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[INFJ] Seeking Feedback for Stress Relief.

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
Hello everyone,

My name's Quiet, and I am a fairly new member to Typology Central. I have a bit of a story of which I won't delve into in complete detail, but I'll share just enough for you to get the point. Basically, I am interested in gathering your thoughts, opinions etc. (whatever you want to add), so that I can continue to collect facts and information to help me along in my journey...

I will start with a question about INFJ's:

If one takes into account the nature verses nurture approach, would an INFJ need to be from a loving and supportive family background? I am not necessarily sold on this idea, but it has some reasonable evidence...

In truth, I am struggling here with a bit of an identity crisis. I am considering undergoing hypnotherapy to help me deal with some of my troubles because I struggle a lot with motivation and confidence. I did not have the smoothest childhood upon reflection, but despite this, I always cared a lot about people and have always guaged my identity through how others see me and need me to be. Whenever I am in contact with another, my main focus is on the other person, and who I need to present myself as being, in order to maintain a pleasant and harmonious interaction. I enjoy connection and can always tell somehow what is going on in another. I feel at peace somehow while doing this, because it keeps my own inner self private, while still maintaining some form of growth and learning in the process. And, although I pass some strong judgments during, I keep them to myself mainly because I am aware that they are generally, none of my business unless I am sensing someone might need help. I always want to be supportive, and I often feel guilty for thinking badly of others. As it stands, I am by far own harshest critic, and still base my own self worth and identity on how others view me...

Yet on the flip side, I think that deep within me, a rebel screams to tell the world a whole lot of hurt and angry words. I don't really bother paying too much attention to this side though, because it's all been done before. It makes me uncomfortable reflecting on negativity, and for the most part, my mood is fairly nuetral unless there is some external influence that I come into contact with. Sometimes being with others where my energy feels so focussed, I end up feeling tapped and dispondant, and need my reflective alone time to regain balance. I suppose this is me during my natural state, but lately there has been some outside influences in my life, that have been proving to be quiet stressful...

I believe I tend to slip into a shadow state, and suspect I am there right now to some degree. I tend to shut of F and go into an "automatic pilot" mode, and turn up my Ti and Te to get me through the day. Logic and buckling down with taking care of business seems to be the dominant drive, yet drive and motivation are what I seem to be lacking so much. I feel so tired, and somehow numb. I understand situational depression lifts after the external stress has gone, but while I'm experiencing this, my anxiety winds up tight inside of me, yet I implode it so I don't show anything externally. I feel such a strong need to maintain control at all times, and am becoming detail focussed and nit picky. It is adding another "fail" to my already low confidence, and I'm really struggling to keep this up. I am considering my lack of ability to deal with stress and conflict to be attributed to a lack of support and affirmation when I was young, but I need to develope some skills to overcome it, and I need to learn them in a way that makes sense to me, and that I can understand how to pick up and put into action. I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy before, but just found I felt like I was living a lie, and I think I might need something different.

I didn't expect this OP to be so long, so I don't mind if most of you gave up reading this and found it difficult to follow. I am in need though, of any members who might understand this place I am in, and feel comfortable enough to make suggestions or offer any feedback that comes to mind. Thanks in advance,

Quiet.
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
I understand situational depression lifts after the external stress has gone, but while I'm experiencing this, my anxiety winds up tight inside of me, yet I implode it so I don't show anything externally. I feel such a strong need to maintain control at all times, and am becoming detail focussed and nit picky. It is adding another "fail" to my already low confidence, and I'm really struggling to keep this up.

that was a good point about situational depression. are you having a hard time in your life right now?

do you have someone you can trust your innermost feelings to? i got the impression from your post that you are a good listener, but do you yourself have someone you can talk to? do you wish to talk about your thoughts/ problems with someone?

don't be too hard on yourself, even though i know it's easier said than done... but why do you think you have low confidence? is it because it's hard for you to forgive yourself?

i hope i can help in some way.
 

