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  1. #11
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    I can get this way. I have a group of friends that hugs when we greet and part. It calms a lot of that need down, but when i am by myself and upset the need is present.

    I relate a lot to not being able to ask others for their presence/time. In my world, i am here to help them and never want to become their burden. It's off and sometimes you just have to stop hesitating and put yourself out there.
    I'm very adverse to it so i don't speak from much experience, but if you can shut your mind up for 30 seconds, take a deep breathe, and send a text/make a phone call/say a phrase, you'll be closer to getting what you need.
    If you feel whiny or needy, you can simply tell a person that. "I don't want to sound whiny/needy and normally wouldn't ask, but..." A good friend with understand and appreciate that. If they can't aid you then, they'll should be likely to do so in the future.
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  2. #12
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    As far as pets.. They're a huge part of my life because it almost felt like it was never too much to ask of them to cuddle with them, or hold them, touch them.. It was never taken as sexual, it was never 'wrong', and more importantly, they were more than willing to do so..

    I've spent most of my life thinking its 'wrong' to show affection to people. But it doesn't mean I didnt crave it.. pets were an excellent outlet for me. I think having pets in my life is a large part of why I'm functional now.
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  3. #13
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    I don't really like to be touched outside of romantic gestures. BIG SURPRISE THERE!

    But inside of a romance, it means a lot to me. It's my love language!



  4. #14
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    I can definitely relate to this, so you're not alone on this. I haven't figured out a solution other than completely supressing this need in myself. Don't try this at home, kids, it's not pretty.

    I guess the solution I can see for this is that you become a little selfish when you really do need this. Getting over that initial thought of sounding too whiny and needy and feeling that you're being a burden is the hardest part. Because, in reality, you're nothing like that, everybody gets that way sometimes and especially when they feel alone and physical touch seems like something that really helps. Once you start doing that, it will get better.
    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    aww...

    ask your friends. i don't think they will mind holding you at all! i wouldn't. it's not like it's too much to ask.
    Thanks SiB and yvonne. Itís good to know Iím not the only one. I think many people assume that I donít have needs or strong feelings because I donít always show them. Iíve become a master at suppressing my emotional needs, though sometimes my face gives me away. My face can be quite animated, with or without my permission. So when I do approach someone when Iím hurt or whatever, I kind of clam up and the depth of emotion doesnít always show. I try to ask nicely so as not to be rude and so the other person doesn't feel obligated to drop everything...but if I do, people are like, ďActually, Iím busy right now.Ē or ďSo and so needs me right now because her roommate is at work and she hates to be alone in her apartment.Ē Iím not exactly the squeaky wheelÖso sometimes I get pushed aside because others are louder. Sigh.
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  5. #15
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    i neeeeeeeed that rush of oxytocin! wish i didn't need people to provide it though.
    Seriously, I wish there was a way. I don't think other people understand how important it is to people like us.

    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    my mind will go to dark places if my partner does not touch me for a whole day. i will bite his hands off, and justify if it by saying: what! you don't seem like you need them anyway!
    LOL! That's one way to do it....
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  6. #16
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    This might be a dumb suggestion (and also because also I've never had a dog or cat or anything, so I don't know if it can feel the same), but... pets?
    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    it's not dumb at all. pets can provide that same effect of touching another human being.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    It's not a dumb suggestion, not at all. I can agree that pets can be wonderful and it really does help. However...I don't know...there's still something missing, something that is very important and only another close human being can provide.
    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    really? i do get it, though... it's sad that sometimes our feelings get ignored, but there's a bigger chance that they will, if we don't open up... misunderstandings are sometimes sad, too.

    I live in a dorm so we're not allowed to have pets. I come home on weekends so I get to see my cat then. Like SiB said, it's not the same. It helps sometimes but it's not a complete substitute for human contact. And yes yvonne, it is sad.
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  7. #17
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LeafAndSky View Post
    Congratulations on being that perceptive about yourself.
    Hehe. I actually overthink things.

    Quote Originally Posted by LeafAndSky View Post
    One part of the solution might be to make sure you have more than one friend with whom you are mutually supportive, so that no one person ever does start to feel you as a burden. That way, you can relax more about asking for what you need.
    Yeah, good point. That helps a ton. I have about 2 friends who are touchy feely. Clearly I need to find more touchy feely friends...


    Quote Originally Posted by LeafAndSky View Post
    It's surprised me that you can actually get that by mutually 'pretending' over the telephone to hug someone. As in, "Come here, let me give you a hug, just put your head on my shoulder." "Yeah, that's what I need, just someone to hold me for a minute." The feeling can get pretty darn close to the real thing.
    It's so true! Words of affirmation are right up there with physical touch. I love receiving letters.

    Quote Originally Posted by LeafAndSky View Post
    Also, having older people and kids in your life helps in an ongoing or background way. They sometimes are very tuned in and seem to have a higher need for touch.
    I used to work at a daycare with infants and it was so nice to be able to cuddle with the babies.
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  8. #18
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I can get this way. I have a group of friends that hugs when we greet and part. It calms a lot of that need down, but when i am by myself and upset the need is present.

    I relate a lot to not being able to ask others for their presence/time. In my world, i am here to help them and never want to become their burden. It's off and sometimes you just have to stop hesitating and put yourself out there.
    I'm very adverse to it so i don't speak from much experience, but if you can shut your mind up for 30 seconds, take a deep breathe, and send a text/make a phone call/say a phrase, you'll be closer to getting what you need.
    If you feel whiny or needy, you can simply tell a person that. "I don't want to sound whiny/needy and normally wouldn't ask, but..." A good friend with understand and appreciate that. If they can't aid you then, they'll should be likely to do so in the future.
    That's a good idea. I should preface my requests. I actually have a friend who is ENFJ like you and she is wonderful. She doesn't just speak to me at a distance, she takes my arm or puts her arm around me. She's my favorite person to hug and receive hugs from. One time when I was going through a difficult circumstance, she offerred to let me talk with her about it. Then when I couldn't talk anymore without feeling like I was going to cry (and I didn't want to cry in front of her), she just held me. I always thank her when she does something for me and ask her how she's doing. Or I'll send her an e-mail during one of her busy weeks with a funny video attached because I know she does a lot for others and gets little to nothing in return. I feel guilty for asking her for much because she gives so much.
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  9. #19
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    As far as pets.. They're a huge part of my life because it almost felt like it was never too much to ask of them to cuddle with them, or hold them, touch them.. It was never taken as sexual, it was never 'wrong', and more importantly, they were more than willing to do so..

    I've spent most of my life thinking its 'wrong' to show affection to people. But it doesn't mean I didnt crave it.. pets were an excellent outlet for me. I think having pets in my life is a large part of why I'm functional now.
    Pets are so sweet, aren't they? I don't know what I'd do without my cat.
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

  10. #20
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    I don't really like to be touched outside of romantic gestures. BIG SURPRISE THERE!

    But inside of a romance, it means a lot to me. It's my love language!

    Yes, touch is definitely my love language along with words of affirmation and quality time. I don't feel close to people unless I've had a deep conversation with them and we've hugged. Haha. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
    "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes...I fancy myself to be a 64-color box...I can only meet the 8-color boxes...I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation...so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, "Hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "Oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!" -John Mayer

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