• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFJ] Trying to need less contact, but struggling. ENFJ with an INTP

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Maybe you should find another boyfriend to keep you company during the week.

Niiiiiiice. :)

(Or wait... was this a volunteer move?)



It's just a thought (I'm an IxTP, for reference), but one surefire way with me to initiate conversation even if I'm off in la-la land and not interested in the existence of humanity is to bring up topics I'm interested in intellectually. I can smell false enthusiasm a mile away, but a quiet "I just wrote a story, *what do you think of the plot?" would be golden. I love connecting with certain people, just more on an intellectual plane normally.

There's that. Those things are good; and YES, there's a 'smell' around false enthusiasm and/or just making small talk that can be initially repulsive.

Strictly emotional, talking about how one's day is contact would be draining for me. :shocking:

That too. I think I was approaching my mid-30's before I began to appreciate someone coming up and unloading the details of their day on me. Before that time I literally felt my life and energy seeping out through my toes in the first 1-3 minutes of such narratives...

I think another issue is that we describing the legendary and trademark detachment of the ITP. All information is detached from the person bearing it and weighed for accuracy/truth/consistency. The EFJs here seem to be viewing information naturally as connected and unable to be detached from the speaker, which is sort of the opposite of the ITP. The ITP's natural bent is VERY useful in terms of evaluating information for consistency and content-truth; however, it is naturally detrimental if the whole point of the exchange was a personal (rather than an informative) one.

This is why ITPs doesn't bother texting back, without being more well-rounded. The information itself is parsed, while the relational aspect is ignored/dismissed in order to remove bias. I think if one can get a sense of relationships having different goals, thus changing the context, then things can work; but if the ITP does not leave the instinctive frame for information exchanges, they'll shirk the relational aspects.
 

LeafAndSky

New member
Joined
Nov 12, 2009
Messages
307
MBTI Type
ISFP
This is why ITPs doesn't bother texting back, without being more well-rounded. The information itself is parsed, while the relational aspect is ignored/dismissed in order to remove bias.


Ah, thank you for that! THIS is why my child doesn't text back or e-mail back. It's not like I contact him too often or 'frivolously,' and he apparently does read what I send, and we have a very good relationship.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Everything Protean says is true.

Don't let the INTP thing be an excuse to not keep up his end of the relationship. One person doesn't get things all their own way. Negotiation and compromise and humoring should be a two-way street.

It's okay to ask to be humored. It's not okay for him to decide that just because he thinks something isn't important to him that he isn't going to do it. If he loves you and you've made it clear that it's important to you, he will make an effort to humor you.

If he can't do that, he's not good relationship material and should be kicked to the curb regardless of his MBTI type.

If my husband wasn't rock solid ethically and didn't love me like Monk loves Trudy, I would have probably killed him years ago.

FWIW, my husband does love his mother and sister, but if they didn't contact him, he would probably go years without contacting them. It just doesn't occur to him. I've tried to encourage contact, but in this area I've learned to mind my own business.
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
Agreed w/all of the above advices. Sometimes, it takes a little bit of clarification, in a defenseless way? If we love our partners, we need to be upfront and tell them what really bothers us, so that as a team, we can figure out what's wrong.

Then there comes to a point in a relationship where MBTI doesn't matter. What becomes more important is the basic premises of:

1. Do we have much in common? If so- wouldn't it be evident through our communication?

2. Is there a sense of thereness? Connectedness? Is it natural? Forced? Do I feel eye-to-eye validation? Do I feel held or left dangling?

3. More importantly, am I recognized in this relationship?

There is only so much a person can handle. Complete disregard isn't one of them. If he loves you, then after opening up, if there are actions to back it up, then great. If not then it will be evident. I also ask myself: "Is this relationship adding to my life? Is it helping me to become a better me?"
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Why must Fs be attracted to the very qualities that they find so repellent?:huh:
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Why? Because they wish they could be like that sometimes and because other positive qualities go with the negative ones.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Being with != being like
You'd think people would figure this stuff out by puberty.
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
Similar to why some T's find F's attractive for equivocal reasons?

Sometimes through trial and error, we learn more about what we want and don't want.

Opposites attract, and in other cases, birds of a similar feather flock together. We're human. We are complex.. :)
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I dunno so much. I see a lot of threads where Fs (men and women) are complaining about Ts, I can't recall any the other way around. I like Fs, but I don't go on to berate them for the qualities that attracted me in the first place. That would be illogical. :)
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
Not and NF but an IXTX male.

I didn't read the whole thread, but if you have not yet clearly expressed this to him, do so. Show him you are serious.

He may not need the constant connection at this point in your relationship but sounds like there should be at least some contact mid-week, because you need it.

I was like that with my ex. Since most days after work the last thing I want to do is be on the phone. Unless there's a specific need for me to be on it, I won't, and unless you are the initiator in this area, he might never get it.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
If you need more that he isn't providing you need to look more at your relationship. You should not "change" your needs to fit him, that is just going to cause problems later on. If you are compatible you should be compatible all the way around, not just when you are trying to stuff your feelings.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I dunno so much. I see a lot of threads where Fs (men and women) are complaining about Ts, I can't recall any the other way around. I like Fs, but I don't go on to berate them for the qualities that attracted me in the first place. That would be illogical. :)

This is true. Those attraction points can become irritating, but it's never to the point where I have to come and lament about it. They come with the territory.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
in situations such as this, i can see how 'normal' NT behavior can be easily confused with how someone usually acts when they're not interested.

i'd advise sending naughty pics to his email around the middle of the week.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Not and NF but an IXTX male.

I didn't read the whole thread, but if you have not yet clearly expressed this to him, do so. Show him you are serious.

He may not need the constant connection at this point in your relationship but sounds like there should be at least some contact mid-week, because you need it.

I was like that with my ex. Since most days after work the last thing I want to do is be on the phone. Unless there's a specific need for me to be on it, I won't, and unless you are the initiator in this area, he might never get it.
If she does, she needs to make sure she doesn't express herself per the OP. Emotional barfing and chronic insecurity are a turn off for most people.

Everyone leaps to condemn the INTP and sympathise with the OP but there are a lot of qualities expressed there that are less than admirable and might be a clue as to why the relationship is failing to meet expectations. Envy, self-loathing, resentment, issues with power and control in the relationship, inability to communicate expectations, expecting partner to be telepathic. Meh.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
they will become stubborn mules and absolutely intractable if they feel like you're forcing them to do something.



If you're looking for more attentiveness it's going to have to be an internal revelation they reach on their own. Or, and once again I'm going to be honest, you've got to be very subtle in how you "get" them to do better. My INFJ friend's boyfriend is ISTP and she's had to sit and ponder strategies to make him more attentive towards her...how to switch a light on inside of him to pay attention to their relationship.


Both are true. I recognize this about myself, and since it's not something I'm prone to do, I think that's a quality a girl should possess; a subtle way to get what you want. No trickery; just having the ability to draw out these otherwise dormant abilities I have. I would respect it.

If it's done directly and it's put in a way where I'm feeling forced I'll buck. It's not from a bad place, but who likes to be forced or tricked.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,585
MBTI Type
INfj
Enneagram
451
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't sound like the makings for a good, healthy ltr. Unless you were going to become poly or something and have your needs met by someone else, that are lacking from your INTP. It just shouldn't be that hard at the beginning. It should be easy now, for it WILL get hard later. :hug:
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Everyone leaps to condemn the INTP and sympathise with the OP but there are a lot of qualities expressed there that are less than admirable and might be a clue as to why the relationship is failing to meet expectations. Envy, self-loathing, resentment, issues with power and control in the relationship, inability to communicate expectations, expecting partner to be telepathic. Meh.

The last two are the danger points in my opinion, since she's here talking to us instead of talking to him. I'm supposing the goal is to get feedback, as she doesn't want to make a mistake, but in the end they're going to have to talk about it or nothing will ever get resolved.

The rest, it seems pretty clear she loathes having those negative feelings of envy and resentment and isn't trying to foster them, and specifically was asking how to change herself to better understand and accommodate his needs.

*shrug*

Relationships don't work unless they work for both people.

i'd advise sending naughty pics to his email around the middle of the week.

If he doesn't respond to that, sunshine, you'd be advised to just quit while you're ahead. ;)
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
Unless you were going to become poly or something and have your needs met by someone else, that are lacking from your INTP. It just shouldn't be that hard at the beginning. It should be easy now, for it WILL get hard later. :hug:
True. So true. Each step is a pre-req for the next.

If it's murky now, then how would it be like later on when life gets tough when the road gets rockier?

I'd still at least say something just to clear the air.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
If she does, she needs to make sure she doesn't express herself per the OP. Emotional barfing and chronic insecurity are a turn off for most people.

Everyone leaps to condemn the INTP and sympathise with the OP but there are a lot of qualities expressed there that are less than admirable and might be a clue as to why the relationship is failing to meet expectations. Envy, self-loathing, resentment, issues with power and control in the relationship, inability to communicate expectations, expecting partner to be telepathic. Meh.


That I agree with. It has to be direct and clear and the less emotional it is the clearer the picture.

I thought this was an IXFX thing only. Interesting it happens with Es as well.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
It's an NFJ thing. I find INFPs are actually a lot more emotionally self-contained.
 
Top