hello fellow enfp,
I know an INFJ women who is actually very sweet and caring but is having an affair with a married man who we both work with. I have never actually questioned her about this but I spoke with a few other INFJs. They use a different set of cognitive functions than ENFPs. I think they can actually be a lot more caring to be honest on the day to day, but I think it also allows a few who are not so happy to have the ability to do things like have an affair and maintain a level of emotional distance that few enfps can manage. I think Fe allows them to distance themselves and be much more cautious in how they deeply they connect than the average enfp can. Fe is a beautiful function that I envy everyday for how it is so caring and loving of the others, but it is very different from our Fi.
Affairs are not about sex-they are about core relationship issues most often. She was likely is using the affair as a distraction, from those issues but does did love her husband. I understand your pain, I find it legitimate, and say it is not unreasonable, so would never dream to judge you-just make suggestions.
What you are feeling-the frustration and the need to talk through the problem with her-these both derive from the way you are programmed as an enfp. You use Te to resolve problems when in pain. To relieve the pain you feel a need to discuss in a blunt point by point fashion what went wrong and force an acknowledgement of error and a logical solution. If that is not allowed you feel a desire to lash out angrily to stop the pain, to quell it. It is Te driving you to solve the problem.
An INFJ uses Fe and thus her behavior in this situation will be almost opposite in nature-by innate programming. The other INFJs can explain her motives and thoughts far better than I-but her behavior will be to withdraw and avoid conflict. She has decided it is not a path she wishes to move forward on. INFJs are pretty stubborn so nothing you can say will change her mind on this issue.
This Fe behavior will feel distinctly like you have been shunned. It will be extremely painful as the worst thing you can do to an enfp is to allow them to open up to you honestly, share their emotions, then to shun and reject them as flawed.
However in this situation, you are an ant banging on the walls of a castle. The harder you push an Fe user, the more she will retreat away from you and the colder her response will be. This is a losing situation.
This will be harsh but you need to recognize a few very certain truths:
1) She did not have the emotional tie you had. She did not feel the depth of feelings that you did. It is perfectly okay to be very hurt by that confusion. Most enfps are pretty intense when we love and authentic and sincere. I have never felt Fe, but it seems that love in an Fe relationship is a more complex unfolding thing, than the simple Fi that enfps use.
2) She is a lost cause. Her withdraw is a sign she is not interested in anything more to do with you. Whatever her rational, it is over. She is placing Fe barriers between you and her. You will not improve matters by pushing forward. She will call you a stalker. I would suggest a very strong retreat actually. Completely sever your contact with her. This will allow you to heal.
3) Ask your self this-would you have really wanted to trust your heart and soul to someone who would hurt another person the way she hurt her husband and you? You are trusting the most sacred part of yourself to another-make sure they are worthy of that love and will not abuse your trust. Your soul is beautiful. Cherish it, find worth in yourself and find distance from this person who continues to hurt you.
4) Look inside yourself-I cannot judge you-it is not my place to judge others-You must apply your own values to your actions. I would suggest you think upon why did you think it was okay to have an affair with this women who was married? Look inside and feel not just your pain. Feel her husbands pain. Imagine his pain if he found out. Let yourself feel that and recognize you hurt another person. You have sort of reaped the rewards of what you sowed it seems.
It will be difficult as when we are under stress and in pain we resort to our inferior Si and it makes us fixate on the thing causing our pain-in your case this INFJ. You will feel trapped in cycles of pain and anger.
You need to first establish a significant distance between you and her.
Second find a task or project that occupies your mind and heart. Visit loved ones, read a good book, start a project, painting, gardening, star gazing, something to distract you. Recognize this pain will not abate, but will continue onwards for awhile longer. Allow yourself to feel it, acknowledge it, then forgive her for the pain she inflicted. Anger is of no use, so let it drift away into nothingness. If you can find a hobby which involves kinesthetic aspects-like painting, these seem to allow an externalization of that pain you feel.
Seek affirmation of your worth from other friends-recognize that you are loved and cherished, even if not by this particular person. Your feelings are real, your hurt is legitimate, and it is fair to feel this way, it is how you are designed but you have to let go.
There are many, many others who would love you in return and cherish you. Forgive her, but in your mind begin to sever all ties to her, all emotional connectivities. They were in vain and wasted from the start. Just move on.