Really struggling today.
I am feeling such strong self-loathing...I feel pathetic actually. I sort of want to cry but I feel too embarrassed really.
The problem is that my boyfriend is an INTP who lives two hours away. We have lovely weekends together, and have been going out for about a year. He has told me he loves me etc, but during the week he doesn't really need much contact. I try so hard to just keep busy and not take it personally, but it HURTS sometimes! I get to most of the way through the week feeling great, but then there is this black hole of next-to-no contact from Tues to Fri until it is all happening again and he is all over me.
I hate, absolutely hate the position that puts me in - I feel wretched today, because I made it until 4:30pm before finally when we talked for the first time in three days and by then I was really angry. I try SO HARD!!! I drink herbal tea and burn incense and try not to lose faith in myself and that he cares, but I always seem to hit the painful conflict/insecurity wall before he does. That makes for an unbalanced relationship and I really don't know what else to do.
He doesn't mind everything being up in the air, he never seems to doubt what I feel for him, or that everything is OK.
The worst of it is that I did not get a lot of love as a child and was a typical middle child-expected to be really responsible for my younger sibling, but my boyfriend was an only child who was doted on not only by his parents but his live in Italian grandparents!!
I have noticed lately that I have started to drink more. I find most nights that the stress of work and especially of some of these later 'shut out and abandoned' days of the week I basically want to just 'get through' rather than enjoy.
I hate it!! I really hate it.
And the worst of it is that we actually get on really well when we are together-he is very affectionate (even more than me) and he said that he would like to look at moving in with each other in a year or so. He has also been very supportive on occasions when I have really needed it.
But I am really struggling with the envy of what he appears to have: perfect and impeccable confidence, practically zero anxiety or distress if he doesn't hear from me for days (yes, I have occasionally held out but then he just assumes I am angry which is true, so that doesn't really sex it up but numb everything). His ability to seem to 'not give a shit'.
Fundamentally - I want to lose my own 'give a shit'. I want to be like some else, someone who just chills out and doesn't worry about anything and doesn't look forward to weekends and start thinking on Thursday about shopping for the favorite treats of the person I am going to see on Sat. I want to not take my plate out or offer to wash up when I am a guest. I want to be one of those girls who never reaches for their wallet when the bill comes, or who doesn't feel so hurt when I don't know what is going on in my relationships.
And this brings me back to my current self-loathing. I don't think I have ever felt this bad before. In so many ways 'on paper' my life is great. But this pain is dreadful. Why can't I just be more TTTTT??!!!!
Halp!! Advice? Good news? Anyone?????