Deeply sad. Defeated. Scared. The decisions I'm currently making in my life are so hard. There is no right answer. I decided to go to UCLA for college but I'm regretting it so much. I have to follow my SO. I need to, for his sake. He has a lot of demands, and it's hard, but I want to make him happy because he's so kind, so caring and I know he feels so guilty for wanting these things. He'll do whatever he can to give me everything else. Not many of the demands make a lot practical sense on the outside. But I know him, I understand him, and I wish people could trust me on that. His heart... it is so kind, so deeply sensitive. He's entrenched in darkness, guarded from the world, cynical on the outside and I want to give him my light. So the little idealist in him can come out some more. So he can hope more and not have to be afraid to hope anymore. I want him to be happy, so much. My needs are few and quite easily met. His aren't.
But it's not so simple. We don't have money. My parents, especially my mother, won't cooperate. I'm fighting with them every day. It's so much. It's not just a matter of going through with this and saying fuck them... there are other complications. He's international... There are hurdles with getting married and getting him a green card (to save money by obtaining residency after a year or so). I have absolutely no money basically and my parents are so extremely controlling and abusive, it's ridiculous. I'm crying so hard, crying as I do every day. I've been planning this for 10 months and it's all going to shit. Everything changes every day; nothing is certain. I only know that I love him and he is one of the only people to make me feel safe and loved. I know he won't leave me because he's too loyal. He'll protect me and treat me right... love me and try to make up for every time I've ever been hurt. The least I can do is try to give back.
But it's just so, so hard. If we had even a little money, this would go much more smoothly. As it is, I don't know if either of us are going to find a job, if we'll be able to support ourselves, if we won't be living on the streets soon after we finally meet. That's another thing too. Everyone's telling me to be cautious of him because we met online on PerC. I get the fear, the concern, truly. But I know him, I really do, and I'm not certain of much, but I'm certain of him. When I met him and we started talking, I had a very visceral reaction to some things he said. I cried my eyes out and I just knew. Never in the year we've known each other have I doubted him. Maybe us working out because of all the obstacles, but not him, not really. I know him.
I hurt so much. I''m terrified, but I can't give up. I can't... I can't do that to him, but more than anything, I can't do that to myself. But I'm just so scared, so deeply scared and it's hard not to want to just run away.