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Thread: What are you feeling right now?

  1. #8541
    Post Human Post Array Qlip's Avatar
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    Confused? Confused that I'm not confused. I feel peaceful. They say the axman cometh, but I can only think of the good dreams I had last night.

  2. #8542
    hyggelig Array EJCC's Avatar
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    Too much going on, too many unknowns. I can sense all the stressors floating around me, but can't really feel anything about them until they crystallize into something I can react to. Hopefully some list-making and battle-planning will change this.
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do
    you?

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  3. #8543
    Boaty McBoatface Array SD45T-2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlip View Post
    Confused? Confused that I'm not confused. I feel peaceful. They say the axman cometh, but I can only think of the good dreams I had last night.
    "I think I'm confused, but I'm not sure." - Waj
    1w2-6w5-3w2 so/sp

    "I took one those personality tests. It came back negative." - Dan Mintz

  4. #8544
    Temporal Mechanic. Array Lexicon's Avatar
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    Trying to catch my breath.
    Or, catch a nap.

    A month ago my aunt was found dead in her house, and all that insanity/funeral crap ensued. Just as the dust was beginning to settle, Saturday I start pissing blood from a kidney stone/UTI (peeing what looked like cherry kool-aid was alarming, but my own stupid fault for not drinking enough water.. lesson learned).
    Resolved/ing that--

    --and now, my grandmother was put in the ICU yesterday. Stayed there all day/night. She's still in critical condition. Not sure if this is another of her self-inflicted things gone awry (yeah, even the elderly can be dysfunctional) or purely coincidental. I have suspicions based on certain precipitating events & other information.. but it's still a bit ambiguous at this point. Regardless- took the doc aside & gave full disclosure of her recent behavior & her psych history, that the rest of the family tiptoes around. You can't fucking do that when it's life & death. They have to examine any possibility, even if it ain't pretty. Even if the 'ugly' parts end up having no relation w/the current diagnosis, better to have all the info than not. Sigh.

    It's kinda 'wait & see' right now. Looking out for my grandfather, since he's the only moderately sane person left at this point. Just catching a quick nap before going back to the ICU. I convinced him to nap as well. Finally.

    Never a dull moment.
    Just need to shut my brain off.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  5. #8545
    Senior Member Array
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    When someone convinced me that a charming personality is key, the feeling of hopelessness inside of me grew stronger than when I thought looks and money was what mattered the most. Normally in this current state of mind I'd hate everyone in the whole world who are reciprocatedly in love, but this bitterness is not good for me. So I become self-hating instead, fully convinced that I'm one of the most atrocious and unlovable human beings of this world. This is also not good for me, and it's all about ME in my life. Because I have no one else! It's my own filthy fault for being a doorslamming reclusive, you probably think I regret it but I don't! I love me, ME, ME, ME, ME. I wonder, will someone detect my sarcasm? Will anyone read this far? I actually bore myself, I think I make such boring company. Listen to me rambling like a crazy person!

  6. #8546
    Mr. Blue Array entropie's Avatar
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    A lot of pride, as I feel always
    Progressive Trance
    Time will explain.
    ~Persuasion - by Jane Austen

  7. #8547
    Temporal Mechanic. Array Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
    Trying to catch my breath.
    Or, catch a nap.

    A month ago my aunt was found dead in her house, and all that insanity/funeral crap ensued. Just as the dust was beginning to settle, Saturday I start pissing blood from a kidney stone/UTI (peeing what looked like cherry kool-aid was alarming, but my own stupid fault for not drinking enough water.. lesson learned).
    Resolved/ing that--

    --and now, my grandmother was put in the ICU yesterday. Stayed there all day/night. She's still in critical condition. Not sure if this is another of her self-inflicted things gone awry (yeah, even the elderly can be dysfunctional) or purely coincidental. I have suspicions based on certain precipitating events & other information.. but it's still a bit ambiguous at this point. Regardless- took the doc aside & gave full disclosure of her recent behavior & her psych history, that the rest of the family tiptoes around. You can't fucking do that when it's life & death. They have to examine any possibility, even if it ain't pretty. Even if the 'ugly' parts end up having no relation w/the current diagnosis, better to have all the info than not. Sigh.

