Hmm emo breakdown. Gotta love those. But just for the jungian enthusiasts in the crowd, this ^^^ is Te judging the results of an Fi judgment and finding horribly fucked up. It is Te measuring and understanding in advance the results of what happens when I share emotion openly and realizing how bad an idea that is and why it should not be allowed.
By all of the things I "value"-accountability, responsibility, integrity, honesty, self control, stewardship, I grade myself a FAIL. It leaves me torn between hiding and wanting to dissolve into nothing, being overcome with feelings of utter disgust, or running into the street and beating my hands on the pavement until they bleed. I am more repulsed by myself that any external person ever could be and repulsed by my own need to share my pain.
I think today I have decided a new course of action. I think I will be alone and stay alone. At first this seems painful, but there is an austerity and strength in that isolation and in making it a concrete choice it becomes a Te rule to abide by. However I want to find ways to help other people indirectly and in mass via via work or helping in my community in some way.
hugs babe i get that feeling. i think i may choose to stay alone too...too idealistic for relationships, i think. just f@*k it, ya know?
There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
I prefer to undress in stages. I'm very self-disclosing because I want people to know me. At the same time, there's a part of myself that I keep in reservation; that only comes out with a few select people.
There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.
"You don't have to be strong all the time." - esfj friend
me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Yeah I do.
Also, if I know a certain trait is unacceptable to you and I want to impress you and not lose my pride, I will actively hide a trait. With an INTJ and ISTP, I hid my emotional vulnerability. The only time I cried like crazy in front of people, I was extremely drunk, extremely and we were all sharing deep stories and I trusted the two people I was with. Otherwise I will always be .
"I guess I just feel so flawed internally. Today I just feel ashamed of what I am and what I do when I try and share that internal side of myself. It is way too intense and overwhelming. So I want to hide it away forever, but get torn by a desire to share it as well as I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be alone but I can't be true either without seeming a monster. So to let someone in real life see what I feel-in all its honesty is terrifying.
I let me entp best friend read some posts a made a few weeks back and she said she was proud that I said what I felt even if sounded crazy. But I couldn't even talk to her about it. I had no words.
I don't say these things to get attention or make people feel sorry for me-I detest both as they make me feel weak-i would disapear into nothing given the chance rather than seek attention of others."
*hugs* I understand this well. The depth of my despair sometimes is unreasonable, but it is there, like a monster. This realization that the world is imperfect and its people imperfect and we want so much for perfection.
If the INFJs feel it too, then it is not Fi-related? I am actually surprised to read that some ENFPs feel this way as well, as I thought it was a rather introverted thing, this hiding away of emotions. I thought since ENFPs can get along with the external environment and enjoy it so well, they don't get lost in such an extreme.
I only want people to see the parts of me that I hold tight to me if I feel like they can handle it. I am not sure what "handle it" means, but I just feel like certain people can handle it and a lot of people just wouldn't know what to do with it, so why would I want to expose them to that needlessly (it is uncomfortable to everyone and no good really comes of it)? I can't really be any more concrete than this, because I all I have is the sense I get from another person and all the different feelings inside of me. I guess TRUST is what it comes down to.
Anyway. With the people who can handle it, it is immensely rewarding and I do feel that instant kinship.
If I accidentally share too much, I feel like the other person has some power over me, which is bad bad bad, so I am very cautious. Something I recently realized that I do: if I am uncertain about a person, I toss a little scrap out there and see what they do with it. If they can cherish (or better, make something out of it), then I can share more. If they dismiss or don't even notice the information, then I can tell the person is not safe for that kind of thing.