[NF] Need for Human Contact/Touch

[LindseyLadybug]

I've discovered that I have a huge need for touch (as in non-sexual touch like hugs, etc). The problem is, I don't like being touched by just anyone. If I'm not close to a person, I don't necessarily want them touching me. But when it's a friend I'm close to, it means the world. I have a couple of friends who recognize this and occasionally hug me, etc. But sometimes when I'm sad, I just want someone to hold me (as childish as that sounds). I don't know how to ask for that. I have enough trouble asking for things like that because I was raised to believe that emotional needs aren't important. The friends who will do this are already always doing for others so I feel like I'm burdening them if I ask. I do things for them to give them a break and make them feel loved. There are so many times when I feel so alone but can't bring myself to ask for support without sounding like a whiny and needy person. It's not like I don't like being alone. I enjoy it and consider myself fairly independent. I had a friend tell me that because I don't ask for hardly anything from others because I'm afraid of their rejection, that my life is kind of bleak. I guess my question is, can anyone else relate to this dilemma? Or has anyone figured out the solution?

 

[Phantonym]

I can definitely relate to this, so you're not alone on this. I haven't figured out a solution other than completely supressing this need in myself. Don't try this at home, kids, it's not pretty.

I guess the solution I can see for this is that you become a little selfish when you really do need this. Getting over that initial thought of sounding too whiny and needy and feeling that you're being a burden is the hardest part. Because, in reality, you're nothing like that, everybody gets that way sometimes and especially when they feel alone and physical touch seems like something that really helps. Once you start doing that, it will get better.

I have a friend who is always very huggy and all and I actually had a huge problem with it initially because it felt like an awful invasion of my space as I wasn't the one initiating it. But I understood that it was her way of showing affection and that it was important to her and she expressed that.

So, I think the solution is to ask...even if it feels awkward at first, you'll get more comfortable with asking once you start doing that. Good luck with everything.

 

[yvonne]

aww...

ask your friends. i don't think they will mind holding you at all! i wouldn't. it's not like it's too much to ask.

 

[Phantonym]

aww...

ask your friends. i don't think they will mind holding you at all! i wouldn't. it's not like it's too much to ask.

I agree that friends wouldn't actually mind it at all. However, sometimes it does seem that it's too much to ask...for anything. So, I can understand the OP in this.

 

[Salt n' pepper]

i neeeeeeeed that rush of oxytocin! wish i didn't need people to provide it though.

my mind will go to dark places if my partner does not touch me for a whole day. i will bite his hands off, and justify if it by saying: what! you don't seem like you need them anyway!

 

[gromit]

This might be a dumb suggestion (and also because also I've never had a dog or cat or anything, so I don't know if it can feel the same), but... pets?

 

[Salt n' pepper]

This might be a dumb suggestion (and also because also I've never had a dog or cat or anything, so I don't know if it can feel the same), but... pets?

it's not dumb at all. pets can provide that same effect of touching another human being.

 

[Phantonym]

This might be a dumb suggestion (and also because also I've never had a dog or cat or anything, so I don't know if it can feel the same), but... pets?

It's not a dumb suggestion, not at all. I can agree that pets can be wonderful and it really does help. However...I don't know...there's still something missing, something that is very important and only another close human being can provide.

 

[yvonne]

really? i do get it, though... it's sad that sometimes our feelings get ignored, but there's a bigger chance that they will, if we don't open up... misunderstandings are sometimes sad, too.

 

[LeafAndSky]

Congratulations on being that perceptive about yourself.

One part of the solution might be to make sure you have more than one friend with whom you are mutually supportive, so that no one person ever does start to feel you as a burden. That way, you can relax more about asking for what you need.

EDIT: I know you did mention having more than one friend! I just mean this as a reminder to you or to anyone that it can work well to spread out among several very close friends (I had to pay attention to that while going through some difficult times a year ago and needing more in the way of listening or support than usual).

salt and pepper's comment, "i neeeeeeeed that rush of oxytocin!" reminded me:

It's surprised me that you can actually get that by mutually 'pretending' over the telephone to hug someone. As in, "Come here, let me give you a hug, just put your head on my shoulder." "Yeah, that's what I need, just someone to hold me for a minute." The feeling can get pretty darn close to the real thing.

Also, having older people and kids in your life helps in an ongoing or background way. They sometimes are very tuned in and seem to have a higher need for touch.

Be well!

 

[Unkindloving]

I can get this way. I have a group of friends that hugs when we greet and part. It calms a lot of that need down, but when i am by myself and upset the need is present.

I relate a lot to not being able to ask others for their presence/time. In my world, i am here to help them and never want to become their burden. It's off and sometimes you just have to stop hesitating and put yourself out there.
I'm very adverse to it so i don't speak from much experience, but if you can shut your mind up for 30 seconds, take a deep breathe, and send a text/make a phone call/say a phrase, you'll be closer to getting what you need.
If you feel whiny or needy, you can simply tell a person that. "I don't want to sound whiny/needy and normally wouldn't ask, but..." A good friend with understand and appreciate that. If they can't aid you then, they'll should be likely to do so in the future.

 

[kyuuei]

As far as pets.. They're a huge part of my life because it almost felt like it was never too much to ask of them to cuddle with them, or hold them, touch them.. It was never taken as sexual, it was never 'wrong', and more importantly, they were more than willing to do so..

I've spent most of my life thinking its 'wrong' to show affection to people. But it doesn't mean I didnt crave it.. pets were an excellent outlet for me. I think having pets in my life is a large part of why I'm functional now.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I don't really like to be touched outside of romantic gestures. BIG SURPRISE THERE!

But inside of a romance, it means a lot to me. It's my love language!