BRMC117

is an ambi-turner
Joined
Jan 21, 2010
Messages
781
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
3w2
I have the same problem as you, well did. What really helped me was finding what I wanted to do with my life. it wasnt easy and took 22 years but it was worth the wait. Also find someone that you can talk to and tell ANYTHING not just what you want them to know but EVERYTHING. Be it your best friend or a parent, just somebody.
Im not saying that you are but, I felt the same way you did untill I came out. If you have something sitting on your chest its hard to move about everyone as normal. Hope I helped, If you ever want to talk you can send me a PM!
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
It sounds like you are a very typical INFJ. As you continue maturing, I think you'll find it easier to find suitable ways of expressing the negative sides of yourself or your frustrations without it being dammed up or imploding. I find that the best help for me is having someone that I can trust to vent to a little bit. I don't need a ton of people that I can be real with, but certainly there need to be some who I feel can take me at my worst, blow away the chaff and keep the good stuff. I've also found that exercise is a good way of releasing the physical tension that comes with held in stress (my shoulders and jaw usually are a mess when I am very stressed). Everything you are talking about sounds like a regular part of the process of figuring yourself out as an INFJ and learning to tweak what isn't working. Sometimes I have held too much in and then sometimes the dam bursts, which shocks or hurts some of the innocent bystanders who didn't suspect there was anything going on. Release it little by little and make your needs known sometimes and you will find yourself on a much more even keel.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
yvonne

that was a good point about situational depression. are you having a hard time in your life right now?

do you have someone you can trust your innermost feelings to? i got the impression from your post that you are a good listener, but do you yourself have someone you can talk to? do you wish to talk about your thoughts/ problems with someone?

don't be too hard on yourself, even though i know it's easier said than done... but why do you think you have low confidence? is it because it's hard for you to forgive yourself?

i hope i can help in some way.


Thanks Yvonne, for your kind words, and yes I am having a hard time right now with a few aspects in my life. I tend to feel shame though when I find I am not measuring up to my own high standards for coping and doing everything right. Although I understand how normal this is for everyone (and I would be very understanding and non judgmental towards another who was going through the same thing), I simply cannot put that sense of kindnes towards myself. This really bothers me, and holds me back. I need to find out where this all stems from.

BRMC117

I have the same problem as you, well did. What really helped me was finding what I wanted to do with my life. it wasnt easy and took 22 years but it was worth the wait. Also find someone that you can talk to and tell ANYTHING not just what you want them to know but EVERYTHING. Be it your best friend or a parent, just somebody.
Im not saying that you are but, I felt the same way you did untill I came out. If you have something sitting on your chest its hard to move about everyone as normal. Hope I helped, If you ever want to talk you can send me a PM!


Indeed this is part of my problem. I am currently working for healthcare and going to school to get my degree in psychology. I knew it would be hard when I first decided to take this rout, but my desire for a secure and fulfilling future was a strong drive to take the leap. I am finding that with studying psych, I am dealing with I am now needing to try and fine tune a direction for specified study. I am feeling anxious about making a decision, because I am afraid of maybe making a mistake. Thanks for your invitation to PM you, I just might take you up on that. :)


fidelia

It sounds like you are a very typical INFJ. As you continue maturing, I think you'll find it easier to find suitable ways of expressing the negative sides of yourself or your frustrations without it being dammed up or imploding. I find that the best help for me is having someone that I can trust to vent to a little bit. I don't need a ton of people that I can be real with, but certainly there need to be some who I feel can take me at my worst, blow away the chaff and keep the good stuff. I've also found that exercise is a good way of releasing the physical tension that comes with held in stress (my shoulders and jaw usually are a mess when I am very stressed). Everything you are talking about sounds like a regular part of the process of figuring yourself out as an INFJ and learning to tweak what isn't working. Sometimes I have held too much in and then sometimes the dam bursts, which shocks or hurts some of the innocent bystanders who didn't suspect there was anything going on. Release it little by little and make your needs known sometimes and you will find yourself on a much more even keel.


Yes, the physical tension is very true for me as well. My shoulders are often tight and strained and I do have a hard time physically relaxing. Taking time to just relax always brings with it a sense of wasting time, and I find I am uncomfortable with just lounging about. I know I can enjoy a balance of duty and relaxation when I feel I can manage my life.

I do have two friends I can talk to about things, but often times it's just so difficult to word things to them in such a way that makes sense out loud. It is really so much easier to write it down, but the guilt I feel for burdening others is still there. I fear sharing my pains, concerns and insecurities with others because I see it as a sign of weakness in myself, and am sure others see me as weak also, for not being able to perform and handle life. I believe it takes a lot of trust in myself first, to be able to chose the right words at the right time, when I am not used to opening up. I fear being misunderstood and am thinking it might just be best to talk to a professional, rather than burdening a friend. I know I sound neurotic, lol but even posting this much feels like a risk. I appreciate all your responses, they have all helped me very much so far. :)
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
i am also neurotic and a perfectionist in some ways. although i realize that dwelling on that isn't helping, i can't help but fall into that rut at times.

hey, life's a b**** at times, haha. i have issues with embarrassment, also. what helps me is that i can call one friend (or vent online, haha)... and then i take it step by step. i ask myself what is bothering me and i take action. i also remind myself that my life is first and foremost about my survival. i can't be of any use to anyone, if i can't take care of myself.

:hug:

hope you'll feel better.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
i am also neurotic and a perfectionist in some ways. although i realize that dwelling on that isn't helping, i can't help but fall into that rut at times.

hey, life's a b**** at times, haha. i have issues with embarrassment, also. what helps me is that i can call one friend (or vent online, haha)... and then i take it step by step. i ask myself what is bothering me and i take action. i also remind myself that my life is first and foremost about my survival. i can't be of any use to anyone, if i can't take care of myself.

:hug:

hope you'll feel better.


:hug:

Thanks again Yvonne. Yes, writing this all out online has proven to be helpful so far. It's affirming at the very least, to know that I can be heard and understood, despite my OP being rather vague and cryptic.
 

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
3,946
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Hey, Quiet :) Do you think being of service to others would be able to get you out of your own head and personal frustrations? Even if your employment situation can't be changed, there are ways to volunteer. Do you have any thoughts on this? I mention this, not because I'm feeling holy, but because I personally find that one of the best ways to get out of my own personal pity party is to lend some of that special INFJ counsel/compassion to someone who could really value it. Maybe you feel you are too stressed to take this on. And of course, INFJs can get compassion-fatigue, but I find that happens more in my personal relationships. But there are people you can positively impact just the way you are, and doing that can be a big confidence boost and make some of that built up doubt and disgust drain away.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
Hey, Quiet :) Do you think being of service to others would be able to get you out of your own head and personal frustrations? Even if your employment situation can't be changed, there are ways to volunteer. Do you have any thoughts on this? I mention this, not because I'm feeling holy, but because I personally find that one of the best ways to get out of my own personal pity party is to lend some of that special INFJ counsel/compassion to someone who could really value it. Maybe you feel you are too stressed to take this on. And of course, INFJs can get compassion-fatigue, but I find that happens more in my personal relationships. But there are people you can positively impact just the way you are, and doing that can be a big confidence boost and make some of that built up doubt and disgust drain away.

Hello Vasilisa,

I do actually experience some escape from my own reality when I'm at work. I deal with individuals who are paliative and those struggling with dementia. It is a high burnout profession, but usually very rewarding, relaxing and peaceful for me somehow. Work does help, thanks for the suggestions and I'd be interested in volunteer work at a later time when my schedule opens up a bit.
 

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
3,946
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Hello Vasilisa,

I do actually experience some escape from my own reality when I'm at work. I deal with individuals who are paliative and those struggling with dementia. It is a high burnout profession, but usually very rewarding, relaxing and peaceful for me somehow. Work does help, thanks for the suggestions and I'd be interested in volunteer work at a later time when my schedule opens up a bit.

Wow, Quiet. I'm impressed.

For the day-to-day stress have you ever tried that rescue remedy stuff? How about meditation?
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
Wow, Quiet. I'm impressed.

For the day-to-day stress have you ever tried that rescue remedy stuff? How about meditation?


The rescue remedy stuff in the form of a spa treatment, a pedicure or fine bottle of wine? :)

Well, I have been thinking about getting a pedicure soon, as it seems to be an early start to summer. I also like the idea of meditation. I admit I should do more nice things for myself, more often. Good idea, as it's not something that I automatically think of on my own.
 

BRMC117

is an ambi-turner
Joined
Jan 21, 2010
Messages
781
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
3w2
I meditate about two times a day, once befor I go to bed, and then befor I go to work. it really helps me collect all the ideas that bounce around in my head and organize them, you should try it
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I meditate about two times a day, once befor I go to bed, and then befor I go to work. it really helps me collect all the ideas that bounce around in my head and organize them, you should try it

I know of a couple of people who meditate and they swear by it. I agree it's a very healthy way to mentally organize. Would you be interested in sharing with me in more detail, the process by which you meditate? How do you go about it, so that you stck with it and not lose track of your concentration? I have tried meditaion before, but I found I never stuck with it due to being so easily distracted by the stress of things that I had to do. Perhaps it might be best to PM me with any details you're comfortable with sharing if you're ok with that. :)
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
i think it's also good to remind yourself that everything in your life doesn't have to be perfect. it's impossible. it's only when your stress level rises to the point that you really feel like there's something wrong that you must take action to balance it out. it helps when you identify one problem area and do some small thing to make it better. :)

it sort of declutters you and recharges you... and gives you the good feeling of accomplishment and then you have more energy again.

that's how i function, anyway :)
 

QPoet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
I have went though a few times in my life of "identity crisis" and may have just been passing though one. The everyday stresses of life can magnify these greatly. It seems hard to find our inner being sometimes when there is so much chaos going on all around. As INFJ's we are almost always our own harshest critics. I have seen from my very own father that childhood trauma's can indeed stay with a person through their entire life if not dealt with. Some things simply can't be buried. And no amount of reassuring from others or success in life can make things better until that trauma is dealt with. So it was with my 65 year old father. His feelings of abandonment by his parents never truly left him.

