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  1. #11
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    I live with two other people in my apartment. One is my sister who isn't around a lot actually, and the other is a VERY extroverted ENFJ. A lot of the time when we are both home it is like I don't even have any of my own feelings, like I am just swallowed up by whatever my roommate is feeling. I am trying to understand the functions more (as well as this relationship)... So, do you think this happens because my roommate is more extroverted than me or is it because ENFJ has Fe as dominant while ENFP has Ne as dominant and Fi as auxiliary?

    ...
    Bingo (to the bold). I don't think you have boundary issues, I think SHE has boundary issues (that is, if the problem is exclusive to her), and you're just empathetic.

    Part of Fi is having time alone to process things, reflect on what's important in life, etc. These things give us a sense of identity and focus. So, if you never get this time, it's only natural that you'd feel like you're loosing yourself.

    Tell her to back it up, and if she doesn't, try taking daily walks until you move out.

    "OMG I FEEEEEEEEEL SO INTENSELY ABOUT EVERYTHING OMG OMG OMG GET ME A XANAX" -Priam (ENFP impersonation)

  2. #12
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Oh dude. I had the same issue with a flatmate a few years ago. I won't go into details, but I feel for you.
    1. Give your self permission not to feel what she is feeling. It works to a degree. You can't shut off entirely, but at least, you won't be swept away with the tide of her emotion. Also it means, you have enough space to feel your own feelings.
    2. Do what you must so your room is your private sanctury. I had issues with my flatmate just walking in whenever the hell she pleased, which did not help anything. I made it very clear that was unacceptable, that she was never to come into my room with out my presence. I went to great efforts, to make my space my own. Surrond your self with all the things that make you feel happy (or soothed). Keep your door closed at all times. Her emotinal influence in this space will lessen with time if you make your boundries firm within this space.
    3. Make sure you have hobbies and friends seperate from her. You'll need it. Also walking is good, and take advantage of any time alone to sort your thoughts out. It also helps if you place some your own objects out in the shared space. Assert you are a person too (it's subcouncious thing, trust me, the more you assert yourself non verbally the less she is likely to overwhelm you.)
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  3. #13
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I've read (somewhere that i can't find) that ENFJs are notorious for polluting the emotional air, in both positive and negative ways.
    We're less likely to affect people in brief situations, but you're getting the brunt of it because you live with her. It's like Gollum's cave. We hobble back into our dwelling with our "Precious" and wallow with it. In the ENFJ case, the 'precious' is our left over thoughts and emotions and the lack of facets we show toward people outside of the dwelling.
    That is an interesting way of putting it, and it helps me to understand a lot better, actually. I am very close to her - we are good friends, and I think she feels safe letting go of those left over thoughts and emotions around me, probably because she knows I will not judge them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    Beyond this:
    How frequently does the ENFJ overpower with negative feelings?
    Have you discussed the cause of negative feelings when they are apparent?
    Are you also concerned about the positive feelings?
    Does the ENFJ get out and about with others a good amount?
    I typically know what is causing the positive and negative feelings, and we do talk about it. Often, like you say, they are remnants of the day, leftover feeling substance that has been held in for a long time. I understand that she needs a safe space to let go of it all. She spends a lot of time with other people, and I suspect that might have something to do with it.

    The thing is, it's not just the negative feelings that make me feel overwhelmed. It is positive ones too. Or just... different energy levels. Maybe I just want to feel what I am feeling. Maybe I need to be reflective. Maybe I need to mourn something a little bit. Maybe I need to cherish a certain moment or event. It's not always a big deal - I'd say a lot of the time it's fine, but just sometimes I wish I had some sort of barrier or something.

    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    I'm really big about just addressing the issue. Are you and your roommate close? If so when you feel that negative energy ask her whats wrong. Get it out of her. It may make dealing with it easier or in the least you will know what the problem is.

    Maybe if she has someone to vent to (a lot of ENFJs dont depsite how many others they help) the mood in the house will lighten.
    Yes we are close, and she will often talk to me about whatever is going on in her life. Like Unkindloving was saying about the left over thoughts and emotions. I think part of the problem is that I am the person to vent to a lot of the time, because she knows I am "safe" - that I will treat what she is feeling and experiencing with kindness and unjudgemental respect...