 

[LindseyLadybug]

I can definitely relate to this, so you're not alone on this. I haven't figured out a solution other than completely supressing this need in myself. Don't try this at home, kids, it's not pretty.

I guess the solution I can see for this is that you become a little selfish when you really do need this. Getting over that initial thought of sounding too whiny and needy and feeling that you're being a burden is the hardest part. Because, in reality, you're nothing like that, everybody gets that way sometimes and especially when they feel alone and physical touch seems like something that really helps. Once you start doing that, it will get better.

aww...

ask your friends. i don't think they will mind holding you at all! i wouldn't. it's not like it's too much to ask.

Thanks SiB and yvonne. It’s good to know I’m not the only one. I think many people assume that I don’t have needs or strong feelings because I don’t always show them. I’ve become a master at suppressing my emotional needs, though sometimes my face gives me away. My face can be quite animated, with or without my permission. So when I do approach someone when I’m hurt or whatever, I kind of clam up and the depth of emotion doesn’t always show. I try to ask nicely so as not to be rude and so the other person doesn't feel obligated to drop everything...but if I do, people are like, “Actually, I’m busy right now.” or “So and so needs me right now because her roommate is at work and she hates to be alone in her apartment.” I’m not exactly the squeaky wheel…so sometimes I get pushed aside because others are louder. Sigh.

 

[LindseyLadybug]

i neeeeeeeed that rush of oxytocin! wish i didn't need people to provide it though.

Seriously, I wish there was a way. I don't think other people understand how important it is to people like us.

my mind will go to dark places if my partner does not touch me for a whole day. i will bite his hands off, and justify if it by saying: what! you don't seem like you need them anyway!

LOL! That's one way to do it....

 

[LindseyLadybug]

This might be a dumb suggestion (and also because also I've never had a dog or cat or anything, so I don't know if it can feel the same), but... pets?

it's not dumb at all. pets can provide that same effect of touching another human being.

It's not a dumb suggestion, not at all. I can agree that pets can be wonderful and it really does help. However...I don't know...there's still something missing, something that is very important and only another close human being can provide.

really? i do get it, though... it's sad that sometimes our feelings get ignored, but there's a bigger chance that they will, if we don't open up... misunderstandings are sometimes sad, too.

I live in a dorm so we're not allowed to have pets. I come home on weekends so I get to see my cat then. Like SiB said, it's not the same. It helps sometimes but it's not a complete substitute for human contact. And yes yvonne, it is sad.

 

[LindseyLadybug]

Congratulations on being that perceptive about yourself.

Hehe. I actually overthink things.

One part of the solution might be to make sure you have more than one friend with whom you are mutually supportive, so that no one person ever does start to feel you as a burden. That way, you can relax more about asking for what you need.

Yeah, good point. That helps a ton. I have about 2 friends who are touchy feely. Clearly I need to find more touchy feely friends...

It's surprised me that you can actually get that by mutually 'pretending' over the telephone to hug someone. As in, "Come here, let me give you a hug, just put your head on my shoulder." "Yeah, that's what I need, just someone to hold me for a minute." The feeling can get pretty darn close to the real thing.

It's so true! Words of affirmation are right up there with physical touch. I love receiving letters.

Also, having older people and kids in your life helps in an ongoing or background way. They sometimes are very tuned in and seem to have a higher need for touch.

I used to work at a daycare with infants and it was so nice to be able to cuddle with the babies.

 

[LindseyLadybug]

I can get this way. I have a group of friends that hugs when we greet and part. It calms a lot of that need down, but when i am by myself and upset the need is present.

I relate a lot to not being able to ask others for their presence/time. In my world, i am here to help them and never want to become their burden. It's off and sometimes you just have to stop hesitating and put yourself out there.
I'm very adverse to it so i don't speak from much experience, but if you can shut your mind up for 30 seconds, take a deep breathe, and send a text/make a phone call/say a phrase, you'll be closer to getting what you need.
If you feel whiny or needy, you can simply tell a person that. "I don't want to sound whiny/needy and normally wouldn't ask, but..." A good friend with understand and appreciate that. If they can't aid you then, they'll should be likely to do so in the future.

That's a good idea. I should preface my requests. I actually have a friend who is ENFJ like you and she is wonderful. She doesn't just speak to me at a distance, she takes my arm or puts her arm around me. She's my favorite person to hug and receive hugs from. One time when I was going through a difficult circumstance, she offerred to let me talk with her about it. Then when I couldn't talk anymore without feeling like I was going to cry (and I didn't want to cry in front of her), she just held me. I always thank her when she does something for me and ask her how she's doing. Or I'll send her an e-mail during one of her busy weeks with a funny video attached because I know she does a lot for others and gets little to nothing in return. I feel guilty for asking her for much because she gives so much.

 

[LindseyLadybug]

As far as pets.. They're a huge part of my life because it almost felt like it was never too much to ask of them to cuddle with them, or hold them, touch them.. It was never taken as sexual, it was never 'wrong', and more importantly, they were more than willing to do so..

I've spent most of my life thinking its 'wrong' to show affection to people. But it doesn't mean I didnt crave it.. pets were an excellent outlet for me. I think having pets in my life is a large part of why I'm functional now.

Pets are so sweet, aren't they? I don't know what I'd do without my cat.

 

[LindseyLadybug]

I don't really like to be touched outside of romantic gestures. BIG SURPRISE THERE!

But inside of a romance, it means a lot to me. It's my love language!

Yes, touch is definitely my love language along with words of affirmation and quality time. I don't feel close to people unless I've had a deep conversation with them and we've hugged. Haha. Sounds silly, doesn't it?