people.
    THIS!

    I get on with people really well, but even when I'm in a crowded room with friends and stuff, I feel alone, and different. It's so weird.

    I feel insanely introverted even though I'm the most outgoing, friendly, fearless person ever.

    Makes no sense. I'm a walking oxymoron.
    lol.
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    -Sydney J. Harris

  10. #10
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Ive seen both ENFJs and ENFPs have that problem.

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