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Thread: What are you feeling right now?

  1. #9841
    Senior Member Array Lunar Light's Avatar
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    Deeply sad. Defeated. Scared. The decisions I'm currently making in my life are so hard. There is no right answer. I decided to go to UCLA for college but I'm regretting it so much. I have to follow my SO. I need to, for his sake. He has a lot of demands, and it's hard, but I want to make him happy because he's so kind, so caring and I know he feels so guilty for wanting these things. He'll do whatever he can to give me everything else. Not many of the demands make a lot practical sense on the outside. But I know him, I understand him, and I wish people could trust me on that. His heart... it is so kind, so deeply sensitive. He's entrenched in darkness, guarded from the world, cynical on the outside and I want to give him my light. So the little idealist in him can come out some more. So he can hope more and not have to be afraid to hope anymore. I want him to be happy, so much. My needs are few and quite easily met. His aren't.

    But it's not so simple. We don't have money. My parents, especially my mother, won't cooperate. I'm fighting with them every day. It's so much. It's not just a matter of going through with this and saying fuck them... there are other complications. He's international... There are hurdles with getting married and getting him a green card (to save money by obtaining residency after a year or so). I have absolutely no money basically and my parents are so extremely controlling and abusive, it's ridiculous. I'm crying so hard, crying as I do every day. I've been planning this for 10 months and it's all going to shit. Everything changes every day; nothing is certain. I only know that I love him and he is one of the only people to make me feel safe and loved. I know he won't leave me because he's too loyal. He'll protect me and treat me right... love me and try to make up for every time I've ever been hurt. The least I can do is try to give back.

    But it's just so, so hard. If we had even a little money, this would go much more smoothly. As it is, I don't know if either of us are going to find a job, if we'll be able to support ourselves, if we won't be living on the streets soon after we finally meet. That's another thing too. Everyone's telling me to be cautious of him because we met online on PerC. I get the fear, the concern, truly. But I know him, I really do, and I'm not certain of much, but I'm certain of him. When I met him and we started talking, I had a very visceral reaction to some things he said. I cried my eyes out and I just knew. Never in the year we've known each other have I doubted him. Maybe us working out because of all the obstacles, but not him, not really. I know him.

    I hurt so much. I''m terrified, but I can't give up. I can't... I can't do that to him, but more than anything, I can't do that to myself. But I'm just so scared, so deeply scared and it's hard not to want to just run away.

  2. #9842
    raised from perdition Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Not sure if I'm effectively coping with my stress, or if I'm repressing it. Probably the latter.
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do
    you?

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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  3. #9843
    Senior Member Array captain curmudgeon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunar Light View Post
    Deeply sad. Defeated. Scared. The decisions I'm currently making in my life are so hard. There is no right answer. I decided to go to UCLA for college but I'm regretting it so much. I have to follow my SO. I need to, for his sake. He has a lot of demands, and it's hard, but I want to make him happy because he's so kind, so caring and I know he feels so guilty for wanting these things. He'll do whatever he can to give me everything else. Not many of the demands make a lot practical sense on the outside. But I know him, I understand him, and I wish people could trust me on that. His heart... it is so kind, so deeply sensitive. He's entrenched in darkness, guarded from the world, cynical on the outside and I want to give him my light. So the little idealist in him can come out some more. So he can hope more and not have to be afraid to hope anymore. I want him to be happy, so much. My needs are few and quite easily met. His aren't.

    But it's not so simple. We don't have money. My parents, especially my mother, won't cooperate. I'm fighting with them every day. It's so much. It's not just a matter of going through with this and saying fuck them... there are other complications. He's international... There are hurdles with getting married and getting him a green card (to save money by obtaining residency after a year or so). I have absolutely no money basically and my parents are so extremely controlling and abusive, it's ridiculous. I'm crying so hard, crying as I do every day. I've been planning this for 10 months and it's all going to shit. Everything changes every day; nothing is certain. I only know that I love him and he is one of the only people to make me feel safe and loved. I know he won't leave me because he's too loyal. He'll protect me and treat me right... love me and try to make up for every time I've ever been hurt. The least I can do is try to give back.

