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Thread: Is it too late?

  1. #11
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for the posts, I've read all of them and they're seriously a lot of help. Even if you guys don't have advice to give, it's amazing how comforting it is to know that I'm not alone. And just as a little update, I've given it more thought and I've decided that I'll continue with college instead of taking a break. I have a habit of dwelling on dark thoughts when I'm alone, especially when I don't have any schedule to follow, so it would probably be healthier for me to step outside my comfort zone and just go.

    It's crazy how stressed out I get when I try embracing that change I want, though. It feels as if I'll like... disintegrate. So then I crawl back into my shell and give up with that "it's too late" mantra circling around and around my head.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  2. #12
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Is it too late? No. It is never too late! And besides, you are so young!

    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I think this may be because of my unbending perfectionism. It's like I haven't done things the way I wanted to do them since I entered college, so now I feel as if I've ruined everything, already.
    When I find myself in a less-than-ideal situation of my own making, I just will sometimes fret about all the things I could have or should have done or how I wished I had acted. It can become really debilitating. Instead, I try to remind myself that what's done is done, that I cannot control the past, only how I respond to it. I almost imagine that I have been assigned the situation like randomly or something, that I have a blank page in front of me, that I can fill it however I like with the information that I have been given. It helps me to not freak out so much about dumb things I have done or mistakes I have made to imagine it assigned to me rather than of my own doing. Then it becomes like a challenge... almost fun, even.

    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I'm a sophomore in college and I haven't really made any new friends. I don't know what I'll do next year because I'll feel so dumb rooming with someone I don't know at all again. I almost want to take a year off to work and do some soul searching, but I don't know anymore. That might just make me even more lost than I already am.
    I think either taking a year off or staying could be good, in different ways. Taking a year off would put you in a new situation, which - at least for me - always jump starts me into new directions and insights. If you stay, there is ALWAYS the opportunity to make new friends and meet new people. I think it's important to start small and look for people who are in a similar position (i.e. also looking to make friends). It's easy to look around and feel like everyone knows each other, but there are in reality a lot of people out there who want to connect to somebody.

    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I want to change. I want to be that ideal self I see in my mind and that I feel most comfortable with, but I feel as if it's too late.
    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?
    Ideals versus reality - probably when there's a disconnect between the two you need to examine and possibly work on changing both. Can you adjust your short-term ideal? Can you set small goals to change your reality in small ways and then adjust the goal as you move toward each one? Maybe identifying an interest and joining a club? Then the next goal is then attending some of the activities and asking people about what they are interested in... then seeing if some of the people want to get together outside the club...

    Building confidence takes time and patience. Believe me, I know...



    So there's my two cents. This could be awful advice, but it's just what I've experienced in my own life, so take what is useful to you and ignore the rest.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I'm going to try and be as succinct as possible--I'm taking medication for depression, the medication worked and I'm not as depressed, but this has left me with the realization that my self-esteem has left the premises along with any sort of identity.

    I want to change. I want to be that ideal self I see in my mind and that I feel most comfortable with, but I feel as if it's too late.

    I'm a sophomore in college and I haven't really made any new friends. I don't know what I'll do next year because I'll feel so dumb rooming with someone I don't know at all again. I almost want to take a year off to work and do some soul searching, but I don't know anymore. That might just make me even more lost than I already am.

    I think this may be because of my unbending perfectionism. It's like I haven't done things the way I wanted to do them since I entered college, so now I feel as if I've ruined everything, already.

    I have no idea if this makes sense, lol.

    But have any NF's had the same experience, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's too late? How do you motivate yourself? How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?
    When you pass through the fire
    you pass through humble
    You pass through a maze of self doubt
    When you pass through humble
    the lights can blind you
    Some people never figure that out
    You pass through arrogance you pass through hurt
    You pass through an ever present past
    and it's best not to wait for luck to save you
    Pass through the fire to the light
    As you pass through the fire
    your right hand waving
    there are things you have to throw out
    That caustic dread inside your head
    will never help you out
    You have to be very strong
    'cause you'll start from zero
    over and over again
    And as the smoke clears
    there's an all consuming fire
    lying straight ahead
    They say no one person can do it all
    but you want to in your head
    But you can't be Shakespeare
    and you can't be Joyce
    so what is left instead
    you're stuck with yourself
    and a rage that can hurt you
    You have to start at the beginning again
    And just this moment
    This wonderful fire started up again
    When you pass through humble
    when you pass through sickly
    When you pass through
    I'm better than you all
    When you pass through
    anger and self deprecation
    and have the strength to acknowledge it all
    When the past makes you laugh
    and you can savor the magic
    that let you survive your own war
    you find that fire is passion
    and there's a door up ahead not a wall
    As you pass through fire as you pass through fire
    try to remember it's name
    When you pass through fire licking at your lips
    you cannot remain the same
    And if the building's burning
    move towards that door
    but don't put the flames out
    There's a bit of magic in everything
    and then some loss to even things out...

