I've had this weird feeling I've not felt in awhile. It's a deadened apathy and indifference. I've mostly spent the entire day either staring at the monitor, riding a cycling bike around an open stretch of residential area, where I presumed I would photograph myself afterwards revealing I did such; only the lingering emotion of indifference and apathy. . . Like some pulverizing menacing reverie had extinguished some solipsism of expected renewal of enjoyment of society.
Part lack of trust, minor paranoia (no really; maybe its the extreme caffeine from drinking coffee again), unwillingness to write any worthwhile prose or poetry to express this gnawing antipathy, and the never-ending silence of disavowed chagrin of forlorn juxtaposition with years past when I reminisced in a similar state of mood.
This particular emotion has been more recent though is a recurring state of mood based off the ever-looming sense of purposelessness and disavowed relating to most people. I've almost gotten to the point that I expect very little in the form of interaction with others and that I am constantly pessimistic and moody.
I've started taken a supllement a few days ago called SAMe and initially was concerned about taking the full 400mg, in favor of 200mg (with weekly periods of not taking it). Didn't happen with smaller dosage, though I know my current emotions aren't due to this.
I work though have an odd schedule. I've accomplished in some ways more than despite not having credentials, only because my ability to perceive the correct social response could be considered superior; belying the dreaded F traits which I trump up to possessing empathy with reserved sympathy. I will sometimes act out things to better understand social conventions, perhaps as result of lacking nonverbal awareness (though still in the "normal range" which I've been in denial about to some extent.) The partial inability to adequately read people and the tendency to in some ways feel at a disadvantage in social situations, has possibly been responsible for feelings of inadequacy.
An upbringing that might also create a feeling of isolation; not just with siblings and peers but also due to a slight rebellious nature against social conventions (religion, teachers to some extent, parents that I didn't relate to and whom I felt were stifling and doting needlessly.)
And yes I'm an INTP; though maybe I'm a confused schizoid. I'm tall, straight (though perhaps reservedly), and have what I tend to believe to be an operant conditioned avoidance to social relations. It's as if I've been cursed by my upbringing to be incapable of desire to thrive and replacing normal face-to-face interaction to social sublimation over the internet. The only excuse I have for that is I was embarrassed to have anyone encounter my family and felt isolated because of differences with personality. Maybe I was really just insecure as were they, and I was really more concerned how they would perceive me?
Hair metal. Hair metal 24/7 man. Why? I don't know. It's really not that bad. It's sort-of weirdly fascinating maybe because I didn't grow up with it at all . . . like it'd long left the airwaves by the time I was a kid?
Wintery and introspective. It's like my soul is walking among a snowy valley and trudging through the forest, searching for something. What it is exactly, I don't know, but I feel a pull from within, the energy twisting and directing its way inwards.
“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche