My thing is a bit different than Sunshine's (who I hope had found a way to fix her situation )- me and my boyfriend have lived together for close to 6 years now, and been together for over 7 years, and just moved countries. We love each other, and I can say that our relationship is (most of the time) happy. At present however we have a lot of stress on our plates, and we are trying to deal with it in our own respective ways. Unfortunately we get into each other's way painfully, when doing that.
I know that INTPs need their physical and mental space, more than other types. I respect that. I know that the more stressed is INTP, the more space he craves. Unfortunately, for ENFJs this works the other way around. The more stressed they are, the more they (or they should) talk to others, in order to diffuse the stress. By talking I don't mean "tell their problems to everyone". Every ENFJ knows that we tend to talk a lot about some of our problems, while hiding other really well (also from ourselves. Very efficient, btw ). By talking I mean, just connecting with someone we are comfortable with. Sharing a few thoughts, having that harmonious flow for a moment. We (at least I) really need that as a de-stressor. At the same time, maybe not all ENFJs, but I am aware that I can be 'heavy' on introverts with my need to communicate. My sister is INFP, my boyfriend INTP, had enough of IN friends to realize that sometimes they just have enough & need a break.
Now, the context of my current problem, which makes it all worse, is that we moved countries. I have no social network of any kind (not even dreaming about friendships here yet at this point) where we moved, I have only been here a month, not working yet, learning the new language & experiencing quite a lot of loneliness (full days of it) and stress. At the end of the day, I cannot even talk to my INTP who manages sometimes to make me feel (by his utter lack of understanding of the intensity of my need to connect) as if there was something wrong with me - I know he does not mean that, but I can feel it quite acutely.
My INTP is really stressed too, he craves the bubble where he can disconnect, and I see that he really needs it. I try to give him as much space as he needs, I really do (as Sunshine pointed out), and I am aware of the fact that my definition of 'enough alone time' and his definition of it are drastically different. I cannot help the feeling that the more space and silence I try to give him, the more it drives me nuts, as I have next to no other outlet for my de-stressors! We end up getting into each other's way, him refusing to 'give me' understanding, connection and attention (that leaves every ENFJ with a dramatic feeling of 'well, why bother with this effin relationship then??!?'), and me ending up refusing to give him the limitless space that he needs (space that he gets to limit himself). Add a really small flat to this mix - we are looking for a bigger one right now - and financial limits, and it is a recipe for disaster with this personality coupling. It is painful. I am doing what I can to meet new people, find other outlets, but it is extremely difficult in this very moment. So yeah, we are stuck in this discord between intense feelings and desire to express them in ENFJ and intense feeling/need for space and time alone in INTP. Add 2 stubborn, intense people to this, and you end up with blow ups.
This cold, logical and seemingly 'ruthless' side of INTP - the 'total lack of empathy' moment as it seems to ENFJ (if you know what I am describing) is pretty much the worst side to deal with. This conflict is pretty much the worst side of this relationship (I don't know if I should cry or rejoice here), and the one that I find really hard to make better with time, as it really is a bit like water and fire. I find that this relationship has many inspiring and great sides ... but this bad one is really awful (a bit like 'when it was good, it was really really good, when it was bad it was awful'..). I need tips from my fellow ENFJs regarding how they deal with this. I do sense that becoming more independent is something that many times not only makes us feel better, and also tends to draw INTPs out of their caves, as they come sniffling to check on the novelty of the situation (ENFJ not moaning for contact, but disappearing happily without a word ). I think ENFJs crave novelty too, especially in social world. Yet when I find myself so stressed, I think it really difficult to just go ahead, happily creating new contacts etc. I crave security.
... Thanks for listening. I really needed to get it off my chest. Long, right? And yeah, I NEED that INTP spouses support thread... pronto!!
I stumbled upon the page citing some horrifying statistics.. It said that spouses (female) of (male) INTPs usually have lowest satisfaction from married life from all types. Assuming that ENFJ/INTP pairing is quite common - I have met a few myself - the question is: are we really so unhappy with our INTPs or do we just love to moan and express ourselves a lot given any opportunity? ...
I * know * these are things that can be dealt with, I just really need to find the quickest and most efficient way, before I explode