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  1. #61
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Sunshine, one thing I've thought about a lot going through this type of thing with an IxTP is that it takes two steps to present what information he needs to know in order to help you out, and BOTH are difficult for an ENFJ.

    First, you have to know what simple things he can do to make you feel more connected. This means evaluating more than what makes you feel insecure, but going deeper & evaluating your emotional needs & then simplifying them, taking out the endless details for meaning, & finishing with straightforward requests. (Example: "Call me in the middle of the week.", "Tell me something about your week when you talk to me, even if it seems irrelevant or mundane.") This has always been so hard for me I can almost see a wall go up in my mind when I try to do it.

    Then comes the part where you have to tell him, which seems like it would be easy if you had those simple "requests" in your head. For me, however, it is difficult to be certain that I came to the right conclusions when I decided on the "requests" (because the analyzing was so shaky, I can't be too sure of my judgment). This is also the point where you have to give some explanation for why you need those things without overwhelming with endless details. That's where it gets even trickier for me, because I get worried that without understanding the meaning behind those actions, the IxTP will do them but not "want to" (a very ENFJ way to look at it) & I will pick up on this, not be able to quell my emotions with the rationalization that by doing it, whether or not they want to, they are showing they care. Then I would not only still feel upset, but I'd feel guilt for imposing on the IxTP and not being able to fully appreciate & accept his attempts.

    Becoming aware of the above has been helpful to me because when I can see how the whole process works, I can find ways to use logic without invalidating my own emotions. (haha, dear God that sounds so terrible.) I'm not sure if you find any of it familiar to you but I figured I'd post just in case.

    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Why must Fs be attracted to the very qualities that they find so repellent?
    They aren't repellent if they're attractive. Emotions erupt & they are irrational because they are emotions. The OPs post was full of self-abasement for feeling so upset at qualities she logically values.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

  2. #62
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    They aren't repellent if they're attractive. Emotions erupt & they are irrational because they are emotions. The OPs post was full of self-abasement for feeling so upset at qualities she logically values.
    ^I think, the assumption was that she knew exactly what she was getting into upfront, which doesn't seem to be the case.

    I think clearly, she was attracted to certain aspects of his INTP qualities, but didn't find out about his need to hermit until afterwards, which is cool, if there can be some kind of communication/agreement about it.

    In the world of dating, most tend to put their best foot forward first, and then the rumble begins when we start getting comfortable and settling down in our own ways. Which is why, the push/pull part of dating (need for autonomy vs. closeness) can be complicated, because we're getting to know someone else on a more personal level.. not that we find the other person's qualities that initially attracted us repellent.


    Back on topic. I sure hope it works out for the both of you, Sunshine!

  3. #63
    Member Sunshine8's Avatar
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    Thanks all!
    Sunshine8

    'A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.'
    - Caskie Stinnett

  4. #64
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
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    Learn eachother's "love languages" as well as gaguing this issue in the "typology" sense. Eveybody has love languages (there are apparently 5), and with communication and empathy, you can possibly make this work.

  5. #65
    loopy Ulaes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    I've yet to meet an INTP with a clean car, house, etc. Well, INTP females are likely different. My INTP friend doesn't even notice if I hide things from him.
    likely? what, why?
    which scientific report did you pull this from?

  6. #66

  7. #67
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edge View Post
    likely? what, why?
    which scientific report did you pull this from?
    Well, I've found INTP women are a bit better put together, in comparison to the males, and have a lot less internal problems but more external ones [like fighting against gender expectations]. Just because someone is any personality type doesn't mean you can ignore gender, I'd argue it has at least as much impact on one's self than your type does.



  8. #68
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Well, I've found INTP women are a bit better put together, in comparison to the males, and have a lot less internal problems but more external ones [like fighting against gender expectations].
    Dont you believe it. External problems create internal ones.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  9. #69
    Senior Member BlueFlame's Avatar
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    I'm honesty surprised you've lasted this long without developing the INTP complex!
    I start hating myself within a matter of months!

    The key is to never, ever allow yourself to believe that there is something wrong or *weak* about you because your needs for connection are stronger. I think idealizing those silly INTP men is par for the course for us, but that seems to lead to ENFJs desperately trying to fix themselves when nothing is really WRONG. And when trying to turn yourself into something you aren't fails, the self-loathing enters.
    Great fuel for an explosion!

    Communicate. Compromise. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and you may be better off with someone who can meet you closer to where you are!

    ~*79% Extraverted*~
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  10. #70
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    Err, why don't you just call him?

    This thread is way too needlessly complex. And that is coming from an INTP.

    Again, the solution is simple. Feeling neglected during the week? Call him. Tell him.

    Even easier but heavier solution is to just move in with him.

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