Don't wait that long my friend. I sense more and more that the events of your childhood need to be addressed and dealt with. You may never have a totally happy resolution there, but you can get to a point where you can accept it all and live with it. Where you do the controlling of these events and the emotions they cause, instead to the other way around. As givers we have to be sure to take care of ourselves too. And you deserve that--have no doubt of it.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I have went though a few times in my life of "identity crisis" and may have just been passing though one. The everyday stresses of life can magnify these greatly. It seems hard to find our inner being sometimes when there is so much chaos going on all around. As INFJ's we are almost always our own harshest critics. I have seen from my very own father that childhood trauma's can indeed stay with a person through their entire life if not dealt with. Some things simply can't be buried. And no amount of reassuring from others or success in life can make things better until that trauma is dealt with. So it was with my 65 year old father. His feelings of abandonment by his parents never truly left him.

Don't wait that long my friend. I sense more and more that the events of your childhood need to be addressed and dealt with. You may never have a totally happy resolution there, but you can get to a point where you can accept it all and live with it. Where you do the controlling of these events and the emotions they cause, instead to the other way around. As givers we have to be sure to take care of ourselves too. And you deserve that--have no doubt of it.

Thanks QP. The concern I have is no matter how many times I have talked to a counselor, I always seem to feel that same sense of being crippled in some way. The usual therapy doesn't seem to work for me, and I'm starting to question if I am just incapible of changing. :cry:

Once I've made my mind up about things, it's really hard for me to change it, and although I can see other people's points of view, it doesn't mean that I am willing to adopt them as my own. So, it would seem a different approach is now necessary, thus why I am considering hypnotherapy instead. :blush:

Anyways, thanks everyone for your help!
 

Alchemiss

Member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5w6
.... Whenever I am in contact with another, my main focus is on the other person, and who I need to present myself as being, in order to maintain a pleasant and harmonious interaction. .... As it stands, I am by far own harshest critic, and still base my own self worth and identity on how others view me...

Dear Quiet,
I hope you feel better soon. There's a book I've just read (and can't stop re-reading) which I highly recommend for what you describe. It's called What You Think of Me is None of My Business by Terry Cole-Whittaker published way back in 1979. An bodywork course instructor of mine recommended it last month and I've been amazed by the shifts I've experienced from it.

A big part of the premise is that other people aren't our "source". Once we stop looking outside ourselves for validation of what is already whole and complete within ourselves (God or whatever creative force you believe in gave us all the right, well, everything,) we can move forward with much more freedom and joy. Lots of good info on real versus false guilt and accepting the reality of our choices and deciding whether we want to make different ones.

Best wishes to you,
Alchemiss
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Stress Relief for Me, Top 3 Fixes:
(1) Work Out
(2) Sex
(3) Hang Out With Friends

Good luck! :D
 

Alchemiss

Member
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
106
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5w6
In retrospect, I found my answer unsatisfying. Here's an excerpt from the book What You Think of Me is None of My Business I mentioned:

False guilt is that guilt which is laid upon you by others in their efforts to control you and make you responsible for their lives. A simple example of this kind of guilt is the mother who says to her son: "Go out and have a good time. Don't worry about me being here all alone. I'm used to it." Naturally, the child feels guilty and says to himself: "I really shouldn't go out and have a good time while she's all alone." The guilt the child feels is false guilt. It's false in the sense that the child isn't doing anything he should feel guilty about. Doing what he wants in no way takes away from another or denies the mother the opportunity to have what she wants.

Webster defines this side of guilt as "A feeling of self-reproach from believing that one has done a wrong."

Real guilt occurs when you suppress another person mentally, physically, spiritually; when you deny another person his liveliness, his natural ability, his happiness and self-expression, when you deny other persons the support they need to believe in themselves.

Webster defines this side of guilt as: "The fact of having done a wrong or committed an offense." In the simple example of the parent and child, the parent was acting out of real guilt while the child was acting out of false guilt and fear. Each, of course, suffered.

I think it is clear that each of us suffers from a combination of real and false guilt. We suffer real guilt when we are the suppressors and false guilt when we are suppressed.
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
^ that was a good read. sometimes it's difficult to make a distinction between the two. relationships are difficult when the other person gets happy about different things than you do. good communication is very important to me, but so is independence.
 
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