    But it's just so, so hard. If we had even a little money, this would go much more smoothly. As it is, I don't know if either of us are going to find a job, if we'll be able to support ourselves, if we won't be living on the streets soon after we finally meet. That's another thing too. Everyone's telling me to be cautious of him because we met online on PerC. I get the fear, the concern, truly. But I know him, I really do, and I'm not certain of much, but I'm certain of him. When I met him and we started talking, I had a very visceral reaction to some things he said. I cried my eyes out and I just knew. Never in the year we've known each other have I doubted him. Maybe us working out because of all the obstacles, but not him, not really. I know him.

    I hurt so much. I''m terrified, but I can't give up. I can't... I can't do that to him, but more than anything, I can't do that to myself. But I'm just so scared, so deeply scared and it's hard not to want to just run away.
    I know this isn't an advice thread, but I think you may be in particular need.

    First things first: In any relationship, save for parenting, your needs come first, and it's now or never. If you give in to letting others determine your happiness and direction now, it will become a LOT harder to get out of that pattern later in life. Your education is likely the most important goal you are working toward right now. This isn't going to sound pleasant, because it's not, but if your relationship can't survive through an expected and clearly defined goal like going away to college, it probably wasn't meant to last. College should be about developing your talents and interests, and pushing yourself to grow as a person. While some of that does involve finding people who match your wants and needs, the fact is that, without focusing on yourself first, this simply can't happen.

    Secondly, any relationship should, to some degree, be about achieving a balance of give and take. The fact that you've mentioned that your 'needs are quite few' and 'his aren't', while I can't be sure, leads me to suspect that you haven't found a balance. I could be wrong on that though, but I would need more detail to really give any insight here.

    I realize this probably sounds harsh. Unfortunately, this is the point in life where you will begin to need to make 'adult' decisions more and more frequently. The sooner you learn about yourself, the better you can respond to the world around you. I hope this helps in some way.
    Jarlaxle: fact checking this thread makes me want to go all INFP on my wrists

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  4. #9844
    Senior Member Array Lunar Light's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by captain curmudgeon View Post
    I know this isn't an advice thread, but I think you may be in particular need.
    No it's good. I understand. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    First things first: In any relationship, save for parenting, your needs come first, and it's now or never. If you give in to letting others determine your happiness and direction now, it will become a LOT harder to get out of that pattern later in life.
    Yes, I definitely see the issues there; I'm not unaware of them but finding a right answer has not been easy. It's hard to find balance for me. I've tried my best to fight for my own needs but ultimately, as I keep going back and forth, I still feel like this is the right choice. I would never call myself a weak-willed person or anything of that sort, but when it comes to people who matter most to me, it's harder to resist. The one thing I can say for myself is that, though I completely see your point, I'm too conflicted of a person to let it continue. I'm too aware of it, and much as I struggle, I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't let it go too far because of that.

