Conflicted. I'm so so so glad I don't have to travel, i'm stoked that I'll get some one on one time with my oldest while everyone else travels, and thrilled I have 3 days to work because I really need the time. However, the reason for all this is that the oldest is quite sick. So mommy is stressed, too.
i stand and call for my son's name... and for that little instance, all the brainwashing that has probably happened since, manages to hold no sway.
instead he immidately recognizes me, shouting out "daddy!" ih that beautiful voice i miss so much, running towards me.
i lower myself to let him hug and hold to my neck, probably a bit more then i need, since my habits are gradual, and he has grown so much.
between his cries, i hear a whisper of her old lie, "mommy said you where gone, like melted chocolate".
then the urge comes over, so i want to tell him he the truth, i want to tell him how he was never abandoned, i would have never have left in choice.
already here, so much can be said on what has being done in that fantasy.
perhaps everything went according to plan.
perhaps my resolve and resourcefulness met if it didn't.
but one way or another, i found my way back,
over the ocean, with the knowledge i can stay.
and somehow, his love was more rasiliant then anything else.
she could not clean it away with all that she'd tell him.
his first emotion wouldnt be squiriming in fear at the lie of me leaving him.
already, so many assumptions...
...but then the scanerios start splitting away.
in one scanerio, i succumb to the urge, and simply answer, "mommy lied. daddy's here. daddy would never leave you".
as the sobbing wanes, i face him to say, "i know this must be scary for you. are you afraid if you'll get close daddy would leave again?"
and then he bursts in tears as a stone that was never meant for a child to carry falls of his shoulders, "yes" he tries saying...
i tell him "i know it's scary, but daddy can take that away. it will take time, but we can heal and be happy again.
i tell him of what's about to happen. that mommy is about to take him away right now, and daddy can't follow,
but that there are really nice women (lawyer & social worker) who can make sure mommy can never take daddy away.
and she? in this scanerio, if she tries to intervene at any point, i simply yell at her "keep your abusive hands off my son", creating a public context to slow her down.
there's another scanerio, where i say none of anything to reveal/insult, for in that scanerio i am just a bit wiser, and i know a son has to love and trust his mother, and in some cases, that means never finding the truth of how she has betrayed. in that version that i simply say, "Daddy's here now". i find reaffirming words that cancel the brainwash without devaluing it's source. i make a whole new lie for why i left.
yet in such a scanerio, i am unavoidably gaining the risk of the fear overcoming him, over a year lived in lies are telling him that i decided to leave, and without me, there would be nobody to face to stand by his side as he faces it, nobody to acknowledge it's existence. and so, in that scanerio i am terrified. and sometimes we manage to heal through the turmoil, and sometimes... sometimes we loose it all again, that unacceptable lose.
but between healing and falling in the battle for overocming such wounds, there is a 3rd scanerio. as if from another fantasy, that awful woman i somehow loved shows no hate and destruction, she doesn't fight it nor threatens to dissolve it immidately. she see's in him what he lost, and she see's in me the truths that she dodged, and somehow, despite all the times where she didn't, through some miracle of experience and element in her to have not yet solidified in the time of knowing her.. she see's herself. and so instead of fighting and breaking or taking and destroying, she remembers herself what lays there in front of her, and she asks to join. she comes and asks us to hug her as well... and somehow, on a weird path, in which me and her shell never be lovers or partners again, the unit restored isn't just me and him and him and her, somehow.. it is the family, that wonderful self made of three, that all three of us have lost.
such an untrustworthy dream, with so many assumptions, managing to be both pure and composite, my love and my fear, my sense of failure to protect, my demand for forgiveness and my wish to give it to her who would never know what to ask, with my unresolved hate...
and i am nothing if not lost within it, because for now, while the wheels still need turning, it is my only haven.