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  1. #11
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I agree. It's malicious intent to hurt me that I find hardest to forgive. If you show him that you are truly sorry and you didn't mean to hurt him in the first place, I think he will be able to get past it soon enough.

  2. #12
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    I've never understood why "I'm very sorry if I offended you -- what can I do to make it up to you?" is so difficult for people to say. It's always all about you: I didn't mean to do it...I did it because I had a really bad day...I really thought I was trying to do ______ and you misunderstood... I never intended to hurt you... and so on. Show that you're really concerned about the person you offended and not that you need to save face.

  3. #13
    heart on fire
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    .
    INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

    Male INFJs have a more problematic situation because the qualities naturally preferred by INFJs are not those traditionally considered to be "male". To counter the image of being weak, male INFJs can become stubborn, often to a degree disproportionate to the situation at hand. They are capable of taking a seemingly small issue and making it seem as if the entire world -- or at least their masculinity -- were riding on the outcome.
    Since you've already tried to apologize and see his side of things and recieved the high dudgeon treatment in return, I sort of assume your guy has done the above. My sympathy. It is not a nice place to be.

    I see two choices.

    1. Use an argument on him t break through his self-justifying Ni-Ti loop and reach his Fe sense of fairness. Something like: "Well how would you feel if you made some unintentional mistake and I never forgave you?"
    a. Punctuate with lots of "Okay, I am not perfect, I am only human." Be humble, vulnerable when you do it, don't let one milimeter of sarcasm come into your voice, totally prostrate yourself. You're flawed, you were wrong, etc.
    b. Expect lots of fire in return. It won't be an easy or pretty exchange at first.
    c. This is risky because they don't like being faced with their own stubbornness or unfair actions. They will have invested much into rationalizing their emotions, it won't be easy for them to let go of it.

    2. Wait. If you are important to him, he will come round sooner or later. But warning, they remember these incidents they way they saw them. Period. They can hold onto this sort of thing for years. That little mark against you in the scorebook. Oh well, no one's perfect.

  4. #14
    One day and the next Rainne's Avatar
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    Genuinely ask for forgiveness face to face.

  5. #15
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Show that you really want to understand what went into making the INFJ feel as frustrated as they are, listen to some venting, apologize sincerely, and then when it is safe, joke around a little and act normal. The INFJ will come around, as long as you seem to understand why it was a big deal to them and you feel bad for having hurt them.

  6. #16
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    Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement. The friendship is lost and I have moved on. Maybe one day he'll forgive, maybe not. I know who I am and how badly I felt and how sincere my apologies were. If someone can't forgive me perhaps it wasn't a true friendship afterall.

  7. #17
    Junior Member flylittlefeather's Avatar
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    Hi Julie1962,

    I am going through the same thing. Like you, I believe in 2nd chances, so it's sad to see a friendship let go in such a quick and absolute way. Sometimes when people end friendships, though, it's after they've been smoldering for a while, so they feel like they've been giving 2nd, 3rd, 4th... chances all along.

    Best wishes to you. What our friends did to us was pretty harsh, but it helps to know that other people are going through the same thing.

  8. #18
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Lily Bart's advice was the one that made the most sense to me. It's not a type thing... it's a friendship/caring thing, where you put someone else's needs above your own need for self-justification.

    Accept responsibility--no excuses, no justifications. Only in accepting responsibility can you truly feel remorse. You said it yourself--the more you tried to excuse your hurtful words, the more it seemed to push him away. If you take responsibility for your friend's hurt, it may end up hurting you, and that may be exactly what your friend needs to get over this... the sense that you share and understand his pain.

    But anyway, you've moved on. I'm hoping this may help other people who fall into this predicament.

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