I am just so fucking tired right now, both mentally and physically. I felt fine this morning, but then I realized how much I fucked up and I've been cycling back and forth between rage and panic. But there is no way for me to let out that rage. And I don't know exactly why I'm so physically tired. Maybe I am just out of shape, but part of me wonders if the near extremely high levels of anxiety involving hyperventilation, shaking, and caffeine had something to do with it.
In practice tonight it was for some reason very difficult for me to stand up from the floor from doing floor work and very difficult to do any leaps. I was just so fucking exhausted in a way that I never really experienced and I hated it.
I have been finding myself wishing more and more lately that I would get something like appendicitis, kidney stones, etc. I just want something to give me an excuse to do nothing and get a break for a short period of time without me just being a lazy, whiny cunt. Hell, on my drive home tonight, I was kind of hoping a drunk driver would hit me...not to kill me or severely injure me or anything, but just enough to get me sympathy and time to not have to think about anything.
I've felt a little ineffective and disconnected from reality lately. I feel like I need to accomplish something and do something physical. It's a balmy night here, so maybe I'll go to the beach for a swim.