    But yeah... it's not even just the negative feelings. It is all of them.

    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix13 View Post
    Part of Fi is having time alone to process things, reflect on what's important in life, etc. These things give us a sense of identity and focus. So, if you never get this time, it's only natural that you'd feel like you're loosing yourself.

    Tell her to back it up, and if she doesn't, try taking daily walks until you move out.
    Yes this is a good suggestion. I guess I like to think of my home as the place where I can process and reflect and sort of retreat, but that is mostly because that's how I think of it, not because that's how it needs to be. Walking is a great idea, and I think also going to the park in my neighborhood now that it is beginning to get a little warmer...
    Last edited by proteanmix; 03-27-2010 at 09:41 AM. Reason: merged posts

  4. #14
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FireyPheonix View Post
    Oh dude. I had the same issue with a flatmate a few years ago. I won't go into details, but I feel for you.
    1. Give your self permission not to feel what she is feeling. It works to a degree. You can't shut off entirely, but at least, you won't be swept away with the tide of her emotion. Also it means, you have enough space to feel your own feelings.
    This is a good idea. I have been sort of trying to do it recently, and it does seem to be helping. I guess visualization could probably be pretty helpful here. Like visualizing emotional space or something?

    Quote Originally Posted by FireyPheonix View Post
    2. Do what you must so your room is your private sanctury. I had issues with my flatmate just walking in whenever the hell she pleased, which did not help anything. I made it very clear that was unacceptable, that she was never to come into my room with out my presence. I went to great efforts, to make my space my own. Surrond your self with all the things that make you feel happy (or soothed). Keep your door closed at all times. Her emotinal influence in this space will lessen with time if you make your boundries firm within this space.
    And probably physical boundaries are important too... she is generally pretty good about those, and I have been focusing on it more recently as I've been realizing these emotional space dynamics.

  5. #15
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    Thanks everybody for the thoughts and ideas and suggestions.

    I guess the conflict I feel is between a desire/instinct to provide a safe space for her to vent or let out the stuff she has to keep from the rest of the world and my own emotional needs. I guess I just need to be more conscious about emotional space and also the ways that physical space can shape that and be more active in defining emotional space for myself when I need it.

  6. #16
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    1. gromit: this is the multiquote button . Whenever you want to respond to several people, just click on that button in their post and then hit reply.

    2. I really don't know what to say to you but I know what you mean. I've always felt Fe was more about emotional expressiveness and modes of expression than social protocol.

    I'm a Fe dom and that happens...I realized it I think in my early 20s in a situation similar to yours, with roommates. I didn't particularly notice it with family because it's probably always been that was and everyone grows used to it. I got 75% control over within the last couple of years and this was one of the ways this forum was beneficial in helping me examine my behavior. Like you pointed out, this doesn't mean positive or negative. I think I realized the positive effects quicker than the negative effects. A portion of it is feedback from the environment that the Fe in question may be manufacturing themselves...something like reuptake. I think it also depends on how sensitive you are to the emotional environment (which you seem to be) because some people are downright oblivious and don't notice a thing so it doesn't bother them.

    This is one of the reasons why I categorize people so much into those I know can handle me and those I know can't. I think that a self-monitoring Fe dom knows when to contain themselves and when to unleash if they have conscious control over this. Fe feels more comfortable taking the temperature and monitoring the atmosphere of others, but not monitoring yourself can be a huge blindspot. OTOH, feeling like you don't have to do this for a particular person is a huge relief and it feels like you can relax and sit back.

    I mention that to say perhaps your friend feels like you are someone she can reveal herself to fully, someone she doesn't have to monitor. Also she may feel like she's at home and where can she let her hair down. This depends on how heavily she factors in having roommates vs. "I'm at home." Maybe you can do a little investigation to see if she does this around other people or just around you. If she can keep a lid on it around others but not around you, perhaps she trusts you with these parts of herself.

    This is actually a nightmare situation for me that you're talking about--having someone I felt like I didn't have to monitor feel overwhelmed by me. I know I can be handful and I so deeply appreciate and am thankful for my family and friends who love me regardless and tell me when I'm starting to feel myself a little too much.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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