User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 73

  1. #1
    Member Sunshine8's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Posts
    42

    Default Trying to need less contact, but struggling. ENFJ with an INTP

    Hey there,
    Really struggling today.

    I am feeling such strong self-loathing...I feel pathetic actually. I sort of want to cry but I feel too embarrassed really.

    The problem is that my boyfriend is an INTP who lives two hours away. We have lovely weekends together, and have been going out for about a year. He has told me he loves me etc, but during the week he doesn't really need much contact. I try so hard to just keep busy and not take it personally, but it HURTS sometimes! I get to most of the way through the week feeling great, but then there is this black hole of next-to-no contact from Tues to Fri until it is all happening again and he is all over me.

    I hate, absolutely hate the position that puts me in - I feel wretched today, because I made it until 4:30pm before finally when we talked for the first time in three days and by then I was really angry. I try SO HARD!!! I drink herbal tea and burn incense and try not to lose faith in myself and that he cares, but I always seem to hit the painful conflict/insecurity wall before he does. That makes for an unbalanced relationship and I really don't know what else to do.

    He doesn't mind everything being up in the air, he never seems to doubt what I feel for him, or that everything is OK.

    The worst of it is that I did not get a lot of love as a child and was a typical middle child-expected to be really responsible for my younger sibling, but my boyfriend was an only child who was doted on not only by his parents but his live in Italian grandparents!!

    I have noticed lately that I have started to drink more. I find most nights that the stress of work and especially of some of these later 'shut out and abandoned' days of the week I basically want to just 'get through' rather than enjoy.

    I hate it!! I really hate it.

    And the worst of it is that we actually get on really well when we are together-he is very affectionate (even more than me) and he said that he would like to look at moving in with each other in a year or so. He has also been very supportive on occasions when I have really needed it.

    But I am really struggling with the envy of what he appears to have: perfect and impeccable confidence, practically zero anxiety or distress if he doesn't hear from me for days (yes, I have occasionally held out but then he just assumes I am angry which is true, so that doesn't really sex it up but numb everything). His ability to seem to 'not give a shit'.

    Fundamentally - I want to lose my own 'give a shit'. I want to be like some else, someone who just chills out and doesn't worry about anything and doesn't look forward to weekends and start thinking on Thursday about shopping for the favorite treats of the person I am going to see on Sat. I want to not take my plate out or offer to wash up when I am a guest. I want to be one of those girls who never reaches for their wallet when the bill comes, or who doesn't feel so hurt when I don't know what is going on in my relationships.

    And this brings me back to my current self-loathing. I don't think I have ever felt this bad before. In so many ways 'on paper' my life is great. But this pain is dreadful. Why can't I just be more TTTTT??!!!!

    Halp!! Advice? Good news? Anyone?????
    Sunshine8

    'A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.'
    - Caskie Stinnett

  2. #2
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INfP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    564

    Default

    aww. you seem like a really nice person. why don't you just tell your boyfriend that you'd feel so much better, if he called more during the week just to talk? he probably doesn't even realize you feel this way?

  3. #3
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    2,008

    Default

    I'll have to agree with yvonne. And I understand how you feel.

    I'm sure he gives a shit about the relationship and about you. You said he wanted to move in togheter eventually, so it seems he thinks of you two as something serious and real.

    I think that the INTP introversion and obliviousness is getting to you, and if you feel this bad about it, you should tell him. He won't mind. And if you really want to talk to him during the weeks, just call him, send him a text or an email to tell him you miss him and you'd like to talk.

    IME, you need to be really explicit with these guys. But also, they need their down-time, especially after such intense interaction, so try to not to think of it as anything personal against you. It's more about them recharging their batteries.

    You both need to try and meet in the middle, I think. As long as you understand each others needs, you can easily accommodate them.

  4. #4
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    8,193

    Default

    Talk to him and tell him his distance makes you feel unwanted and undesired. Call and chat every two days or so, or even just texting each other [I'm a huge fan of the text]. Find something you can both agree on, but stress the importance of how much it hurts you. He's going to think you're nuts, but if he does care he'll make an effort.

