I don't know why I'm always so drawn to this thread, when I rarely know exactly what I'm feeling, and therefore am usually not 100% sure of the accuracy of what I post here. The Mystique of Feelings...
Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
want to ask me something? go for it!
I'm feeling how short life is. You never know when it's going to end. You never know when you're going to lose someone you love. Spend every moment you have with them loving them. That's what really matters.
A deep loathing for how weak/defective this PTSD shit makes me feel sometimes. Tired.
I hate how even after I've recognized a trigger & rationally/emotionally reconciled it, the physiological stress responses persist (muscle tension, shakiness, rapid heartbeat, heightened startle response), sometimes creating anxiety anew. Or how people IRL will notice it.. that I seem a bit off. I'm mentally feeling fine by then, but the delay in the physical responses slowing down indicates otherwise, so I get the probes and concerned looks from some friends who don't really get it. Attention drawn to things that need no attention. Things that just need a bit of time and space to run their course. Disrupting that/drawing attention to it refuels the anxiety, piles on new dimensions (the attention itself is triggering, in its own way.). Guilt. Sadness. Rinse/repeat. I can handle the 'physical delay' when I'm alone just fine- I'm able to focus on calming my body down, but when others are present, exposed to that kneejerk physical part of my PTSD.. things I can't turn off as quickly.. I feel so fucking.. tense. Fearful. Guilty- inherently parasitic. A deep, deep sense of shame.
Probably ironic/confusing that I'm drawing attention to it indirectly by writing this post, but perhaps writing/sharing without directly bothering anyone specifically about it helps me process, sometimes. Just getting it out of my head, shaping it with words. Stepping away and taking a look at it later. Getting potential feedback in a safe place. I dunno.
Overall I do all right. More good days than bad. But this, I guess, isn't one of 'em.
03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!
04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy
02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack
03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.
Not even sleeping pills will help me this night! There is nothing in the whole world that could be compared to my inner emotional turbulence right now, when will someone love me back? I find it hard to believe someone ever will, seeing as how I can't even make one single friend, and I mean it. There is no one in my life, no one at all, not even the slightest person! It's always been me, me, me, me, me... I wish I didn't need people so much, then I could be a hermit in peace, but I do need people... And it's constant torture, but I will endure! Somehow, somewhere...
Fired up, but for what I'm not sure of at the moment.
'Consciousness is not simply a sensory-perceptual affair, a matter of mental imagery, as the contents of our mind would have us believe. It is deeply enmeshed with the brain mechanisms that automatically promote action readiness' - Jaak Panksepp