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  1. #1
    Senior Member sketchymcsketcherson's Avatar
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    Default My friendships ALWAYS dissapoint me

    It might take a month or a year or three years, but in the end, something in my friendships always seems to fall through.

    Scenario 1:

    I get to know someone. We become pretty good friends over the course of time, then we just "drift apart" because of various reasons. This doesn't need much explanation because, in all honesty, everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about.

    Scenario 2:

    I get close to someone and we become good friends. I highly esteem this person at first, but then I detect little flaws in the person and become mentally critical of him or her. I try to ignore this kind of thinking, but the little voice of doubt keeps going and going. Sometimes this voice of intuition is right and something blatantly wrong happens down the road. Other times, the big dealbreaker never comes around, but I still find it hard to invest 100% of myself into such a friendship. I hate myself for it sometimes, but I can't forget flaws in people. There's just an immense sense of disappointment or betrayal and it cuts me so deep the wound never heals. No matter how hard I try to forgive and forget, the scar remains.

    Scenario 3:

    I get close to someone and we become good friends. However, after a time, I realize this person is of no use to me anymore. He or she fails to stimulate me mentally or in other ways. I've emptied the bottle, and nothing remains. Sometimes this situation manifests itself after a few months of friendship, when I realize I am more intelligent than the person and find him or her to be almost like a leech sucking the life out of me. Now, I realize this might sound really arrogant or heartless, but it's the truth. If I could fix these thoughts I would, but I can't. It's just the way I feel.

    Scenario 1 usually happens to me in friendships where I could see myself really enjoying a relationship with said person. Many of the friends in this category have either floated away or return infrequently to communicate with me.

    Scenario 2 often happens when I initially feel such a person is "stronger" or "better" than me. I'm drawn to these people because I detect some potential benefit or a possible good friendship. Many of my favorite friendships have gone this way.

    Scenario 3 can happen with almost any type of friendship, but it usually starts with mutual, genuine interest from both parties.

    How come so many of my friendships end up this way? Am I the only one with this problem? One thing's for sure, it's really taught me how reliable I am versus the rest of the world.
    For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

  2. #2
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sketchymcsketcherson View Post
    How come so many of my friendships end up this way? Am I the only one with this problem? One thing's for sure, it's really taught me how reliable I am versus the rest of the world.
    I think my friendships would all go this way if I was judging everyone against myself. Not trying to sound douchey & offensive but you can make sure those flaws you notice in you go away... but you can't get rid of them in other people. I get scenario 1. Usually the 'flaws' I see are things I just can't accept based on my 'value system'. I hate saying 'value system' because it seems too analytical. I just flat out think they are 'wrong', something they are doing is just 'wrong', so I move away from them until I'm not focused on the 'flaw' anymore... and they usually just drift away & come back sporadically. The 'flaws' are further usually huge mistakes that the people make with their own life that make me hate empathizing with them for their own consequences again & again. I sort of need time away from them so my empathy can be genuine. It sounds like your referring to flaws that affect you personally, I'm not sure how.

    What I don't have is scenario 2 & 3. I think all of my friendships stay in scenario 1 & just sort of expand & contract. We distance, then come back together again & again. Scenario 2 & 3 just sounds like you are looking to love 'people' in general. That'll never happen in my opinion. People in general, suck. A 'person', though, can usually be great. I have friends that are family. I just decided long ago that I was going to love them no matter what & they are the ones who have been there for years. I didn't put them through any trials. I just saw that they were genuinely good & I accepted them. Sure, I have my tiffs with them & have to get away sometimes, but I can be honest with them about what I see as 'flaws' & they can be honest with me. It doesn't phase us if we already know we aren't going anywhere. I think either you haven't met anyone you could just accept like that or you didn't let yourself get close enough to just do it.

    I think your experience is sort of normal. I think friendships are very much like romantic relationships in that they start sparky then explode, sputter out or ease into a warm glow that lasts. I think at least one of the reasons the lasting friendship is hard to find is because it takes both people working for it or one person holding things up until the other joins them. Our society kind of directs us to value acquaintances over true bonds to keep autonomy. You might be looking for friends in a sea of people who are looking for acquaintances in the guise of 'friendship.' If that were the case it would make sense why these people aren't making you comfortable with making them aware of your opinion of them. I think if you knew someone who had flaws, but knew you saw them, it wouldn't bother you as much because the connection would still seem real.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  3. #3
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    Nope, you're not the only one with this "problem". My friendships used to have 3 year life spans when I actually cared about friendships that much. When I was young, innocent and naive. Now...people just come and go, nobody ever stays and I see that as something natural, things are in constant change.

    I've never experienced Scenarios 2 and 3, though. Everybody has flaws and friends are not supposed to be your clowns, solely for your entertainment either.

    It's interesting really what you say about yourself being reliable and others being...not reliable.

