"Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen."
Anxious. Very anxious. The boa constrictor is back. Im fucking terrified. Tunnel vision. Vunneling. Falling down a tunnel. I feel doomed. I feel like I am walking the green mile. I feel like I... I feel stuck I feel trapped I feel scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel so vulnerable. I feel just submissive to the feelings of vulnerability but upset by them at the same time. I am scared. I have therapy soon and I am absolutely motified. I am flipping out just a little bit. Just anxious. Very anxious. I am so tempted to skip. It is so terrifying. They know things. They know more things. Deep hurting things that they are... That are going to get aired and its so... I am afraid of drowining there. I am going to struggle. I know I am going to struggle. Maybe it will help me get stronger. That is the hope. That is the hope that forces me to go.
Even though... I feel like I am being lead around by a painful hook. I have to go. I can't stay here. This is the only way. I am scared though. I am near tears scared and I never cry. I don't really. I tear up but full blown tears are no... I just cant for some reason. But I would prefer to cry right now than have this crippling and painful anxiety.