    Your education is likely the most important goal you are working toward right now. This isn't going to sound pleasant, because it's not, but if your relationship can't survive through an expected and clearly defined goal like going away to college, it probably wasn't meant to last. College should be about developing your talents and interests, and pushing yourself to grow as a person. While some of that does involve finding people who match your wants and needs, the fact is that, without focusing on yourself first, this simply can't happen.
    Oh, don't worry about sounding pleasant. I know this is difficult to talk about, and that you're trying to be honest without being harsh is really kind of you. Thank you, truly. Yeah, education is very important. I want to get a good education and the plan was to go to the University of Washington instead, which is fine. I would have to delay going for a year probably as I try to support us and try to get residency myself, but I wouldn't give up on it. We both planned on getting PhDs :/. I know I should be focusing on just college, I know how much it means, but I have thought about this and feel like the sacrifices are worth it if we are looking at this in the context of my whole life. It is difficult, and I respect that you have a point in saying that if it doesn't last through something like this, it wasn't meant to be, but I have to say I disagree personally. I feel like that's a cop-out in some ways, though yeah, it makes practical sense to let it go. But I am considering myself, emotionally. I know this is worth fighting for, and I am growing with him. I've been growing throughout this whole process. It's forced me to consider the issues you've mentioned yourself... my issue with balancing my own needs and others', as well as some other obstacles. If anything, this is more of a challenge to balance than simply letting go of him. That's not balance; it's just the other side of the spectrum, though I understand that it's not really a fair comparison to make because naturally, I should focus more on myself. But it's hard not to see us as joint. It's hard to separate myself from him, even abstractly :/.

    Secondly, any relationship should, to some degree, be about achieving a balance of give and take. The fact that you've mentioned that your 'needs are quite few' and 'his aren't', while I can't be sure, leads me to suspect that you haven't found a balance. I could be wrong on that though, but I would need more detail to really give any insight here.
    No, I haven't found a great balance and I'm aware of it. We both are aware, both struggle with that and go back and forth :/.

    I realize this probably sounds harsh. Unfortunately, this is the point in life where you will begin to need to make 'adult' decisions more and more frequently. The sooner you learn about yourself, the better you can respond to the world around you. I hope this helps in some way.
    Again, no worries. Really, of the people I've talked to with a similar point of view to yours, you've been the most reasonable and objective and I sincerely appreciate that. I would say I have a decent awareness of myself (though I'm wary of becoming complacent and try my best to continue pushing for growth), but honestly it really hasn't helped in this situation. I come from a different perspective than a lot of people I know, who are more self-pres. I'm not in any way trying to just say that and disregard what you've said, but I know I place my emotional needs with others above my own individual/practical needs, as that's what brings me the most happiness and peace. And I do know my SO would not prevent me from pursuing what I want. It just probably wouldn't manifest the way it would for most college students.

    Still, I'm grateful for what you've written. I needed to be reminded of that, but in a more gentle way, as high-pressure makes it hard to think clearly. I might create an advice thread later... it's not a bad idea.

  5. #9845
    is Array indra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WALMART View Post
    You know what it takes come Monday morning...
    the bees made honey in the lion's skull


  6. #9846

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    Really happy. A really good friend that I hadn't talked to in forever contacted me tonight. It was just so great to hear from him. Made my day.

  7. #9847
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    Tired. Dinner with family made me tired enough as it is, but getting that phone call as soon as I got home made it exponentially worse. Driving to the hospital at 9:00 PM, standing in a tiny room in the Emergency department waiting for a doctor to show up and tell you what the hell seems to be going wrong with a loved one makes you tired.

    Really fucking tired. Tired of getting phone calls about people collapsing at home, ambulances, hospitals, doctors: tired of all this shit.

  8. #9848
    raised from perdition Array EJCC's Avatar
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    My triceps are so sore that I can barely lift my arms

    Quote Originally Posted by 93JC View Post
    Tired. Dinner with family made me tired enough as it is, but getting that phone call as soon as I got home made it exponentially worse. Driving to the hospital at 9:00 PM, standing in a tiny room in the Emergency department waiting for a doctor to show up and tell you what the hell seems to be going wrong with a loved one makes you tired.

    Really fucking tired. Tired of getting phone calls about people collapsing at home, ambulances, hospitals, doctors: tired of all this shit.
    This is awful. Is your loved one going to be ok?
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do
    you?

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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  9. #9849
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    This is awful. Is your loved one going to be ok?
    Don't know yet. We'll see. More tests to be done.

  10. #9850
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    Low moods, again. A change in diet and exercise may be what I need. I notice a family member doing very well because of this. Change is a comin'.

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