    I think, in my case, I'm the one that ends up being unreliable all the time. This keeps happening over and over again for me and it has taught me that it's all about me, I have too high expectations for people and I expect them to give more than they're willing while I really don't give out much. I used to blame others when I was younger but now I just realize that I'm the one rotten to the core.

    Friendships have always been weird to me. The one mistake I always make with people and friendships is that I manage to fool myself into believing that they actually care about things and me the same way I care, but they never do. I think a large part of me cares very much when people drift away and when the feelings and thoughts emerge from time to time, from friendships eons ago, I analyze and blame myself most of the time. But there's a huge part of me that just doesn't care enough to maintain the friendship or it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy because I never let people that close to me in the first place. And when I see the other party not caring either, I just let them drift away.

    So, yeah, friendships and people always disappoint me. I think that's the way it is with everything, you either disappoint others yourself or end up being disappointed, that's life. But I tend to blame myself more than others. All of this probably sounds a lot bitter than I actually feel, I don't feel bitter at all, it's just how things are.

  4. #4
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    I once read that over the course of an average lifetime, we will personally interact with around 20000 people. We will however on average, form a life-lasting bond with around 2-8 people(not including family) over the same course of our existence and that most of those bonds will be formed over the age of 25.

    People change, their needs change, their values change and the roads we travel change.

    You sound pretty normal to me

  5. #5
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by No Exit View Post
    I once read that over the course of an average lifetime, we will personally interact with around 20000 people. We will however on average, form a life-lasting bond with around 2-8 people(not including family) over the same course of our existence and that most of those bonds will be formed over the age of 25.
    Really?

  6. #6
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    From my perspective: This is a result of perfectionism. It's a problem of those who expect way too much from other people and aren't comfortable with the idea that people are prone to making mistakes.

    Scenario 1: It's upsetting but it's just natural... Most people have engaged in this action with someone in their lives.

    Scenario 2 & 3: A result of expecting too much from friendship. The whole "I'm reliable but others..." just comes across not being true. It's more likely to be "I'm reliable to those I wish to be close with".

    One thought that comes to mind: Rather than focusing so much on what friends can offer you, sometimes it's easier to just focus on what you can give to others since there's much more control there.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    Really?
    It's what I read.. which is why I said "I once read" I have no idea if it's accurate .. But it explains that As adults we are more stable and on a more steady course and therefore it's easier to find people with the same values and such.. where as younger people also share a common course but that it changes more radically into adulthood..
    For example during school .. everyone is pretty much doing the same thing and living similar lifestyles.. but it's for a much shorter period of time..once adulthood is reached and people have chosen their roads.. it's much more difficult to maintain friendships due to different jobs , different incomes, and different lifestyles.. As for adults..Think about it.. if you work with someone for 30 years then you continue to have much more in common .. we are children and youths for 18-20 years of our lives and adults until we die(average another 50-60 years) So it makes sense.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by No Exit View Post
    It's what I read.. which is why I said "I once read" I have no idea if it's accurate .. But it explains that As adults we are more stable and on a more steady course and therefore it's easier to find people with the same values and such.. where as younger people also share a common course but that it changes more radically into adulthood..
    For example during school .. everyone is pretty much doing the same thing and living similar lifestyles.. but it's for a much shorter period of time..once adulthood is reached and people have chosen their roads.. it's much more difficult to maintain friendships due to different jobs , different incomes, and different lifestyles.. As for adults..Think about it.. if you work with someone for 30 years then you continue to have much more in common .. we are children and youths for 18-20 years of our lives and adults until we die(average another 50-60 years) So it makes sense.
    Lol, that is assuming you aren't a chaotic ENP moving all over the place till you are dead though. I was relieved there for a moment, because quite frankly, it's something I would like to believe in since I'm at a point where I feel I should be forming long lasting relationships with people that are going to be in my life for a long while...and I'm not.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    One thought that comes to mind: Rather than focusing so much on what friends can offer you, sometimes it's easier to just focus on what you can give to others since there's much more control there.
    Yes, there is more control in that. But I've also found that I end up giving, giving and giving without getting much in return. And that gets old really fast. I realize that it's again due to perfectionism.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Yes, there is more control in that. But I've also found that I end up giving, giving and giving without getting much in return. And that gets old really fast. I realize that it's again due to perfectionism.
    Mmm.

    Yeah. It's definitely a fine balance. You don't want to end up feeling like it's just a one-sided friendship as that just develops resentment. Might be a little unfair asking NFs who are meant to be 'idealistic' but I've found the best method is just to have little expectation and do things for others without expecting anything back.

    It reminds me of my cousin. "Oh... I'll lend 100 to friends without expecting it back. If I receive it back then it's all good. If not, then I won't hold it against them." Suppose he was a good judge of character though so people usually returned back the money. But my initial look:

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