    Your problem is nearly the exact situation I went through when I first went to college, although I was the distant INTP. We're very bad at this.



  5. #5
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    2,008

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Talk to him and tell him his distance makes you feel unwanted and undesired. Call and chat every two days or so, or even just texting each other [I'm a huge fan of the text]. Find something you can both agree on, but stress the importance of how much it hurts you. He's going to think you're nuts, but if he does care he'll make an effort.

    Your problem is nearly the exact situation I went through when I first went to college, although I was the distant INTP. We're very bad at this.
    Yes and yes.

    Sunshine8, you're not alone on this. I went throught the same thing with my INTP when I went to college (4h distans). Talk to him, from your POV and try to find a middle way together.

    They are the worst! But we keep coming back, cause they are the best! NERD!

  6. #6
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    INTP guys can be pretty oblivious. You have to ask for what you want because they aren't going to figure it out. It sounds like you'd be okay if he'd just call you once or twice during the week to provide a little reassurance and that isn't much to ask for. Ask for it.

    Not long after we got married I started feeling pretty neglected by my INTP and it was annoying because he just didn't seem to care, etc. It finally occurred to me that I'd had a life before we met and I decided to start reading again like I used to. It helped a lot.

    If there are activities, friendships, etc that you have been putting on hold for your relationship, pick them back up again. Few men can really meet more than a fraction of an average woman's social needs. Introverted men even less so. An extroverted woman with an introverted man needs a strong social support network.

    The flip side to the low need for contact is that INTPs are generally low-maintenance, so your time is your own to play with and to enjoy. It's not so fun in the early stages, but you only have to see a woman whose husband won't give her a moment's peace to appreciate a nice, easy going INTP.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #7
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    2,008

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    INTP guys can be pretty oblivious. You have to ask for what you want because they aren't going to figure it out. It sounds like you'd be okay if he'd just call you once or twice during the week to provide a little reassurance and that isn't much to ask for. Ask for it.

    Not long after we got married I started feeling pretty neglected by my INTP and it was annoying because he just didn't seem to care, etc. It finally occurred to me that I'd had a life before we met and I decided to start reading again like I used to. It helped a lot.

    If there are activities, friendships, etc that you have been putting on hold for your relationship, pick them back up again. Few men can really meet more than a fraction of an average woman's social needs. Introverted men even less so. An extroverted woman with an introverted man needs a strong social support network.

    The flip side to the low need for contact is that INTPs are generally low-maintenance, so your time is your own to play with and to enjoy. It's not so fun in the early stages, but you only have to see a woman whose husband won't give her a moment's peace to appreciate a nice, easy going INTP.
    Someone should start a support group for INTP spouses.

    I agree with the last part, too. I sometimes think I can manage my relationship in my sleep.

  8. #8
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    8,193

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    Someone should start a support group for INTP spouses.
    I'm surprised nobody has thought of this before!



  9. #9
    mrs disregard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    7,855

    Default

    I would talk to him about how you feel.

    Tell him how you envy him, tell him how you cannot relate to his lack of neediness (for want of a better word), tell him all of that.

    Try and have an Intimacy Aha! Moment.

    If that doesn't work, if that doesn't give you insight into and confidence in your relationship, then I would build up the courage to leave him.

    You can find a partner that lives near you that has a similar need for time and affection to your own.

  10. #10
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    LOL. At this point (18 years of marriage in May) the kids are fairly self-sufficient and decent conversationalists, I have my mom (who is pleasant enough when she isn't off the deep end) living with us, and a handful of friends I talk to regularly on the phone, books to read, and monsters to kill on World of Warcraft.

    He spends most of his day alone in a truck. Now it's him occasionally complaining of neglect. I make sure to baby him to make up for it, though.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFJ] Trying to get an ENFJ to listen
    By Malkavia in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 04-19-2016, 09:16 AM
  2. idiots trying to make things better, but just fucking things up
    By INTP in forum Science, Technology, and Future Tech
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 01-06-2012, 05:44 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO