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  1. #1
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    Default How do you get an INFJ to forgive you?

    I inadvertently insulted and offended a friend who is an INFJ. It has been a few days and he is still mad, sending sarcastic responses to my emails. :steam:

    As an IsFP (Peacemaker) forgiveness comes so easily to me. I know that I myself am not perfect and can be insensitive. Therefore I easily forgive others who have hurt me and later have shown remorse.

    So I don't understand why it is taking him so long to forgive despite my heartfelt apologies. I seem to be making the matter worse by trying to explain and defend my offensive comments. I don't want to lose this friendship. I don't know what else to do?

    I don't know if this means that I am not worth granting forgiveness. I tend to forgive those who are most significant in my life more easily over those who are not. Is that the same with INFJs? Or are they just hypersensitive the more they care what you think of them?

    Thanks for your response.

  2. #2
    Phantonym
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    You most definitely are worth granting forgiveness, so don't worry about that. I think your friend just needs some time to analyze his feelings about the whole situation.

    You're most probably right about the hypersensitivity. I can't speak for all INFJ's, but I tend to hold people closest to me to high standards, so when they happen to hurt my feelings, it takes a while to sort out how I feel. With others, I don't offend easily.

    Give it some time, don't try so hard to make contact but don't get offended by the lack of contact for a while. It is not meant to hurt you deliberately. Most likely, when your friend is ready to discuss things, he will contact you.

    Good luck with everything!
    Last edited by Phantonym; 04-03-2010 at 07:09 AM.

  3. #3
    Junior Member sillylittlemouse's Avatar
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    Personally (as an INFx), I dont offend easily. It would have to be something malicious, something said or done with a precise, deliberate intention (at least from my point of view) to hurt me, to really cause offense. So if someone does manage to, then that's it. It's over. I wont harbor any ill feeling towards them but once that level of trust has been destroyed, it would take a hell of alot to be rebuilt. In that sense, I forgive, but I never forget.

    However the good news is that you said you inadvertantly offended your INFJ friend. So, it probably wont be instantaneous, but once they've mulled things over in their head (and the cooling off / sulking period may take a little while), eventually they'll see it wasn't a deliberate thing and come around.
    INFJs strongly value their close friendships and wont severe ties with anyone lightly.

  4. #4
    Senior Member HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julie1962 View Post
    I inadvertently insulted and offended a friend who is an INFJ. It has been a few days and he is still mad, sending sarcastic responses to my emails. :steam:

    As an IsFP (Peacemaker) forgiveness comes so easily to me. I know that I myself am not perfect and can be insensitive. Therefore I easily forgive others who have hurt me and later have shown remorse.

    So I don't understand why it is taking him so long to forgive despite my heartfelt apologies. I seem to be making the matter worse by trying to explain and defend my offensive comments. I don't want to lose this friendship. I don't know what else to do?

    I don't know if this means that I am not worth granting forgiveness. I tend to forgive those who are most significant in my life more easily over those who are not. Is that the same with INFJs? Or are they just hypersensitive the more they care what you think of them?

    Thanks for your response.
    Hmm...well I can't speak for all INFJs but I can speak for this one...and I sometimes act like this. I will respond sarcastically when someone apologises because I usually fall out with someone after letting a lot of things slide for a long time... when I say this, it isn't always things they have done...it could be just general problems piling up in my life. Then I usually fall out with them over something silly...but that silly something just pushes me over the edge.
    And yes, you probably are making it worse by explaining and defending your offensive comments. I can forgive someone is they are honest and say: "I screwed up. I can't make any excuses for what I did. I'm sorry." But when people try to excuse their behaviour...even if there reasons might very well be true and not just excuses...I feel that they are tryingto justify what they have done and this greatly offends me.
    I would just give him time. We need to hide from the world for a while when we are wounded and sort things in our head. Human contact just feels like a load of background noise when you're trying to concentrate. You have tried to make peace and you have apologised so that is all you can do. Some people have offended me accidentally but I feel pain very intensely so I can be a little self absorbed. I think that's what your friend is doing here. I wouldn't worry about not being worthy of forgiveness...you obviously care greatly about your friend so you are very worthy. I know us INFJs can be difficult so good luck with this. And if you need anymore help don't hesitate to ask us!
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

  5. #5
    Glycerine
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    Maybe your ENFJ husband can help translate what you are trying to say to the INFJ in XNFJ language? lol

  6. #6
    Supreme High Commander Andy's Avatar
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    Actions speak louder than words, as they say, especially to those of us who have extroverted judgement. Rather than saying you are sorry, have you tride doing something to show that you are?

  7. #7
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    What did you say?

  8. #8
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    It may just take him some time to work through things in his head. Although, in my case, the heartfelt apology and some attempt to make amends is usually enough.

    Though I have to confess I never really forgave my ex for hurting me, although he apologised, and he didn't do anything THAT horrific to me. But I guess that's my bad.

    There have even been a couple of cases where I held a grudge against someone for quite a long time, because they had hurt me a lot without seemingly caring much. Once they showed that they cared, though, and they extended a sincere apology, and listened to me ramble on about it a bit, all was ok. If he is willing to talk things through with you that could help a lot.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    I was very offended by a coworker recently and planned to doorslam her. I started avoiding her and only interacted with her when our job required it. After a few days of this though I began getting a vibe from her that she was remorseful for her previous actions and wanted to be on better terms with me again and wanted me to like her. Then I felt bad and thought that maybe I had overreacted. So I deactivated the doorslam and we're on better terms again, although I'm going to remain cautious around her until more trust is rebuilt.

    So... long story short, my advice would be not to overtly address the conflict with your INFJ, but subtly show some genuine remorse as you go about your routine and maybe the INFJ will key into it, even if they seem stoic at first......

  10. #10
    Senior Member scortia's Avatar
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    All it takes for me is for that person to SINCERELY apologize and recognize their mistake. I don't hold many grudges and it takes a lot to upset me. But in those cases, if they other person doesn't "learn their lesson" then forgiveness is pointless. Also, INFJs need time. We have to adjust our feelings and let that hate turn into a feeling of loss and a desire to regain the other party's company. Things always go into perspective with time.

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