Angry. Slightly guilty and wavering. But I refuse. I want to be angry right now. Tantrum or not, fair or not, I feel the need for it. If I am not angry for myself then no one else will be for me -I can't
expect them to- and I can't be weak. I have to have my own voice. So I am angry- fucking angry. But I will be nice enough to say- let me be angry. Don't get in my way of it. Even now- peacemaking. No anger. Anger. Anger. I am angry- I need to hold that for now.
Bored. My chores are done for today, and I have work tomorrow, but I wish I could do something. Oh well. I guess I'll just read my old story and see if I can finish it. It should take me at least a couple of weeks to finish it. I really need to get back to fiction writing!
Better. Happy that I can take my pill and just go to bed in a few hours and have the emotions flying at me today- at the very least get a break. I dont hurt right now. Nothing feels like it is ripping me to shreds from the inside out(i even rolled my eyes writing that but its true). I think I am sadded out- or at least its decreasing/draining. Thank god. Really. It was so bad. I need to protect myself better from everything so I dont have another day like this. I need a plastic bubble or something.
Am kind of 'not into' my SO these days, who is a Type 1 INTJ..who can be incredibly whiney and critical, especially when not feeling well, hungry or not in control. I am sometimes astounded that we are still together, and have managed to not state this fact all this time (knowing it would fan the flames and I'd hear more of it. I have a natural delayed emotional reaction to stress).
I grew up with extremely critical parents who were 0% in touch with me, and I think this no longer feels familiar. It feels really lousy. But the thought of a cloying partner feels lousy, too.
Anyway, there it is. I don't see leaving but I feel extremely alone.