    Lou Reed, INFP, "Magic And Loss - The Summation"

  4. #14
    One day and the next Rainne's Avatar
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    Better late than never.

  5. #15
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    rainoneventide, just the fact that you want to be a better you & you aren't in denial is a good sign & proof its not too late. You may think you're far from your mark but remember the judgmental perfectionist nature that's making that so overwhelming right now will adjust when you're in a better place. I'm betting you aren't seeing the truth about yourself.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  6. #16
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
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    A lot of good advice already ahead of me so I'm just gonna keep it short

    You're in your early 20s and think it's too late? Bah, youngling I think there are several threads in here about the Fi-Si loop that haunts INFP. We always feel like we could have done something better or different. The truth is you can't change the past so forget about it. I know, it's easier said than done. I love wallowing in my past failures (and successes). As many have said, take small steps. Look at your ideal goal as the final destination with lots of milestones along the way.

    Find a hobby/sport/activity that interests you and can keep your mind occupied whenever you feel depression creeping in. It can be something you do on your own or in a group, whatever makes you comfortable. Sometimes it takes someone other than yourself to see the good qualities you have, so get your friends to list down what they find that's good about you. You'll be surprised at how ignorant of our own strengths we can be sometimes when we are busy bemoaning our weaknesses

    Just remember that you can't change yesterday, and you should never walk forward in life with your head looking backwards. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and what better time to make that change? Good luck, and don't worry, you're not the only one who has had to face this and you won't be the last.

    Ok, so maybe that was not so short after all....
    4w5, Fi>Ne>Ti>Si>Ni>Fe>Te>Se, sp > so > sx

    appreciates being appreciated, conflicted over conflicts, afraid of being afraid, bad at being bad, predictably unpredictable, consistently inconsistent, remarkably unremarkable...

    I may not agree with what you are feeling, but I will defend to death your right to have a good cry over it

    The whole problem with the world is that fools & fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. ~ Bertrand Russell

  7. #17
    Senior Member Alchemiss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    ... And just as a little update, I've given it more thought and I've decided that I'll continue with college instead of taking a break. ...

    It's crazy how stressed out I get when I try embracing that change I want, though. It feels as if I'll like... disintegrate. So then I crawl back into my shell and give up with that "it's too late" mantra circling around and around my head.
    Congratulations on deciding to move forward!

    Crazy is just another judgment. The stress is likely inner conflict between who your true self is and who you think you "should" be based on others' opinions. Becoming the true Quiet may indeed require some disintegration of the false self to recover her. She's in there and she knows it's never too late. This is a call to consciousness; not comfortable but infinitely rewarding!

  8. #18
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    since everyone has responded.. what do you want to do now?
    step 1. stay in college (which you've posted)
    step 2. what now?

  9. #19
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    what i'd do in your situation would be that i'd ask myself what i wanted... then move to that direction. do you really want to take a year off, do you have plans? is something unresolved you think you could resolve taking a year off?... or is it just a way out of something you could actually find another way out off/in?

    i've also found it's hard sometimes balancing with your expectations and ideals and the reality/ probabilities. i think taking it step by step and giving yourself some kind of timelines and smaller objectives helps. it always helps to remember that at some point you are going to end up hitting your head on a wall. it's all about believing that it isn't the end of the world... risks have to be taken in order to create change...

    good luck!!

  10. #20
    AKA Nunki Polaris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide
    But have any NF's had the same experience, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's too late?
    Oh God have I ever, and after a long and intricate journey, I've found that the answer is simple. You think positively, and that's it. As glib and cliched as it may seem, it really is the answer to every problem in life, as anyone who practices it can tell you. You may think other people are foolish for believing in themselves and you may look back and think you were foolish yourself, but if you believe in yourself right here and right now and live with all your will and faith, you quite literally become a god. It's something you can't question, because the moment you do, you weaken yourself.

    That doesn't mean you should fake it, though; faking it is exactly what you want to avoid; you want to stop yourself from embracing your bad faith, your inability to pour yourself wholly into what you're doing. Rather than tell yourself it's all right when it isn't, you have to find an escape route that you can believe in. It begins not by denying your problems but by envisioning the brighter possibilities. Probably at first you'll only be able to see the darker ones, but the possible is never the actual; it's always in question, always subject to doubt, and here doubt can become your friend. Rather than question yourself, you can question your self-questioning and answer it with a brighter future.

    This is self-belief, a belief beyond question exactly to the extent that you trust it. If you believe what I'm saying, that confirms its truth, and if you doubt it, the effect of your doubt only serves to illustrate my point.

    So just believe in yourself.
    [ Ni > Ti > Fe > Fi > Ne > Te > Si > Se ][ 4w5 sp/sx ][ RLOAI ][ IEI-Ni ]

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