    It's kinda 'wait & see' right now. Looking out for my grandfather, since he's the only moderately sane person left at this point. Just catching a quick nap before going back to the ICU. I convinced him to nap as well. Finally.

    Never a dull moment.
    Just need to shut my brain off.

    What'm I feeling now?
    Disgusted. Sad. Very tired.

    Hangin' out in the ICU yesterday, my grandfather showed me in passing his daily blood pressure medication (we were talking about large pills, as I was about to take my antibiotic at the time). He pulls out this huge white & blue capsule.
    Looked it up online, got the name of it - gave the name of it to the doctor in the ICU, suggesting they screen for that in my grandmother's system.

    5am today- confirmed, she took too many of his BP meds. They said she'd be dead if we hadn't figured that out.
    The doctor's gonna sit my grandfather down & tell him at some point today.

    I am not surprised. She's always been unstable, & whenever my grandfather actually called her on her behavior because he just couldn't take it anymore, she would self-harm, cutting her wrists, blaming her children, doing a host of other crap. She was doing this well before my aunt's demise. This just happened in February as well-- when my grandfather had tried to set a boundary regarding her volatile behavior. Same exact 'medical mystery.' My grandfather stands up for himself- and suddenly she's gravely ill, and he dotes on her. All else is forgotten. Denial, sweep under the rug.. cycle of craziness and mental abuse continues.

    They fought Weds afternoon, then at around 6am Thurs, she woke him up insisting he take her to the hospital, only saying she felt 'very tired' and 'sick.' Nothing else. Her BP dropped over the course of hours, then dropped a LOT more by noon (probably peak concentration for a XR drug), & became critical. I mean, she's hooked up to a ventilator now. Her BP is back up to normal & her kidneys are going again, finally. Idk her overall prognosis but she seems to be slowly improving.

    I know this was the same Borderline crap she's done since before I was born. It's just sad. The lady needs a grief counselor for what happened with my aunt, but she also needs to be fucking institutionalized. She's gonna cause my grandfather to have another stroke. Seeing him turn ashy, and waver like he was about to collapse, when he saw her in her bed at the hospital.. god she's so fucking selfish. My poor Papa. He's a decent person.. honest, gregarious, funny.. worked 3 jobs to support his wife & 3 daughters, never took anything from anyone... list goes on. He's not a saint, obviously, no one is. But, jeez. He's loved this dysfunctional woman for 57 years.. with everything in him. He lost all of his friends and his immediate family.. isolated over the years by her behavior.. this is their life.
    His life.

    It just fucking aches to see that unfolding. To know the dynamic. To know that kind of messed up love.


    My heart is so fucking tired.. just.. absorbing the weight of that.. idea.. of that "life." For that long.
    He's been through too much.
    This needs to stop.
    He deserves some peace in his lifetime.

    I should try to sleep. Head feels so crammed with noise right now.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  8. #8548
    Meat Tornado Array DiscoBiscuit's Avatar
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    I feel happy
    Your representative owes you, not his industry only, but his judgment; and he betrays, instead of serving you, if he sacrifices it to your opinion.
    - Edmund Burke

    8w9 sx/so

  9. #8549
    yap yap yap Array xenaprincess's Avatar
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    mixed.
    Success with a top I made, contemplating another one in the same style. But then frustrated by another top.

    Super glad it's only Saturday. And day 21 of my (Paleo) diet! feeling great!!!

  10. #8550
    Healer-in-Training Array Morning Star's Avatar
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    Downstairs our modest house party is going on, and upstairs I'm here. Feeling so restless! Today it's been a little more difficult than usual to maintain polite conversation with the adults, when in my mind I've got a number of things worrying me at this time.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible... and then some.

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